Income keeps going up but husband doesn’t want to outsource any chores

[iamsaved79]

@gembeldolar They only do floors, bathrooms and kitchen. So no dusting, wiping down walls, making the beds, tidying. It probably cut down 40% of the clean which made us feel a lot better about it and we barely notice the difference. The robot vacuum has also lowered the amount of time it takes them

 

[solomonhall201]

@gembeldolar I had that problem with my husband and I convinced him eventually. My arguments:
- Right now we are in a really stressful time in our life (toddler years) and this wouldn't be forever. We can test it out and re-evaluate yearly
- He might not care as much but the state of the house was negatively impacting me. I constantly think about what needs to be done, and then feel bad for not doing it. I get stressed when people come over.
- What's the point of making good money if some of it isn't used to make life easier / more pleasant.
- Our kid (kids now) will only be little for a short while and we work full time. Let's maximise the time we have together and prioritise family time (for now)
- Friends of ours really recommend it and they earn less than us
- It would make me happy
- I'll handle finding someone and the admin or organising, paying etc.

Eventually I got him on board but we agreed to keep it below x amount which meant only having someone come every 2 weeks and only to do bathrooms and kitchen. And it's been great!

 

[iamkingsamuel]

@gembeldolar About 4 months ago I started hiring home help for a huge number of hours per week. A little more than ten percent of my monthly take home pay for this amount of help.

I know it’s an outrageous amount of help. But I have honestly never been happier in my whole life. And I actually enjoy being a parent now.

 

[emilyd]

@gembeldolar I grew up broke and found it difficult to adjust to hiring help, but the time cost savings won me over. We have an upper middle class income, and I hire out absolutely everything I can. I've got a cleaner, a handyman (who also does yard work), and a laundry service. I'll never go back to cleaning my own house.

As far as your husband goes, just hire the cleaner. Mother's Day is coming up and you can tell him you want to buy yourself a deep clean and a package of a few normal cleans as a gift. I also hire local small businesses so I can reassure myself that my money is staying in my community. His mom is a housecleaner and if everyone thought like your husband, his mom wouldn't have had work. To note, I've spoken extensively about the subject with my housecleaner. She loves cleaning and organizing houses, and she feels that it's deeply fulfilling to take good care of her families; she actually pulls in big bucks owning her own business so it's not like you're taking advantage of people either. There's no shame in paying for services.

 

[uponthehorizon]

@gembeldolar Would he be more amenable if the idea was you hired help while your child is little, and taper off as you teach your child how to do the chores with you? Also, get a mopping roborock, and things will be easier.

 

[bbarb]

@gembeldolar Why does he get final say?

 

[philipito]

@gembeldolar Float it as a trial. Say you are going to try a cleaner for 3 months and then the two of you can come back together and reassess if it's worth it.

 

[bracketdash]

@gembeldolar Yeah, tell him he can do 100% of everything every weekend or you can share light cleaning and hire outside help. You say, I don't want to spend my time doing this and would rather enjoy the short amount of time off I get each week.

I'm about to go from 800 sqft, 2bd/1ba to 2300 sqft, 3bdrm/2.5ba 2 bonus rooms, dining room, on almost 2 acres. I told my husband that we are absolutely having someone at least every other week to do the big cleans and the kids are gonna have to learn to do yard work (we're adding attachments to a quad for them.)

 

[christianmentor1]

@gembeldolar Why doesn’t he want to hire a cleaner? We hired lawn care once we were able, but talking my husband into a house cleaner was much harder. When we sold our first house we hired a service to deep clean and then clean weekly to keep it show ready, with three little kids was the only manageable way. After that, was able to talk more about it and main thing is he didn’t like strangers in his house, privacy thing. But he had seen the benefits when we sold the house and talked to a friend who used a service. We paused during covid lockdown, but otherwise have been using one monthly for years now. It such a time/energy saver!

Try to get to the root of why he doesn’t want to hire any services and see how you can ease his mind on the issue(s).

 

[4rtlauderdale]

@gembeldolar Can you make it a trial period like, “Let’s just try it for a month my way and then see how we feel.” I bet he will love it, but it’s a way to get him into it without committing long term!

