I don’t have a mom or a lot of family. Give me some motherly advice and tips about my first born

[muddleglum]

@madscribbler

• If you’re planning to breastfeed, get baby to the boob as much as you can. For the first day especially, baby will still have all of the nutrients from when he was still attached to the placenta. Keep trying to get baby to latch, and if you need help, ask if your hospital has a lactation consultant. If you want to breastfeed but have difficulties, latch baby for every feeding but pace feed with a newborn nipple every time without going up. Bottle preference is what my baby has and it’s been heartbreaking knowing I had the choice made for me. He will not breastfeed.
• If baby will not latch and you’re going to pump, you really should pump with every feeding or else you may have supply issues.
• the app Huckleberry is your bff for all things baby tracking, especially sleep when baby is 2 months old.
• newborn sleep sucks, but it sucks a whole lot more when your baby is showing signs of a food allergy and you don’t realize it (happened to us )
• Babies do cry, but if your baby is crying an obscene amount with no relief, it could be gas. Frida windis are your friend. Buy those in bulk!
• if you’re still not seeing relief, it’s possible baby has reflux (which is a sign of a food allergy).
• remember, this is all so very temporary. Enjoy those baby snuggles.
• baby wanting to contact nap is normal and to be expected. You likely won’t be able to really put baby down for much of anything.
• learn the safest way to bedshare. There will likely come a time when you’re desperate for sleep and baby will not sleep. You do not want to be in a position where you’re sleeping with baby in the least safest way possible. Safe sleep 7 is your friend.
• baby carriers are your Friend. If baby doesn’t like one, there are so many different kinds out there. I have the baby bjorn, wildbird, solly baby wrap, moby wrap, and a woven wrap. I use them multiple times a day, the woven wraps are my all time favorite but are the hardest to learn. But they’re absolutely beautiful. Structured carriers are the easiest to learn, but my baby does not like sleeping in them.
• baby will be slept in the beginning, likely sleeping upwards of 19 hours a day. Then they could randomly decide that they’re less sleepy. Baby will likely “wake up” around 3-4 weeks as their brains slowly boot up and become aware of things around them.
• milestones aren’t late until it’s x month + 30 days (so for instance, 4 month milestones aren’t late until 4 months and 30 days). Missing 1 milestone isn’t a big deal, but missing 2 or more in multiple categories is a bigger deal.
• try to find your bumper group on discord. It’s my best resource, so many second time parents to ask my endless questions to.
• try to follow and listen to your instincts.
• postpartum anxiety is a thing, but a little bit of anxiety is normal.
• don’t be surprised if your ob likely puts zero effort or thought into you after baby is born. It was a rough wake up for me.
• this is probably the one I struggle with the most… but having a baby was a hard wake up call with my husband. There was a very clear disconnect where I was doing 100% of baby care at all times and I was exhausted. My husband was so apprehensive to help me, it was exhausting. It almost lead to divorce until one day I had a heart to heart with him and now he’s so active and it’s so heartwarming to see him interacting with our son.
• relax. And remember that at the end of labor, you get to meet your baby that you’ve been waiting 9 months for.
• soak in so many baby cuddles. It goes by so quickly, my baby is only 4 months and I’m already crying over how big he is (and he’s just now out of the newborn stage!)
• you will likely call for everything. I did, and the doctors understand. Just call if you’re not sure.
• baby doesn’t have a voice, you are their voice. If you don’t speak up for baby, no one will. This gave me the power I needed to push for my baby when I thought he needed it. You are their whole world, be their voice.
• if baby keeps crying and nothing is working, throw baby in the carrier and go outside.
• don’t push yourself into bringing baby out and about if you don’t want to. My husband thought we needed to or else we would never leave the house, but I just panicked because baby ended up getting sick. Sick babies are so sad to see, but sick newborns are fucking scary to see
• it gets easier and a little bit more room to breathe after you get out of the newborn stage. It will go by in a blink, I promise. Try to relish in it. You will miss it.
• hold that baby. You cannot spoil a baby. I held my baby nearly 24/7 for the first few months, now he refuses to even nap on me. Babies cannot develop habits so early on and don’t until they’re much much older.
• If you plan to pump, you can get 2 pumps covered by insurance! One is the one you likely are getting spammed with to get for free from insurance, the other is a hospital grade pump rental covered. Sometimes even for free. If you do pump, do not get the wearables. They seem tempting, but they will likely hurt your supply.

