I don’t have a mom or a lot of family. Give me some motherly advice and tips about my first born
- Thread starter madscribbler
- Start date
@sonnyday They are very scarce. They are called wooden play pens or Dutch play pens (not Pennsylvania Dutch), and Germans have a similar thing called a Laufgitter. You might find them second hand from Dutch people who imported their own. This is what ours look like
@madscribbler Wait, so you have a 4 month old AND you’re expecting again in October? Or was the 4 month old hypothetical?
Either way, my only advice (besides following safe sleep rules, obviously) is to never use a high chair without a foot rest. Think about how every bar or higher seating, like at bars , has foot rests. It’s extremely uncomfortable for humans to sit with dangling legs for more than a few minutes. People will rave about the IKEA Antilop. Don’t do it (unless you buy the foot rest add on). It’s also a choking hazard to not have a foot rest although I’m not sure of the science behind it, something about core muscles engaging). Babies will hate meal time and parents don’t know why, meanwhile they’re desperately crossing their little legs trying to get some support. Ok, rant over, the end lol.
Either way, my only advice (besides following safe sleep rules, obviously) is to never use a high chair without a foot rest. Think about how every bar or higher seating, like at bars , has foot rests. It’s extremely uncomfortable for humans to sit with dangling legs for more than a few minutes. People will rave about the IKEA Antilop. Don’t do it (unless you buy the foot rest add on). It’s also a choking hazard to not have a foot rest although I’m not sure of the science behind it, something about core muscles engaging). Babies will hate meal time and parents don’t know why, meanwhile they’re desperately crossing their little legs trying to get some support. Ok, rant over, the end lol.
@madscribbler The good news is that all our moms were moms so long ago that a lot of their advice is either outdated or easily found online and you’ve already probably come across most of what our moms generations would tell you
For me, I heard “you can’t spoil a baby” so much over and over while pregnant that I jumped at every single one of babies cries within a millisecond of her crying. I stopped pushing things like the pacifier and the swing and napping in the bassinet, etc because baby would cry and I thought, OK, this means she needs me and all those people told me I can’t spoil her aka I need to be there for my kid more. No, I should have been more persistent with the pacifier . I was better about that with my second and he loves it and it’s amazing. I should have helped my first realize crib naps are not the devil. At some point, you may have to realize that you just have a contact napper if that’s what you get but I bet mine would have been ok with bassinet naps if I hadn’t picked her up after just one cry.
So I dunno, you can’t spoil a newborn but I feel like that phrase is more for the people who aren’t very responsible and will intentionally make things harder for baby so they can be mostly hands off. And it doesn’t mean to coddle every single thing for them. Part of our job is to teach them new and sometimes scary/uncomfortable things. This is not to be confused with sleep training though which I totally agree should wait to happen until 5-6+ months
For me, I heard “you can’t spoil a baby” so much over and over while pregnant that I jumped at every single one of babies cries within a millisecond of her crying. I stopped pushing things like the pacifier and the swing and napping in the bassinet, etc because baby would cry and I thought, OK, this means she needs me and all those people told me I can’t spoil her aka I need to be there for my kid more. No, I should have been more persistent with the pacifier . I was better about that with my second and he loves it and it’s amazing. I should have helped my first realize crib naps are not the devil. At some point, you may have to realize that you just have a contact napper if that’s what you get but I bet mine would have been ok with bassinet naps if I hadn’t picked her up after just one cry.
So I dunno, you can’t spoil a newborn but I feel like that phrase is more for the people who aren’t very responsible and will intentionally make things harder for baby so they can be mostly hands off. And it doesn’t mean to coddle every single thing for them. Part of our job is to teach them new and sometimes scary/uncomfortable things. This is not to be confused with sleep training though which I totally agree should wait to happen until 5-6+ months
@madscribbler Don't look up to me too much as I'm a FTM with a 9 week old, but I'm now advising every mom-to-be to have a pumping bra on hand if breastmilk is important to them. We were having an almost eerily textbook pregnancy when my water broke at 32w6d, which sent baby right to the NICU. Fortunately she just needed a bit of oxygen and feeding support, but it started me exclusively pumping from day one. Let me tell you what, holding flanges to my boobs for 20-30 minutes every three hours after being up for 36 hours straight was torture. Getting a hands-free pumping bra saved my sanity.
