@pkhaney the part of this story i'm most confused about is why you are so happy with this situation (minus the social media stuff and recent conversation). what is there to be so happy about with your husband sleeping all day, not spending time together and him not contributing to family life? are you happy with the arrangement?
romeishome
New member
@pkhaney Your baby is only 5 months. Is he suffering from PPD? Maybe that's why he's stuck in work mode because if he lets himself be home he feels that depression and anxiety creep up on him.
You guys need to have a big sit down and talk together, you don't seem to want to be out and that's fine. I'm glad he's getting therapy and maybe this is a step to talk about as well?
You guys need to have a big sit down and talk together, you don't seem to want to be out and that's fine. I'm glad he's getting therapy and maybe this is a step to talk about as well?
@pkhaney Please, please reach out to his department chaplain or counselor. Do they also offer counseling for spouses?
We are first responders.
My husband is a firefighter but our son is a state trooper. It sounds like he is having trouble turning ~off~ from the job and that he can’t fully relax. (He hears his radio in his sleep.)
Also, night shift is incredibly hard with a young family. You all need help. He sounds like he is drowning and doing some less than logical things in order to keep floating.
The mindset is different for first responders. If he can’t take care of you and the kids to the best of his ability, he wants you safe elsewhere.
Thus, the out he offered you may be out of fear (he’s afraid he can’t take care of the kids like you can).
There may also be something going on at work he can’t or won’t tell you that has him concerned for your safety. There’s a reason most officers don’t have social media, or have very limited information. He may have ~erased~ you in an effort to separate you from him for safety.
IF he is doing that, demand an explanation. If you need to be particularly alert, you need to know. IF he is being particularly paranoid, you also need to know.
I’m so sorry you all are dealing with this.
We are first responders.
My husband is a firefighter but our son is a state trooper. It sounds like he is having trouble turning ~off~ from the job and that he can’t fully relax. (He hears his radio in his sleep.)
Also, night shift is incredibly hard with a young family. You all need help. He sounds like he is drowning and doing some less than logical things in order to keep floating.
The mindset is different for first responders. If he can’t take care of you and the kids to the best of his ability, he wants you safe elsewhere.
Thus, the out he offered you may be out of fear (he’s afraid he can’t take care of the kids like you can).
There may also be something going on at work he can’t or won’t tell you that has him concerned for your safety. There’s a reason most officers don’t have social media, or have very limited information. He may have ~erased~ you in an effort to separate you from him for safety.
IF he is doing that, demand an explanation. If you need to be particularly alert, you need to know. IF he is being particularly paranoid, you also need to know.
I’m so sorry you all are dealing with this.
@arl127 Yeah this definitely sounds like OP’s husband is having some mental health issues and self sabotaging. I think it would be very worth getting some counselling and maybe having him back off from the OT and give himself a break. Shift work can be so isolating, especially when you have a young family.
@arl127 This OP! Not only is being an officer a tough job but being on night shift makes it even worse (police wife, know from experience). Don’t jump to conclusions, set a time for a family meeting and put everything on the table and hopefully he can open up about what’s going on. Good luck and wishing you the best
mimshackgodwins
New member
@arl127 I echo this. (Police wife here too) Night shift is awful. We had a baby last year and we have been DROWNING since then. No time for each other, everyone is exhausted, my husband is now extra worried about safety because of having a child potentially targeted.
OP's husband needs extra counseling, they need to sit down to get on the same page and see what is really going on. Maybe it's an affair, maybe it's just a mental health spiral, who knows.
OP's husband needs extra counseling, they need to sit down to get on the same page and see what is really going on. Maybe it's an affair, maybe it's just a mental health spiral, who knows.
sugarmom054
New member
LE wife here. We are 10 years in and have two kids. We've done it all for shifts, schedules, kid events, moving (no family within 6 hours of us), job changes, you name it.@sugarmom054 I will!!
@pkhaney So I cannot speak to what your husband may be projecting or his behavior towards you/your trust. However, as someone who works in law enforcement and has done 2 years of graveyard or midnight shift, I can tell you that your husband’s emotions are very real. There are days where I still hear my radio in my ear. I drive to and from work in silence because it’s the only quiet time I get to myself. I’m a CSI so I don’t handle the same types of calls that a sworn officer does, but I still see the aftermath. The trauma is still there. He sees sooo much shit and the worst of people. Regardless of where you’re located, the climate in some areas is very anti-PD. Even if he was saving someone’s life, he is likely being berated for wearing the uniform.
