My husband called me a f*cking b*tch in front of our 2 year old and won’t apologize
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arkofthecovenant
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@doots Ugh I’m sorry. This exchange sucks. If you want advice, mine (based on experience with a traumatized (and constantly recovering in various forms) alcoholic who tests the limits of cruel outlashes at his worst and benefits from medication & regular therapy) is full ice 
If text messages & calm communication don’t work, I don’t engage him except for bare minimum until he apologizes. Or he pretends nothing happened and then suffers through my mom lecture. It is FAR more often an apology and an acknowledgement of an error right away, or honestly, he probably knows he would risk losing me. I can count on half a hand the times he’s doubled down 
And the time we’ve been together he’s improved. He cycles. He has to have help. We struggle the most when he’s on a “I can do this for a while” point in time, but we’ve been through some tough ass trauma together and we help each other. We have made a few “re-commitments” at various junctures of errors, mine included.
(In case someone else reads my comment history out of context, this dude is dope in many ways. He is our default parent in soooo many ways, and provides a safety net to our household I can’t. I’m the ambitious career driven one with BDE and anxiety, and probs ocd
also in therapy!)
You have to choose what kind of long haul you’re in for. Parenting a two year old is tough on everyone. Hang in there. It gets easier. What kind of lows do you want to handle and tolerate and try to work through? Only you can make that choice. It helps to have a few friends who have mentally ill husbands (who try! Who make real efforts to improve!) and support each other through some low points. Hopefully your lows decrease over time. Or you decide otherwise. I wish you peace
If text messages & calm communication don’t work, I don’t engage him except for bare minimum until he apologizes. Or he pretends nothing happened and then suffers through my mom lecture. It is FAR more often an apology and an acknowledgement of an error right away, or honestly, he probably knows he would risk losing me. I can count on half a hand the times he’s doubled down And the time we’ve been together he’s improved. He cycles. He has to have help. We struggle the most when he’s on a “I can do this for a while” point in time, but we’ve been through some tough ass trauma together and we help each other. We have made a few “re-commitments” at various junctures of errors, mine included.
(In case someone else reads my comment history out of context, this dude is dope in many ways. He is our default parent in soooo many ways, and provides a safety net to our household I can’t. I’m the ambitious career driven one with BDE and anxiety, and probs ocd
also in therapy!)You have to choose what kind of long haul you’re in for. Parenting a two year old is tough on everyone. Hang in there. It gets easier. What kind of lows do you want to handle and tolerate and try to work through? Only you can make that choice. It helps to have a few friends who have mentally ill husbands (who try! Who make real efforts to improve!) and support each other through some low points. Hopefully your lows decrease over time. Or you decide otherwise. I wish you peace
@arkofthecovenant Can I be your friend? Dealing with this and an outlast at the moment and having a very hard time focusing on the positives right now, even though I know his positive far outweigh his negatives 95% of the time. I came to this thread because he called me a bitch in front of my 2 yo son and I’m so hurt and angry. I kicked him out of the house for the night, which he fortunately did not fight me on. No apology or word yet but I’m hoping it’s coming tomorrow. He has always apologized in the past. But he’s never stopped as low as to have this level of outburst in front of our children. He is just getting somewhat better from being sick (I think Covid if I had to guess) and took something I said way out of context, didn’t believe me when I told him I absolutely did not mean it the way he took it, and then screamed at me, broke a dog gate, and called me a bitch, at which point I snapped and told him very calmly to go and not to come home tonight. My super smart 2 year old spent the next 30 min recounting what happened to my absolute hotel and I feel super lost right now. I’m angry but I’m also super numb and slightly sick to my stomach. I also find it super unfair that he got to go off and be alone with him thoughts to blow off steam however that looked and I had to continue as if nothing happened and get my 2yo to bed while trying not to wake up the 4 month old. Ugh. He was such a flaming asshole tonight.
ruanwenxian
New member
@doots i just read the text exchange and...it's like reading an adult communicating with a teenager. i would never talk to my spouse like that, and vice versa. we don't name-call, period. have we been angry, yelling, etc.? yeah, but never once have we called each other this, and i would never dream of doing it so casually.
i'm hesitant to even say it's it's one thing if he said it once because honestly i don't find the circumstances justifiable for him doing it at all, but the fact that he continued on via text and keeps basically name-calling you with zero remorse...an apology would mean nothing to me at this point. he meant it & doesn't seem to have any sort of guilt whatsoever.
i'm hesitant to even say it's it's one thing if he said it once because honestly i don't find the circumstances justifiable for him doing it at all, but the fact that he continued on via text and keeps basically name-calling you with zero remorse...an apology would mean nothing to me at this point. he meant it & doesn't seem to have any sort of guilt whatsoever.
@ruanwenxian Agreed! From his texts he 100% believes he has the right to verbally lash out at her anytime he doesn't like how things are going because she should know better. At this point to me, any apology would be a "I am sick of this conversation about how I am wrong and want you to shut up and go away until next time I need you to adult for me and wait on me" vs "I am sorry for this incredibly inexcusable lack of respect and I will do better".
fellowbrother14
New member
@kevt I concur. I usually sing (sometimes rap very badly) the blues in a comical fashion with stuff life this. Often people are peeved off about the situation, not the people involved. Did it all the time when I was on no sleep as a night worker, one week my kiddo's school was cancelled all week. Didn't help he kept yelling at me to wake up every time I shut my eyes.
OP's "husband" does not get to get a free pass for lashing out, period. I doubt she got him sick, and per the post she wasn't harsh with waking him for her very reasonable request to keep watch over their child. This guy can eat it.
