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@pkhaney He sounds like he isn't ok. Did you say that he's getting free therapy through his union? He's going to burn out and that's dangerous for you and the kids. Cops have insanely high rates of domestic violence and substance abuse. Is there a way to cut back his hours? Maybe even get out of the force?
@pkhaney He sounds like he is absolutely miserable and doesn’t like his life. He needs to seek one on one mental health services and you both need couples counseling. I wouldn’t be shocked by cheating but it wouldn’t be my first assumption in this situation… it truly sounds like he is fighting depression and anxiety and he shouldn’t be an LEO.
envisiondavid
New member
@pkhaney I disagree with everyone commenting that they think he's cheating. He's clearly experiencing anxiety and depression, probably triggered by night shifts. Night shifts are SO hard on your body, SO hard on your family. I don't know ANYONE who works night shifts who doesn't struggle with it sooner or later. I'm close with a LEO & their fam, and I know it was super hard on them for the first few years while they worked their way up to day shift.
I think the reason he gave you an out, is that he's trying to push the decision to leave and go back home onto you. He might feel guilty for uprooting for the family and ultimately "failing" at adapting to his new job, but if you're also unhappy.... he doesn't have to admit failure, he can say "my wife wants to leave."
I definitely think it's good that he's upping his therapy. Not sure what's next for you, but I think you should ask him if HE wants to leave this town and this job.
I think the reason he gave you an out, is that he's trying to push the decision to leave and go back home onto you. He might feel guilty for uprooting for the family and ultimately "failing" at adapting to his new job, but if you're also unhappy.... he doesn't have to admit failure, he can say "my wife wants to leave."
I definitely think it's good that he's upping his therapy. Not sure what's next for you, but I think you should ask him if HE wants to leave this town and this job.
@pkhaney Being a cop can really mess with your head. It can become US (cops) against THEM ( everyone else). They can become isolated from regular people. The schedule can also isolate them from family. The uniform also gives them a lot of power and authority, which is hard to switch off when not on duty. It is a hard life for everyone in the family.
Please don’t jump to conclusions as it could just be the job he loves messing with his head. Start counseling ASAP for yourself and together if he is willing. Hope it works out for both of you.
Please don’t jump to conclusions as it could just be the job he loves messing with his head. Start counseling ASAP for yourself and together if he is willing. Hope it works out for both of you.
@pkhaney My mom worked nights when I was a kid and it was awful for everyone, but especially her… the pay is absolutely not worth what it does to the person. If things were really fine before the switch to 3rd shift, y’all should really determine if it’s worth it. Especially with him having a job that’s in demand there’s no need to be stuck in that.
jakeesonjon46
New member
blessedbethyname
New member
@pkhaney As an officer and a spouse to a police officer, I can tell you he has responded to a call that has shaken him. His body has switched into what I can only refer to as a fear mode. He knows that what he did was wrong, but doesn’t know how to express his feelings and emotions. He did not go snooping thinking he was going to find anything, he went snooping to settle his fears, NOT saying what he did was ok.
A resource I personally recommend for is CopLine. You can Google it and get more information but it’s essentially a fellow officer on the other end of the line that he can talk to without the fear or stigma that surrounds mental health in law enforcement.
As a spouse I highly recommend the book, “emotional survival for law enforcement”. Not sure how religious or what your beliefs are but ammoandgrace on Instagram has been beneficial for me.
Being with an officer is hard and the spouses and families definitely get the short end of the stick. Hopefully this helps a bit.
A resource I personally recommend for is CopLine. You can Google it and get more information but it’s essentially a fellow officer on the other end of the line that he can talk to without the fear or stigma that surrounds mental health in law enforcement.
As a spouse I highly recommend the book, “emotional survival for law enforcement”. Not sure how religious or what your beliefs are but ammoandgrace on Instagram has been beneficial for me.
Being with an officer is hard and the spouses and families definitely get the short end of the stick. Hopefully this helps a bit.
@blessedbethyname Thank you so much! I will tell him about Copline. I hear a lot of officers get burnout in year two. He’s basically there if you include the live in academy he did. Any tips on getting past this? I know your case is special since you both are LEO’s. Anything g will help at this point
blessedbethyname
New member
@pkhaney Overall there is a huge stigma within the law enforcement field about mental health. We are taught in the academy that no matter the call you finish the paperwork, place the memory in a folder in the back of your brain and put it in a cabinet and lock the cabinet and thrown away the key. We fear that speaking up or saying anything will show weakness and then any chance of promotion or being switch to a detective role will disappear because we will be looked at as less then.
