I’m at my breaking point dealing with a narcissistic ex who I have 2 children with. How can I protect my kids

[superbeaver]

@slvceli I have one child (m14) and I separated from his dad when he was 4. Got a custody order right away. Since the first custody order, I have journaled important things such as events/mishaps/injuries etc that occurred to my son anytime he was in his dad’s care. His dad was abusive to me. My fear was that he would brainwash my son also. The brainwashing started when my son was 6. I have journal entries of conversations I had with my son when he brought things to my attention that his dad was saying or accusing me of. I just had a pre-trial hearing about potential custody change. I have unfortunately lost the battle and my son has been completely brainwashed to hate me. In a few months we will be having a hearing. It’s hard but fight and keep fighting to keep your children from being brainwashed. My son knows how shitty his dad is and it’s heartbreaking for me that he’s being complicit with trying to please his dad and hate me. I wish you best of luck. Keep conversations minimal and don’t let him know any other business of yours. I wish I wouldn’t have been so nice and kind (it’s just my nature) to my ex because know I’m dealing with the fact my trust and kindness was abused.

 

[slvceli]

Let me add he wants to use the kids and put them in the middle to involve them cause he knows that will hurt me. I try and keep them out of adult problems and shield them from this but that is his main goal is the involve them.

 

[kate92]

@slvceli Your story is similar to mine. Sorry you are going through this. How old are your children? I have had three months of issuing court orders, but it does not, and there is no request to see kids either. It's all a game. I now know they are just a victim to his control and are there to use to control me. Heartbreaking. I'm trying to work out how to get him to give up custody… can't see how the courts can not see through what all of our friends and family cannot

 

[bluckii]

@slvceli I’m in the same situation right now and I’m so sorry. (Other than there is no restraining order and he hasn’t tried to come to the house - everything is much more covert). But he subtly twists the children and is telling them I am doing wrong by divorcing and does a lot of romanticizing of the past and what the future could be. It’s brutal, cause I want to say all the things he did that led me to leave and file, but I don’t want to stoop to his level and that’s not appropriate.

 

[kateee71]

@slvceli Why does he do that by Lundy buncraft is helping me so much. Listen via audiobook or local library he has a whole chapter of how to deal with these types of co parents. I'm not quite there where father has much control but I can imagine as the baby gets older it'll get even harder

 

[hewhogivesmestrength]

@slvceli There are loads of parenting apps you can communicate over, I use one called app close.
I’ve changed my number so him and his mum can’t abuse me any more and only communicate through that as messages can NOT be deleted, I also turned off phone calls so it’s messaging only.
My messages have all of a sudden turned very professional rather than all the usual nasty crap I get.
I would deffo give this a go and change your number or this will never stop.

 

[flute28]

@slvceli I am really sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like the father of my child. My daughter cries every time she has to go to his house. I have to talk to her and prepare her every time. I let her know that she’s allowed to enjoy herself there. But she says she can’t because of the things he says and does: favoritism toward his other children, manipulation, verbal abuse, etc. It hurts to see our children hurt. Sending hugs to you, mama.

 

[abdlstruggler]

@slvceli Seek out your local domestic violence non-profit. You may think 'he never hit me' but what he is doing right now is JUST as abusive. They should have court advocates who can help you navigate the court system as well as teach you how to advocate for yourself and your children. The police/court are absolutely failing you, and you do not have to allow that.

Do you have a custody order in place? (I'm assuming so, if visitation was granted.) I'd consider speaking to an attorney about the possibility of filing a motion to modify, and requesting a children's representative be involved. They are (meant to be) neutral third parties that can assess both parents behavior and speak for what needs to happen in the child's best interests.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

 

[spookydawg77]

@slvceli You don't need to protect your kids from this.

Psychologists say that as long as kids have one stable, loving and secure home, they turn out ok. You are that home to your kids. They will turn out ok. Will they have some issues that may need to be sorted out in therapy when they are adults? Probably. But we all have issues from our childhood that need to be sorted out in therapy.