None of that is an excuse to be a crappy, unconnected father or husband. But being able to compartmentalize work and home is a difficult skill. He’s not in control at work and he may be feeling like he’s not in control of his life anymore either.
Him being in therapy is great in general. Other ways you can support him: if you can swing it, maybe pick up a part time job to help with finances so he can “afford” to work less. Set up dedicated you time with him. Whatever he can do to not live at work. Our brains need time to process and cope. It sounds like he’s not getting that.
None of that is an excuse to be a crappy, unconnected father or husband. But being able to compartmentalize work and home is a difficult skill. He’s not in control at work and he may be feeling like he’s not in control of his life anymore either.
Him being in therapy is great in general. Other ways you can support him: if you can swing it, maybe pick up a part time job to help with finances so he can “afford” to work less. Set up dedicated you time with him. Whatever he can do to not live at work. Our brains need time to process and cope. It sounds like he’s not getting that.
@pkhaney I’m sorry that you’re getting so many comments telling you your husband is cheating or wants you to be the one to leave him. That’s obviously something you’d have a feel for better than anyone else here, but I wouldn’t jump to those conclusions if you didn’t have any doubts or suspicions before your post.
It really sounds like your husband is burning out and not in a good place mentally due to his hours. I doubt he’d want to find a hobby or go to the gym with you if he was cheating and looking for an easy way out of the relationship. In my personal experience, partners of military / law enforcement professionals cheat on their spouses pretty often as well, and it looks to me like he’s just worried you’re going to find someone else while he’s working long odd hours.
I know you got a lot of comments opposing couples counseling, but it could genuinely help if he’s scared he’s going to lose you while he’s dealing with a lot of work related anxiety to boot. I would just say to trust your intuition and keep looking until you find a therapist or counselor that you think is a good fit for the two of you.
It really sounds like your husband is burning out and not in a good place mentally due to his hours. I doubt he’d want to find a hobby or go to the gym with you if he was cheating and looking for an easy way out of the relationship. In my personal experience, partners of military / law enforcement professionals cheat on their spouses pretty often as well, and it looks to me like he’s just worried you’re going to find someone else while he’s working long odd hours.
I know you got a lot of comments opposing couples counseling, but it could genuinely help if he’s scared he’s going to lose you while he’s dealing with a lot of work related anxiety to boot. I would just say to trust your intuition and keep looking until you find a therapist or counselor that you think is a good fit for the two of you.
singlestuggler
New member
@pkhaney It sounds like you both are telling each other you're happy and neither of you is. You both sound overwhelmed, he sounds really depressed. At least he was able to talk about that this morning.
Can you explain what was a breach of trust? You say he's free to check your phone and you have nothing to hide, but also that he broke your trust and violated your privacy, so which is it? I don't have Apple so I don't know the difference between looking at your phone vs looking at the same stuff on the laptop. Did he do it this way because he was at work at the time? Him blatantly lying about it is definitely a problem, but it seems like you've both been unhappy and you're telling him you're happy when you're not. I'm not too surprised that he took a step to try to figure out what you weren't telling him. He should have done it on your phone since that's where you gave him permission to check, but if you're an open book I guess I don't see why that's the huge issue.
It seems to me that the issue is that both of you feel overwhelmed and miserable. I think he regrets moving and taking this new job and thinks that it made you both miserable. Is moving back closer to family an option? If not, you need to work together to try to make things better instead of suffering alone. It's good that he's starting therapy. Can you get some therapy too and/or couples therapy? You are feeling overwhelmed at home and he's not able to support you as you need because of how overwhelmed he feels with his job. And it seems like he's feeling like he failed you. He may need to look into medication management of his depression in addition to therapy.
I just want you to try to have some compassion for your husband because from reading this it sounds like he's miserable and deep in depression and you're just upset with him instead of trying to help him through it. Have some grace for him doing the wrong thing in a moment of panic or desperation.
