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Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?
- Thread starter utay62
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@utay62 In addition to the great summary of points in your edited first post, you have to understand that all yelling is not bad yelling. I yelled at my kid for the first time when she reached for a hot stove. She SCREAMED. And it broke my heart. I scared her so much. And it took my wife to point it out, because I was too busy kicking myself, but… when she got scared she ran towards me. All yelling is not abusive yelling. Grabbing hold of a child to prevent them hurting themselves is not the same as yanking them around by the arms. I’m definitely not a spanker/hitter, but even couple VERY light taps I ever got from my 100% non-abusive Mom were rooted in getting my attention. They caused no pain, merely got my attention and redirected me as I tried to turn away.
I’m confident your successes will outshine your mistakes. But you for sure will make mistakes. And that’s totally ok too.
I’m confident your successes will outshine your mistakes. But you for sure will make mistakes. And that’s totally ok too.
@sunshine This!
We have been having an issue lately with our 2 year old during meals. He sits in a booster seat and sometimes uses his feet to push his chair back from the table (either because he is done eating or he is mad with what we made him). Wife and I have both told him in calm reassuring tones many times not to do that. We have tile in our kitchen, and sometimes the chair legs catch in the space between tiles, and we are afraid the chair will topple backwards ending in injury. We are always right by him but no guarantee we will catch him in time. Well, last week my wife was sitting next to him holding our baby, I was getting something from the fridge, and turned just in time to see him push back from the table. I sprinted and caught him just in time but shouted his name as I ran. It wasn't in an aggressive/angry tone, just loud enough to catch his attention, and it did.
I was so upset aftwrwards. Both at the thought of him toppling and getting hurt but also at myself because I felt like an a**hole. I immediately gave him a big hug, said I was sorry for shouting, and told him I was just scared. My wife reassured me I did the right thing, and as you said, not all yelling is bad. He hasn't done it since and my hope is my fear let him know it's dangerous.
We have been having an issue lately with our 2 year old during meals. He sits in a booster seat and sometimes uses his feet to push his chair back from the table (either because he is done eating or he is mad with what we made him). Wife and I have both told him in calm reassuring tones many times not to do that. We have tile in our kitchen, and sometimes the chair legs catch in the space between tiles, and we are afraid the chair will topple backwards ending in injury. We are always right by him but no guarantee we will catch him in time. Well, last week my wife was sitting next to him holding our baby, I was getting something from the fridge, and turned just in time to see him push back from the table. I sprinted and caught him just in time but shouted his name as I ran. It wasn't in an aggressive/angry tone, just loud enough to catch his attention, and it did.
I was so upset aftwrwards. Both at the thought of him toppling and getting hurt but also at myself because I felt like an a**hole. I immediately gave him a big hug, said I was sorry for shouting, and told him I was just scared. My wife reassured me I did the right thing, and as you said, not all yelling is bad. He hasn't done it since and my hope is my fear let him know it's dangerous.
@utay62 Look into PCIT. Can do wonders for increasing respect and building confidence going both ways but typically works better with slightly older kids (4+). Also in general just focus on praising the positive and reacting less to the negative so when he gets that sweet sweet attention it’s for things you want him to do. At the end of the day losing your temper is not the end of the world. Apologizing and “closing the loop” is what counts.
kangaroochick
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jennybelte
New member
@utay62 Mom and cycle breaker here. It feels challenging and difficult because it IS. Breaking intergenerational cycles of abuse is the hardest thing you can do. Kudos to you for addressing it and wanting to change it.
If you are open to it, Dr. Becky has an excellent parenting podcast. I highly recommend her for anyone who struggles with their own family of origin and the way they were raised. Here are a few that specifically address breaking the cycle of abuse:
Pendulum Parenting
Breaking Cycles and Doing Things Differently
If you are open to it, Dr. Becky has an excellent parenting podcast. I highly recommend her for anyone who struggles with their own family of origin and the way they were raised. Here are a few that specifically address breaking the cycle of abuse:
Pendulum Parenting
Breaking Cycles and Doing Things Differently
katiebeth2010
New member
@utay62 The relevant information stopped after you said your child is 2 years old.
Don’t expect your child to behave like an adult before he can wipe his own butt. If you could barely control your own emotions as a grown man in the situation, how do you expect a 2 year old with a very undeveloped brain and decision making to adhere perfectly to your expectation of social behavior?
Don’t expect your child to behave like an adult before he can wipe his own butt. If you could barely control your own emotions as a grown man in the situation, how do you expect a 2 year old with a very undeveloped brain and decision making to adhere perfectly to your expectation of social behavior?
