But my husband’s family name will die if we don’t have a boy!

[laura100]

Mainly joking, mainly. My husband and I have a 5 month old girl right now. She’s lovely, but I cannot fathom doing this again with a toddler running around.

My husband brings up his family name ending as a joke, but I know he wants a second. He’s an amazing dad and I know he’d be great with two. However, he’s not the one staying at home doing on demand BFing right now. Not the one who dealt with gestational diabetes, post partum prolapse…

And my mom acts totally flabbergasted if I mention possibly being OAD. I grew up with three siblings and will agree that it was fun to have a big family growing up! But I also remember her seeming to be spread thin, easily losing her patience, yelling often. She has been financially supportive with our daughter, so I’m afraid she thinks that gives her more say or she’ll hold it over my head.

I know I need be assertive and not worry about being a people pleaser, why is it so hard?

 

[altrechts]

@laura100 you are still early in the game. the people pleasing got easier for me as time went on.

i remember a few years ago this whole topic had come up about the family name dying with my husband. our daughter asked for more clarification because she didn't understand what that meant. after we told her she laughed and said "who ever said i was going to get married? and if i do, i'm keeping my last name!"

and honestly, she isn't wrong. we don't know what life holds for her. she very well could end up having a child someday who takes her name!

 

[patchrex]

@altrechts My sister and BIL are child free by choice, but he took her last name. It happens!!

 

[californiacatherine]

@patchrex I am one and done, and my son has my last name, not my husband's. Also, it's just a name, I think it's very silly the level of importance this still is for men.

 

[aleksandros]

@altrechts I think it will depend on who my kid marries if she does. She will probably pick the one that sounds better with her first name.

Luckily my husbands brother has all boys, so we should be fine. I was actually surprised my sil gave the boys her husbands last name. She kept hers and overall it is a better sounding name than mine. My maiden name was awful, so the bar was kind of low. I probably wasn’t keeping it unless I married someone with an awful last name (Butts is one that comes to mind).

 

[ayleeann]

@laura100 One thing I don’t see mentioned enough is that even if you have more kids, there’s no guarantee that you’d even have a boy. I don’t understand having more kids just to try to have a specific gender.

 

[gore2828]

@ayleeann Two friends from my childhood were each from families of 5 girls. A friend with 2 boys tried for girl and had a 3rd boy. We don’t get a choice and having more kids in order to perpetuate a surname is a really bad reason to have another child.

 

[jka87]

@gore2828 My cousin had 6 boys before she gave up on having a girl.

 

[meekuno]

@ayleeann I always found this mindset weird too. You have to accept possibly having like 3 or 4 girls if you keep trying for a boy or vice versa. And then when you “give up” are you going to resent all those kids that are not the gender you preferred? It’s sick IMO

 

[aleksandros]

@ayleeann Or that your boy child will ever have kids.

 

[malek1986]

@laura100 We have a son, planned on having 2 but wasn’t able to have a second. I got the comment “at least you have a boy” a few times, which is so dumb. I would’ve been equally as happy with a girl. Sometimes people just say stupid things.

 

[tjlurk]

@laura100 I grew up with a different surname from my biological father, and when my daughter was born we gave her her mum’s surname. Anytime someone asks about my surname dying out I tell them I’ve already killed two, I’m just disappointed I won’t get to end a third.

I’ve also got some people pleasing tendencies, I just learned to enjoy their undeserved disappointment.

 

[daward]

@laura100 We have a daughter and given that my partner and I are engaged, we hyphenated her last name. Who’s to say she won’t do the same, or keep her last name in the future, or be a single mom! There’s so many examples in today’s world that can lead to a woman keeping her last name despite marital status!

Also, it’s not my job to create an “heir” or to continue the family name. We don’t live in an age where land is passed down based on last name alone. She doesn’t get anything special by passing down the name, the In-laws can deal. Its our family’s decision and doesn’t effect them in any way despite going against tradition.

 

[lovinggodeveryday]

@daward I’m a first generation double-barrelled/hyphenated kid, my daughter is the second generation. We didn’t want to triple barrel so I thought it would be fun to use the maternal line of my surname, since I’m mum. There’s something very satisfying to me doing it like that. I’m hoping she choses to do the same and makes it a tradition.

 

[wowdarling]

@daward This. Me and my husband are married, but hyphenated our name when we got married. Giving up my own was never an option to me. Our daughter has that same last name.

If she ever gets married, she might keep it, or keep one of them. Almost no one changes their name anymore where I live.

 

[patchrex]

@wowdarling I got married young (19), and at my current age of 35, I still love my husband very much and am very happy with our life together, but I do occasionally have regrets about giving up my last name to take his. I wish for a hyphenated, or even “combined” new last name, but here I am…

 

[marks1mpson]

@laura100 I kept my last name after I got married

 

[sparagmos]

@marks1mpson Me too, it felt too weird to change it after having my name for so long. Also it would be very difficult to pronounce my name and my husband's last name together

 

[dlb5243]

@laura100 My husband’s last name still died with our son because they took my last name.

 

[goldenkitsune]

@dlb5243 Same story here for our future kids - I’m it changing mine and my kids will have my name.

I think the whole “name legacy” thing is super immature to be honest OP and certainly a selfish reason for brining a kid into the world. Your husband needs to go to therapy.