 

[deavallsbabe]

@madscribbler

1. you will experience your highest highs and your lowest lows. you will meet the best of you and the worst of you. this goes for your partner as well. be quick to apologize and quick to forgive.
2. put the bouncer in your bathroom and take a shower when you need to.
3. a google assistant. playing music and nursery rhymes (super simple songs, ms rachel, etc) was a lifesaver when my baby was fussy and i couldn’t get to her.

 

[hedowns]

@madscribbler

1. Your baby is a fully actualized perfect human with valid opinions and preferences and needs from the moment they are born. They deserve the same respect you expect from any other human.
2. The baby can’t roll off the floor
3. Butt spatula. It’s not about avoiding the butt, it’s about avoiding the butt paste. That stuff is gross.

 

[starchysocks]

@madscribbler Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, pursue answers. Don't let anyone tell you something is normal, that babies "just cry," etc.

I don't know about hacks, but I don't think people use liniment oil+dry wipes enough. It's basically a lotion and it's so much better at getting sticky baby poop off their butts.

As soon as you figure something out, they change on you. Some days are easy, some days every minute is a struggle. Remember that it feels hard because it is hard, not because you're a bad mom.

 

[madscribbler]

@starchysocks going to look into this oil

 

[ashleedawn]

@madscribbler

1. If baby’s father is around, I strongly recommend getting him used to all the newborn duties possible right away. Many new fathers feel nervous around the baby, and the mom becomes the default parent for everything. I think this is especially common when breastfeeding because the father can’t feed and soothe the baby as easily. So teach him how to do everything that comes naturally to you, and learn the rest together. It will be worth it.

1.2 if you are a single parent, try to find a likeminded mother of a baby that is a little older than yours and lean on eachother for support! Having someone who has recently experienced what you are going through is huge, because as crazy as it sounds, people usually don’t really remember the infant phase too well once they’re out of it.

1. Okay this is kinda silly but Hellofresh always gives out these coupons for new members, and my most recent time postpartum I had the idea to sign up for it to get easy meals. you can immediately cancel after the first order so there’s no risk, and with the coupon I got like 5 meals for maybe $40, plus a free item. It was super worth it because I couldn’t afford takeout and nobody was bringing meals over. If you ask in the hellofresh sub I’m sure someone would give a coupon code because they send them with every box I think. It was a lifesaver!
2. Size 2 and up diapers are really helpful. Baby won’t likely wear Nb and size one for long, and diapers are really expensive. Additionally I’d say having a nice stroller is a great investment. My stroller kinda sucks and I wish I had gotten a better one. Everytime I hit a tiny bump in the sidewalk the baby is jostled and it drives me crazy.

Congratulations and good luck!! Parenthood is a profoundly beautiful yet difficult experience. Please go easy on yourself when things are tough, you can do this!

 

[farmerswife]

@madscribbler

1. Your baby will be different from other babies. What worked magically for your friends baby will not work for yours. Don't be afraid to try other things, and don't compare babies in terms of temperament, sleep needs, milestones, etc.
   

Also, you will get to know your baby. I read a ton of stuff like "you know your baby best!" but at the beginning, I felt like I didn't. But with time, you really do.

1. While breastfeeding, if your non-baby side is leaking milk everywhere during a letdown, hold a THICK burp cloth on your boob to catch it all. (I know there are haakas to do this, but I always ended up spilling that.) The ugly burp cloths that are like the old cloth diaper prefolds are best for this. And for spit up.
2. If breastfeeding, Lanolin cream. Don't get a ton of any brand of diaper because you don't know what will fit your baby best and if your baby will have a reaction to a certain brand.