@utay62 Train them like you would a dog and be a proper model of the behavior you want them to have.
Not saying bribe them. But if they have been good, acknowledge it and say " because you have been good let's go do this" "thank you for helping now we have some extra time to do X thing you like"
Similarly, you don't need to discipline, however, I am perfectly fine acknowledging to them we can't do something. "we can't go to the park you have been ignoring me all day and it's dangerous for you to go there when behaving this way" "I am sorry we had to leave gymnastics early but you were disrupting the class so you couldn't stay. if you do it again we won't be able to go back again" The side of this that is important is follow through. If you say "we can't get ice cream if you do X" and don't follow through the behavior you model is your words don't matter. So pick your battles and be very intentional with your words.
So to bring this all back together. You don't tell a dog "I will give you a treat if you sit" You give them a treat when they sit. and when they misbehave you don't hit them. you just stop the situation and prevent what they want.
Now as for yelling, I certainly have no problem raising my voice especially to prevent harm. However I always speak to them respectfully as soon as the tense situation has resolved, apologize for raising my voice and explain to them exactly why I did.
Not saying bribe them. But if they have been good, acknowledge it and say " because you have been good let's go do this" "thank you for helping now we have some extra time to do X thing you like"
Similarly, you don't need to discipline, however, I am perfectly fine acknowledging to them we can't do something. "we can't go to the park you have been ignoring me all day and it's dangerous for you to go there when behaving this way" "I am sorry we had to leave gymnastics early but you were disrupting the class so you couldn't stay. if you do it again we won't be able to go back again" The side of this that is important is follow through. If you say "we can't get ice cream if you do X" and don't follow through the behavior you model is your words don't matter. So pick your battles and be very intentional with your words.
So to bring this all back together. You don't tell a dog "I will give you a treat if you sit" You give them a treat when they sit. and when they misbehave you don't hit them. you just stop the situation and prevent what they want.
Now as for yelling, I certainly have no problem raising my voice especially to prevent harm. However I always speak to them respectfully as soon as the tense situation has resolved, apologize for raising my voice and explain to them exactly why I did.
@utay62 You're not alone! And it's exceptionally hard when their development prevents them from fully understanding... Like a 2 yr old lol
Start with outlining your personal boundaries and goals for what healthy discipline looks like. This sets a basic standard for you to pursue and also to indicate if you're pushing a line. This may go without saying, but this should be communicated with child's mother so you two can agree/compromise on different styles/forms within your two personalities.
Those become your ground rules.
For example (my list, after being raised in a highly abusive environment)
- clear communication is better, and preventative
- a child is not punished, they earn their consequences based on the communication
- never discipline when my emotions are out of balance
- corporal punishment is a last resort and only to be administered by hand (never an instrument/tool) AFTER calmly re-communicating with child about series of broken rules and escalating consequences that they earned
- etc
It requires self-discipline and clear communication with partner and child(ren), especially as they grow.
But it also requires self-awareness about your expectations for your kids and whether or not those are realistic for usual child development. A dance class for a two year old may be great! A two year old may not have the attention or even the desire to do such a thing so running around not paying attention is par for the course, right?
Start with outlining your personal boundaries and goals for what healthy discipline looks like. This sets a basic standard for you to pursue and also to indicate if you're pushing a line. This may go without saying, but this should be communicated with child's mother so you two can agree/compromise on different styles/forms within your two personalities.
Those become your ground rules.
For example (my list, after being raised in a highly abusive environment)
- clear communication is better, and preventative
- a child is not punished, they earn their consequences based on the communication
- never discipline when my emotions are out of balance
- corporal punishment is a last resort and only to be administered by hand (never an instrument/tool) AFTER calmly re-communicating with child about series of broken rules and escalating consequences that they earned
- etc
It requires self-discipline and clear communication with partner and child(ren), especially as they grow.
But it also requires self-awareness about your expectations for your kids and whether or not those are realistic for usual child development. A dance class for a two year old may be great! A two year old may not have the attention or even the desire to do such a thing so running around not paying attention is par for the course, right?
katrina2017
New member
@utay62 Just from a frame of mind when it comes to discipline - what is your goal and mindset for discipline?
Are you trying to discipline them because they aren't respecting your authority? Are you disciplining them because they did not meet the expectations you had for them? Are you feeling that you deserve control? Are you punishing them for these reasons? Or, is your end goal of discipline to shape them in a positive way? Is it something for their safety?
