Unhelpful husband

[emilyd]

@axolotl

I’m actually not transphobic. Sorry I meant to say when your partner was a man it was fine. I was trying to say you’re misogynistic as hell and that’s the real problem.

Actually, my entire point was that my wife's shitty behavior wasn't fine at any point; it was just easier to ignore when she was presenting as male, because that's how I was raised. I was internally misogynistic before I went to therapy and worked through my religious trauma and deeply abusive childhood. Many women who struggle with being automatically tasked with "traditional" gender roles- like OP and other women who post on female-ce tric Reddit forums daily- also struggle with shedding the mental burden of misogyny. Those of us leaving fundamentalist religious behind have to deconstruct quite a lot of brainwashing. Internal misogyny was forced on me from childhood and not a philosophy I openly embraced as an adult.

My wife and I have been together since we were 22- you're still essentially a child at 22, with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. We're 38 now, so my short description of how our marriage, friendship, and partnership has evolved has taken place over 16 years. That's a long fucking time. Both of us have developed and grown significantly as adult humans during this time period.

The only reason I brought up the fact that she used to present as male is because it's relevant. It took my wife transitioning to really make it hit home for me that our mental load and household load was deeply unbalanced, unfair, and structured to follow gender roles that not only shouldn't exist but that neither of us ever fit into in the first place.

 

[axolotl]

@emilyd Good I’m glad. I didn’t get from your post that you weren’t ok with it at first, so I apologize for seeming harsh. Glad it’s getting worked out now. I’m sure your family had a huge issue when your wife came out too.

 

[emilyd]

@axolotl Appreciate that, yea I was absolutely not okay with the fucked up distribution of labor. Like I'd mentioned before, my complete takeover of household tasks in the beginning of our marriage was born out of necessity. My wife was serving in a sensitive, mission-critical position and her nightmare schedule left her completely non-functional outside of work. By the time our material circumstances changed and the reality sunk in that I could choose a different path, I was in pure survival mode. I muddled through for a while before I was able to grow a backbone and insist my wife take on her fair share of labor.

And yes, holy shit my family was a nightmare and hers wasn't too far behind. We actually had to cut both sets of parents off because of how incredibly toxic their behavior was towards my wife and our family. I mean, none of them were exactly decent people before my wife came out, but the really egregious behavior emerged after my wife transitioned. We tried to go low-contact before being forced to go no-contact but even that was too much. Things came to a head when my father attempted to throw a punch at my wife. And I say attempted because I bodied this man across the room before his fist landed. I'm not allowing people like that around my wife or kid, let alone myself. Fuck that noise. Sometimes the trash really does take itself out.

 

[butterfly_1983]

@rubbles Ok, so I read through this whole thread and very few people have suggested just talking with him. Not AT him, not In ultimatums or threats, but sit down together and have a loving and empathetic conversation. If you two are in a loving partnership, you should both want to help each other and your family live their best lives. Also, Take the “breadwinner” aspect away. You both work full time-full stop. I had a similar conversation with my husband recently and I learned that he didn’t feel included in some aspects of parenting, so while I thought he was being lazy by not putting our babies laundry away…he was feeling bad for not being included in setting up her room and he felt like he didn’t know where things were supposed to go. So, we talked with each other and spent time reorganizing her room together. We’re not perfect. But damn…come at this from a place of love first.

 

[cod_ud]

@rubbles What do you need him for? Doesn’t sound like he’s bringing much to the table sis. He’s a low value partner. Find another. Better yet, kick him to the curb and be alone for a while. You’ll be happier and healthier for it!

 

[katrina2017]

@rubbles My husband sleeps with the monitor full blast right next to his ear.

But yeah, I mean, if he's not willing to try there's nothing you can do but leave or accept mediocrity.

 

[sagarjackey]

@rubbles Does he snore? It’s not really normal to not wake up to a screaming child unless he has pretty bad hearing loss.

Finally got my husband in for a sleep study and he has sleep apnea. It was why he snored, couldn’t wake up if a train literally drove through our bedroom, would randomly pass out on the couch, and couldn’t remember shit.

Now getting him to do the sleep study was a whole other battle I eventually just scheduled an appt with our local Minute Clinic which their sleep study is a home one which isn’t as accurate but my husband had raging sleep apnea, soooo

Anyway, it’s so much better with his CPAP. He is more functional, can wake up, and no more snoring.

Not saying this is your issue, your husband may just be useless. But just something to consider!

