I’m just f%cking tired

[pencil_on_paper]

::Edit:: Wow. I wrote this and then went to bed.. Thank you for all of the kind words and solidarity! We will continue to fight another day. You aren’t alone and I see you.

I was gonna write this really eloquent thing about 3rd wave feminism and being a working mom.

But I think I’ll just say this:
I’m really fucking tired of having to fight the patriarchy.

I’ve been told I wouldn’t want an executive level position someday because I might have a child.

I’ve been terminated from a job while pregnant. Sued and settled out of court.

I’ve been asked to take meeting notes and schedule appointments even in a senior leadership position because I’m “good at it” not because coincidentally I happen to be the only woman at the table. (if this happens to you please read Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office)

I have to ask my husband to read books about the mental load of women. Re: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

I have send my husband links to hundreds of articles about child development because even though I have a bachelors degree in education/child development, he refuses to believe anything without evidence. (If I had a penis, wouldn’t he just believe me?)

And heaven forbid he take 10 minutes of his hour long shits in the morning to lookup anything about baby led weaning, baby exercises to develop fine motor strength, or the 1,000 questions I’ve asked Google since the baby was born.

My husband was literally offended that the staff and doctor at my OBGYN didn’t speak to him directly during our prenatal visits. They only referred to me. I simply laughed and told him now he knows what it feels like to be a woman.

I have to weigh out the costs of outsourcing childcare. The hole it leaves in my heart juxtaposed the thrill I get from my job. (This is causing me a serious identity crisis. I just wanna work the bare minimum and have energy to play with my daughter. It makes me feel like I’m wasting all of the work I’ve put into my career and education. Capitalism?)

Meal planning and making fucking ribbon activities out of egg cartons. (Why am I even doing this? She just going to turn 4 and only want to eat chicken nuggets and orange jello- she tries to eat the fucking ribbons- not even actually playing)

6-12 weeks is not long enough for maternity leave- it’s not enough for healing, bonding, or adjusting. It’s a whole new person on the planet.

You spend more time preparing your taxes than you do receiving infant care instruction at the hospital.

Any other major surgery/medical event you receive physical therapy post op, except child birth.

Hurry up and get your MBA or whatever 6,000 other certifications you can come up with to prove you are qualified just so they can give the job to some kid 10 years younger than you, with 2 years of experience because he’s the boss’s nephew.

I’m tired of day dreaming about side hustles and the body I’d have if I had energy to “do it all”. Yes, no one is asking me to do it all- but I kind of sometimes wish I could. Because isn’t that the dream we’ve been sold?

I’m just fucking tired.

Signed,
A working mom

 

[peter1000]

@pencil_on_paper Yes! To it all. Especially the mental load of parenting, working, and managing the household (no one ever gives you credit for that!). Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to move up and take a higher leadership position (I am already in a leadership position). I want less responsibility, not more! But no one seems to get that or accept that. I already feel guilty enough when I have to take sick days or leave work "early" (aka not be the last to leave the building) to get my son. And something that drives me crazy-- there is the expectation that in leadership, your job is the priority job in your household. Guess what? It isn't. My husband is a pilot and he's not going to magically reappear from Timbuktu to pick up our son if he's sick at daycare. And on another tangential point, are there any women who crap for an excessively long time, or is that just a man thing???

 

[sophrosynyte]

@pencil_on_paper Did I write this??? Are you me???
You’re not alone.

 

[juliajulia123]

@pencil_on_paper I love this post so much.

Please remember that even though you’re exhausted, having an identity crisis, worrying and researching constantly, working against the patriarchy, annoyed at your partner, etc… you’re an extraordinary mother. All of that proves how much you love your child, and I promise your child loves you too.

Ride the waves. There’s no such thing as perfect.

 

[butterscoth]

@pencil_on_paper I relate so hard to this. I actually just decided last week to give notice at my job and make some monetary adjustments so I can be a sahm. I’ll likely take a career hit which sucks because I’ve worked so dang hard for a decade but here we are.

 

[chrisdrama99]

@butterscoth I just did the same thing. It feels odd to take a step back form a career that a) I’m good at and b) I worked my ass off to climb the ladder for… but I know that I won’t regret it. They’re only our babies for a short time. And then they’re adults who get busy with their own lives. The cats in the cradle and all.

 

[butterscoth]

@chrisdrama99 Yes. This is exactly how I feel. It’s the right decision but it’s also a little gutting

 

[joy123]

@chrisdrama99 I did this in October and it has been a great decision for our family.