Your kids won't be turned against you. They will see his lies, they will see his manipulation.

Your job as a parent is not to protect your kids from their father. It's to raise them into capable, resilient adults. While as parents we don't want to ever put our kids into a situation where they are getting hurt, they actually need some level of hardship in their lives, to learn how to deal with the real world. A child that never faces any hardship will not grow up into being an adult capable of dealing with the real world. So just keep that in perspective. You wouldn't ever wish your children's father's abuse upon them, but that doesn't mean it's 100% bad.

In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. Love your kids. Validate their feelings. Talk through with them the confusing messages they get from their father and help them to apply logic and reason to them to see that their father isn't telling them the truth. If you can do this, your kids will turn out really well. They'll have a tough childhood to be sure, but they'll grow into resilient adults, and that's what really matters at the end of the day.

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@spookydawg77 Research shows that adverse childhood experiences are correlated with poor outcomes (including medical, psychological, mental, academic, and occupational outcomes) Examples of ACE's are exposure to forms of abuse (either witnessed or experienced), exposure to domestic violence in the home, incarceration of parents, exposure to parents using substances, divorce/separation/death/abandonment of biological parent(s), neglect, and living with someone with a severe mental illness. These correlations have been extensively studied by Kaiser Permanente and the CDC. So dysfunctional abusive parents can very seriously impact a child. It is simply not true that one parent's influence on a child is not influential, and it's an example of pop psychology.

After exposure to adverse events, there are things that can be done to attempt to mitigate the impact of the experiences on the child, such as providing them with opposing positive experiences. You can think of see-saw or a scale with the adverse events on one end and positive factors on the other side. Positive factors, including a loving parent, can help mitigate the impact of the dyfunctionality of the "not so great" parent, but it in no way erases it. In fact, the impact lasts for years, and may not be seen until well into a person's adulthood. There is a direct correlation between the number of adverse events and the chances of dropping out of school, being a teen parent, using drugs, developing mental disorders, being overweight, calling out from work as an adult, experiencing heart disease, dying by suicide, etc. Systems and organizations, and people, and courts, and law enforcement needs to be more educated on this. Our children are being failed. In many, many ways.

 

[spookydawg77]

@liaamsmithh95 There's no suggestion that these kids are exposed to violence, drug use, abandonment, incarceration of parents, death of a parent, or even neglect. They have a manipulative parent who is making things hell for the other parent, and are attempting to alienate against the other parent, but it doesn't sound anywhere near on the scale of the things you're describing. I have friends who have similar exes, and these exes, though certainly emotionally abusive, still love their kids, and still mostly provide a safe home for them. So the kids get these mixed messages, which are confusing, and certainly do damage, but aren't enough to have the extreme effects that you're describing here. So I don't know why you're saying all this, are you just trying to create fear and anxiety for fun?

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@spookydawg77 Okay, let's take OP's case. There's already one ACE--separation of the kids' biological parents. A second ACE is the emotional abuse that she suspects is occurring with the kids directly. She stated that he is telling his kids that their mother is trying to get him put into jail, their mother is a wh***, and the other lies that she said he tells them in her post. Based on the agesof the kid, this may be making them feel afraid, unstable, etc. It's also manipulative. She said that he makes them feel uncomfortable. Think about it for a second...a 3 and a 6 year older should not be exposed to that. It is counterproductive to their development, which would take too long to describe in detail, but it affects a lot, including their emotional stability, attachment, etc. It is abuse. A third ACE would be the witnessing of domestic violence (which isn't always referring to physical violence). Their mother has a restraining order, and although it isn't clear from the post what led to the order, they aren't given out without reason, and chances are, if this guy is as off-his-rocker as he sounds, the kids have been exposed to domestic violence. In fact, when they hear him cursing out their mother over the phone, continually harassing her, and verbally abusing her (if they hear some of the continuous harassing calls that she mentioned), those things themselves are a form of domestic violence that they are witnessing. Three ACEs are enough to increase the likelihood of some significant impacts.

