They are 3 and 6 and I don’t know what more to do. I currently have a restraining order in place and also full custody but he was granted visitation of every other weekend. The restraining order means absolutely nothing to him and he is constantly violating it and I have called the cops everytime and nothing has been done. He continuously harrasses me, blows up my phone calls me every name u can think of and is now trying to get me kicked out of my new apartment. He found out who the landlord is and uses that over my head m which he has already done so. Besides all that my main concern is my children who I feel he is emotionally abusing. He is always making them uncomfortable and telling them things like mommy is calling the cops on daddy again and trying to put him in jail. He tells them mommy is a whore and all kinds of lies just to get them to turn on me and see me as a monster. I can see the look on my oldest face and he is extremely uncomfortable and nervous. I’m terrified they are gonna be ruined and there childhood is gonna be filled with trauma. When they are in my care I give them a tremendous amount of love and build them up and try and make their life seem as normal as possible. I don’t know what more I can do for my children. I feel hopeless.
I’m at my breaking point dealing with a narcissistic ex who I have 2 children with. How can I protect my kids
- Thread starter slvceli
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@slvceli Sounds exactly like what I dealt with. Nobody would do anything about it. Even my attorney said “usually men calm down when they get into a new relationship” (he was in a new relationship) and wouldn’t/couldn’t do anything. You can keep filing for contempt of the order, but that’s it. Unfortunately the family court system is just a huge joke and an even bigger waste of time and money.
The worst part is that if you retaliate even once, you’ll be the bad guy and be punished, but you get zero benefit or recognition for being the bigger person or being agreeable.
Here is one thing I wish I had done differently: a police officer told me that I was within my rights to only communicate with him through email, but he wouldn’t give me an email address so I kept tolerating the phone calls and entertaining conversations that were framed to be about the children but quickly turned into him berating me and me trying to defend myself.
What I should have done is give him my email address, said “this is the only way you may contact me from now on” and blocked or muted his number. The sooner you stop letting it affect you, the sooner it will not be fun for him. And trust me I know that this is easier said than done, takes a long time, and is straight up unfair.
The worst part is that if you retaliate even once, you’ll be the bad guy and be punished, but you get zero benefit or recognition for being the bigger person or being agreeable.
Here is one thing I wish I had done differently: a police officer told me that I was within my rights to only communicate with him through email, but he wouldn’t give me an email address so I kept tolerating the phone calls and entertaining conversations that were framed to be about the children but quickly turned into him berating me and me trying to defend myself.
What I should have done is give him my email address, said “this is the only way you may contact me from now on” and blocked or muted his number. The sooner you stop letting it affect you, the sooner it will not be fun for him. And trust me I know that this is easier said than done, takes a long time, and is straight up unfair.
@fishunt83 Thank you for that! I have been advised that before as well to only communicate with him through email. I can take all the abuse, he wishes death on me everyday, hopes I get into a car accident and so on, the name calling , I can take it and wish it was only done to me but when it gets done to the kids and he starts telling them stuff is what I have a hard time not letting affect me. And he knows that. If the kids were left out of this mess it would be a heck of a lot easier to manage. It’s very sad and idk how I can continue living this kind of life , I don’t see any end in sight. No light at the end of the tunnel. It’s depressing.
@slvceli It’s really hard, and I hope one day the family court system realizes that sometimes kids are NOT better off with both parents being involved. It really is devastating to see your children’s innocence be ripped from them by one of the only two people that are meant to protect them at all costs. I hope things calm down for you soon!
vannitheng
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@slvceli The unfortunate truth is that he is destroying their childhood, and you can’t control his actions. You need to get yourself and your children in therapy, communicate with him only through emails or a coparent app, and talk to an attorney about the restraining order violations.
It’s okay, as long as you keep your side of the street clean, the kids will eventually grow up and see who the problem was. But yes, it’s sad because they won’t get their childhood back.
It’s okay, as long as you keep your side of the street clean, the kids will eventually grow up and see who the problem was. But yes, it’s sad because they won’t get their childhood back.
halterfr33
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rosethepoet
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@slvceli I think you have good advice on how to handle your ex and the limitations there is with that. For your kids, I would be pretty honest with them. Even the 3 year old. This is the world they need to manage.
