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Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?
- Thread starter utay62
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- advice request dads
@utay62 Based on my experience with my 2 year old in an organized class, some days will be better than others. My daughter and two other kids are in a tennis clinic together. Some days my daughter is listening to everything and following. Other days she isn’t. It’s the same with the other two kids. We gently direct her to participate (“listen to miss Mary”) and encourage her when she participates. But other than that, we just let it happen. She has fun and is learning either way.
stefaninilson
New member
@utay62 My father was beaten daily, most times just for good measure... He resolved never to hit his kids, but he still verbally abused the shit out of us... I couldn't blame him too much for it... he only had two types of discipline in his life. His parents who would get drunk and beat the shit out of him, and the military where you are verbally destroyed until you can do it right every time without thinking.
I use neither approach in parenting... No, with an explanation seems to work in a lot of situations.
I use neither approach in parenting... No, with an explanation seems to work in a lot of situations.
pocahuhntosss
New member
@utay62 Discipline is generally not effective with my children beyond threatening to withhold things they want. If there is punishment, we make sure it's directly tied to the infraction (I. E. Food is not allowed in rooms. If you bring it in, you lose desert X number of times depending on how many times it's happened.)
Otherwise, we believe in natural consequences short of the kids causing traumatic harm to themselves or others.
Otherwise, we believe in natural consequences short of the kids causing traumatic harm to themselves or others.
steffyweffy777
New member
@utay62 Remember, most kids don't do things because they're bad or want to be bad. They're impulsive, self centered, and full of energy. But they also love mom and dad and don't really want to hurt us either.
I talk to my kids about what's okay and what's not.
I use timeouts (1 minute per year old they are because any more and they don't really remember or understand why they're being punished). Sit them on the bed or in a chair by themselves. If they don't abide the timeout alone, they try playing, then public timeout in a special chair they're not allowed to leave.
After timeouts, again talk about why that happened and how they can avoid it.
Further steps are take away things they like as punishment. For us we have family play time and stories before bed. I take away play time first, but leave stories because reading is important. But if they're really bad, they lose story time.
As my oldest ages up, she loses TV and tablet time, sometimes for a week (that's usually specific to the crime though, like watching things I tell her she's not allowed to, but she tries sneaking it anyway).
If she was going to get a milkshake from a restaurant as a special treat and we knew it ahead of time and she misbehaves, she gets a warning. If she keeps it up, no more special treat.
Note that we don't use normal every day "no dessert" at home as punishment because that inversely treats dessert like an everyday assumption / reward and we don't want that either.
The last one we use timeouts for is a bit more ambiguous. If there's an offence that isn't bad enough for a punishment, but my eldest is pushing my buttons for days and days and not improving, I'll give her a warning that she's been misbehaving a lot each day and the next time is a timeout.
Honestly, timeouts work well on her. She hates missing out. Find what works for you. But always follow up with talking to and trying to correct it in a calm way. Oh, and offer hugs, even when they're little shits.
I talk to my kids about what's okay and what's not.
I use timeouts (1 minute per year old they are because any more and they don't really remember or understand why they're being punished). Sit them on the bed or in a chair by themselves. If they don't abide the timeout alone, they try playing, then public timeout in a special chair they're not allowed to leave.
After timeouts, again talk about why that happened and how they can avoid it.
Further steps are take away things they like as punishment. For us we have family play time and stories before bed. I take away play time first, but leave stories because reading is important. But if they're really bad, they lose story time.
As my oldest ages up, she loses TV and tablet time, sometimes for a week (that's usually specific to the crime though, like watching things I tell her she's not allowed to, but she tries sneaking it anyway).
If she was going to get a milkshake from a restaurant as a special treat and we knew it ahead of time and she misbehaves, she gets a warning. If she keeps it up, no more special treat.
Note that we don't use normal every day "no dessert" at home as punishment because that inversely treats dessert like an everyday assumption / reward and we don't want that either.
The last one we use timeouts for is a bit more ambiguous. If there's an offence that isn't bad enough for a punishment, but my eldest is pushing my buttons for days and days and not improving, I'll give her a warning that she's been misbehaving a lot each day and the next time is a timeout.
Honestly, timeouts work well on her. She hates missing out. Find what works for you. But always follow up with talking to and trying to correct it in a calm way. Oh, and offer hugs, even when they're little shits.
@utay62 If you build a deep enough connection with your kids you won’t need to discipline. Eventually they will do it the way you do it because they copy people they have connection to.
Am I saying this is a cure all and 100% guaranteed to work? No. But I tried the traditional disciple route for a solid decade and it didn’t work either. Kids are their own people and they won’t always have the same goals as you.
I’m not saying you don’t tell your kids what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. I’m saying that the punishment for unacceptable behaviour is disapproval or a natural consequence.