We then come home to our families and don’t want to feel like a burden to our loved ones so we pretend to be ok, even though we aren’t and recede into the shadows.
The burnout is real and nights are hard, especially with littles at home. Even if it’s just 5 minutes find time to spend together, with no electronics. It’s awkward at first but sometimes the silence and physical presence can benefit you both immensely. Start small and work your way up. Have a coffee date at the house, or even just sit outside together. Trying to make a drastic change in the schedule and routine will not stick. This 5 minute change will slowly lead to more time together that just comes naturally.
I know you feel completely betrayed, and even though you love the new city, finding out he violated your privacy crushed you especially since you haven’t done anything wrong. That’s a guilt he will live with for a long time.
Therapy will help both of y’all. If he gets caught up with the stigma or the image of what a cop is supposed to be, CopLine will help so much more than any therapist.
I’ll leave you with this, if he was cheating he wouldn’t have cared to go through your phone and then lie about it. Can’t explain this other then having been a cop for 8+ years and been around other cops for even longer, that’s not how our brains work.
We then come home to our families and don’t want to feel like a burden to our loved ones so we pretend to be ok, even though we aren’t and recede into the shadows.
The burnout is real and nights are hard, especially with littles at home. Even if it’s just 5 minutes find time to spend together, with no electronics. It’s awkward at first but sometimes the silence and physical presence can benefit you both immensely. Start small and work your way up. Have a coffee date at the house, or even just sit outside together. Trying to make a drastic change in the schedule and routine will not stick. This 5 minute change will slowly lead to more time together that just comes naturally.
I know you feel completely betrayed, and even though you love the new city, finding out he violated your privacy crushed you especially since you haven’t done anything wrong. That’s a guilt he will live with for a long time.
Therapy will help both of y’all. If he gets caught up with the stigma or the image of what a cop is supposed to be, CopLine will help so much more than any therapist.
I’ll leave you with this, if he was cheating he wouldn’t have cared to go through your phone and then lie about it. Can’t explain this other then having been a cop for 8+ years and been around other cops for even longer, that’s not how our brains work.
tropicalgold
New member
@pkhaney The schedule isn’t working for anyone involved it sounds like and communication is pretty poor. Can he work day shifts instead? Night shift isn’t something everyone can handle properly and it’s even harder when the people you love are on opposite schedules.
This doesn’t excuse his behavior regarding invading your privacy and not communicating his feelings about the current status quo.
I do think that having a similar schedule would be much healthier though as he could have some family time and some husband/wife time. Maybe it would aid in the communication as well since when you are like ships in the night it can feel hard to talk about things.
This doesn’t excuse his behavior regarding invading your privacy and not communicating his feelings about the current status quo.
I do think that having a similar schedule would be much healthier though as he could have some family time and some husband/wife time. Maybe it would aid in the communication as well since when you are like ships in the night it can feel hard to talk about things.
sesquiterpene
New member
atheists_rule
New member
@sesquiterpene Agreed. I have had experience with both scenarios-- depression and affair (different partners), and this type of projecting screams depression and whispers affair. My bet is that his mental health isn't doing so great with all the recent changes, rough work schedule and high stress job. On top of all that, he seems to be feeling guilty for putting so much on OP's plate, but can't seem to help it, which also just makes him feel worse. I feel terrible for both of them-- this is a hard road to travel in the best of circumstances.
@pkhaney If he's saying you're unhappy but you're not, my guess is that it means he's unhappy and is having trouble confronting what that means and how to deal with it.
My ex-husband did that in the lead up to our divorce. He'd bring up how he "made me miserable" or we "made each other miserable" and I thought he was feeling insecure and needed reassurance so I would tell him how I was fine, I was happy, I certainly wasn't miserable, I loved him and was happy with him. Turns out he was really saying that he was miserable so my reassurances missed the mark entirely, and even though I did also ask him if he was ok he apparently didn't feel able to answer that honestly after I said I was happy. In retrospect, the truth was right there in front of me because if he thought we were making each other miserable, he must be feeling miserable even though he would say he was fine when asked directly.
I think in a way he was hoping that I was miserable, and then our marriage breaking up wouldn't be "his fault." After a while I think he might have even been trying to make me miserable, and I just put my head down and tried to work through it.