 

[istmeingottdonnar]

@gembeldolar I finally just did it despite his protests and we’re both so much happier.

 

[anna73]

@gembeldolar To me, the crux of the issue is that your husband has some unresolved emotional trauma from growing up poor. (Excuse my armchair psychologist here). I grew up poor, make a bunch of money now, still flinch from paying for help. I especially hate hiring domestic help since it made me feel like one of those rich people that I used to hate.

All the comments about "just do it", "your husband is being irrational" aren't really helpful towards solving this problem. It is akin to telling working moms to "stop feeling guilty / be rational." I respect you for trying to address your husband emotional needs.

I think you guys need to talk about this larger issue of being comfortable with spending money. The solution that works for us is that we come up with a budget. As long as it's within the budget, I promise that I won't fight the decision the spend. Reversely, my partner respects to never go over the budget. That's the only way for me to permit spending without feeling ill.

 

[deavallsbabe]

@gembeldolar one thing at a time. maybe he gets to keep his lawn care to himself, but compromises on hiring a cleaner. maybe the cleaner doesn’t come every week, but rather once a month for a deep clean and you guys keep it clean in between. maybe the cleaners come when he’s at work or whatever if he has a complex about that. talk it out.

 

[whatwouldronniedo]

@gembeldolar I was a cleaner for years for a very successful, very busy single Mom amongst other more short term clients. She adored me and I her. She cried her eyes out when I went back to school to change careers. My husband used to travel a lot for business when the kids were really young so it was flexible and suited my needs.

It put money in my pocket to pay for activities/fun stuff for my kids and I loved doing it. There's probably a friendly and dedicated Mom looking for a bit of supplementary income that would come in and do a great job. Hiring someone like this benefits your local community.

I would suggest getting someone in twice a month. Entire house clean. It's so easy to maintain then. Suggest to your husband that you'd like more time to bond with him and for your own activities. Life isn't meant to be a constant grind, what's the point of doing so much better if you can't put a bit of money to taking stress off?

I'd pay for a house cleaner faster than I'd pay for a meal service/takeout or lawncare. It just great to have an oil between the moving parts type service so energy can be freed if you can afford to outsource it.

There's no better feeling than lighting the damn candle when the house is pristine and cozying up. It's totally worth prioritising a cleaning service if your budget allows for it.

 

[tat]

@gembeldolar Tell him paying someone to clean/do the lawn is cheaper than a divorce.

 

[catholickid96]

@gembeldolar Try the other side of it? He's hiring people like his mother, giving them a job. And if it's too much of a drain, you cancel it.

And it doesn't have to be daily- having someone come in every 2 weeks or once a month to clean, you still have to run around and pick everything up first so they can get to the surfaces to clean. Maybe mowing only (as a test), he can still do the hedges or the garden (depends on your yard).

Do it for 6 months or one year, and see how he is at the end. Are you able to have more time doing what you want, and enjoy life more? High end usually means high stress, and linger hours. Exercise and I suppose chores help with that, but also just having downtime where you're not running from chore to chore.

My brother went through this. His wife had to pretty much teach him to spend money, not like crazy blowing money, but bigger houses are a lot of work, working 10 hour days now mean chores push into family time. Family is most important, so we all need time together, just hanging out relaxing and connecting.

 

[sarahsanrio]

@gembeldolar Do you share expenses? Is this something you could hire without his consent/ guidance?

 

[katrina2017]

@gembeldolar People think of it as a waste of money. No one in my family ever hired a maid and I never met anyone in real life that has done this. It’s just kind of seen as a privilege like the rich celebrities hiring chefs, Nannie’s, and maids. Idk my family have never hired help before because we can just clean our house for free. I don’t ever see us hiring a maid unless if we move out of our home and we need to make the house look good as new for the newcomers

 

[flexing_goddy]

@gembeldolar I just said cleaners are cheaper than marriage counseling.

 

[chaotic_rayne]

@gembeldolar If he “doesn’t want” to pay for services he’s welcome to do them himself.

Paying for a cleaning service twice a month is the best spent money every month for me. The amount of time and energy it would take me to clean this big house and still not get it anywhere near as clean as they do … 1000% worth the money.