 

[mads]

@butterscoth I’m almost 8yrs in. I still work but only 18hrs a week so I can do all school pick up and drop off and taking to after school activities. I’m hanging on by my fingernails as a government exec after moving from academia to ‘get my life back’. I do not regret one second of lost work hours or income. In fact my only regret is that I went back to work too soon - I went back 10hrs a week when my daughter was 7months old which is not the norm here in Australia (12 months maternity leave is the norm and I wish I’d taken it as 7months is when things finally started getting easier with my baby!).

I’ve sacrificed probably half a million dollars in salary so far to work reduced hours and be here for my daughter but meh it’s only money we would have spent it on something even just paying mortgage off which would be awesome but I’ve had all this time to be there for her and as she gets older surprisingly she needs me MORE not less just in a different and wholly more intellectual and emotional manner. The early years are physically taxing but the older they get the emotional stuff is big and I’m so glad I’m here for it.

There will always be work but my only child will only have one childhood. I’m incredibly fortunate we can manage this way though, I do recognize that.

 

[butterscoth]

@mads I’m in Canada where we get 12-18 months and also went back earlier out of pressure. I think this is maybe why I’m done

 

[ucdresearch]

@pencil_on_paper No lies here. Last year I had my first child. I have had a successful career and recently got an MBA from a top program. I loved my job before I went on maternity leave, but when I came back they re-orged the department and threw me into a job I never would have applied for. I was miserable but I paid my nanny overtime and checked my email in the evenings to prove I could do just as much as a mother as I could before. 6 months later I was laid off.

I feel like I’ve failed other working mothers/caregivers by not succeeding in my career, but really we’re all just busting our asses in a system designed by men for men.

 

[veronm144]

@ucdresearch That sounds lawsuit worthy. Also, I'm sorry. I had anxiety just reading this - my company re-orged while I've been out and I'm terrified of my return, too. I hope you rebounded and can find an org that appreciates you.

 

[pencil_on_paper]

@ucdresearch I’m so sorry this happened to you! You didn’t let anyone down- this system was never meant for us. I read a quote the other day, that we’ve worked really hard to teach our daughters how to survive in a man’s world, but what about our sons? We are making strides, it’s just going to take time.

I agree with the other commenter- find a good employment attorney.

 

[rosalyn]

@pencil_on_paper I hear you on pretty much every point, OP.

Also, come join us at r/workingmoms. There are a lot of us out there.

 

[oxid]

@rosalyn I wish we didn’t have to live in a society where working moms was a thing. Do we say working dads? Sigh. But here I am… calling myself a working mom.

 

[pencil_on_paper]

@rosalyn Joined! Thank you!

 

[crafty]

@pencil_on_paper My husband is one of the rare men who actually do 50% (sometimes more) of the work around the house and childcare. He’s exhausted and asked his senior (experience, not age) colleague how they do it. This guy said “it depends on the wife you have and how much she’s WILLING to take on”. He then went on to explain that he signs up for as many conferences and opportunities to travel as much as he can so that he “can catch a break” and suggested to my husband that he do the same. My husband told me this and it just didn’t phase me because I always knew men couldn’t be that stupid to not notice.

I don’t have any doubt that men know exactly what they’re doing and are aware of how much women/moms are struggling and drowning. They just simply don’t care.

 

[danviking03]

@pencil_on_paper I am in survival mode honestly. I’m a single mom doing it all on my own. I got pulled over for a suspected DUI last night because I kept swerving in and out the lane. But I wasn’t drunk. I was just extremely sleep deprived.

I have a male coworker, I asked him: when did your baby start sleeping through the night?

He literally said he didn’t know, because he never got up at night with the baby and convinced his wife to EBF just so that he didn’t have to. What the fuck?

I was honestly mind blown at that. I cannot believe how many men there are that straight up do not help with their kids. It makes me never want to have another.

 

[yannai]

@pencil_on_paper I want to start a mom punk band because I feel like we have this untapped font of rage that would be well served in this genre of “fuck the man” style music.

The first single will just be clashing guitars/drums/noisecore with me scream-singing “GO! THE FUCK! TO SLEEEEP”

Some day when I have time I’ll write the more in-depth social commentary songs about insufficient post-natal care, working title “I’m supposed to live like this for 6 fucking weeks??”

 

[ebong13]

@yannai How many words did you speak today? How much vocab did you use at play? Did you nar-ra-RATE in every fucking way? When you changed diaper 14, what did you say?