My husband offered me an out yesterday

[heraldoftheholyone]

@pkhaney 100% his fucked up routine. Every human needs to or rather should sleep during the night. His routine isn’t sustainable in the long run and will definitely start affecting his physical health too apart from the mental which is already getting affected

 

[katrina2017]

@pkhaney I think he’s just burnt out. Depression sucks. He probably is just over stressing. Depression and anxiety tell make you think all sorts of shit like “ they are better off without me.. “ . He may need a different job or to change hours..

 

[derived813]

@pkhaney Can he leave his job? It sounds like it’s not working out for either of you if it’s jeopardizing your marriage.

 

[monbibu]

@pkhaney It's really hard to say what's going on here.

First, read the books recommended by others in this post: Hold The Line, Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement, I Married a Cop. That will at least give you an idea of what he may be dealing with. Nights are hard. My husband has been a cop for 26 years and he's done it all - patrol, CID, SRO...days, evenings, nights...8 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, regular 9-5 (while in CID & as an SRO). Currently he is back on nights since he just promoted. It is definitely tough. Especially when you try to go back & forth between night hours and daytime hours so you can see your family. At this point nothing fazes us but for a new officer it is quite an adjustment.

But also be aware that even though you don't think he's cheating, at least look for red flags because police departments are very, VERY incestuous.

 

[blacklistedme]

@pkhaney He sounds like a man being utterly consumed by his job and he can’t break out of that role even at home, off duty. Frontline jobs can be so intense and emotional—and you have to pretend to be calm and relaxed. In reality it sounds like your husband can never relax.

He has no balance whatsoever in his life and he can’t handle it. It’s not a failure. Few can.

 

[atheists_rule]

@pkhaney It sounds like he's depressed and has anxiety. It's really good that he started therapy through his department-- maybe someone noticed he was struggling lately, or it could be mandatory. Either way, hopefully it's helpful. Police work carries pretty high incidences of depression due to the stresses of their job. After a few sessions on his own, it sounds like it would be immensely helpful to do some couples counseling as well. This could be done online if he has trouble finding time or motivation to go somewhere. As for giving you an "out"-- he's projecting. He's feeling overwhelmed and having trouble finding his equilibrium with the schedule he has. If it's possible he could change shifts or work a little less on the side, it would likely be beneficial for his mental health. He also probably feels guilty for not being there for you and the kids like he'd like to, and feels extra guilty because he doesn't want to or can't bring himself to put forth the effort. He knows he's putting a lot on your plate, too. So, preemptively giving you an out is his way of saying he knows he's not doing well, and he knows that makes things harder for you. Lots of reassurance and insisting on therapy and realistic changes will hopefully get him back to himself again. Sorry you're going through this... hugs mama, hang in there!

 

[jesmincan]

@pkhaney He needs time off work. He’s working in his sleep. Therapy is good. Tbh I would t be so upset about the social media crap. He got paranoid. Try and be understanding. Not saying your feelings don’t matter bc they do. He might be suffering from some anxiety and ptsd of something that happened on the job that he hasn’t told you about.
My husband and I are an open book. We share passwords and have access whenever we want. Idc if he goes through everything and he doesn’t care if I go through everything. We don’t consider the need for privacy unless we’re using the bathroom. Lol. Idk. We’re just chill about it.

 

[wintermai]

@pkhaney Lots of other people have brought up burnout, infidelity, therapy, and the other big psych things that you should be considering. Please consider this as something to think about in addition to all those other things. Also, I am assuming you are a SAHM. Is the 7-8 and 3-330 AM or PM? I would suggest taking a close look at your families schedule and seeing what you can do to modify it, especially while school is going on. For example both my kids and I get up at 5 am and bedtime is at 7pm sharp. Why? My husband starts work at 3:30 am every morning. This puts us on a closer schedule to his so on the weekends we get to spend quiet mornings together as a family and then some just us time at bedtime. If it’s not the weekend then I at least get to put a hand on his back while I read at night and he sleeps. He normally sleeps from 6pm to 1am. If your husband sleeps from 8am to 3pm then look at what the ideal weekend family time window would be. Can you all get up earlier to allow for family time in the quiet mornings each weekend? Or would it be better to keep the kids up a little later so that you have family time in the evening?

