Does anybody else enjoy coparenting?

[sedonarose]

I’m wondering if it’s common to enjoy coparenting. I get 50% time off to clean, plan meals/crafts, and sleep in. It felt like I was much busier when parenting in a single household. It was also anxiety-ridden since my STBXW would micromanage my parenting. And I’d go along with it in order to keep the peace. In many cases, it felt like somebody was incorrectly correcting my grammar for a team essay. But I couldn’t win the fight so resigned to doing it her way.

Coparenting is not without issues. My kids (5 and 3) still co-sleep with adults — and my STBXW and in-laws don’t see a problem with it. My 3 year old daughter sleeps with STBXW and my 5 year old son sleeps with my FIL. My STBXW doesn’t think it’s ethical to let the kids learn to self soothe. Any discomfort needs to be immediately resolved. It feels very co-dependent to me. I can’t really control what happens at STBXW’s house. I’ve politely shared research that shows the benefits of independent sleeping.

 

[halterfr33]

@sedonarose I'm an introvert, and emotion regulation is still a huge challenge for me due to my childhood trauma.

I'm a way better parent as a coparent with down time alone.

 

[cafreeman89]

@halterfr33 My daughter is with her father less than 48 hours every weekend. I am absolutely dependent on my child-free Saturdays to cocoon in bed to mentally and socially recuperate. I can usually fit in some cleaning, but I am desperate for some time to not be in charge or manage someone else. I'd love more time, but my ex and I live 90 minutes apart, so it's not possible with our schedules to extend that.

 

[nnhust]

@sedonarose I think the things you bring up are what a lot of parents try to focus on when having to split custody and I think it’s great to use that time you don’t have them to make sure you can be a better parent when you do have them.

 

[rrico]

@sedonarose I’m new to this but it has been nice to have more time to socialize with other adults while knowing that my little guy is still spending time with someone who loves him lots. It’s also refreshing to feel more comfortable and competent during my own parenting time. It’s lonely and sad but I have to see some benefits to it to stay in the right headspace.

 

[passingthrough1]

@sedonarose I prefer coparenting than being married to my ex but it’s still high conflict, I still do the lions share of the work/errands and we’re still slugging through unrelated divorce procedures. I’d enjoy it a lot more if it was evenly balanced but even not, yes I prefer it to full time parenting with my ex.

If I had a great partner in the first place to parent with, while I can appreciate my time to myself, I’d absolutely never choose to miss whole weeks of my kids lives for convenience.

 

[simonwise]

@sedonarose My joke when we split (I was kind of 60/40, baby was a year old) was I was going to write a book and get on Oprah with my advice book...Break the fuck up, a guide to low stress parenting.

50/50 gives so much more time and ease than 2 going 100%.

 

[kaosthemushroom]

@sedonarose Having my kids 50% of the time (the other half is mostly just time they spend in school or sleeping to be honest) was absolutely worth losing 100% of the time with my Ex, lol (and she'd probably say the same).

I spend my days without kids focusing on myself, getting extra work done (professionally, but also around the house), and planning for the rest of the week when they're here. When the kids want to do extracurriculars I'm the one that is most flexible to accommodate and I end up getting much more than half of the quality time anyways.

After a few years coparenting I think my ex has adjusted and is a better mother now that she has time to relax and work on herself too.

 

[joshuawithmartin]

@sedonarose I love spending time with my son and miss him while he’s gone but also love the time to quietly sit and recharge my battery. It used to make me feel like a huge jerk. (I also know I’m lucky because he has a great dad and I don’t have to worry about him while he’s gone.)

 

[jdcmoral]

@joshuawithmartin You hit the nail on the head when you said:

I also know I’m lucky because he has a great dad, and I don’t have to worry about him while he’s gone.

This is exactly how I feel 50/50 coparenting with my middle child's father. Once we got through the necessary court procedures and started coparenting, it's been a breeze! I know she is taken care of, our families get along, and if we need to adjust pick-up/drop-off times, we both go with the flow. I miss her, but knowing she is happy and I have time to recharge is wonderful

On the other hand, the time spent coparenting with my youngest child's father is unnerving, to say the least. I'm blissfully hopeful that one day, it will be similar to the aforementioned scenario. Fingers crossed.