Also, I sincerely hope you don't end up in my situation, but if you end up needing to pump at all to help establish your milk supply, pump no more than every three hours (especially at first) for at least 30 minutes OR for a few minutes after the milk stops flowing (distinct from barely dripping). Nurses at the hospital may tell you to stop after 15 minutes or, worse yet, that you don't need to pump as much if you're making more than the (tiny) amount baby will eat in the first few days. Tune them out, they are wrong, and head to a sub like ExclusivelyPumping for better support!
Also, I sincerely hope you don't end up in my situation, but if you end up needing to pump at all to help establish your milk supply, pump no more than every three hours (especially at first) for at least 30 minutes OR for a few minutes after the milk stops flowing (distinct from barely dripping). Nurses at the hospital may tell you to stop after 15 minutes or, worse yet, that you don't need to pump as much if you're making more than the (tiny) amount baby will eat in the first few days. Tune them out, they are wrong, and head to a sub like ExclusivelyPumping for better support!
@madscribbler
- A lot of what I do doesn’t matter much. Just love baby and keep them happy.
- If you breastfeed, feed baby anytime they want. Just pause and feed. Then move on with your day.
- A comfy robe to lounge in with baby
- What to do with a 4 month old Velcro baby: cuddle them! Be their other piece of Velcro! It will feel long but really they’ll be crawling away from you before you know it.
- Take care of yourself. Ask for what you need
souljaslim1
New member
@madscribbler Have a spot to put baby down everywhere you hang out at.
We had the bedroom crib, office pack and play, living room pack and play, dining room swing, and bathroom rocking chair.
I tell her "it's hard being only 5 months old and hungry and having to wait" or "and being put in your car seat" or whatever it is she is fussing about. Because for her it's the worst thing ever. She is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.
We had the bedroom crib, office pack and play, living room pack and play, dining room swing, and bathroom rocking chair.
I tell her "it's hard being only 5 months old and hungry and having to wait" or "and being put in your car seat" or whatever it is she is fussing about. Because for her it's the worst thing ever. She is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.
madscribbler
New member
@souljaslim1 good thoughts
christfollower1993
New member
@madscribbler Congratulations! I am almost 15 months in to becoming a mom and I am the first in the family to have a baby for decades so I felt like a lot of the advice I got from family was outdated or unhelpful. I relied a lot on advice from the internet and it contributed to some pretty severe PPA for the first 6 months and it was rough.
- 1a) You are the best mom for your baby. You might get the feeling that you are not good enough or trying hard, but you are enough and you are exactly who your baby needs.
- 1b) In the same vein, trust your instincts. All babies are different and something that works for someone else and their baby may not work at all for you and that's normal. I would get so confused and frustrated when things for me were different than what I read in books or saw online or heard from someone. Everything became easier when I trusted my instincts more.
- 1c) Every stage is temporary. It doesn't feel like it when it's the middle of the night and you are days or weeks or months into sleep deprivation or fussy periods or any really hard time. It feels so lonely and like it goes on forever. But it will pass and it almost always just needs time, not any magic fix. Time also can fly by. It really helped me to imagine I had traveled back in time to hold my baby while they're tiny again. It helped me appreciate the small moments more.
- 1d) Everyone messes up. No one is perfect and every single parent makes mistakes. You will mess up. Give yourself grace when it happens. The important thing is to recognize and repair. Dr Becky Kennedy's book Good Inside talks about this a lot.
- 1e) You cannot spoil a baby. They don't need to be independent, they need you and that is okay. There is nothing you can do to spoil them or "create dependence" and you don't need to worry about that. Hold that baby! Love on that baby! Comfort that baby!
- 3a) Bumco Diaper Cream Spatula We didn't have this on the registry because I thought it was silly, but we got it a few weeks in and use it all the time.
- 3b) A soft, low light for bedtime We got the Vava egg-looking nightlight, but there are a bunch of options. Just something warm, and not harsh for diaper changes, etc.
- 3c) Noise machine We had a white noise machine for a while, now we use a brown noise machine. Helpful for baby and for you (newborn sleep can be noisy!)