 

[hiswayorhighway]

@madscribbler

1. Everyone who tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps is a jerk who forgets to mention that a lot of babies will only nap if they're on someone. If your baby will nap in furniture, GREAT but if they won't you aren't doing anything wrong.
2. Get the Fisher Price vibrating hedgehog soother. A lot of babies go through a phase around 5-8 weeks where their digestive system is being slow to come online and they have trouble pooping. Putting a vibrating toy on their tummy can help them get the poop out and stop screaming.
3. If you're having a boy, a washcloth is way too easy to wiggle out from under. Use a burp cloth to keep from getting peed on.
4. Get out of the house with the baby. Even if it's just a walk around the block, your mental health will thank you.

 

[lizzyhayes]

@madscribbler I too don’t have a mom/ much family so I feel you! It can be tough on you and your partners relationship without others around to help. Just remember you guys are both doing the best you can and try not to take frustrations out on each other - you’re a team

1. The hardest thing for me to learn was I don’t have control over everything. Breastfeeding was hard and I was down on myself for it and while trying different things can help there’s just somethings that won’t work out how you envision them. It saves a lot of stress by just accepting that, but of course easier said than done.
2. There wasn’t anything that made me feel like a genius during newborn stage lol. But I think the best you can do to get through it is trying to take care of yourself as much as possible. I wish I had done freezer meals ahead of time. Just anything before you have baby to make your future self have an easier time. Stock up on your favorite body wash, get cute pajamas you won’t feel as frumpy in, find hairstyles that can last you a while, get dainty jewelry that feels comfortable to leave on. Anything to feel more like yourself helps you be a better mom.
3. I can’t think of something that was a super must have, but I’ll say do the best you can with products. If you’re in this sub I’m guessing you care about toxins and materials and such and it can get very overwhelming (and expensive) holding yourself to a golden standard. So whatever you pick out just remember nothing will be 100% perfect. I let postpartum anxiety make me think no product was good enough and as they get older you realize, again with the control thing, there’s only so much you can do.

Congratulations!!

 

[madscribbler]

@lizzyhayes thank you so so much

 

[ashleebf]

@madscribbler

1. Acquaint your self and your partner with the range of symptoms associated with postpartum mood disorders. Talk about a plan of what to do if you are experiencing symptoms. (most helpful tip, have partner prioritize a way for you get sleep). If you have a history of mental health issues, establish care with a talk therapist during your pregnancy, even if your feeling fine and its just a couple visits. That way you have a relationship with a trained mental health provider whom you can reach out to if the need may arise. It can be devastatingly hard to reach out for help to complete strangers and then wait to be seen when you are in the worst throws of PPMD.
2. Newborns go through sleep cycles just like we do. when they wake up, observe them for a couple minutes to figure out if they are just waking between sleep cycles, or if they have other needs. (in other words, go pee and have a drink of water first)
3. Make sure you have a comfortable rocking chair, you will be spending countless hours in it. Add a prenatal massage to your baby shower list. You will thank yourself for this in the third trimester.

 

[howdie]

@madscribbler

1. You will drive yourself INSANE trying to fit your baby in a box or schedule that you read about online or in a book. Nobody knows what they’re doing, we are all just figuring this out as we go. So do what you can to learn ahead of time, but nothing will guide you better than your own instincts and building a relationship with your baby.
2. If my baby falls asleep in the car seat and is still asleep when I get home, I don’t risk the transfer out of the car seat into the crib. I just put the whole car seat into the crib so I can see him on the monitor.
3. The Haaka suction cup, the My Breast Friend Pillow and about 40 muslin burp cloths were the most useful for about the first month of life. The Haaka and burp cloths still get lots of use. The My Breast Friend is waaay more comfortable for breastfeeding than the Boppy IMO. I loooved that thing when my baby was little.

Best of luck and wishing you all the best!!!

 

[madscribbler]

@howdie thank you! how do you find the bumper groups?