Can you explain what was a breach of trust? You say he's free to check your phone and you have nothing to hide, but also that he broke your trust and violated your privacy, so which is it? I don't have Apple so I don't know the difference between looking at your phone vs looking at the same stuff on the laptop. Did he do it this way because he was at work at the time? Him blatantly lying about it is definitely a problem, but it seems like you've both been unhappy and you're telling him you're happy when you're not. I'm not too surprised that he took a step to try to figure out what you weren't telling him. He should have done it on your phone since that's where you gave him permission to check, but if you're an open book I guess I don't see why that's the huge issue.
It seems to me that the issue is that both of you feel overwhelmed and miserable. I think he regrets moving and taking this new job and thinks that it made you both miserable. Is moving back closer to family an option? If not, you need to work together to try to make things better instead of suffering alone. It's good that he's starting therapy. Can you get some therapy too and/or couples therapy? You are feeling overwhelmed at home and he's not able to support you as you need because of how overwhelmed he feels with his job. And it seems like he's feeling like he failed you. He may need to look into medication management of his depression in addition to therapy.
I just want you to try to have some compassion for your husband because from reading this it sounds like he's miserable and deep in depression and you're just upset with him instead of trying to help him through it. Have some grace for him doing the wrong thing in a moment of panic or desperation.
acaudpdrkkl2015
New member
@singlestuggler This stuck out to me. He's clearly miserable & not coping with nights, which are well known to be awful for your physical & mental health. She doesn't seem to be overly concerned for his well-being, just annoyed that he 'snooped'.
Him asking if she's happy and if she wants to move to me implies they would all move, not an out from marriage but from their current situation (for both of them, together).
He really should switch to afternoons for his health & to get better family time.
Him asking if she's happy and if she wants to move to me implies they would all move, not an out from marriage but from their current situation (for both of them, together).
He really should switch to afternoons for his health & to get better family time.
singlestuggler
New member
@acaudpdrkkl2015 Also, she keeps insisting she's happy but it doesn't seem like she is.
shaylovesjesuschrist
New member
@pkhaney I hope you get to see this comment.
Working nights is extremely hard on our cardiovascular system (even with a normal 8 hrs of sleep) causing our cortisol/stress hormones to skyrocket. It sounds like he’s reached depression. You both do not want any decisions to be made in this chapter because it’s a temporary chapter and emotional decisions made hear could potentially cause a ton of regret in the future when circumstances change and stress from work is significantly reduced.
There are 3 things is highly recommend.
1) time blocking: sit down with him and figure out a time (even if it’s just 45 mins or an hr) where all 4 of y’all can be together uninterrupted. Take care his time to mentally block out work, chores, to-do lists, etc and just live in the moment with gratitude and compassion.
2) couples therapy: even just once a month. Talk to each other and a professional about how y’all feel. The therapist will give y’all tools.
3) schedule a date night (once a month or once every of month, whatever you can find). Get a babysitter and carve out that time to get out of the house and hold hands, laugh, cry and have fun with each other.
I don’t think he wants an “out”. With his schedule, he’d be utterly alone and even more miserable. I think he’s just depressed and feels left out and unable to cope with work.
Working nights is extremely hard on our cardiovascular system (even with a normal 8 hrs of sleep) causing our cortisol/stress hormones to skyrocket. It sounds like he’s reached depression. You both do not want any decisions to be made in this chapter because it’s a temporary chapter and emotional decisions made hear could potentially cause a ton of regret in the future when circumstances change and stress from work is significantly reduced.
There are 3 things is highly recommend.
1) time blocking: sit down with him and figure out a time (even if it’s just 45 mins or an hr) where all 4 of y’all can be together uninterrupted. Take care his time to mentally block out work, chores, to-do lists, etc and just live in the moment with gratitude and compassion.
2) couples therapy: even just once a month. Talk to each other and a professional about how y’all feel. The therapist will give y’all tools.
3) schedule a date night (once a month or once every of month, whatever you can find). Get a babysitter and carve out that time to get out of the house and hold hands, laugh, cry and have fun with each other.
I don’t think he wants an “out”. With his schedule, he’d be utterly alone and even more miserable. I think he’s just depressed and feels left out and unable to cope with work.
@pkhaney How long has your husband been in law enforcement? Is this is first job as a LEO or did he just move departments?
My husband is a LEO, works nights, and we have a little one. He’s been doing it for over ten years though, but the past few have been the hardest. We also moved across the country for his job and he has had many moments where he feels like I only moved to make him happy - so he thinks I’m unhappy (not the case).
