@thewindsbreath thanks i guess I didnt realize how reasonable my disgust and anger was and I wish I had communicated it more firmly instead of telling my husband no one is allowed to do that with my son ever again. Sigh. I try not to make problems with people
Family making inappropriate comments about my baby
- Thread starter obedientsacrifice
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- advice needed new parents
sorry for the family drama, and I really do hope you can avoid the two of them.@ernie1 Holy shit. That’s awful.
Not long after my son was born, he had some redness on the end of his penis, and I wasn’t sure if it was nappy rash or not, so I took a photo to show my partner (he was making dinner downstairs and I didn’t want to have to strip the baby all off again to show him). As soon as I showed it to him, he was like, “I understand you took that with no sexual intent and it was just to show me a medical thing, but you need to delete that right now because you’ve just technically created child porn.” I was like, oh my god, you’re right - thank god I didn’t WhatsApp it, I just showed you on my phone!!
You were 100% in the right and your husband and his family are 100% in the wrong - nobody needs to share naked pictures of children!!!
Not long after my son was born, he had some redness on the end of his penis, and I wasn’t sure if it was nappy rash or not, so I took a photo to show my partner (he was making dinner downstairs and I didn’t want to have to strip the baby all off again to show him). As soon as I showed it to him, he was like, “I understand you took that with no sexual intent and it was just to show me a medical thing, but you need to delete that right now because you’ve just technically created child porn.” I was like, oh my god, you’re right - thank god I didn’t WhatsApp it, I just showed you on my phone!!
You were 100% in the right and your husband and his family are 100% in the wrong - nobody needs to share naked pictures of children!!!
@obedientsacrifice You absolutely are not overreacting. Drawing attention to anyone’s body is incredibly inappropriate imo. Especially if negative or sexualized. I’m dealing with something similar but from my in-laws.
My MIL and SIL are anorexic. My MIL has struggled with anorexia the vast majority of her life and sadly, in turn, her daughter also developed it. They both project their insecurities like no other.
I’m on the curvier side. My 4 month old daughter is in the 95th percentile for height and weight. She’s got rolls for days! I love them. They’re charming and cute.
Once my daughter had developed her rolls my MIL started talking to me about her other granddaughters weight. Particularly a 3 year old and a 6 year old. Both who have a healthy relationship with food and will eat anything under the sun. These two, compared to their very naturally tall, lanky cousins are now considered “chubby” by the family. MIL has commented to me about 3 year olds eating habits and about how she’ll just “eat and eat and eat” and then about 6 year olds stature. Particularly her butt.
Then recently she asked me what I would do if my daughter’s body grew to look like theirs. Or if she got chubby. I then replied that it’s good those girls are eating well. They’re growing! And I’ll be happy with how ever my daughter looks as long as she’s happy and she’s healthy.
These kids aren’t eating a ton of processed foods mind you. They eat home cooked meals that are relatively nutritious.
Anyway, I say all of this because these kinds of people are people who think about THEIR bodies constantly. Someone who feels the need to point out a physical feature on someone else without prompted to do so are projecting. Maybe your mom and sister wanted the body you have. Maybe they’ve gotten the message that being “sexy” makes them worthy. So they must point out those attributes on others. It’s clearly a horrible behavior and habit to have around children. And incredibly in appropriate to sexualize a baby. If possible, try and stop it immediately.
I plan on trying to be as body positive with my daughter as possible. Because I do personally struggle with body image issues and I really don’t want her to feel the pain I do. Unfortunately we cannot hide them from the world of objectification and beauty standards.
So in addition to addressing your concerns with your family, maybe practice talking to your daughter about all of the things her body can DO not how the look. “Wow look at you lifting up that toy, you’re strong!” Things in that vein. Your daughter is rapidly entering toddlerhood and the things her body will be able to do will excite her. “That bird is far away! And you spotted it from right here. What impressive eyes you have!”
It sounds silly but the hope is to help people appreciate their bodies for all that they are capable of doing!
Edited to add some things.
My MIL and SIL are anorexic. My MIL has struggled with anorexia the vast majority of her life and sadly, in turn, her daughter also developed it. They both project their insecurities like no other.
I’m on the curvier side. My 4 month old daughter is in the 95th percentile for height and weight. She’s got rolls for days! I love them. They’re charming and cute.