 

[kokopuff]

@rubbles Mine doesn't do nearly all the housework that I do, but then on top complains to me about MY job. I have a job where I'm off during the week, that directly benefits him as I am able to run errands and clean while everyone else is gone. When he's off, he sits his ass on the computer and doesn't do shit. But oooh I work weekends, so he can't manage. Our kids are older, so it's not like they need constant supervision. Mine also takes out the trash and does the kitchen. Ut anything else beyond that doesn't get done til I do it. It's so ridiculous. Any conversations about it turns into how it's my fault. Lol. I wish I had better advice. Nothing like getting gaslit over chores!!

 

[jamesmason10]

@kokopuff Yeah, I'm self employed which is a massive benefit to him because I can always be flexible. And he complains that I have to work some weekends and holidays etc. Even though it's a few minutes on my computer wherever I am.

 

[kokopuff]

@jamesmason10 They don't know how good they have it!! I almost want to find a 9-5 job, so then we can fight over who is taking off during the week when the kids are sick there's no winning

 

[marker855]

@rubbles Give him the business and if he doesn’t shape up thrown the whole man away.

 

[johnshephard]

@rubbles "I never thought I’d resent my husband for being the smaller breadwinner"

You don't, you resent him for his malicious incompetence. You resent him for not stepping up. You resent him for leaving everything to you. I think he'd probably be like this if he was the breadwinner too, but maybe his lack of contribution would be less obvious/more excusable

 

[lindaash]

@rubbles It sounds like he adds very little value to your life and you’d probably have less stress without another child to mother.

 

[lakusha]

@rubbles I left. If I have to do it all myself, I'll do it without the extra burdens.

 

[fishfish]

@rubbles Have you tried doing an SBI with him! Situation Behavior Impact? Men and women seem to respond better when you lay concerns out in this manner… it puts the focus back on you. I’m sure you have talked to him but try telling him…. The situation is that you carry much of the household responsibilities. The behavior is he does not make attempts to help lighten or share the load of responsibilities…the impact is that you’re left feeling exhausted, resentful and not supported. Also if his diet is not healthy it could be affecting his stamina, energy and ability to concentrate. I hope this helps.

 

[anthonysrbn]

@rubbles Oh man I could have written this post a year ago.
I used to think it was my job to dole out tasks and assignments so he could “help” me. Men hate being ordered around and he would predictably fail anytime I started issuing demands. Men are trained to tune out whining and complaining and I guarantee that’s exactly what will happen if you try to “discuss” this with him.
Read “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle if you want him to start delighting you.
In general, he won’t start tasks until you stop them. There will be mistakes as he learns and he will do things very differently. This is because you’re different people. But if you’re labeling him as “incompetent” or “lacking common sense”, that’s all he’ll be. Men want to please but will stop if they deem you to be impossible to please. Catch him being good! I assume you married him because he’s awesome but I didn’t see that anywhere in your post. I guarantee he feels your discontent deeply and you’re both in a self-fulfilling prophecy that he can’t do anything right.
Your first step is self-care and get yourself smiling and happy. What do you do for you? Once a week (at least!), leave the house for whatever fills your cup (pottery class, yoga, dinner with a friend, movies) and let him figure out dinner/bedtime. Don’t leave a list, don’t answer your phone, don’t help in any way. A confident “thank you so much for the evening off honey” with a big smile is all you need. A happy confident woman with a sway in her step gets a man’s attention and focus alot better than long-winded vent sessions. You always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
I hope that was helpful. Taking a laundry list of complaints about my husband to a marriage counselor really didn’t get me anywhere and it was super expensive.

 

[lemons2lemonade]

@rubbles I would straight up ask him what his contribution is to this family. You make the money and do all the things. What does he do?

 

[chalzboy]

@rubbles Honestly, I got divorced and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I’m not telling you to do the same- just relating what worked for me.

 

[kiddutch]

@rubbles I am an academic conducting a study at York University in Canada on the impact of having a calling on dual-career couples. We're interested in interviewing individuals who work full-time and whose partners are deeply committed to a prosocial and meaningful profession. If you fit this criteria and are open to a confidential interview lasting 60-90 minutes, either in-person or virtually, please contact us. I am also happy to show you my linkedin first if you are interested. Message me privately.

 

[robynhymn]

@rubbles Can you give him things to do? For example he can be in charge of the kids bath every night or doing the dishes.