My husband offered me an out yesterday

@pkhaney It seems like burnout. Along with him upping his therapy I would recommend couples counseling. There needs to be couple time, family time, and hobby time. I have been reading and recommend Hold the Line by Cyndi Doyle (for you) and Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Dr. Kevin Gilmartin (for both of you).
 
@elenchikos Yes read the books buy do NOT enter couples counselling now that he's abusing power and broken trust. Gilmartin will send you down a line of problem solving you do not need to bother with. This is a him problem. He fractured and he needs to repair. Departments offer all of the supports to LEOs and almost nothing to families of. When shot hits the fan they'll back him and you'll be collateral damage. Which is a terrifying space to inhabit. You can't love them harder through DV which is what this is.
 
@jesuslover20021234 Is there some projection going on here?

I don’t know OP or her partner, but nothing I read points to abuse or DV. Trust and boundaries have been broken for sure, but abuse? I don’t see it.

There is potential for this to be overcome.
 
@pkhaney I think he was hoping he’d find something so HE would have an out. “My wife cheated on me while I worked so hard for my family and to keep my community safe” is WAY easier to say than “I’m selfish and I don’t want this life anymore.” I’d recommend couples counseling OP, to see where the problem really lies. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s really rough.
 
@aramar No to couples counselling with LEOs. Not ever. They're professionally trained manipulators and he's already abusing power and broken trust. Contraindications for couples therapy right there
 
@jesuslover20021234 I would actually say that Law Enforcement Officers (really any first responder, including firefighters and EMTs) need BOTH individual counseling and couples counseling always and forever.

I come from a family of them (though they all work big city, not small town). They see the worst of humanity and have messed up sleep/work schedules. It's hard to come home from a call where a child might have been shot, then you go to a call where a family member passed away, then you get home and have to act like everything is fine and dandy all the while your wake windows are all messed up. It's not sustainable. A lot of first responders end up with PTSD, depression, anxiety, anger issues, the works.

The culture tends to be anti-counseling for police officers and firefighters alike. However, learning how to navigate the deep emotional traumas that come up every day at work, being able to keep your job out of the house, learning to communicate your feelings/experiences with your partner in a healthy matter, etc. are all skills that don't come naturally to most people. My family members have truly benefited from ongoing couples and individual counseling. It has kept them from becoming the monsters you see on the news.
 
@imperfectheart Not a cop but used to work ER/ICU and whenever we had a kid or toddler or anything that hit close to home I would have such a hard time going home to my perfect kids. I would call my husband ahead of time so he could have the kids ready for hugs while I cried. This isn’t even something that happened that regularly, though obviously worse in the summer(PSA PUT A GATE AROUND YOUR POOL AND A MOTION SENSOR). If it was all the time my mind would be fucked over it.
 
@maebee_so I’m an ED social worker. Currently at two hospitals. I cry all the time on my way home. Crying helps move me through my feelings and i find it to be just what i need to reset sometimes. When the pager goes off for a peds trauma, sometimes I call my husband or childcare provider before I get to the room just so i know it’s not my kid. It takes a lot of therapy and ERP skills to stay in the “im so grateful for each day I have because nothing in life is guaranteed” zone and the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” zone.
 
@anayat11011 One day the trauma pager went off for a 2 year old drowning. I walked in the room and saw blonde curls and my stomach just turned because I was terrified it was my son. I felt like I was going to pass out. Horrifying.

We actually got in a really traumatic car accident last year, my son survived and fully recovered from an internal decapitation with no deficits which is unheard of. I don’t work anymore(I’m paralyzed from the chest down) but sometimes I think about how horrifying it must have been for the ems/ER staff who took care of my son that day and I am so thankful for the care they took with him to get him through until his miracle surgeon could heal him. First responders and healthcare workers are amazing.
 