Once my daughter had developed her rolls my MIL started talking to me about her other granddaughters weight. Particularly a 3 year old and a 6 year old. Both who have a healthy relationship with food and will eat anything under the sun. These two, compared to their very naturally tall, lanky cousins are now considered “chubby” by the family. MIL has commented to me about 3 year olds eating habits and about how she’ll just “eat and eat and eat” and then about 6 year olds stature. Particularly her butt.
Then recently she asked me what I would do if my daughter’s body grew to look like theirs. Or if she got chubby. I then replied that it’s good those girls are eating well. They’re growing! And I’ll be happy with how ever my daughter looks as long as she’s happy and she’s healthy.
These kids aren’t eating a ton of processed foods mind you. They eat home cooked meals that are relatively nutritious.
Anyway, I say all of this because these kinds of people are people who think about THEIR bodies constantly. Someone who feels the need to point out a physical feature on someone else without prompted to do so are projecting. Maybe your mom and sister wanted the body you have. Maybe they’ve gotten the message that being “sexy” makes them worthy. So they must point out those attributes on others. It’s clearly a horrible behavior and habit to have around children. And incredibly in appropriate to sexualize a baby. If possible, try and stop it immediately.
I plan on trying to be as body positive with my daughter as possible. Because I do personally struggle with body image issues and I really don’t want her to feel the pain I do. Unfortunately we cannot hide them from the world of objectification and beauty standards.
So in addition to addressing your concerns with your family, maybe practice talking to your daughter about all of the things her body can DO not how the look. “Wow look at you lifting up that toy, you’re strong!” Things in that vein. Your daughter is rapidly entering toddlerhood and the things her body will be able to do will excite her. “That bird is far away! And you spotted it from right here. What impressive eyes you have!”
It sounds silly but the hope is to help people appreciate their bodies for all that they are capable of doing!
Edited to add some things.
katrina2017
New member
goodgirl21
New member
@goodgirl21 Beautifully said!
@obedientsacrifice Aight so it’s very easy to say SHUT IT DOWN and all this but the conversation itself is very difficult. Don’t wait and let it build up, and don’t wait for it to happen to bring it up. Start with the person in your family you have the best relationship with and explain to them what is going on and how it makes you feel; then work your way through the rest. Make it casual, but express yourself firmly. If you get the ones who are close to you first - they’ll help you communicate it to other members or at least help you in the moment and be an extra pillar of support. DO NOT THREATEN THEM WITH NOT SEEING THE BABY. No one likes that shit and it does more damage than good. Humans have a tendency to disobey when threatened whether intentionally or not.
Tl;dr Express yourself, express yourself, express yourself, do not threaten. And start with the people you trust the most. Make a hierarchy of who makes the uncomfortable comments and work your way up based on trust/comfort levels.
Tl;dr Express yourself, express yourself, express yourself, do not threaten. And start with the people you trust the most. Make a hierarchy of who makes the uncomfortable comments and work your way up based on trust/comfort levels.
katrina2017
New member
@weewee12 I get suggesting not to threaten family with not seeing the baby, and I agree with explaining the situation to each party at a time when everybody is relaxed, but I also think OP does need to make some consequences for the misbehavior and escalate as necessary. That’s how boundaries are laid.
It may start with things like removing the child from the person’s arms and leaving the room with her while saying, “I won’t have my baby sexualized.” End that moment’s interaction. If the person isn’t able to curb the behavior after a few of these reminders, it may escalate to ending visits early. The physical separation needs to be there so the family realizes OP will protect the child FROM the family if they do not participate in protecting her. They need to see that OP holds the cards and expects her rules to be followed when it comes to her child.
It may start with things like removing the child from the person’s arms and leaving the room with her while saying, “I won’t have my baby sexualized.” End that moment’s interaction. If the person isn’t able to curb the behavior after a few of these reminders, it may escalate to ending visits early. The physical separation needs to be there so the family realizes OP will protect the child FROM the family if they do not participate in protecting her. They need to see that OP holds the cards and expects her rules to be followed when it comes to her child.
@katrina2017 “Removing the child from the persons arms and leaving the room while saying ‘I won’t have my baby..’ makes a huge assumption about OP’s personality and behavioral patterns. I get what you’re saying - and that may work for you... but ideally, in real time situation, people may not necessarily act how they actually want to...
