How to not be irrationally resentful at husband for getting full sleep every night?

[steveepperson]

@tsheehan Every once in awhile he gets up at like 6 a.m. for work. Most days around 7:45. He is one of those people that needs 8-9 hours or so of sleep minimum each night whereas I'm OK with 7. So his argument was that 11:30 was too late to do consistently.

 

[thabang]

@steveepperson Before I had a baby I also needed 9 hours sleep a night. But then you have a baby and that is no longer an option. He is being so unreasonable its insane. He needs to step it up.

You said he texted you to see how the feed (that he was meant to do) was going. So he wasnt even asleep.

 

[jagundez]

@steveepperson Yeah I’m also a person that pre-baby needed at LEAST 8 hours of sleep or I felt like I was dying.

Now I have a 2 month old baby and have survived just fine on 5-6 hours of sleep each night. Not ideal but I’m a parent now, so you adjust. And no, I don’t get naps during the day very often.

Your husband is being ridiculous and I’d be so pissed if my husband wasn’t willing to do shifts at night. We do a 9pm-2am shift, and then 2am-7am.

 

[katrina2017]

@steveepperson If that's the case then I would tell him to go to bed earlier so that even with a break he gets that much sleep.

Also, his argument doesn't work unless you also gets 7h (which it sounds like you don't)

 

[mshade]

@steveepperson I would be Furious. Let him know that you are.

 

[katrina2017]

@steveepperson My man used to take the first shift every other night (albeit from ca. 2-3mo old baby). At the time she ate every 2-3h, so 3ish shifts per night. It was a heaven sent to get 4-6h uninterrupted sleep. Then for my birthday I asked him to take all the night feedings. He did, and after he commented how much more tired he was and then HE suggested that he take the first feeding every night. My god I love my man.

He does use formula when he feeds her, as pumping just didn't work for me. Combo feeding is totally an option if you want it to be.

If you want to try it again I'd suggest two things. 1. Give him a set time window where he handles all the feedings and everything baby related, no point in him doing it if you still have to get up right away. 2. It's okay for him to also be tired and get less sleep! It comes with the territory of having a baby! I mean You also work full-time with handling a baby. Unless he's a surgeon: you making a mistake because of exhaustion is worse than him making a mistake.

 

[disciple0dave0012]

@steveepperson Working for pay doesn’t exclude one from parenting. We don’t do shifts bc I’d rather nurse directly but my husband wakes early for a physically demanding job and still gets up every feed to get her from the bassinet for me, change her diaper before he hands her over, then meets any needs I have like refilling my water, etc., then he’ll doze a bit until she’s done and put her back in her bed. If she’s not asleep or is unsettled still after a feed he’ll try to soothe her. There’s no reason you should be doing everything alone, I’m so sorry.

 

[rozlynnwallace]

@disciple0dave0012 This made me cry. I wish my husband would do this even just once in a while. You got a good one!

 

[ezzeking]

@disciple0dave0012 This is exactly what we do. I’m so sick of these men who think working outside the home and bf gives them a free pass on parenting at night

 

[katrina2017]

@steveepperson Ummm split shifts! He works from home? That’s absurd. Taking care of a baby all day is more work than sitting at a desk joining some zoom calls.

Shifts:
9pm to 2am, husband feeds baby pumped milk or brings baby to you to breastfeed if you prefer that. If he brings baby to you, he does everything else in a separate room: changes diaper, rocks, put baby back to bed. You sleep!

2am onward you are on baby duty and husband sleeps.

You have every right and reason to sleep as much as he does. The end.

 

[abigaloto]

@steveepperson You are not being irrational, sleep deprivation is horrible and really takes a toll. Your husband is trying to get out of his parenting and domestic partner duties unfortunately, and either doesn’t realize it or probably thinks it’s totally fine because that’s how society has ‘functioned’ for centuries.
1. He needs to help with feeds, it’s either the last night feed around 10:30/11 pm pm or it’s the early morning feeding. Give him a choice. If he takes the last night feed it allows you to get into bed early and clock in a little bit of uninterrupted sleep until the next am feed. This helped me tremendously. If he is able to take on more, even better. 2. He absolutely needs to help with household chores. Childcare+ household chores is too much for one person to take on, especially on little sleep. If he fights either of those things, drop household chores entirely and just take care of little one. Feel free to give him a “variety of reasons” why it’s important for you to be alert to take care of baby. Not being immature here, if he’s unwilling to do his part there’s only so much you can do without compromising your sanity and baby’s health. Let him know that. In these first few months communication is key, especially with a partner who isn’t participating and therefore has no idea what you’re going through.