 

[mh86]

@madscribbler

1. When you feel yourself getting frustrated, talk to your baby. Say what’s on your mind. I remember one particularly long night where I just looked at my son and said, I’m so sorry. I want to help you sleep so badly. I don’t know what to do right now and I wish I did. We’ll figure this out. Just sending that out into the universe took me from stress level 10 to like 7. It felt so nice to just SAY it. Then I just started talking to him like that all the time. Hey bud, I know you really don’t like diaper changes but we need to keep you bum clean. Hey Buddy, I hear you, let me finish peeing and I’ll be right there. Even though he couldn’t hear me much less understand me, just saying it helps. It also transfers nice to the toddler years. He understood way more than I expected way earlier than I expected. Sometimes he’ll wake up super angry so I’ll just talk to him through the monitor and say hey I hear ya, I’m going to go potty and I’ll be right in to get you.
2. My son inherited my super sniffer and he would wake up as soon as I left the room at night after putting him in his basinet. So one night I changed into my pajamas and left my shirt on the bed next to his basinet and he STAYED ASLEEP. Newborns have a crazy strong sense of smell.
3. Totally depends! You need less than you’d think.

You know more than you realize. Be brave and meet other new moms. There’s something really reassuring about going through this phase of life with someone who’s in your same shoes.

 

[lilybee]

@madscribbler

1. You’re the perfect mom for your baby.

 

[nateharr]

@madscribbler For newborns - a pair of noise cancelling headphones is awesome. There were times i was so overwhelmed by baby crying, and doing everything in my power to meet their needs, and I was just getting overstimulated by the sound. Putting the noise-cancelling headphones on allowed me to still hear my baby, but also be able to care for their needs calmly without my own blood pressure going up. Remember that we all get overwhelmed, and it's safer for baby to lay in a safe place for 10 minutes so you can chill out than to be held by a really agitated parent.

Look up when growth spurts and wonder weeks will most likely happen - as these both can cause a lot of fussiness, which can feel really discouraging if you don't know what's going on.

Go to postpartum physical therapy once you are cleared to, they can fix so many issues that women used to think they just had to "deal with" forever once having a kid. So many things are fixable with a knowledgeable physical therapist.

Babywearing is awesome, especially for newborns, but even later for older babies and toddlers, especially when they're sick or just feeling really needy. The Ergo 360 adjusted from newborn front carry to now we can still use it with my 3 year old on back carry. RIng slings are easy for slipping baby in and out a lot when nursing if you plan to do that.

If you plan to breastfeed - reach out to a local IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) in your area for advice if you feel unsure or encounter any problems , as they are the only professionals that are actually extensively trained in nursing. I got some really bad advice from doctors (including a pediatrician) and nurses (and later a daycare director) about nursing that would have made it a lot harder to nurse long-term if I had listened to them. I later found out, doctors, nurses, even pediatricians get NO training in nursing, breastfeeding research, etc.. IBCLCs are the only ones who get extensive training. Luckily I had experienced nursing friends to info. check with, but when I was worried about anything, my local IBCLC was a goldmine, she helped me through stuff that might have made me stop nursing if I had listened just to my doctor, and we were able to successfully nurse until age 2.5. Everyone who actually nurses nurses WAY more often than what is listed online, and that's totally normal. Also, nursing gets significantly easier every 2 weeks. It gets a LOT easier after 4 months when LO can hold their head up themselves.

 

[soulfirefly]

@madscribbler Especially in those first two to six weeks, take it as easy as you can. Regardless of how your birth went, if it was the easiest one known to women or ROUGH, vaginal or C-section, remember that you just went through A LOT! Let people take care of you. Cuddle that baby, drink lots of water, and give yourself some grace.
Day 3 you’re probably going to have some wild hormonal shifts as milk comes in. I was a weepy mess with both of my kids on day 3. By day 4 I was more or less back to normal.
Make sure before baby comes you’ve got lots of snacks and pads on hand. No one wants to be bleeding and run out of stuff at 3am!
You’ve probably heard this before, but there’s a lot of marketing around babies. They really don’t need as many things as they try and push on us. Now I’ll be the first to say that a baby swing was amazing those first few months for when I was in the shower but my anxiety wouldn’t let the baby out of my sight. I also absolutely adore baby wearing and probably have too many carriers for the number of kids I have. But there’s a theme to this. Get the gear that is going to make YOUR life easier. If the fancy monitor helps you leave the room for a minute, then go for it. If getting out is big for you, look at the quality strollers and carriers. Don’t be afraid to go second hand on a lot of this stuff too. (Just not car seats. They’re unsafe after a crash and you’re much better off getting a new one.)
Remember to breathe. You got this!