I don’t disagree with what you are saying - it’s a tactic , but I believe that the tactic is best when one has already exercised civilized diplomacy. Also, in my experiences, it’s not a good idea to “remove the child” from a persons arms unless that child is in imminent danger.
HOWEVER, OP - if you are reading this, the most important thing is that you are not wrong for feeling the way you feel, and we want you to feel empowered to act so plz do something and do not let this subside no matter what it is that you do
And side_effects_of_life, thx for taking the time to respond I do appreciate your perspective. Hopefully we have helped OP
I don’t disagree with what you are saying - it’s a tactic , but I believe that the tactic is best when one has already exercised civilized diplomacy. Also, in my experiences, it’s not a good idea to “remove the child” from a persons arms unless that child is in imminent danger.
HOWEVER, OP - if you are reading this, the most important thing is that you are not wrong for feeling the way you feel, and we want you to feel empowered to act so plz do something and do not let this subside no matter what it is that you do
And side_effects_of_life, thx for taking the time to respond I do appreciate your perspective. Hopefully we have helped OP
wisconsinpat
New member
@weewee12 That is a really good point about not threatening to keep the baby away from them. You're right that threatening will only out people on the defensive. However, I will add that not threatening this does not mean not doing it.
I would suggest that anyone who doesn't respond to the above conversation with respect and understanding should be phased out of the baby's life. This might be hard, but if they can't respect your daughter's childhood they should not be given the opportunity to infect her with their toxicity. No warning, no threats. Just... "I don't feel comfortable with how you talk to/about my daughter, so we won't be coming over to visit."
If they can't treat your daughter with respect simply because you asked them to, then threatening them won't be effective.
I would suggest that anyone who doesn't respond to the above conversation with respect and understanding should be phased out of the baby's life. This might be hard, but if they can't respect your daughter's childhood they should not be given the opportunity to infect her with their toxicity. No warning, no threats. Just... "I don't feel comfortable with how you talk to/about my daughter, so we won't be coming over to visit."
If they can't treat your daughter with respect simply because you asked them to, then threatening them won't be effective.
@f8th60 Yes! Threatening gives then a chance to respond, to argue. But just doing it and being firm and clear about why you're doing it in the same moment that it's happening completely takes control of the situation and established OP as the one who gets to decide (which they rightfully are because it's their kid!).
Also calling a baby sexy is fucken weird in my book and completely inappropriate. OP you are 100% right to shut that shit down. They probably mean it innocently but in reality you know what type of people think babies are sexy? Pedophiles.
Also calling a baby sexy is fucken weird in my book and completely inappropriate. OP you are 100% right to shut that shit down. They probably mean it innocently but in reality you know what type of people think babies are sexy? Pedophiles.
katrina2017
New member
@jksilvers Or, if they try to argue, tell them it’s not up for discussion. If they persist, leave (or kick them out).
Having boundaries is not a “threat,” nor is it an argument that’s up for argument or negotiation. You get to decide.
Having boundaries is not a “threat,” nor is it an argument that’s up for argument or negotiation. You get to decide.
katrina2017
New member
obedientsacrifice
New member
@weewee12 Yeah my mom and sister LOVE to flex their control muscles. They love to downplay and roll their eyes when I express concerns. They couldn’t even follow a toy list is spent two months making for the holidays. I watched things my daughter enjoyed, looked up and compared brands, what is good for development and such. They went for things that flashed and yelled.
My whole family is dismissive of me. Always has been. So it’s really hard for me to confront them and have polite but firm conversations without being shut up.
My daughter was getting overwhelmed with Christmas gifts and excitement, and I said “Oh maybe we should take a break, she’s getting a little overstimulated.”
My mom said, “oh whatever no she’s not, stop it.”
It’s just hard because I’m not really close to anyone in my family. There’s no easy person to go to first. And I’m not for the whole “you can’t see my baby” thing because then that’s not fair for my daughter, but I’m also not sure what the consequences should be.
My whole family is dismissive of me. Always has been. So it’s really hard for me to confront them and have polite but firm conversations without being shut up.
My daughter was getting overwhelmed with Christmas gifts and excitement, and I said “Oh maybe we should take a break, she’s getting a little overstimulated.”
My mom said, “oh whatever no she’s not, stop it.”
It’s just hard because I’m not really close to anyone in my family. There’s no easy person to go to first. And I’m not for the whole “you can’t see my baby” thing because then that’s not fair for my daughter, but I’m also not sure what the consequences should be.