 

[benjibumm]

@pkhaney Hire a babysitter 4 hours a week to come to your house so you can just chill out with your husband in a room. Make a charcuterie board, drink some wine, and hang out in a room away from the kids. Once you start connecting again, add another day of family time together - in a way that will be the least stressful

 

[nessofonett05]

@pkhaney Do you all have some money you could use to hire a sitter at least once a month for a date night ? I think some couples time would be good for you both . If you can’t do a night date, how about a day time date

 

[only_a_man]

@pkhaney As a mom and a former LEO, midnights messed me up bad. It was like living in a shifted reality. It was hard before we had kids, but after kids, it really affected my relationship with my husband. We both felt like we were single parents in the same house. Luckily my seniority kicked in and I was able to switch to days, but it was hard for a while. In the end I had to make a choice, my career or my family. I’m still working on some ptsd I have from my decade in the job, but I made a major career change and we are all in a much better place. It’s not just the shift work, but the work culture can really impact people in ways they don’t always anticipate. I hope you can all find a good place and solution that works for you.

 

[genitalwartscure]

@pkhaney He needs to switch his swifts to daylight or just do something else for work. When my husband worked overnights there was an adjustment period for a few weeks but after he was fine. He’s not adjusting at all to this schedule and is severely sleep deprived. Which in turn is making him stressed out, paranoid, and depressed and he’s taking it out on everyone else. That’s why he told you he’s giving you an out. He feels like he’s just a burden. It’s often a symptom of depression.

 

[sapon1]

@pkhaney He is in burnout and sounds like he is experiencing depression. Therapy and he should try to find a new job- even if it’s not one he’s stoked about if it pays the bills and gets him on a regular sleep schedule, you all will be SO MUCH happier

 

[uslslp98]

@pkhaney My husband has been on a swing shift for almost 17 years, 14hr days/nights. Extremely high divorce rate in his job. When he’s on nights, he’s useless to us and when he’s on days, he’s gone from 5am to 7-8pm. Thankfully there’s A LOT of time off (about 12 weeks a year total) and he makes enough money so I don’t need to work, but it’s hell on the family. He misses out on so much when he’s on shift, then gets resentful. He’s so very often sleep deprived and that changes his personality- makes him a lot more irritable- so he tends to stay away from everyone. Being on nights really messes with not only your body, but your brain too.
Support him as best you can and when an opportunity comes to bid out of midnights, he needs to take it.

 

[moonmagik1]

@pkhaney Overnights are breaking this man. What he did was completely unacceptable, make no mistake. It seems like self sabotage though. He's got depression controlling his thoughts "she's trapped here, they're better off without me". Maybe this is too generous a take. But you don't seem unhappy or out of love. Just worried about him.

 

[vierentwintig]

@pkhaney Is this job worth your marriage? Can he start applying for something else?

 

[charlesjm]

@pkhaney Have your family Dr check Hubby's vit d level.

 

[djhenryhall]

@pkhaney I worked nights for a total of 12 years. It’s so HARD!! I agree with some of the other comments, I think you both need to have a serious discussion about what’s going on with him. I know myself as a mom who works as a 911 Dispatcher, and my hubby who’s a full time firefighter. between our jobs, it gets really stressful, REALLY EMOTIONAL and sometimes just exhausting.
Talking about what’s going on inside each of you is the best way to not only heal whatever is going on. but to be better partner, a better parent and all around better person.

 

[theduke269]

@pkhaney I so sorry you're dealing with this. FWIW, when my husband worked nights, it was brutal on his mental health and definitely put a strain on our relationship. Not seeing the light of day regularly and getting decent sleep can really mess with a person. I hope you're able to work through this. Maybe counseling for him would be beneficial.

 

[joshua371]

@pkhaney My husband worked nights when we had babies and it was super rough on all of us. Much better when he switched to day shifts. Some people can function like that with kids but some cannot. Also adjusting to a new baby in the house on top of a new job at night is a lot as well! I would focus on sleep and just getting your needs met, all of you, and have him switch to a different shift asap. The first year or two with a new baby is just survival mode in my opinion. Everyone goes a little crazy.