 

[ukuladypdx]

@madscribbler My advice based on what has helped me personally feel like a better parent to my toddler is to read / listen to great parenting books and podcasts.

I highly recommend:

• No Bad Kids, by Janet Lansbury
• How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, by Joanna Farber & Julie King
• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman

As for sleeping, I personally loved and strongly benefited by co-sleeping during my child’s first year. After that, it really was time to sleep train and wean from nightly nursing. This process took about two months and by 18 months she was an independent sleeper.

For nursing, I’m so glad I kept at it for days and days in spite of the huge pressure from my child’s father to stop and give her formula because she was hungry. It took almost 6 days for my milk to come in. My baby was in the 11th percentile for weight when we left the hospital and 86th percentile at her 3 month apt. So, no I didn’t starve her.. but those early days of nursing my seemingly empty breasts were necessary to establish my milk supply! The free course by Tiny Hood on breastfeeding really helped me prepare knowledge-wise. I didn’t have access to a lactation consultant at the hospital. And get a Haakaa silicone breast pump. It’s very useful. And lecithin (supplement) for times when your breasts get clogs. I took this consistently for the first 3 months.

Oh and a few days after you give birth you may get chills. Violent type of chills. It’s just hormones.

One thing I wish I’d read about are c-sections before giving birth. I assumed I’d have a vaginal birth so I was very unprepared for the pain and effects post-cesarian.

 

[sonnyday]

@madscribbler

1. It is so hard and I wish I would have asked for help more. I felt like I should be able to do it all myself, even though I was struggling mentally. Didn’t get help for my PPD and PPA until my daughter was almost 9 months old and looking back I feel like my memories of her as an infant are all kind of blurred. Please ask for help if you are overwhelmed. Prioritize sleep, food, and showers! ETA: my husband reminded me to add that baby doesn’t need to only have breast milk, if it’s not working and/or hard on your mental or physical health. I did everything I could to EBF my daughter for her first year and I wish I would’ve supplemented with formule sooner for my own sanity. I was forced to supplement when my supply decreased due to getting COVID and my baby tolerated it perfectly, was happy and healthy, and I realized that I really really needed a break!
2. Helping my daughter learn good sleep habits early has been one of the greatest things for her and for our family. “Sleep training” is super controversial for some reason because everyone immediately thinks you’re doing the cry it out method. Educate yourself on options for baby sleep and stick to a solid routine. You will thank yourself later, and so will your well rested child! Overtired children are cranky, emotional, and overwhelmed (and so are overtired adults!). Everything else is harder when we are tired. Learning to sleep well is a GOOD thing!
3. An extra bassinet for your main living area. Being able to lay baby down in a safe, contained space while you get stuff done (that’s not a baby “container”) was such a game changer for us. I didn’t have to worry about hindering my baby’s development by putting her in a swing or seat for extended periods of time, and didn’t have to hold or wear her constantly while trying to also care for myself.

A bottle and/or pump parts drying + storage solution that can easily travel with you if you go on a road trip! I read on a blog about using tiered mesh storage drawers for bottles instead of the typical baby brand plastic stuff that takes up lots of space, looks tacky, and is only used for a year or two. Bonuses are good air flow for drying, lots of good portable storage for bottles, nipples, pump parts, etc. and can be used for other stuff when baby is done with all things bottles/pumping! Here is the exact one we used:3-Tier Drawer Organizer from Brightroom™

 

[desaran]

@sonnyday On point 3: here in the Netherlands we have a “box” (play pen, but with a bottom and sides and only about a square meter surface) for that. It is a wooden structure specifically designed for babies to play in. Before they can roll we usually have the floor high up, so they have a barrier on each side, but we don’t worry about them climbing over it. When they start getting mobile, we lower the floor so they have their own safe play area without us having to worry about them falling or climbing out. My children loved theirs as it was their own area where nobody would intrude. And I could get the stuff done I needed to get done. And if I needed a place for my baby to nap I could make them comfortable there too with a sleeping bag.