Sad that my husband only wants one

@dan2082 Just an FYI, this sub (imo) seems to skew to those who are OAD by choice (or maybe they are just the most vocal). You will see a lot of posts bragging about how much they love having an only, how much they loved being an only, etc. I'm happy for them, I'm happy that they are content and can give their all to their only. No one should have a kid solely to give their other child a sibling.

But I think some of these folks can be kind of tone deaf to those like you who struggle with wanting another. Saying things like "isn't your only enough?" or "do you want to irreparably damage your marriage and cause a divorce?"
The answers to those are obvious. No one comes here to be chastised or called selfish. You can recognize the reality of having an only, find joy in it, and still grieve that potential child you'll never have.

My husband is adamantly OAD, so I am, too. I can see the perks of it and I completely understand that, logically, it just makes sense for us to stick with one - especially given I had a high risk pregnancy and a difficult postpartum experience. Most days I am completely content with my only, but I always dreamed of having 3. The grief comes and goes in waves, as grief does. Some days it is rough and I am SO SO glad I don't have another to tend to, so I try to focus on that. My only and I stay very busy, and I'm so glad I can focus all my attention on her. I have fertility issues and feel blessed to even have my one, but that doesn't erase the feelings I feel. I go to therapy for other reasons, but it's something I've discussed before. Yes, I am a mother even with just one child, just as someone who wrote one book is still an author, but maybe I wanted to write another and can't. It stinks. You're allowed to be sad.

I don't bank on my husband changing his mind and I wouldn't recommend anyone do that. The choice to me (divorce and potentially remarry to MAYBE have more or stay with my husband and only have one) is obvious. Again, that doesn't change my feelings. Hang in there.
 
@dan2082 Ask yourself this, OP:

Are you willing to risk your marriage/relationship with your husband for your desire to have more children? If so, do you think that’s fair to your current child?

Being a good parent means being completely selfless. Have a long think on what that means to you.
 
@dan2082 If I were you, I would drop the subject with him entirely for at least a year. Some people hate the baby stage but love having toddlers/little kid. Parenting eases up as your kids get a bit older. If that happens, the baby stage can be seen as a necessary evil and more doable as you aren’t stretched so thin. In the US, on average, siblings are spaced 4.2 years apart and with good reason. Toddlers and babies are hard and two in daycare at once is expensive.

I’m not saying your husband will come around, he very well may not, and wanting one kid is a valid desire that needs to be honored and abided. All kids deserve to be born to two enthusiastic parents. But I do think that pressing the issue now is going to entrench everyone further in their positions and take a toll on your marriage.
 
@dan2082 Hello - I’m in a similar boat except my child is now 2 years old. I keep hoping that as she gets older, my husband will begin to enjoy it more and come around to the idea of having another. We are in couples therapy and I’m in individual therapy. I’d recommend therapy to try to avoid resentment and find joy in the life you currently have. That’s what I’m trying to do though I still do hope my husband does change his mind. It’s a tough place to be when you and your partner don’t have a shared vision for your family size.
 
@dan2082 The first year of my daughter my wife stayed at home. She was all day tired and always complaining that she did it instead of me. I really didn’t enjoyed a whole year of being the bad guy for supporting the family working instead of staying at home dad
After a few months of that time my wife asked me if I wanted a second one and I said no.

After a couple of year she returned to work. Now I am willing to have a second one even if is the same.
My wife doesn’t want a child now.

It’s hard. Sometimes is not the right time for both parents. I wish you sort this out
 
@originaloatmeal Aww I’m sorry but to be completely honest a lot of men are like big kids themselves. They don’t want another child because that will take attention away from him. Idk but the best feeling in the world is watching your kids play with each other and love each other. One is naturally not enough and you know it in your soul.
 
@dan2082 Oh, I am 100% in this boat with you. I waited until my child was approaching 2 to bring up the topic, but it was the exact same thing. He’s firmly OAD for the anxiety of it all. He’s very routine oriented and not very flexible, and some things about fatherhood are overwhelming. I’ve always had the viewpoint that hard things can still be worth it, but he doesn’t agree here. It’s been heartbreaking, especially when friends have announced their seconds and thirds. It’s made me distance myself from them because of jealousy.

