@steveepperson Your feelings are 10000% valid.
How to not be irrationally resentful at husband for getting full sleep every night?
- Thread starter steveepperson
- Start date
@steveepperson I breastfeed and am not yet pumping, so I do all the night feeds but my partner gets up and changes her nappy and then brings her to me. He then spends time settling her if she wont sleep after a feed, we generally take turns. He is going back to work (from home at first) next week and he doesnt plan to suddenly tap out.
If hes working from home he is likely able to take naps or rest during lunch.
If hes working from home he is likely able to take naps or rest during lunch.
elizabeda777
New member
@steveepperson I would be so cross! You’ve asked a couple of other people what shifts their partners take, so I thought I’d tell you ours. My baby is one month old, so not that much younger than yours.
My baby does a bit long feed (or feeds) in the evening. If it’s early enough in the evening then I settle him into his bassinet. If it’s late (which I count as after 9:30) then I pass him to my partner to settle, and I go to sleep. My partner - who used so stay up much later - usually goes to sleep early now too. Ideally we are both asleep by 10pm. Then I do all the night feeds because I’m breastfeeding and can’t be bothered with bottles and pumps etc (my oldest never really took to a bottle despite us trying, so I associate it with a lot of work but no reward).
If I’m up longer than an hour for a night feed then I wake him up. I usually try to avoid that though… then if there is a feed that ends after 5am I sometimes wake him and give him our baby. If the night has been rough, he stays awake and holds the baby to try to get me as much sleep as possible. If the night hasn’t been too bad then he just settles baby back into the cot for me - but it means I get to go back to sleep a bit sooner! Sometimes (especially if he is home all day) I wouldn’t wake him at the end of that feed, but might go back to sleep after a later feed. Even just another hour or two of sleep at the end of the night can make a HUGE difference to how I feel!
My baby does a bit long feed (or feeds) in the evening. If it’s early enough in the evening then I settle him into his bassinet. If it’s late (which I count as after 9:30) then I pass him to my partner to settle, and I go to sleep. My partner - who used so stay up much later - usually goes to sleep early now too. Ideally we are both asleep by 10pm. Then I do all the night feeds because I’m breastfeeding and can’t be bothered with bottles and pumps etc (my oldest never really took to a bottle despite us trying, so I associate it with a lot of work but no reward).
If I’m up longer than an hour for a night feed then I wake him up. I usually try to avoid that though… then if there is a feed that ends after 5am I sometimes wake him and give him our baby. If the night has been rough, he stays awake and holds the baby to try to get me as much sleep as possible. If the night hasn’t been too bad then he just settles baby back into the cot for me - but it means I get to go back to sleep a bit sooner! Sometimes (especially if he is home all day) I wouldn’t wake him at the end of that feed, but might go back to sleep after a later feed. Even just another hour or two of sleep at the end of the night can make a HUGE difference to how I feel!
elizabeda777
New member
For context - we’ve had a few nights with 3-4 hourly feeds when I didn’t wake my partner. Recently they’ve been every 2-3 hours overnight, and often less than every 2.5 hours. So I’ve woken him at 5 (or soon after) a few times and our baby has slept well while being held, sometimes giving me my longest stretch of sleep for the whole night!
Staying up until midnight on the internet is wasting precious helping time! If he’s going to do that, he should either do a feed or be in charge of keeping baby asleep during that time, to give you as long a block of sleep as possible
Staying up until midnight on the internet is wasting precious helping time! If he’s going to do that, he should either do a feed or be in charge of keeping baby asleep during that time, to give you as long a block of sleep as possible
@steveepperson Can he take the 9am feed so you can sleep from 6am-12pm? Thats what worked best for us. I also try to grab what sleep i can between the night feeds
agnosticguest
New member
@steveepperson My husband does around 3:30-8:30am. But when I tag him in it’s when I get the baby down after a MOTN feed so all he has to do is switch rooms and go to sleep, and be attentive for the next waking. Which hopefully is closer to 6am when he feeds a bottle of pumped milk. And he works. It’s fine.
@steveepperson It sounds like you're feeling frustrated and resentful towards your husband for not taking more night shifts with the baby. It's completely understandable to feel this way, especially if you're feeling exhausted and sleep deprived.
It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you're feeling and your concerns about the night shift situation. It's important to be respectful and understanding, but also to express your needs and feelings. You might try saying something like, "I really appreciate that you've been helping with the night shifts, but I'm feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted. I would really appreciate it if we could find a way to share the night shifts more evenly. Is there anything we can do to make that happen?"
It's also important to remember that it's okay to ask for help and support from others, whether it's family, friends, or a postpartum doula. It's normal to feel overwhelmed as a new parent, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and self-care.
It's also important to communicate with your husband about your expectations and boundaries. If you feel like there are always reasons he can't take the night shifts, it might be helpful to have a conversation about what you both need and expect from each other in terms of parenting responsibilities.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. It's tough to navigate these challenges as a new parent, but it's important to remember that it's okay to ask for help and to take care of yourself.
It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you're feeling and your concerns about the night shift situation. It's important to be respectful and understanding, but also to express your needs and feelings. You might try saying something like, "I really appreciate that you've been helping with the night shifts, but I'm feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted. I would really appreciate it if we could find a way to share the night shifts more evenly. Is there anything we can do to make that happen?"