I commend him for starting therapy. That’s a great first step. I see everyone is commenting that he must be cheating, but based on the information in your post I’m not getting to that conclusion.
I would be happy to chat if you want to talk about what works for our family.
My husband is a LEO, works nights, and we have a little one. He’s been doing it for over ten years though, but the past few have been the hardest. We also moved across the country for his job and he has had many moments where he feels like I only moved to make him happy - so he thinks I’m unhappy (not the case).
I commend him for starting therapy. That’s a great first step. I see everyone is commenting that he must be cheating, but based on the information in your post I’m not getting to that conclusion.
I would be happy to chat if you want to talk about what works for our family.
@pkhaney My husband was an LEO for 8 years and left to sell cars. LEO life is miserable and he should leave. It’s not worth it. Never being able to be on a normal schedule, the stressful work, the difficult schedule where you miss out on so much family time is NOT worth the meager salary they get paid. We were barely making ends meet and the only way my husbands paychecks were halfway decent were when he worked a bunch of overtime. It is truly a miserable lifestyle and there’s going to be a serious shortage of LEOs if it doesn’t change.
My husband sells cars now, he enjoys the work, makes way more money, and has a normal schedule.
My husband sells cars now, he enjoys the work, makes way more money, and has a normal schedule.
@pkhaney I feel like I have a different take than everyone else on the thread but I really feel for this guy - he sounds depressed to me. I feel for you too having to pull all this weight but I think he sounds more insecure and just down than like he’s cheating or anything like that.
Sounds like he doesn’t feel like he’s doing well as a parent, he may be struggling with the hours on his job, sounds like he may be projecting onto you asking “are you unhappy” about the move/change.
Im glad he started the therapy.
If my husband suddenly snoop like this, he never has before. To my knowledge I would just be worried about him.
Sounds like he doesn’t feel like he’s doing well as a parent, he may be struggling with the hours on his job, sounds like he may be projecting onto you asking “are you unhappy” about the move/change.
Im glad he started the therapy.
If my husband suddenly snoop like this, he never has before. To my knowledge I would just be worried about him.
bettyperson
New member
@pkhaney Hi former law enforcement and peer support for law enforcement here. This is INCREDIBLY COMMON. It’s so difficult to turn off the world when you aren’t at work. The world is a scary place because that’s what work teaches you. You aren’t seeing the positives to the world, you’re seeing people and events and the world at their absolute worst.
Sorry hit enter too early… continuing here…
Law enforcement officers live at a different level than normal people. Their stress level never goes down to “normal” levels. They also tend to hold onto things they’ve seen. They can’t tell you about it because it’s just too f***ed up and they won’t subject you to it. So they hold it in and stew on it and this is how PTSD comes about which it sounds like he might already have some. Also working an opposite schedule is the WORST for brain chemistry in addition to stress. He’s in the thick of the worst of law enforcement right now.
Please encourage him to continue with his therapist from work. Remind him daily you love him and you’ll help him get through it. Ask to go to therapy with him and JUST LISTEN if he’ll let you.
I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve heard this story. It’s a law enforcement tale as old as time.
A couple of great books for you and him to read:
“Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement” by Dr. Gilmartin
“I Love a Cop” by Ellen Kirschman
Also please PM me if you want to talk. I’ve been there on both sides. I get it. Happy to chat. Hugs and love. It’s so hard and spouses are often not well supported or understand it all.
Sorry hit enter too early… continuing here…
Law enforcement officers live at a different level than normal people. Their stress level never goes down to “normal” levels. They also tend to hold onto things they’ve seen. They can’t tell you about it because it’s just too f***ed up and they won’t subject you to it. So they hold it in and stew on it and this is how PTSD comes about which it sounds like he might already have some. Also working an opposite schedule is the WORST for brain chemistry in addition to stress. He’s in the thick of the worst of law enforcement right now.
Please encourage him to continue with his therapist from work. Remind him daily you love him and you’ll help him get through it. Ask to go to therapy with him and JUST LISTEN if he’ll let you.
I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve heard this story. It’s a law enforcement tale as old as time.
A couple of great books for you and him to read:
“Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement” by Dr. Gilmartin
“I Love a Cop” by Ellen Kirschman
Also please PM me if you want to talk. I’ve been there on both sides. I get it. Happy to chat. Hugs and love. It’s so hard and spouses are often not well supported or understand it all.