@pr0cessa This is textbook financial abuse and if I were you I’d make sure family or friends can safely assist you in leaving this relationship before it escalates… for some perspective my husband and I have had joint since long before we had children and even tho I bring no money home being a SAHP I am the one in charge of 90% of our finances. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, please stay safe.
Husband won’t open a joint account…. Thoughts?
- Thread starter pr0cessa
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deirdreatkins
New member
@pr0cessa Yeah, that would not work for me. I've always been hyper independent and my husband and I had many, many discussions about money before I became a SAHM. I told him that having to ask him for money and to have to clear purchases with him would put him in a parental role and that's not how I want to live (and it's a big turnoff). He added me to his accounts, got me a credit card under his account and told me to pick a credit card so that I can have privacy on what I buy for gifts or whatever the hell I want.
As long as there is no issue of misusing family funds or irresponsible spending, I see absooutely no reason for him to want total control and would urge you to follow through on seeking employment if he continues this path. He's not treating you as a partner, he's treating you almost like an unpaid intern.
As long as there is no issue of misusing family funds or irresponsible spending, I see absooutely no reason for him to want total control and would urge you to follow through on seeking employment if he continues this path. He's not treating you as a partner, he's treating you almost like an unpaid intern.
katrina2017
New member
seabiscuit
New member
@pr0cessa Yes, this is financial abuse and leaves you in an extremely vulnerable position and helps to trap you in the relationship. It is controlling and downright dangerous for you to be unable to spend a few dollars here and there without having to wait for him to mail you money. What if there were an emergency? What if you ran out of gas?
If he won’t add you to the bank account, not only do you need to find your own steady source of income, but you also need to think long and hard about whether this is a relationship that is safe for you to stay in
If he won’t add you to the bank account, not only do you need to find your own steady source of income, but you also need to think long and hard about whether this is a relationship that is safe for you to stay in
captainrogers20
New member
simpleliving
New member
@pr0cessa It’s not good for all the reasons mentioned. One possibility if he came from a financially insecure background is him being afraid of giving up his own financial control. There’s an easy fix for both this and him not following through. YOU open a second account and add him to it. Then he just needs to set up automatic transfers to that account every at period. He wouldn’t necessarily need to transfer his entire paycheck. He could leave a little for himself in his personal account; and transfer the equal amount over to your personal account.
@pr0cessa So, I think you should compare your situation to mine—my husband didn’t want to fully merge our finances, and I agreed with that, so we opened one joint account and kept our separate accounts.
Then I quit my job to stay home, which was not originally part of our plan. We still did not fully merge our finances. But I am NEVER without access to money. I have a credit card that always gets paid. We both discuss our spending to make sure we are keeping within our budget. If I need cash, I have money in my own account, and if I ran out then I could transfer from our joint or my husband would transfer from his account to mine. I would never have to ask for money to go do something.
Not having access to money is a big red flag.
Then I quit my job to stay home, which was not originally part of our plan. We still did not fully merge our finances. But I am NEVER without access to money. I have a credit card that always gets paid. We both discuss our spending to make sure we are keeping within our budget. If I need cash, I have money in my own account, and if I ran out then I could transfer from our joint or my husband would transfer from his account to mine. I would never have to ask for money to go do something.
Not having access to money is a big red flag.
corintiano
New member
@pr0cessa My husband & I have a joint account for our mortgage, my car loan, & groceries. Other than that, we’re separate. I gave up fighting him on it a couple of years ago. I work part time so I have my own money & it has helped me feel much more secure & stable & I can buy myself and/or my daughter what we need. I don’t think my husband does it to control or manipulate me. He tells me what he buys & how much he has. I do the same with him. It still bothers me sometimes but not like it used to.
Your story sounds a bit more red flaggy to me.
Your story sounds a bit more red flaggy to me.
george134679
New member
@pr0cessa Set a deadline of Monday and if you don’t have equal access to money by end of day Monday you are getting a job.
And by access I mean your name on all the accounts, passwords, and knowing where money is invested and kept.
Either you’re a team and it’s YOUR money together or you’re not.
Being a SAHP is a partnership. My partner can be at work more and be promoted, etc. without taking off random days for sick kids and what not.
He then earns more. We both win. We’re both happy.
If he doesn’t value what you staying home does for the kids and his career- don’t let that stand.
And by access I mean your name on all the accounts, passwords, and knowing where money is invested and kept.
Either you’re a team and it’s YOUR money together or you’re not.
Being a SAHP is a partnership. My partner can be at work more and be promoted, etc. without taking off random days for sick kids and what not.
He then earns more. We both win. We’re both happy.
If he doesn’t value what you staying home does for the kids and his career- don’t let that stand.
@pr0cessa My late wife came from parents who had a very nasty divorce. Never really commingled finances even after a 20 plus year marriage. While we put each other’s names on each other’s accounts we knew who would pay each of the monthly bills. We had our own back accounts, probably because we didn’t to keep our eggs in one basket but also had a joint account for cash for convience.
On the plus side, putting each other as seconds, it made it easier to continue paying bills after she passed. Down side … well not really much. It’s just paperwork. As long as bills are paid and kids are okay, doesn’t really matter.
On the plus side, putting each other as seconds, it made it easier to continue paying bills after she passed. Down side … well not really much. It’s just paperwork. As long as bills are paid and kids are okay, doesn’t really matter.
@pr0cessa I’m literally going through the same thing. Came here with a throwaway account specifically to post about this, and your post was the first on the feed.
I have been a SAHM for several years, and actively looking for a job, but it’s outrageously hard finding a job after you’ve been out of the workforce. And if I do find a job, I certainly couldn’t afford to live as a single mom of three on the income I’m offered….I just feel so stuck.
I have no advice and I’m so sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you because it’s a terrible terrible feeling.
I have been a SAHM for several years, and actively looking for a job, but it’s outrageously hard finding a job after you’ve been out of the workforce. And if I do find a job, I certainly couldn’t afford to live as a single mom of three on the income I’m offered….I just feel so stuck.
I have no advice and I’m so sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you because it’s a terrible terrible feeling.
@pr0cessa Ask yourself if it’s normal to have to ask for a 3$ purchase. It’s not. Not sure how things were prior but this is not ok. You are setting yourself up to be in a bad spot . Even if you had a bank account together and 3$ had to be cleared ( assuming you all aren’t in horrible debt) that would still not be ok