I don’t have a mom or a lot of family. Give me some motherly advice and tips about my first born

@madscribbler Hi! I have a 4 month old Velcro baby :) I absolutely adore her. While it’s tough, I’m enjoying every contact nap and giving her all the comfort she needs because it won’t last long. Soon she’ll be a confident, independent toddler who doesn’t need me as much.

My advice to you would be listen to your instincts and your baby. If your baby is showing signs they are hungry even though they just ate, feed them. Don’t follow an arbitrary schedule made by a stranger online. Only you know your baby, yes take advice that’s given but don’t follow it like it’s gospel.

If your baby is ever inconsolable and you don’t know what to do, go outside or have a bath with baby. Something about a change of scenery can help calm down the crying, and skin to skin in a warm bath is incredibly relaxing for you and baby.

My biggest tip to you would be to sing the same song to your baby when you’re putting them down for every nap and night time sleep. You’re playing the long game but eventually you’ll have a song that will help your baby go sleep or simply calm down. I’ve been doing this since birth and when she’s crying in the car I can sing the song or just play it and she’ll calm down. 9/10 it only takes me singing it twice to get her to sleep when we’re at home as well.

Also, be patient with yourself! You and your baby are both brand new at this and will take time to get to know each other and figure out how to do this new life.

Congratulations! Motherhood is the best adventure ❤️ if you ever want to chat feel free to DM me.
 
@madscribbler Hormones go on a high when you give birth, then there is a BIG comedown. Days 2 and 3 are not to be considered the new normal. You may feel like you loose your own identity in being a mom. It's not baby's fault, and it isn't your fault either. It takes time but you will get back to yourself - that self will not be the same person you were before and that can be a wonderful thing.

Aside: mother can identify their own kids by smell. That smell had a calming effect for me. So holding your baby can be as good for you as it is for them.
 
@madscribbler Hugs, internet friend! I had my first baby last June and am low contact with my mom. It can feel so hard to go through these big changes without one.
  1. It’s okay to check out mentally while still staying checked in physically. During peak crying times, it is HARD. I would hold my baby, put on some music, and just wait out the storm.
  2. The calming playlist (see above). The playlist had soothing songs for baby (but they were regular songs, not kid music). When things got really bad, we played the playlist. It got to a point where, by association, the playlist made me feel better…
  3. Cloth diapers! And if you don’t want to do the laundry (every little bit helps + the laundry routine is a learning curve) see if there’s a cloth diaper service in your area.
 
@madscribbler “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is dumb advice. Do what you need to do for your own self care during that time - even if it’s scroll your phone. You don’t need to teach them to sleep, it’s developmental and people only say otherwise to sell their sleep plans. Fed is best, breastfeeding might work or not, all that matters is the baby eats. You don’t need a ton of things for a baby, but it’s fine if you want them! You can pry my lovevery subscription and baby Bjorn bouncer from my cold dead hands. Cradle cap is normal and fine. Most skin things are also fine. You’ll know how to do more things instinctively than you think ❤️
 
@madscribbler Just make sure they’re not laying in the same position all the time. By carrying them around, wearing them, or propping them up on one of those little Boppy pillows just to introduce some variety. The flat head comes from laying flat on a firm surface all the time I think…we had a swing by fisher price that my son loved so we would alternate between putting him in the swing, on the floor on a boppy pillow, flat on a blanket, or wearing him
 
@madscribbler This may seem paradoxical, hopefully it won't be relevant--

It's totally normal to feel exhausted, burnt out, anxious, and many other things postpartum, so give yourself grace and try not to internalize whatever is happening as some kind of referendum on your parenting.

Also, don't accept feeling depressed and anxious and bad. Seek medical help. Don't normalize postpartum life being hard to the extent that you ignore your own well-being. You're inevitably going to be tired and have some worries, but don't settle for being debilitatingly anxious or so low or dissociated that you aren't able to be present in moments of joy.

With our first, my partner was really suffering with postpartum OCD. We made sure she had all possible mental health care in place ahead of our second-- we thought we were on top of it and had learned from experience. We were talking with a counselor planning for baby two, and I expressed wanting to seek help sooner if things are bad. The counselor asked when I'd place the cut off. I apologetically said four months. She said she'd give us two weeks of being underwater before we shouldn't accept it and it's time for intervention. (FWIW, we're five months in and we're in good shape with regular counselling and psychiatric care.)
 
@madscribbler
  1. Whatever works for you and baby is what is best. Apply that logic to everything (obvious safety issues like car seat use and medical care aside). Within my circle of close mom friends, we have a huge range of parenting choices. I know kids who sleep 11pm-10am and kids who sleep 6pm-6am. I know some families who do breakfast as their main big family meal. Some cosleep or have a family bedroom, others have had their babies in their own rooms from birth. My kids both hated being in baby carriers, but loved being in the stroller, so I never babywore and it felt like I was doing something wrong.
  2. If baby is inconsolable, add water and/or fresh air. An outdoor bath can cure almost every ailment. I still do this with my 2 and 3.5 year olds.
  3. Electric nasal aspirator (vacuum snot sucker). You won’t need it until 3am, and you’ll be so thankful to have it on hand. Works for noses and throats.
 