@jesuslover20021234 You’re totally right, I didn’t think about that. I dunno man it’s a tough spot to be in. I’m trying to stop the “girl leave him” comments and give actual advice but I personally wouldn’t marry a cop so maybe I shouldn’t give advice here anyway lol
 
@riverwest No there isn't stigma for LEOs. They create an impenetrable shield around themselves to perpetrate OIDV and then take their families down. Lundy Bancroft writes about mental illness and how it's absolutely not a causative factor. People continue to reinforce this false idea of the bumbling violent man. This cop knows EXACTKLY what he's doing and the all men benefit from violence is true here because all of the women are looking to Justify Argue Defend and Explain the good man's behaviour. He hasn't simply crossed a boundary, he's alerting others to his aspirations.

It's well established and EXYREMELY dangerous. episodes 5&6 are the best resource I can provide and the entire series is important to understand. Please listen to it repeatedly. Police collect therapists and weoponise them. It's all about them protecting their image and they will ALWAYS close ranks with those in power (teachers, therapists, drs, police, judiciary). Don't be fooled by what you think you know; OIDV is some of the most sophisticated systems abuse.
 
@jesuslover20021234 Where’s the violence in this situation?

I’m not denying what you’re saying, abuse is rampant with LEOs in many ways. Does what you’re saying happen, happen? Yes. Absolutely. But I’m not connecting it with violent abuse here because according to what’s in the post, there isn’t any violence. If there were violent abuse in this situation, yes, I’d 10000% agree with you.

There’s definitely studies that show LEOs fail to ask for help because of the stigma surrounding getting help.

ETA - @jesuslover20021234 I was asking for your specific interpretation of what specifically you are considering to be so violent in this post. Yes, he violated her trust by going into her accounts. I see that as a big problem, but wouldn’t consider it violence or more then an abuse of her trust without further context. I can only go by what’s in the post. You are going on and on about violence which is defined quite literally as “behavior involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something” - I don’t see that there. To me, yes, violence IS behavior intended to hurt, as the definition states. ABUSE can be physical, mental, sexual, there’s multiple ways there.

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about the post and myself based on something you’re clearly very passionate about.

Here’s some links on the research I mentioned

study one

study two

study three

So you’re of the opinion all of the studies done on this topic are lies and bs bc they’re all just trying to manipulate the results? No snark there, I’m genuinely curious if that’s what you think.
 
@riverwest What do you mean there isn't any violence? Is violence only broken and bloodied bodies to you? Your collusion with men is admirable but they don't need you to defend or deny their violence. Read OP again. And look at it through a framework of denial that you are promoting with your gendered myths. Police need far less defence than Joe Wife Beater does, they have aggressive unions to perpetuate their entrenched social myths of mental illness and stigmatised masculine culture amplified by their brow beaten WAGs defending them and endlessly trying to solve an impossible problem.

Reinforcing your mythical stigma is simply repeating aggressive police union BS. The fallen hero myth needs to die because the behaviours flagged by OP are NOT a trauma response but symptomatic of OIDV and a values framework which prioritises power over others . This false "love them harder" approach sends police spouses on a quest to save the fallen, putting them smack bang in the drama triangle chasing their tails while male police officers chase tail or continue to escalate because they know they can.

Cops give each other and other violent men the tools to evade accountability for violence. Listen to the evidence filled podcast you ignored entirely to promote your victim blaming nonsense.

The myth of the fallen hero promotes intentional abuses of power. He's violated her privacy, denied it and claimed a bad dream led him to lie? We're not holding our breath waiting for him to refuse to blame her because he's on his slippery slope of values and is demonstrating how DARVO works; I dreamt too did something terrible so had to lie about it? You're not even making sense that there's nO viOLenCE tO sEE hErE.

This isn't the first time OP has been manipulated, denied, countered, deceived or stonewalled. The silent treatment is there. It's just the first time OP has been affected to the point her instincts are activated and everyone's denying reality claiming the poor perpetrator needs a therapist. Someone to help him mask his BS better.

Police are NOT held to a higher standard at all be ause of these entrenched social myths about DV, about police and about men. We know from the evidence that police are reinforcing structural violence. All of these systemic social myths need to die rather than victims of DV repeatedly sacrificed to defend men's rights to violence.

stop reinforcing gendered violence with debunked Justification Arguments Defense and Excuses. JADE needs to stop.​

 
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