I want to keep you out of the adult problems and conversations your dad and I have. But sometimes you see things or hear things you might have questions about. You can ask me anything and I won't ever be upset about your questions.
If I ever feel like a situation is unsafe for you or me, I call the police to help make it feel safe again. It is not my decision if anyone goes to jail. That is something the police decide - that is their job. My job is to keep you and me safe.
It is not your job to make me or your dad or any adult feel better. It's also not your job to share messages. We have a safe way we can communicate with each other when we both choose to. You are never responsible to give me messages or share things with your dad from me. But if anything ever makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me. It's my job to help you.
....I would also amp up talking to them about "tricky adults" which I think is better than "stranger danger". Tricky adults do things like ask kids to keep secrets from their parents, ask for help being cheered up when they are sad, etc. Google other guidance. This is helpful for preparing them to recognize manipulative adults whether they are strangers or teachers or parents.
I want to keep you out of the adult problems and conversations your dad and I have. But sometimes you see things or hear things you might have questions about. You can ask me anything and I won't ever be upset about your questions.
If I ever feel like a situation is unsafe for you or me, I call the police to help make it feel safe again. It is not my decision if anyone goes to jail. That is something the police decide - that is their job. My job is to keep you and me safe.
It is not your job to make me or your dad or any adult feel better. It's also not your job to share messages. We have a safe way we can communicate with each other when we both choose to. You are never responsible to give me messages or share things with your dad from me. But if anything ever makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me. It's my job to help you.
....I would also amp up talking to them about "tricky adults" which I think is better than "stranger danger". Tricky adults do things like ask kids to keep secrets from their parents, ask for help being cheered up when they are sad, etc. Google other guidance. This is helpful for preparing them to recognize manipulative adults whether they are strangers or teachers or parents.
abdlstruggler
New member
@rosethepoet I love everything about this!!!!!
I would also add 'its never your job to be on anyone's team. It doesn't make me happy to see you mad at dad, and even if it feels like you're making Dad happy by being on his team, it's not your job. Your job is to let both of us love on you, and not to worry about our feelings!
(In other words, do everything you can to assure them that they should love both of you, and hopefully that discourages any loyalty binds he may be putting them into, which is yet another form of abuse.)
I would also add 'its never your job to be on anyone's team. It doesn't make me happy to see you mad at dad, and even if it feels like you're making Dad happy by being on his team, it's not your job. Your job is to let both of us love on you, and not to worry about our feelings!
(In other words, do everything you can to assure them that they should love both of you, and hopefully that discourages any loyalty binds he may be putting them into, which is yet another form of abuse.)
@rosethepoet This is perfectly said!!!’ Thank you so much for this. Definitely helpful because I’m always at a loss at what to even say to the kids being there so small still. Thank you!
@napoliana How are your children now since it’s been going on so long ?
@napoliana That is absolutely horrible but I am glad he sees who the problem is. One of my biggest fears is him brain washing my boys and eventually them turning on me or believing his lies. So I’m glad that’s not your case and hope it isn’t mine either!
@slvceli Your kids will see it. mine son did. I tell him the truth and now that his older i show him the court papers of all the lies his dad comes up with. 4 more years of dealing with him and we are done. My son says he doesn't want to see him anyone when his 18. That's his decision now but so far he can't wait to be done with him too.
@napoliana That gives me hope 
thank you. And I’m so sorry as well you’ve had to go through this. It really is a living nightmare. It’s a different kind of hell. Idk what I did to deserve this life but NOBODY deserves this.
thank you. And I’m so sorry as well you’ve had to go through this. It really is a living nightmare. It’s a different kind of hell. Idk what I did to deserve this life but NOBODY deserves this.superbeaver
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epiphany777
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@napoliana That's crazy the court doesn't care what your teenager wants. I thought when kids got old enough, they could decide themselves.
@epiphany777 it is crazy, they should definitely change the age when a kid can choose if they want to stop going to a parents house. I even got a GAL involved and my son told her how he feels and she still didn't let him choose. All she did is charge me a $6,000 retainer.
epiphany777
New member
@napoliana Jesus.