Like if you need to take them out of the class because they are disrupting it then that’s a natural consequence. You are living your value of not being selfish and modelling it.
Am I saying this is a cure all and 100% guaranteed to work? No. But I tried the traditional disciple route for a solid decade and it didn’t work either. Kids are their own people and they won’t always have the same goals as you.
I’m not saying you don’t tell your kids what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. I’m saying that the punishment for unacceptable behaviour is disapproval or a natural consequence.
Like if you need to take them out of the class because they are disrupting it then that’s a natural consequence. You are living your value of not being selfish and modelling it.
scaredtodeath
New member
@utay62 I watched a cool video the other day. Dude was explaining that children focus on what they’re not supposed to do. Like if you hold up a red folder and say don’t look at the red folder. They’re immediately gonna look at the red folder. So instead you say look at me. Don’t tell them what they shouldn’t be doing, tell them and show them what they should be doing. Redirect the energy and engagement. My sons not old enough for discipline but that’s what I’m gonna go with. Growing up I got spankings. Never was “beat”. When I got older I even got spankings for crying after getting a spanking. So ya not gonna go down that route. My wife on the other hand wasn’t disciplined because her dad was abused. She’s had some tough growing up as we got older because of it. So it’s a happy medium really. Don’t abuse your kids but be consistent and firm.
katrina2017
New member
@utay62 A lot of the not knowing what to do to get kids (esp boys) to listen comes from not actually knowing them as individual people.
Ie, what specifically, intrinsically motivates them. What are their fears and what events have shaped that. What do they love.
Everyone wants to be understood. But too many parents (and teachers) only seek compliance. Sure, it comes from exhaustion. Sure, the kids may be acting a fool. But if you can't connect with them, it's hard to really understand whats driving the lack of listening.
Ie, what specifically, intrinsically motivates them. What are their fears and what events have shaped that. What do they love.
Everyone wants to be understood. But too many parents (and teachers) only seek compliance. Sure, it comes from exhaustion. Sure, the kids may be acting a fool. But if you can't connect with them, it's hard to really understand whats driving the lack of listening.
@utay62 The illusion of choice and positive reinforcement.
Anytime I want to say no, I change it to explaining what they should be doing. It's hard to forget that children literally don't know how the world works and need you to explain everything from gravity to basic safety.
The illusion of choice is just giving them two options that work instead of one so they get to participate in choosing what they do. You choose the options so they are both leading in a direction that you want. It's like the two-party voting system in America. It doesn't work but we get to vote for a party "to fix things."
Anytime I want to say no, I change it to explaining what they should be doing. It's hard to forget that children literally don't know how the world works and need you to explain everything from gravity to basic safety.
The illusion of choice is just giving them two options that work instead of one so they get to participate in choosing what they do. You choose the options so they are both leading in a direction that you want. It's like the two-party voting system in America. It doesn't work but we get to vote for a party "to fix things."
gagirl1961
New member
@gagirl1961 Yep! My 2.5 yeat old is in a gymnastics class. I use the term "class" loosely. They aren't doing cartwheels, the high bars where they flip from one to the other, or doing handsprings lol. OP's may be different, but at ours they do little obstacle courses with balance beams & tunnels, jumping on the trampoline, short bars where they can swing. It's more or less a class to teach them things like turn-taking & waiting in line while also helping them get energy out. The class my son is in has us with him the whole time and we follow coach instruction.
@utay62 I was raised with plenty of discipline and no punishments that I can remember (my old sister can’t remember any either). Instead, we had a few clear rules that were explain to us and applied to everyone. I never even had thought about how I was spanked or put in time out until I had my own kid (who’s now two and a half).
I wrote two kind of long comments about both how I was raised and how my parents have been just really positive examples of modern parenting for me and how I’m trying to implement that with my own kid in another sub.
The summary is there are simple rules—normally about what my kid should do rather than what he shouldn’t—that he learns and repeats back to me. Things like “We only throw balls”, “Water stays in the sink” (he’s in a phase where he’ll just wash toys in the sink for a half an hour), “If there are cars around, you gotta hold my hand.” He’ll break the rules sometimes, like he’ll throw something that’s not a ball because he’s 2 and a half, and I’ll remind him and usually that’s enough. Sometimes it’s more, especially when he’s tired, and I have to go pick him up and stop him (or rarely he’ll get really upset and we go somewhere quiet for a hot minute until he’s calm—some people call this a “time in”, I guess). But he really internalizes the rules. His grandmother was telling me today how she held a knife in her mouth while she was cutting something in the kitchen and my son chided her because that’s dangerous! He’s made me wear boots all winter, because we made him wear boots all winter (“Hey dad, it’s cold out. Where your boots?” “Oh you’re right buddy. I forgot. I gotta get my boots on, not my sneakers.”) These rules often turn into play, like he was climbing on the table during meals, after a few “No climbing on the table”s, he started explaining it to his stuffed dog every time we accidentally put the dog on the table (“Hey Otto, no climbing on the table!” “That’s right bud. Otto, let’s get you off that table.”)