OP's "husband" does not get to get a free pass for lashing out, period. I doubt she got him sick, and per the post she wasn't harsh with waking him for her very reasonable request to keep watch over their child. This guy can eat it. @doots He's... really fucked up. He didn't want to be bothered in that moment. Sure, ok. Instead of saying that or 999 other versions of that, he cursed you. And in hindsight he still thinks it's justified. He was supposed to verbalize his needs, but he abused you instead and he stands by that choice. A complete buffoon. Worse, though, because of the meanness and the urge to extend this conflict.
And now what the fuck are you supposed to do cohabiting with Pouty McPissypants while he stews until... what? He one day goes back to normal and this is never addressed, I'm sure, until nastiness rears up again. I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress of wanting to stick up for yourself and maybe not knowing how hard it's wise to push.
And now what the fuck are you supposed to do cohabiting with Pouty McPissypants while he stews until... what? He one day goes back to normal and this is never addressed, I'm sure, until nastiness rears up again. I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress of wanting to stick up for yourself and maybe not knowing how hard it's wise to push.
nachwaal3ab
New member
@doots This is a transactional relationship - when you don’t act like his mom he treats you like garbage. Do you want your child to have respect for you? It looks like modeling having respect for yourself. You set boundaries, but a better boundary would be not engaging with a man that is clearly an aggressive toddler. This is bad now, what about in 10 - 20 years when someone gets cancer??? If you ignore the whispers you will be forced to listen to the screams… this man is not capable of communicating his emotions effectively let alone of loving a woman and being a a supportive partner - run. I know Reddit always says to run and leave them but it truly says something when a man is so comfy to treat you this way over text.
@doots I read the texts. This is very clear verbal abuse. He believes you deserve to be abused on occasions like this, when in reality no one deserves to be abused ever. It shows a huge flaw in his mentality which cannot be talked through.
My husband has never called me names or cussed at me in the 18 years we've been together. I'm a SAHM and our house can be messy at times because organization is my weak point and 3 of the 5 of us have ADHD. I ask my husband to watch the kids for a while in the evenings all the time and he's never gotten mad about that. He's not mad at me that I don't bring in any money. He's not mean when sick either. None of what your husband is doing is remotely normal or OK. It's hard to see how abusive a relationship is when in it, but most men are not like your husband.
The book, Why Does He Do That? would be good to read because your husband checks off so many boxes from his texts and behavior. The free pdf download link is available here:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...wQFnoECCgQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
My husband has never called me names or cussed at me in the 18 years we've been together. I'm a SAHM and our house can be messy at times because organization is my weak point and 3 of the 5 of us have ADHD. I ask my husband to watch the kids for a while in the evenings all the time and he's never gotten mad about that. He's not mad at me that I don't bring in any money. He's not mean when sick either. None of what your husband is doing is remotely normal or OK. It's hard to see how abusive a relationship is when in it, but most men are not like your husband.
The book, Why Does He Do That? would be good to read because your husband checks off so many boxes from his texts and behavior. The free pdf download link is available here:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...wQFnoECCgQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
fellowbrother14
New member
annointedgirl77
New member
@annointedgirl77 Ya he goes on a business trip every 3 months for 4 nights or so, I don’t have those trips so he’s never had a night alone with the kid.
riskyboots
New member
Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate being supported by my internet friends much more than my husband at this moment.
I have a miserable update!!! I tried to talk to him about it and he did not take any accountability for what he said. Double (triple?) downed on his weird insistence that if he’s in bed all day, THAT is the communication that he cannot be disturbed. Tell me how literally disappearing counts as communication.
Like dealing with a toddler, I tried to model the behaviour I wanted to see, so I “took accountability” for my role, saying it was a mistake to disrupt him and I apologize etc. he almost got to an apology for the words, but every time there was a big BUT right after and justifying that apparently my behaviour made him do that. I told him he’s clearly not seeing how this is a huge issue, so go take some time to really think about what happened and I won’t be available to him until there is some sincere understanding that what he said was wrong and a huge issue. So, that’s where we are, it’s so jarring to have to use literal toddler negotiation tactics and still have a grown man not register that his behaviour is like, evil.
I have a miserable update!!! I tried to talk to him about it and he did not take any accountability for what he said. Double (triple?) downed on his weird insistence that if he’s in bed all day, THAT is the communication that he cannot be disturbed. Tell me how literally disappearing counts as communication.
Like dealing with a toddler, I tried to model the behaviour I wanted to see, so I “took accountability” for my role, saying it was a mistake to disrupt him and I apologize etc. he almost got to an apology for the words, but every time there was a big BUT right after and justifying that apparently my behaviour made him do that. I told him he’s clearly not seeing how this is a huge issue, so go take some time to really think about what happened and I won’t be available to him until there is some sincere understanding that what he said was wrong and a huge issue. So, that’s where we are, it’s so jarring to have to use literal toddler negotiation tactics and still have a grown man not register that his behaviour is like, evil.
@doots No accountability. He thinks he did the right thing, and he will do it again. And again. You waited on him hand and foot all weekend. In return, he called you a fucking bitch, you apologized for it, and he continues to believe that he got a much-deserved apology from you.
This isn't about him not being able to see how he's in the wrong. It's about him believing he is entitled to someone waiting on him and being his servant, and about him being entitled to abuse this person whenever they "disturb" him.
This isn't about him not being able to see how he's in the wrong. It's about him believing he is entitled to someone waiting on him and being his servant, and about him being entitled to abuse this person whenever they "disturb" him.
