Love bedsharing, but my husband feels lonely and neglected

[ckopykat]

@forgivenandloved It's all about perspective.

Your husband's feelings are legitimate and your relationship with him is important to continue attachment parenting... From a pragmatic perspective, sometimes compromise is necessary. If your relationship deteriorates significantly, you could be looking at unhappiness as parents or even seperation. It's easy to lose sight of your relationship needs when our child's needs are always present and so obvious (wahhh), but our relationships need tending too.

I made the mistake of solely prioritizing my daughter over our relationship and it suffered (though we've survived it). I realized only after making time for my partner that I craved all the things he did, and needed that time just as badly but it wasn't even something I considered for the longest time.

So how can you adjust things to make this work? Discuss with your husband to come to a compromise and make sure he feels heard and loved. Can you move your mattress to the floor to lessen the risks and anxiety associated with falling? If not, get a video monitor (it helped with my anxiety a lot and made it so I wasn't chained to the bedroom as I adjusted). Add later upon layer of safety barriers so your daughter would wake up before rolling off the bed. I put a line of action figures that would be super uncomfortable to roll over plus some firm foam pillows on either side of the mattress. My daughter is just over 2 and it works great.

You've got this!

 

[jarrod74]

@forgivenandloved We used a noisemaker so we could still chat in our room after our little girl was asleep. Honestly after she fell asleep it was nearly impossible to wake her. We were quiet of course, but we could watch movies and chat/cuddle while she was in the room so long as the noisemaker was on.

 

[jrtravaille]

@forgivenandloved This was my life until recently. At 3, he almost never wakes up during the night, even though we cosleep and still breastfeed.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@jrtravaille Wow!! Did it just happen suddenly? Or did you change anythjng?

 

[jrtravaille]

@forgivenandloved Just sort of happened. I assume it's part of the developmental process.

 

[chrisgruener]

@forgivenandloved My little guy is 7 months but very mobile. We put the mattress on the floor and I put him to bed in a sleep sack. I watch the monitor like a hawk. When he starts to stir I go in right away and nurse him back to sleep and then we usually can get another hour or so. I find the sleep sack stops him from moving too fast. However, you don’t want your baby to overheat with that plus your body heat, so I have a very light sack on him and I don’t dress him in fleece at bedtime.

 

[biblicist]

@forgivenandloved It’s a sacrifice for sure! It doesn’t last forever and pretty soon your little one will sleep longer and the two of you can snuggle alone in the living room.

For me my kiddo slept way better once we stopped nursing however that went on for almost 3 years!

 

[windy35]

@forgivenandloved This sounds a lot like my 9 month old! He will go down to sleep in his crib for 30 minute naps and the first 30-40 minute night stretch then contact naps the rest of the nap or demands me take him to our family bed (we bedshare at night) after his first night wake up. We got a bed rail off amazon to put on my side of the bed and stack Pillows around him on the other sides bc he has crawled off once. Since we got the rail we haven’t had any issues. But just like you, once he wakes I run up the stairs and always keep a close eye on the monitor. I really want to break him of the contact napping and start to try to get longer stretches at night ( he is also a super light sleeper) so I bought the Isla grace program. Hoping to get somewhere once we get back from vacation mid November. I love bedsharing but I think him being in bed with us is actually waking him up more. He normally wakes around 5 times a night after I get in bed at 10/11ish but sometimes it can get really bad at 7-8 times a night and I am starting to get frustrated and my DH and I have not had any quality time

 

[cr0011]

@windy35 Hey! Can you let me know Isla Grace works for you? My daughter is similar to your son except only contact naps and refuses to sleep in her crib, so much like OP, I basically have zero free time to spend with myself or my hubby lol a Isla Grace seems like a great program and I’d looove to know how it works for you!

 

[windy35]

@cr0011 Yes definitely! It’s a long day program and she doesn’t recommend skipping to the problem/solution section. But I have been trying to get through it here and there. I will keep you updated once I try implementing her recommendations.

 

[wini]

@forgivenandloved Teach your 1 year old how to get off the bed safely (by going feet first). Problem solved.

That's what I did with my eldest at that age. We didn't even had a sude car just a bed which we coslept in.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@wini He does know how to climb down feet first, but I don't trust him to do it in the dark when he's sleepy or scared. Maybe I'm just overly anxious but I worry..

 

[wini]

@forgivenandloved Leave a night light on?

 

[leematthew1234]

@forgivenandloved There are definitely ways to extend how long they are comfortable sleeping alone without sleep training. I bedshare with my girl and when she is teething I am in so many times... But rest of the time I can get 2-3 hours with my partner at night (10months)

What I would do is be consistent. Make this your sole focus for a week. You won't see results right away, you will be going in a lot more initially. But give it a week.

You need a floor bed/safe set up that you can watch baby on the monitor and leave them alone. Side nurse and roll out. When they stir, go in immediately. DO NOT make a fuss or over comfort as if anything bad happened, waking alone is normal. Just be like... Sup baby, you woke up? Thats cool, want some boob?

They will wkae a ton but eventually you should see an improvement throughout the week where they know you will come if they wake up so they will freak out a lot less. And put themselves back to sleep the odd time. Your baby will cry, but this is not cruel or cry it out, you go into them instantly and offer comfort no matter if it takes 30 times. Then they learn it's cool, you're always around somewhere if they need

 

[roninmd]

@forgivenandloved Can you try getting a low platform bed frame so that you can leave the baby in there after the first wake up? And use a video monitor to keep an eye on him while you're not in there?