- 3d) Ergobaby Embrace Carrier Or any carrier you like. I used the Moby wrap for the first 12 weeks or so, but then moved to the Ergobaby Embrace and used that for the next 6 months. My baby loved it and slept in it really well. We got both secondhand and used them a ton and plan on using them for the next baby.
madscribbler
New member
@christfollower1993 question, what was the benefit of brown noise and do you need to clean the spatula between uses?
missconfused
New member
@madscribbler My first and only is freshly 1 year old. A mantra that got me through early motherhood that I still lean on today; "We will figure this out together".
It can be easy to see your baby as a problem you need to fix, or feel like you're failing them by not doing everything 100% right the first time. Once I rejigged my mentality to understand that we are BOTH learning everything as we go, I felt more bonded to baby and less stressed. And we really do figure it all out, together
It can be easy to see your baby as a problem you need to fix, or feel like you're failing them by not doing everything 100% right the first time. Once I rejigged my mentality to understand that we are BOTH learning everything as we go, I felt more bonded to baby and less stressed. And we really do figure it all out, together
stevesteve
New member
@madscribbler
- No such thing as spoiling your baby. Hold them, nurture them, snuggle. Soak it up.
- “Taking Cara Babies” for sleep training was a life saver. Everyone tells you you’ll never sleep again - not true! And it helped keep our sanity and our relationship strong because the busyness of having a newborn was already tough. Without sleep would have been tougher.
- The Hatch - noise machine
- SlumberPod for when you travel
- Baby visor - for bath time - avoiding water getting on their face.
- Kyte Baby sleepsacks - different TOGs for different temperatures at night.
- Solid Starts. Look up all foods with the website “Solid Starts” - when you start introducing allergens and solid foods. They post all nutritional advice, how to cut it according to age for safe eating and minimizing choking hazards, etc. It is led by a team of pediatric nutritionists and doctors. Excellent resource
- Big Little Feelings - has a course on how to manage tantrums and meltdowns for toddlers when your baby gets to that age. Sometimes it helps to have experts guide you through best ways to handle those big emotions so you can stay zen while they start to experience and discover big emotions for the first time in their young lives.
When in doubt, air on the side of caution!
@madscribbler Newborn "hacks": Onesies are designed with the overlapping shoulder seams so that you can take them off by pulling them DOWN (instead of up over their heads). This is extremely useful because 1) babies generally hate having things go over their faces/heads, and 2) when they have a blowout diaper, you can pull the onesie down and minimize the spread of poop!
Also, the "Happy Song" by Imogen Heap is magical--guaranteed to help our baby calm down instantly, even now at 10 months.
And if you haven't already joined a local Buy Nothing group on FB, definitely look for one! I have gotten a ton of clothes, toys, etc. for free from mine.
Registry items: Sleapea swaddles (I found these much easier to get properly tight than other brands), Woolino sleep sacks (expensive but they last forever and are good in almost all temperatures, so you don't have to worry about TOGs; can often find them secondhand on FB or Poshmark), and the Fisher Price 4-in-1 baby bathtub (lasted us from birth through 9 months).
Congrats and good luck!
Also, the "Happy Song" by Imogen Heap is magical--guaranteed to help our baby calm down instantly, even now at 10 months.
And if you haven't already joined a local Buy Nothing group on FB, definitely look for one! I have gotten a ton of clothes, toys, etc. for free from mine.
Registry items: Sleapea swaddles (I found these much easier to get properly tight than other brands), Woolino sleep sacks (expensive but they last forever and are good in almost all temperatures, so you don't have to worry about TOGs; can often find them secondhand on FB or Poshmark), and the Fisher Price 4-in-1 baby bathtub (lasted us from birth through 9 months).
Congrats and good luck!
@madscribbler Hire a doula!! They can give you so much support in making your birth plan and will be there for you during labor. Many also provide postpartum support.
I say this assuming you have a partner: let them struggle a little bit. I think a lot of what people call “mother’s intuition” is just more opportunities to troubleshoot. Letting them problem solve for a moment makes them more confident and they’ll be able to do everything you can do (except breastfeeding, if you’re planning to do that)
There are also a lot of parenting styles and techniques out there, and we can often be made to feel like we have to choose one or the other (e.g. cloth vs disposable diapers, breastfeeding vs formula, etc). None of these are all or nothing. Pick and choose what works for you, your baby, and your sanity.
People will also ask you if the baby is sleeping through the night when it is hilariously way too early for that. Don’t take it personally and think your baby is defective. I’m convinced it’s just people making conversation and it’s a question they feel safe asking.