@madscribbler Some of the aspirators have a tip that is for helping newborns clear mucous out of the back of their mouth, not the throat exactly. Sometimes babies cough up some phlegm when they’re sick, and can’t figure out how to spit it out.
 
@madscribbler My number one piece of motherly advice to anyone I meet (provided they ask for it, lol) —

Identify your "in case of emergency, break glass" person.

Parenthood, especially the newborn days, will push you in ways you have not experienced before; this is true for everyone but especially for anyone who is dealing with a child who isn't sleeping and/or a postpartum mood disorder (anxiety, depression, psychosis). There were a handful of moments that first year where I said, I cannot take care of this child for one more minute because I am simply not okay and I cannot push through this right now. In those moments, I called my emergency contact — or my SO called on my behalf when he could sense I really needed help and he couldn't be there. Since you mentioned you don't have much family around, perhaps this is your best friend, partner's family, neighbor? Someone in your faith community, if you have one? If you have 2 or 3 people you can call if someone's not available, even better! Even if they can just swing by for 25 minutes on their way to work, that's 25 minutes you don't have to bounce a screaming child on a ball and thus 25 minutes you can use to power nap, eat, or shower. I genuinely think having that big red button can be life-saving.

So much love to you as you navigate motherhood without your mom. I lost my dad as a teen and becoming a parent has been so special and bittersweet
 
@madscribbler Mom of three littles here! Youngest is currently 5mo so I am in the thick of it lol.

1 - trust your mom gut and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m always paranoid that I’m wasting someone’s time, but you know your baby best. Don’t be afraid to be direct and if you are concerned about your baby, it’s never a waste of time.

Babies are people. You can’t force them to do anything. You can’t force them to eat, to sleep, etc. This is true throughout their lives.

If you breastfeed, it is really hard to make the baby stage (at minimum to 6 months) fair between you and a partner. My 5mo is EBF and will NOT take a bottle. It’s basically impossible for anyone else to take care of her. Realizing this has helped me not to be bitter at my husband’s worthless nipples.

2 - if you have a girl, but the clean diaper UNDER the baby before you take off the dirty diaper. Have wipe(s) already pulled out and ready. Bring doggy poop bags with you for dirty diapers, dirty clothes, etc.

Newborns cannot regulate their body temperature. I know I may sound boomer for this but they need to be wearing an extra layer than what you are wearing. Cold babies cry. I see so many newborns wearing just a shirt or onesie in the winter and they are cold!

3 - a diaper bag you can open with just one hand.
 
@madscribbler Hi OP! Wishing you all the best!

Ok. so first hardest earned advice: SLEEP. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Even if you are a morning person, even if you think you can run on a few hours of sleep, prioritize sleep if possible and whenever possible. Everything else can wait. Your mental health will thank you.

Most genius newborn hack: bibs are your friends.

Registry must have: Boppy Baby Carrier!

Hope this helps :)
 
@madscribbler
  1. The first year (especially the first 4-5 months) are their own unique experience and are not representative of parenthood more broadly. Your day-to-day life will look completely different by age 1 because so much changes (nap schedule, eating, mobility, etc.) I had a lot of "WTF is this my life now?!!? This sucks!!!!" moments at first, and I can confidently tell you the answer is no. It just gets better and better. It becomes 100x easier to leave the house with a kid and do fun things together. You will gain back more and more time for yourself. Your body and hormones will gradually go back to normal. You will feel like yourself again. I had an "easy" baby but still didn't love the newborn stage, and that's ok. I'm absolutely loving being a toddler mom.
Learn everything you can about wake windows and baby sleep/eating routines now.

Baby wearing is life; I don't know how parents survive without it.
  1. For diaper cream, buy the Aquaphor SPRAY. You can just spray their butt after a diaper change and it's super quick with no mess. Also, easiest way to get your baby to take a nap is to wear them in the baby carrier and then bounce on an exercise ball. Works 9/10 times.
  2. Baby Bjorn mesh baby carrier and Solly wraps. When my son was a newborn, I used the wraps and my husband used the carrier, and then we both started using the carrier as he got heavier. Also, a subscription to Lovevery (Montessori toys for your kid's specific age) is an amazing gift.
 
@madscribbler
  1. You gain a new identity as soon as you give birth (or even before). Give yourself the grace in growing into your role as a mother, and try to let go of any guilt and expectations you had of yourself mother and work-wise, because the first six months will be so physically and mentally exhausting already- Breastfeeding alone takes up 25% of your body’s energy.
Find at least one moment of self-care in the day that makes you feel whole again. A walk outdoors with the baby, a fresh cup of coffee, yoga stretches, moisturizing, wearing something to feel put together, a long hot shower. Wireless earphones for music or podcasts when you are nap-trapped or want some adult conversation
  1. Baby massage routines can help with gas pain or sinus relief. White noise is comforting to babies; if not a machine, use an old phone to play an 8 hour white noise track from Spotify continuously
  2. Invest in a good bouncer, which other than the carrier, will be the other place you might put the baby during wake times up to 6 months. I liked Baby bjorn
 
@madscribbler Prioritize caring for yourself like you would a second baby in your care. That means if baby is crying it’s ok to take a deep breath and finish rinsing the shampoo out of your hair before you respond. If baby is hungry, it’s ok to pee before you feed him, etc.
 
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