It sounds very similar to your situation, though it also sounds like maybe your husband is more open to talking about how he's feeling than mine was, even though he started with the same technique of making it about you. That seems like a good sign. I would take it very seriously though. If the current arrangement of work/location/life isn't working for him, then it's not working for the family and you all have some problem solving to do, to hopefully find a way that works for everyone.
My ex-husband did that in the lead up to our divorce. He'd bring up how he "made me miserable" or we "made each other miserable" and I thought he was feeling insecure and needed reassurance so I would tell him how I was fine, I was happy, I certainly wasn't miserable, I loved him and was happy with him. Turns out he was really saying that he was miserable so my reassurances missed the mark entirely, and even though I did also ask him if he was ok he apparently didn't feel able to answer that honestly after I said I was happy. In retrospect, the truth was right there in front of me because if he thought we were making each other miserable, he must be feeling miserable even though he would say he was fine when asked directly.
I think in a way he was hoping that I was miserable, and then our marriage breaking up wouldn't be "his fault." After a while I think he might have even been trying to make me miserable, and I just put my head down and tried to work through it.
It sounds very similar to your situation, though it also sounds like maybe your husband is more open to talking about how he's feeling than mine was, even though he started with the same technique of making it about you. That seems like a good sign. I would take it very seriously though. If the current arrangement of work/location/life isn't working for him, then it's not working for the family and you all have some problem solving to do, to hopefully find a way that works for everyone.
sweetsocalbutterfly2019
New member
@pkhaney He wanted you to be cheating so he could end it and not be the bad guy. I’m sorry. He’s not giving you an out. He wants out. He’s just not man enough to admit it. And now instead of the evidence he was hoping for he just looks like an ass for violating your privacy. He may also be projecting. I would ask to see the same stuff of his that he snooped through on yours.
livescience
New member
@pkhaney As a cop who also has a family and works midnights, I understand where he’s coming from. He’s not asking for an out for himself, he’s asking for help. He’s feeling overwhelmed in his new job/life change and also feeling like an outlier in his at home life; which makes sense because you’ve admitted that he’s as much.
The therapy is a great tool and he should keep at it. Lowering OT is a good idea if he can. He should also reach out to department peer counselors if they’re an option.
You’re both in tough roles, and it seems like there may be some miscommunications at home. Good luck to you and your husband, OP.
The therapy is a great tool and he should keep at it. Lowering OT is a good idea if he can. He should also reach out to department peer counselors if they’re an option.
You’re both in tough roles, and it seems like there may be some miscommunications at home. Good luck to you and your husband, OP.
@livescience OP THIS. Read this.
@pkhaney Ignore the cheating comments, but this I get 100%. Whenever my bf does his night schedules (switches monthly), he gets like this. Depressed, paranoid of what I'm doing or talking to, barely has time to see us, always tired, etc.
Nights are really hard when you have a family. (And he is always nights from what it seems, not a monthly swing) On top of all that, his job is stressful. Who knows what he's seeing or has seen. He is projecting, but projecting the fact that he feels stuck so he thinks you do. Worried that you're finding someone else or discussing wanting to leave since he's never around.
My bf and i recognize that when he does night shifts, we will be struggling the most, and we've started couples therapy to help. He might be able to use his therapist to help him switch to days. Until then, therapy and a better schedule will help (sleep, work, eating, and days off schedule)
Not to make you too panicked, but you should be aware, I've heard stories from cops and my ex cop teacher who's said, when cops get like this, feeling stuck, can't detach from job, pushing people away, they are becoming suicidal and when they succeed and pushing everyone one, they commit to it. He might be giving you and out so he can go through with it, if that is what he's feeling, so be aware. He seems to need you now more than ever.
Nights are really hard when you have a family. (And he is always nights from what it seems, not a monthly swing) On top of all that, his job is stressful. Who knows what he's seeing or has seen. He is projecting, but projecting the fact that he feels stuck so he thinks you do. Worried that you're finding someone else or discussing wanting to leave since he's never around.
My bf and i recognize that when he does night shifts, we will be struggling the most, and we've started couples therapy to help. He might be able to use his therapist to help him switch to days. Until then, therapy and a better schedule will help (sleep, work, eating, and days off schedule)
Not to make you too panicked, but you should be aware, I've heard stories from cops and my ex cop teacher who's said, when cops get like this, feeling stuck, can't detach from job, pushing people away, they are becoming suicidal and when they succeed and pushing everyone one, they commit to it. He might be giving you and out so he can go through with it, if that is what he's feeling, so be aware. He seems to need you now more than ever.
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