If you have Instagram, do a mass unfollow of accounts that make you anxious or feel like you need certain products to be a better parent. Better yet, delete the app for a while if you can.
My registry must have is a baby carrier. My favorite is the Solly wrap. They look trickier than they really are. I actually find it easier and quicker than my Ergobaby. Practice with a teddy bear or doll before baby comes.
I say this assuming you have a partner: let them struggle a little bit. I think a lot of what people call “mother’s intuition” is just more opportunities to troubleshoot. Letting them problem solve for a moment makes them more confident and they’ll be able to do everything you can do (except breastfeeding, if you’re planning to do that)
There are also a lot of parenting styles and techniques out there, and we can often be made to feel like we have to choose one or the other (e.g. cloth vs disposable diapers, breastfeeding vs formula, etc). None of these are all or nothing. Pick and choose what works for you, your baby, and your sanity.
People will also ask you if the baby is sleeping through the night when it is hilariously way too early for that. Don’t take it personally and think your baby is defective. I’m convinced it’s just people making conversation and it’s a question they feel safe asking.
If you have Instagram, do a mass unfollow of accounts that make you anxious or feel like you need certain products to be a better parent. Better yet, delete the app for a while if you can.
My registry must have is a baby carrier. My favorite is the Solly wrap. They look trickier than they really are. I actually find it easier and quicker than my Ergobaby. Practice with a teddy bear or doll before baby comes.
@madscribbler Hi! Mom of a two year old here
1. Newborns breastfeed 22hrs a day. Yogur baby is not broken, yout milk is not flawed. That is just how they are (boys especially)
2. Newborn hack? Learn Safe co-sleeping, some babies will sleep in their cribs. Others wont, no matter what you try. Safe co-slepping saves sanity
3. Hakaa pump for early days. A stretchy wrap, i find it lovely for newborns, it takes q couple of tries but it frees your hands while baby naps comfortably and close
1. Newborns breastfeed 22hrs a day. Yogur baby is not broken, yout milk is not flawed. That is just how they are (boys especially)
2. Newborn hack? Learn Safe co-sleeping, some babies will sleep in their cribs. Others wont, no matter what you try. Safe co-slepping saves sanity
3. Hakaa pump for early days. A stretchy wrap, i find it lovely for newborns, it takes q couple of tries but it frees your hands while baby naps comfortably and close
@madscribbler I know this might not be the best since I'm only an uncle but for something I'd like to share. Don't worry so much. As long as you take care of them and don't try killing them, they are very resilient. I got this advice from another father. As long as you don't give them a worried look when they fall they will probably just shrug it off (obviously if they are crying do something) my neace when she got me to babysit I was worried so much but I brought her son to a BBQ with some people I knew who had kids. He was having fun but I worried so much tell one of the dads grabbed me when I was about to run to the kid and we just watched what the child would do. My neaces son got up and started playing with the other kids.
lordisgood
New member
@madscribbler You really don’t need a ton of stuff for baby.
Cosleeping can be safe if you follow the Safe Sleep Seven. I fell for all the sleep training advice and was sleep deprived with my first. Cosleeping saved me with my second and third.
Get a wrap for the newborn stage then a Happy Baby Carrier. Take them everywhere.
It’s biologically normal for baby to want you and only you.
Cosleeping can be safe if you follow the Safe Sleep Seven. I fell for all the sleep training advice and was sleep deprived with my first. Cosleeping saved me with my second and third.
Get a wrap for the newborn stage then a Happy Baby Carrier. Take them everywhere.
It’s biologically normal for baby to want you and only you.
grafted_in
New member
@madscribbler
- If you don’t know what an ingredient is, don’t give it to your kid
- Same goes for skincare, use tallow instead of baby creams, they’re full of garbage
- Your gym and fitness routine will go out the window if you don’t work hard to maintain it, so break up your workout routine into small steps you can do throughout the day as kiddo naps
- Your relationship with your partner takes priority. A kid needs both parents, express when you need him or her to pick up the slack when you’re overwhelmed, and lend a hand when your partner is overwhelmed. Both parents will feel like they’re putting in 110% and it’s important to prioritize your romantic relationship. Kids are the downfall of many married couples because they put all their love into the kid and forget about each other