IOne thing is that they’re little sponges at this age so the example you explicitly set can really be absorbed—whatever that example is. That’s why I’ve really, really, really tried not to raise my voice to him, ever, unless it’s a direct safety thing that I’m worried about, like he’s potentially going to fall off the jungle gym. It’s hard, but one thing I’ve found is that when he’s being super annoying (“I don’t want to, though”), I can just tickle the fuck out of him and it makes both of us feel better.
I wrote two kind of long comments about both how I was raised and how my parents have been just really positive examples of modern parenting for me and how I’m trying to implement that with my own kid in another sub.
The summary is there are simple rules—normally about what my kid should do rather than what he shouldn’t—that he learns and repeats back to me. Things like “We only throw balls”, “Water stays in the sink” (he’s in a phase where he’ll just wash toys in the sink for a half an hour), “If there are cars around, you gotta hold my hand.” He’ll break the rules sometimes, like he’ll throw something that’s not a ball because he’s 2 and a half, and I’ll remind him and usually that’s enough. Sometimes it’s more, especially when he’s tired, and I have to go pick him up and stop him (or rarely he’ll get really upset and we go somewhere quiet for a hot minute until he’s calm—some people call this a “time in”, I guess). But he really internalizes the rules. His grandmother was telling me today how she held a knife in her mouth while she was cutting something in the kitchen and my son chided her because that’s dangerous! He’s made me wear boots all winter, because we made him wear boots all winter (“Hey dad, it’s cold out. Where your boots?” “Oh you’re right buddy. I forgot. I gotta get my boots on, not my sneakers.”) These rules often turn into play, like he was climbing on the table during meals, after a few “No climbing on the table”s, he started explaining it to his stuffed dog every time we accidentally put the dog on the table (“Hey Otto, no climbing on the table!” “That’s right bud. Otto, let’s get you off that table.”)
IOne thing is that they’re little sponges at this age so the example you explicitly set can really be absorbed—whatever that example is. That’s why I’ve really, really, really tried not to raise my voice to him, ever, unless it’s a direct safety thing that I’m worried about, like he’s potentially going to fall off the jungle gym. It’s hard, but one thing I’ve found is that when he’s being super annoying (“I don’t want to, though”), I can just tickle the fuck out of him and it makes both of us feel better.
bubblywierd
New member
lonelldaniels
New member
@utay62 For both my sons we use a combination of timeouts and/or losing access to something they like for a little while (never disposing of it though).
Make sure not to pick a bed or anything that you want them to regularly use (we had rocking chairs in their rooms, that worked pretty well). You don't want the bed to be associated with something negative or then they won't like going to bed. Give them a few minutes to cool off and then go talk to them. Ask them what they did wrong and if they don't know explain it to them as well as why it is wrong. Make them say sorry and let them go play.
Taking something away can be a little bit of a sticky grounds but just make sure they understand that they can get it back eventually. If you start to dispose of the items then they are going hide things from you so they don't lose it permanently.
I am not against temporarily pulling privileges. This works good if you have someone else's kid over as well. If a certain toy or game is causing issues then they can no longer play with or that game for a while. Worst case scenario is the other kid goes home (but can play again in the future).
I try very very hard to not yell (I think I broke this one like twice in 7 years). Use a direct tone but do not come across as yelling.
My father was not a bad person nor a bad father but he was not against more physical types of punishment (spanking, yelling, something my siblings and I call the cat hold). You bet your soul I found out it was smarter to do my best to hide anything that I knew would make him upset which, to me, hurts a relationship.
Make sure not to pick a bed or anything that you want them to regularly use (we had rocking chairs in their rooms, that worked pretty well). You don't want the bed to be associated with something negative or then they won't like going to bed. Give them a few minutes to cool off and then go talk to them. Ask them what they did wrong and if they don't know explain it to them as well as why it is wrong. Make them say sorry and let them go play.
Taking something away can be a little bit of a sticky grounds but just make sure they understand that they can get it back eventually. If you start to dispose of the items then they are going hide things from you so they don't lose it permanently.
I am not against temporarily pulling privileges. This works good if you have someone else's kid over as well. If a certain toy or game is causing issues then they can no longer play with or that game for a while. Worst case scenario is the other kid goes home (but can play again in the future).
I try very very hard to not yell (I think I broke this one like twice in 7 years). Use a direct tone but do not come across as yelling.
My father was not a bad person nor a bad father but he was not against more physical types of punishment (spanking, yelling, something my siblings and I call the cat hold). You bet your soul I found out it was smarter to do my best to hide anything that I knew would make him upset which, to me, hurts a relationship.
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