@rubbles I got extremely brutally honest with mine. It pissed him off so much, but I just did not let it slide and did not try to mollify his feelings or humiliation. I took a very "I don't want to be married to an idiot, so don't fucking act like one" tone.
When he "didn't see" a mess? I asked him how the fuck he drove to work every day. Seeing dishes in the sink is WAY less complicated than navigating through busy traffic. Did he expect me to believe that his eyes only activated when his ass hit the driver's seat?
When he "didn't think" he could do something right? I'd ask him how he did [task] at work, which is way more complicated. If he couldn't figure [domestic task] out, then he's being stupid and I didn't think for a second that he was
that stupid. So either he's lying to me or he's too dumb to figure out [domestic task]? Which one is it?
He didn't know how to do something? I'd point at his phone (which was in his hand constantly) and ask if he had forgotten how to use Google. I'd repeat my "so, I don't think you're so dumb that you don't remember how to use google, so I'm honestly curious how a grown ass man can't ask the internet how to do a damn chore. Is there something wrong with your fingers? Can you type?" with a very pointed, but still concerned tone.
I only had to do it for a week or two (at that point, I was so done that I was seriously considering divorce, so I didn't care if I pissed him off anymore). But he realized he wasn't getting away with BS anymore and that I was THAT pissed. He was angry but I just walked away and did something else and left him to stew.
And then, later, I realized that this sort of criticism is how a lot of men communicate anyways. They are blunt as fuck and don't sugarcoat or minimize.
Any sugarcoating I did just made him think it wasn't important.
It's been 5 years since then and he's gotten SO MUCH better, like 75% improvement. Getting him on adhd meds and a CPAP also really resulted in huge jumps of his ability to get stuff done.