It's also important to remember that it's okay to ask for help and support from others, whether it's family, friends, or a postpartum doula. It's normal to feel overwhelmed as a new parent, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and self-care.
It's also important to communicate with your husband about your expectations and boundaries. If you feel like there are always reasons he can't take the night shifts, it might be helpful to have a conversation about what you both need and expect from each other in terms of parenting responsibilities.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. It's tough to navigate these challenges as a new parent, but it's important to remember that it's okay to ask for help and to take care of yourself.
@steveepperson My husband is a night owl with higher sleep needs, and I’m a morning person so we split feedings like this:
9 pm - I feed baby and then go to bed (he changes diaper and tries to get her to sleep)
12 am (ish) - He wakes me up to feed baby and then he changes diaper and puts her to sleep. He goes to sleep
3 am (ish) - I wake with baby, feed, change, put to sleep
6 am (ish) - I wake with baby, feed, change, he gets up around 7 and makes coffee/breakfast.
That way he could get 6 hours or so of uninterrupted sleep and I could get more sleep earlier in the night when I felt sleepier. Maybe something like that would work for you guys? Also I promise it gets easier!
9 pm - I feed baby and then go to bed (he changes diaper and tries to get her to sleep)
12 am (ish) - He wakes me up to feed baby and then he changes diaper and puts her to sleep. He goes to sleep
3 am (ish) - I wake with baby, feed, change, put to sleep
6 am (ish) - I wake with baby, feed, change, he gets up around 7 and makes coffee/breakfast.
That way he could get 6 hours or so of uninterrupted sleep and I could get more sleep earlier in the night when I felt sleepier. Maybe something like that would work for you guys? Also I promise it gets easier!
mausstlyred
New member
@purecori This is what me and my husband did. I think the key is setting out the shift expectations so there’s no ambiguity. The minute you’re hoping your partner will take one for the team in the middle of the night you’re screwed.
Pick your windows, early shift/late shift, someone is on “wake up duty”, the truth of it is no one is sleeping as much as they want but everyone should be aiming for 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It takes awhile but you need it. You DESERVE it. And the resentment will grow. An early conversation and division of labour could spare you a bit of rage.
Pick your windows, early shift/late shift, someone is on “wake up duty”, the truth of it is no one is sleeping as much as they want but everyone should be aiming for 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It takes awhile but you need it. You DESERVE it. And the resentment will grow. An early conversation and division of labour could spare you a bit of rage.
@steveepperson No idea. 2.5 years in and I still do almost all the wakeups lol.
@steveepperson My bf works second shift from 2pm-10pm. He gets home around 10:30 and takes over while I make dinner. Baby has one more bottle between 9-11 so I'll feed her one last time before going to sleep usually around 11 or 11:30 depending on when baby's last bottle is and how elaborate dinner is. He takes from the time I go to sleep until 2:00am. I try to get everything done during the day before bf goes to work or while baby is napping so that I can nap when baby naps later in the evening if I need to. Baby is 4 months old and wakes up between 3am-5am so I for sure get 3-5 hours of sleep. If she does wake up during his shift with her she has a diaper change and a bottle before going right back to sleep.
@steveepperson He’s being an ass about this. Both of you need one long stretch, figure out which one works best for both. For example who is a night owl and who is an early riser. He’s being unfair to you as a partner, never mind skiving off his parental role. He needs to do more, so you get to keep your senses.
We did one night feed by bottle when ours was waking up every 2-3 hours, and my husband took the baby when they woke up so that I got to catch up on whatever hours of sleep I missed during the night. Now that our baby sleeps longer stretches it doesn’t make sense for him to feed them because I would have to wake up anyway to pump, so I do all the feedings but if the baby doesn’t settle right away (usually falls asleep while nursing) or has to be changed I wake up my husband to do it and I can go back to sleep.
Sleep deprivation is horrible, and your husband is acting very selfishly for a man who has a newborn baby and a wife to take care of. You both are his responsibility now since you’re stuck breastfeeding and need more energy to keep up with that. Stress can affect your milk supply as well!
We did one night feed by bottle when ours was waking up every 2-3 hours, and my husband took the baby when they woke up so that I got to catch up on whatever hours of sleep I missed during the night. Now that our baby sleeps longer stretches it doesn’t make sense for him to feed them because I would have to wake up anyway to pump, so I do all the feedings but if the baby doesn’t settle right away (usually falls asleep while nursing) or has to be changed I wake up my husband to do it and I can go back to sleep.
Sleep deprivation is horrible, and your husband is acting very selfishly for a man who has a newborn baby and a wife to take care of. You both are his responsibility now since you’re stuck breastfeeding and need more energy to keep up with that. Stress can affect your milk supply as well!
@steveepperson He just needs to realize that you both are going to be a little sleep deprived and he’ll have to figure out how to deal with that. It’s not fair to have you incredibly sleep deprived and him sleeping through the night - he will need to make a later shift or an earlier shift work with work, and if that means he’ll be tired, then he’ll be tired. You’re working too. You’re both working. You can’t opt out by saying “well I’ll just be too tired to do that” so why should he be able to?