How did your second child change your family dynamics? Trying to decide…

[rainysunflower]

@katrina2017 Also, how would you compare the demeanour / personality of your 1 vs 2 kiddos? Was there a big difference and lots of surprises, or variation on a theme? I know my situation could be one or the other so it’s mostly just out of curiosity that I ask

 

[stuart1717]

@rainysunflower I had the hard kid first, had two solid years of PPD after each kid, and absolutely 100% regretted having a second for two solid years after having him. It didn't help that he was born six weeks before Covid hit.

Currently they're 6 & 3 and life is only just recently starting to feel liveable. Not fun, not manageable exactly, but I'm also not severely depressed even though I have plenty of days of complete overwhelm. It has not been good for my mental health though, and has been a huge marital strain (we've been in therapy for nearing two years and that's helped). Tranquil is not a word I would ever use to describe our house, lol.

So yeah, I would just say it is a LOT and even my parent friends who like having kids more than I do all said the first year of 1-2 was hellish.

That said, my second kid was easier than my first, which helped. I do know a lot of people who've had the opposite experience (easy first who tricks them into having a second, so they have a more typical baby but are floored by how 'hard' it is).

 

[santaclaws]

@rainysunflower 2nd of 3 kids reporting in here.

A big reason I'm leaning toward a 2nd is: My older sister is a pretty sucky sister and daughter overall. A bigger reason than it should be I'm leaning toward a 2nd is in case my 1st turns out like my older sister, we still have the back-up of how great me and my little brother are. Awful I know, but it weighs in my thoughts.

 

[thestudentlinda]

@santaclaws But what if the 2nd child turns out to be the "bad egg" and the 1st one is awesome??

 

[santaclaws]

@thestudentlinda I think about that too. That's why I'm on this sub. Or two bad eggs. Or two good eggs?!?!

 

[thestudentlinda]

@santaclaws I understand. 2 good eggs are definitely possible! No one can predict what cards we'll be dealt in life, but I think you should only have that 2nd kid if you think you'll be able to love and mentally and physically handle them being a bad egg.

 

[rainysunflower]

@santaclaws That’s very funny and I think it sits in the back of everyone’s mind quietly or loudly depending on life experience!

 

[melodymeli]

@santaclaws Oh this is exactly my family dynamic with my older sister I just have my son at the moment and I keep thinking what if he is a bad egg like my sister?! Maybe I should have a back up second child

 

[maomorethanever]

@santaclaws I literally think similar to this only like what if my daughter is a jerk growing up or like this is morbid but i think what if someone happens to her beyond my control to keep her safe then at least I’ll have a second shot at being happy cause i want kids around later in life and grandkids, etc. like all the things!! I think having two would increase my chances of having a great kid parent relationship god forbid something makes it bad. I found the first year so hard tho that i don’t think i can do 3 lol so two kids will have to do!

 

[cookiedough7177]

@rainysunflower Would you be ok with a second if they had health problems, etc? The older mom is, the higher the risk for congenital problems.

A lot of people don’t plan on having a child that’s high or special needs. But it happens.

Just food for thought.

 

[cookiedough7177]

@rainysunflower I’m not saying you’re not aware. I’m just commenting that if it would be a factor in you saying no/yes to another, it’s something to seriously consider. (Since this is shouldIhaveanother)

It’s one of my concerns at 35.

If it’s not something that’s a concern for you, then that’s fine too.

GL in whatever you choose!

 

[discombobulated1]

@cookiedough7177 My mom was 38 when she finally had me (my parents went through 5 years of infertility and fertility treatments prior to that; I’m their only; I had to do 3 IVFs starting at age 29 just to have my living child). But I mean parental age is not the only factor that affects potential and living biological descendants’ risk of having or developing disabilities, physical, mental, or behavioral/emotional. And age is also not the only factor that can cause fertility issues. It’s also the extremely high cost of living that continues to drive many adults to wait on having kids or space them out further. It’s a much different modern age than it was just a few generations ago.

 

[cookiedough7177]

@discombobulated1 I’m not saying age is bad. Or the only factor. Nor am I dogging on older parents.

My friend had a special needs child as her 3rd and says had she known, she might not have gone for a 3rd.

That’s all. In a world where everyone is hoping to make the right decisions and torn about changing up their current family dynamics, I just thought I would mention it.

Obviously many older women and couples have healthy babies every day.

 

[discombobulated1]

@cookiedough7177 For sure but any time someone has a child they’re rolling the dice. 1st or 15th. Age doesn’t tend to be the main determinant.

 

[discombobulated1]

@cookiedough7177 Wow

 

[cookiedough7177]

@discombobulated1 It’s a valid concern. I don’t think anyone should have more kids if they’re not ok with the risk. Don’t see what’s wrong with what I stated.