Ultimately, our goals as dads should be to shape our children into adults who can live productive and fulfilling lives. So, we should ask ourselves when disciplining a child how can we accomplish that goal? And, what is a realistic expectation? What is the purpose of the respect that we expect from them? Are we demanding it for our own ego or because it is important in some other aspect? We have to remember that our children are individuals and we are simply guiding them on their path.
So, when you are going to discipline your child try to think if your reason for disciplining them is your personal ego or if it's for their well-being. And, secondly, be aware that change and development takes time... they literally know nothing about this world. They're learning everything for the first time.
Good luck!
Are you trying to discipline them because they aren't respecting your authority? Are you disciplining them because they did not meet the expectations you had for them? Are you feeling that you deserve control? Are you punishing them for these reasons? Or, is your end goal of discipline to shape them in a positive way? Is it something for their safety?
Ultimately, our goals as dads should be to shape our children into adults who can live productive and fulfilling lives. So, we should ask ourselves when disciplining a child how can we accomplish that goal? And, what is a realistic expectation? What is the purpose of the respect that we expect from them? Are we demanding it for our own ego or because it is important in some other aspect? We have to remember that our children are individuals and we are simply guiding them on their path.
So, when you are going to discipline your child try to think if your reason for disciplining them is your personal ego or if it's for their well-being. And, secondly, be aware that change and development takes time... they literally know nothing about this world. They're learning everything for the first time.
Good luck!
@utay62 lots of talking, for the most part. I never considered how much time I would spend explaining morality to a sociopath.
1-2-3 magic for the little things.
habitual infractions are when I take her privileges away. screen time, eating anywhere but the table, access to her arts & crafts stuff, interacting with the cats, making her take baths when she'd rather be doing something else.
1-2-3 magic for the little things.
habitual infractions are when I take her privileges away. screen time, eating anywhere but the table, access to her arts & crafts stuff, interacting with the cats, making her take baths when she'd rather be doing something else.
@utay62 2 years old is a bit young for any kind of discipline. There are no lessons to be learned because of their undeveloped ability to form basic concepts and retain memory.
I would say this is actually a time for you to learn discipline with patience. It’s fucking hard, but breaking the wheel is all about managing your own emotions.
I would also say maybe gymnastics isn’t the right environment for your young one, but that also may not really be an appropriate suggestion for me to make. Good luck though.
I would say this is actually a time for you to learn discipline with patience. It’s fucking hard, but breaking the wheel is all about managing your own emotions.
I would also say maybe gymnastics isn’t the right environment for your young one, but that also may not really be an appropriate suggestion for me to make. Good luck though.
katrina2017
New member
@utay62 I can't offer much input. I went through the same thing as you, however, my son doesn't seem to need any discipline (he takes after my wife). So I kind of dodged a bullet.
But I think blowing up at a 2 year olds behaviour is entirely on you. He's 2. The dude isn't even capable of behaving in the way you want him to lol. At this age, you just need to talk to him + reinforce through repetition, and he'll be fine.
But I think blowing up at a 2 year olds behaviour is entirely on you. He's 2. The dude isn't even capable of behaving in the way you want him to lol. At this age, you just need to talk to him + reinforce through repetition, and he'll be fine.
addison101
New member
@utay62 Good advice here, especially considering the age of your kid I think you did well!
Another thing to ponder that I haven't seen here, and this is another thing you have to take age into account...let the teacher handle the discipline in the class. We started my kiddo at jujitsu a little after 3 years old. It was a little weird at first, but the teacher needs to be in control of the class. I'm there for support on the side if he gets hurt or overwhelmed, but the teacher is the one in charge during the class.
Again, that might be hard for a class of 2 year olds. But you could also have a chat with the teacher and ask how you should handle things in the future. No harm in that.
There is a vast amount of territory between being abusive and losing your temper. You are doing great.
Another thing to ponder that I haven't seen here, and this is another thing you have to take age into account...let the teacher handle the discipline in the class. We started my kiddo at jujitsu a little after 3 years old. It was a little weird at first, but the teacher needs to be in control of the class. I'm there for support on the side if he gets hurt or overwhelmed, but the teacher is the one in charge during the class.
Again, that might be hard for a class of 2 year olds. But you could also have a chat with the teacher and ask how you should handle things in the future. No harm in that.
There is a vast amount of territory between being abusive and losing your temper. You are doing great.
@utay62 I've listened to a few Unruffled podcast episodes from Janet Lansbury which I found very helpful! She also has some books and videos which I've wanted to check out, on "respectful parenting" and discipline without shame. I'm in the same boat, looking for resources that don't rely on spanking, yelling, shame, etc like I grew up with.
fierywater
New member
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