Yet, those are the only ones that we (may) know about from the post. Does this guy have a serious mental disorder? Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the worst that you can have. Is he bi polar? Severely depressed? Is this guy smoking weed continuously, drinking too much alcohol, etc? If those are present, we could be looking at 4 or 5 ACEs right there, which increases the likelihood of negative outcomes even more It's not hard for these dysfunctional parents to negatively impact their kids. In fact, it's quite common and I see it very, very often. A lot of people think that the " serious problems" are removed from their households, or are far away, or come in the scariest packages. However, these are common experiences for groups of children. They're everyday occurrences that are happening in real time, and closer to home than what some may think. In fact, in today's society, it more of an increasing norm for a brain (including adults) to be in a "state of survival" versus a relaxed state conducive for learning. Unhealthy parents harm... And something needs to be done about it.

 

[spookydawg77]

@liaamsmithh95 And so what are you suggesting this mother do? She came here for advice and support, how are you giving her advice and support here?

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@spookydawg77 OP, I would suggest keeping really good documentation of everything that is occurring pertaining to what he's saying to your kids, what they're bearing witness to, and of any patterns of behavior that you are seeing in the kids. Are they appearing to be more anxious? Have they regressed developmentally? Can you have daycare and elementary teachers corroborate that? Be open with your pediatrician about what you may be observing in the kids, as well as what they are being exposed to. Try to create or maintain a healthy community around them. Put them into play therapy, or young-child adapted cognitive behavioral therapy. And most of all, try to take care of yourself. It's disheartening and sad when you arent able to leave an abusive relationship free and clear. We have tainted life lines still connecting us to them through our kids. Perhaps you may want to get into therapy as well. Sadly, family court in America is light years behind where it should be when it comes to children's rights to a healthy life, so if you're in the US, practicing "radical acceptance" may be helpful. The answer for protective american parents is to accept the abuse of our kids, facilitate a relationship between our children and abusers, and play nice until everyone can see without a doubt the abuser's footprint on their lives. If you're in a really serious situation, please document and utilize the system's resources so that your children can be helped sooner rather than later. I am sorry you're going through this.

 

[slvceli]

@liaamsmithh95 Thank you for this. I appreciate all your advice and input. I do understand all the adverse affects this kind of situation causes and that’s why I’m so worried. It’s very unfortunate. He definitely has severe narcissistic personality disorder as my therapist says and is 100% off his rocker. Somethings definitely wrong in his head. I do have myself in therapy and my 6 year old sees the school counselor but I’m working on putting them both into real therapy. I need all the advice I can get as I have never ever experienced anything like this and didn’t even know where to start. Thank you!

 

[kate92]

@slvceli Get onto podcast Perfect Prey.. There are so many tips for parenting. it's the main focus was a life saver

 

[kate92]

@liaamsmithh95 Agree with the docs as much as possible and earlier than later. Also, a paediatrician and help for anxiety ASAP. My eldest developed an eating disorder so severe that she did not attend school for a year. Her anxiety and nervous system, and our entire home, I now know, was running on anxiety but it got more confusing after separation

 

[slvceli]

@spookydawg77 Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. Speaking for myself As a mother i think the absolute worst and don’t want my baby’s experiencing any kind of hardship or trauma but i love the way you explained to look at it. A perfect life with no problems is not even realistic to allow them to see the real world. I appreciate you taking the time to write that and how much that meant to me! I will continue loving them everyday and keeping my side of the street clean and loving!

 

[aniday]

@slvceli I’m just curious, what is the reason of you withholding your children from him?

 

[slvceli]

@aniday I haven’t. Ever since our split in September he hasn’t wanted more time other than every other weekend. At first I always pushed for him to get them more often and spend more time but he never did. He would only ever wanna get the kids when he couldn’t control me or just to hurt me. He would constantly use the kids over my head so that’s when I got a custody order through the courts which is only what our current agreement was anyways. Mind you he didn’t even show up to our custody hearing to say his side or try and get more time. He does not want them he only wants to control me.