On the other hand, I have had some wonderful experiences with my child. I’ve intentionally thought of what I want to do with her to make her childhood the best it can be. We’ve taken family trips, done fun activities, and fostered curiosity and intelligence at every turn. I spend money a bit more freely (but not wildly). I am very sad sometimes (not constantly, the way I felt at first) about the way it’s going to be, but it’s okay most of the time, and I find a lot of joy. I also plan to out my extra mothering into foster animals once our house is pet-free and hosting foreign exchange students once my child is in the school system. Making these plans helps me feel a little comforted, at least.
 
Oh, and I put the onus of birth control on him. The thought of taking a pill to prevent something I desperately want was too depressing for me.
 
@dan2082 To be honest, sometimes I do resent him and his issues. I think that’s normal, and I don’t let it stop me from loving him. I do my best to remind myself why I chose him in the first place. Those reasons are still valid. I let myself have my feelings, remind myself that it’s not going to change, and do my best to think about or do other things. If another child mattered to me more than our family unit, I would consider leaving, but that’s not the case for me. I’ve also had a lot of therapy in my life, and I know how to work through some of these negative emotions. If you’ve never had anyone objective (or paid) to talk these things through, I think it’s a great idea.
 
@dan2082 I’m going through this right now. I’m sorry you have to go through it too. I am not OAD by choice. I have just never been able to find a man who actually wanted a child after my son’s dad and I divorced 10 years ago. I was just unlucky enough to find men who didn’t appreciate kids and how amazing they are.

My last relationship wasted 5 years of my time. I still have regular cycles but I’m 40 now and I guess I need to accept that my time to have one more is done. No man wants a woman at 40. Or at least no man I met and I have dated all ages including younger men. I am currently with another man and have been for a year. He wasn’t super excited about kids and just wants it to be me and him. I’m done trying to find a man so I don’t bother anymore.

It’s a process of mourning, and you most likely will end up resenting your husband if you can’t make peace with his decision. I still resent that ex who wasted my time for 5 years because of it. I don’t resent my current guy because I didn’t hope for a child with him that hard.

I have been making peace with my mourning more and more by embracing being able to go anywhere we want and do whatever we want now that my sons mostly grown. Not having babies or young children around does open you up to being able to do a lot in the world. I work with my sons of Cub Scout troop as a leader and still get the fun of working with kids. I would like to be a foster parent one day because it doesn’t matter if a child is biologically related, or if I’d have them short term; I’d love them just as much, plus I’m getting to help someone who might not have that love otherwise.

But still I do cry at times because I think to myself, what makes me so unlovable that no one wanted to have a child with me? That’s rejection and venting over the unfairness of the whole thing of never being able to find the right person.

I’m sorry this is so long :) I just know how much this hurts and want you to know that one way or the other you will find peace at some point.
 
@miktay Awww I’m so sorry you feel like that!! I don’t think it’s YOU I think it’s men. I think lots of men just don’t want kids and behind closed doors they’re being pressured to have them… some men give in easier than others. Mine and apparently yours are ones that don’t give in as easy. (I know my husband is as stubborn as they come)

Thank you for writing this at least we’re not alone
 
@dan2082 Exact same situation here tho before my baby was born I thought I'd be fine with just one now that she's here I really would go for another. She is also just over a year old and I grew up an only child too. I didn't mind being an only child and knew there are pluses and minuses either way. I love my daughter so much and I feel like I have more to give and want to see what another baby of ours would be like.

My husband is firmly oad, has his vasectomy booked already and I keep asking him to push it out further :( his main reason is his age, he's 44 and he doesn't want another at this age mainly due to not having energy and he's worried about having a baby with a disability due to his age. I'm also on the older side (38) so I have about a year or two before I really wouldn't want to be pregnant over 40.
 
@dan2082 To be honest most men out there don’t really want kids at all. They might not say it publicly but it’s how we all feel. Be happy with one and know you got the best of both worlds.
 
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