Best of luck to you!

 

[zainonechia]

@jdcmoral 100%

I really enjoy co-parenting (and I know my ex does too) and a large part of that is due to the fact that we're very aligned as parents. I can't imagine how emotionally fraught co-parenting would be if I had doubts about my daughter's father's parenting.

 

[katrina2017]

@sedonarose Finally someone said it! I love the "me" time that I am afforded so that I can do whatever my heart desires and not have to worry whether my activities are child-appropriate, nor spending $$$ to hire a babysitter for a simple night out. I get to sleep in, call my friends and catch up over brunch, attend events or exhibits that are for a more mature crowd, go dancing and have cocktails in the evening, travel internationally. It's one of the few pros of coparenting because I compare my situation to my siblings who rarely gets breaks raising their kids under one roof with their spouses. But as parents we get shamed if we don't think:

"My kids are my oxygen, I can't breathe without them, I don't know what to do with myself when they're not here".

(I want to shake these people and ask them did they not have hobbies or interests before becoming parents...) Don't get me wrong, I love my kid, but becoming a parent didn't wipe out the rest of my personality. I am more than just "mom" and make sure that those sides of me don't get neglected during my off-time.

 

[psychopath2313]

@katrina2017 Absolutely this! I love my daughter, but I’m also 100% a better parent for the 50% of me time. It’s done wonders for my mental health! (And physical health too tbh.) I often feel heartless for not really ‘missing’ my daughter as such.

 

[cre8ivemom]

@sedonarose On co-sleeping, much of the world co sleeps. It's perfectly normal. Only the US seems to have an obsession with making 5 year olds "self soothe". I wouldn't sweat it too much, there's plenty of well adjusted people who co slept as children (all of Sweden, Norway, Denmark, etc.).

 

[sedonarose]

@cre8ivemom Doesn’t it impact the parents’ sleep? It does in my case . I end up getting kicked in the face and barely have a sliver of the bed. And if one kid sleeps poorly, both kids end up sleeping poorly.

 

[cre8ivemom]

@sedonarose Get a large bed . It’s also a lot easier to co sleep if you do it from the beginning, in my experience. We did sleep training for my son and he’s a complete pain to sleep with. My daughter otoh we coslept from a baby and she was snuggly and easy to sleep with.

 

[nenematthew]

@sedonarose I’m in the same boat, where my kid, 7yo, started co-sleeping with her dad a couple years ago and ruined the independent sleep she was taught from since she was a baby. Definitely impacts my sleep!!! I’m a light sleeper and getting kicked or slapped in the face is no bueno
You’re not alone!

 

[sedonarose]

@nenematthew Thanks! Any pro tips to get more sleep?

 

[nenematthew]

@sedonarose Oof, Dr. Becky from Good Inside has some good tips. And other books will say it’s all about “consistency”. I haven’t had much luck yet. At least she’ll fall asleep in her bed in the beginning. It’s hard to keep that consistency when she has to go back to her dad’s and he doesn’t want to work with me teach her to self-soothe. One day at a time! I’my trying the sticker chart and resorted to bribing her which still doesn’t work. Going to restart again after the holidays and be more disciplined to send her back to her room when she comes to my bed in the middle of the night which is my issue.

 

[oar]

@sedonarose Separation of parents is a big life adjustment, even if it didn’t happen recently. This could comfort and soothe them, making them feel safe. There are many studies that say it benefits children not to sleep alone. Rugged individualist, cry it out, be independent is very western thinking. Anthropologically speaking, co-sleeping is widely utilized and in my opinion a very special way to bond with your kiddo. They’re not little for very long and they will outgrow it at some point. It’s not a matter of if, but when. I’ve let my 5 year old continue to sleep with me because it doesn’t disrupt either of our sleep quality and I enjoy it as much as he does, but I get that it doesn’t work for everyone.