 

[sgazelle]

@steveepperson Being parents comes with sleep deprivation unfortunately. It doesn’t matter if he works or not. He’s still a dad and still need to help feed the baby especially when you desperately need to sleep

 

[tracieplaxton]

@steveepperson I’d be resentful of someone selfish also

 

[hatty]

@steveepperson That’s not okay. If you need night help, he needs to help you. He doesn’t get to say he has work and needs to go to bed and then stay up anyways? I would talk to him about it and emphasize the dangers of sleep deprivation. My husband had to take my baby from me in early weeks a few time because I was just struggling to stay awake during breastfeeding. She doesn’t take a bottle but if she’s being particularly fussy at bedtime, he’ll take her for an hour or two (however long she can go without eating) so I can nap!

I personally do all the night shifts but only because my baby doesn’t take a bottle. If she did, he’d probably take the feeding right before bed since he works and I’m on leave (so I’d go to bed really early) and then I’d take the rest. You need to figure out something that works for both of you, this isn’t sustainable for you!

 

[rose831]

@steveepperson So I spent about 2 months building up resentment toward my husband. He works from 7am to 5pm most nights 6 days a week every other week ( Saturdays are half days though ) and he is in school 3 evenings a week. Our baby never slept well ,he's 7 months now and just started sleeping better. I ended up blowing up one day I just couldn't take being so tired anymore, plus cleaning, cooking, laundry and taking care of our dog. He basically told me I should have just voiced what I needed and he would do what he could. So now on the days he is home at 5pm, I go to sleep around 8, he wakes me up at 12 so he can get a nights sleep and I get 4 hours which the most sleep I had at the time. On the weekends he puts our son to bed and does the nights with him. Our baby seems to sleep much better for him too. So even though he works Saturdays he is still getting a good amount of sleep. I look forward to the weekends where I know I'm going to get good sleep. It works for us. And I'm much happier.

 

[looking67]

@steveepperson Not being irrational at all. I’d have a talk with your hubby

 

[katrina2017]

@steveepperson My husband does a shift from 9:30-2 and gives the baby one bottle. I'm not the best swaddler and it makes me super nervous so he gets up every time I breastfeed just to quickly swaddle the baby when I'm done. I feel guilty he has to get up to swaddle but he always says I'm up to feed so it's the least he can do.

 

[hilo1234]

@katrina2017 Get a swaddle suit. We use halo sleep ones. They’re fool proof and our 2 month old stays in his all night from 8ish pm to when he wakes up around 5am.

 

[bankboy100]

@katrina2017 Gawd I remember the dread of swaddling in the dead of night. It felt so complex and daunting. Good on your husband!

 

[humblewatchman]

@steveepperson My partner and I tried a few different things. Started with shifts- I'd sleep from 7pm-1am when lo was a newborn, and then I'd take 1am-5am. I'd technically take 1am-4pm because he goes to work at 5am, but I digress. This was fine because I did prioritize sleeping ( I did in fact, sleep when baby slept, while I needed to), and so did 90% of the housework. Then we switched to every other night- he'd do 10pm-5am every other night, and split household duties more evenly( he still cooked, did dishes, and vacuumed). Then once lo was consistently sleeping the night, or just one wakeup, I offered to do Sunday-friday, he'd take her weekends. THEN we switched to we each get a day to sleep in, and now, with lo at 18 months, I just ask for a morning to sleep in once a month, or as needed.

My point here, is its trial and error. You have to be willing to change things to figure out what works best for your family. Your partner doesn't seem to grasp that. We didn't think both getting up would be beneficial, but looking back now, I wish we'd tried a few other methods, despite what we did working so well for us. We had it set up whoever was on duty slept in the other room with lo, other person got the bedroom. My so doesn't text me if he hears us if we wake up from teething or being sick, he comes to help. Lo had a cold right after Christmas and my so stayed up with me, while having a cold himself, until 2am, knowing he had to get up for work in 3 hours. My partner has been less than supportive in many ways, but with the sleeping arrangements, he has pulled his weight. I'd try to figure out a new way to do things, don't give him the option to come pass baby off just because ( obviously if he's getting frustrated he should still be able to). He doesn't get to use working as an excuse, you could end up in a dangerous situation if you're sleeping deprived because he didn't help ( not trying to fear monger here). He chose to have a baby with you, and that means he has to participate more than just being a glorified wallet to his child. He needs to look after you, so your able to look after your child.