Unhelpful husband
- Thread starter rubbles
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jamesmason10
New member
@jamesmason10 Because my suggestion is more of a nudge to prepare for a life without him. Take care of herself and child(ren) and forget him.
@rubbles You need to put him on notice. Really. He is not performing up to even par standard as a partner. Lay out your expectations of him clearly and give him a timeframe to improve and what the consequences will be if he does not change his ways in that time. Then see what happens. If he doesn’t do anything or keeps it up for a week or two only… well, you have your answer.
jamesmason10
New member
@rubbles I got extremely brutally honest with mine. It pissed him off so much, but I just did not let it slide and did not try to mollify his feelings or humiliation. I took a very "I don't want to be married to an idiot, so don't fucking act like one" tone.
When he "didn't see" a mess? I asked him how the fuck he drove to work every day. Seeing dishes in the sink is WAY less complicated than navigating through busy traffic. Did he expect me to believe that his eyes only activated when his ass hit the driver's seat?
When he "didn't think" he could do something right? I'd ask him how he did [task] at work, which is way more complicated. If he couldn't figure [domestic task] out, then he's being stupid and I didn't think for a second that he was that stupid. So either he's lying to me or he's too dumb to figure out [domestic task]? Which one is it?
He didn't know how to do something? I'd point at his phone (which was in his hand constantly) and ask if he had forgotten how to use Google. I'd repeat my "so, I don't think you're so dumb that you don't remember how to use google, so I'm honestly curious how a grown ass man can't ask the internet how to do a damn chore. Is there something wrong with your fingers? Can you type?" with a very pointed, but still concerned tone.
I only had to do it for a week or two (at that point, I was so done that I was seriously considering divorce, so I didn't care if I pissed him off anymore). But he realized he wasn't getting away with BS anymore and that I was THAT pissed. He was angry but I just walked away and did something else and left him to stew.
And then, later, I realized that this sort of criticism is how a lot of men communicate anyways. They are blunt as fuck and don't sugarcoat or minimize.
Any sugarcoating I did just made him think it wasn't important.
It's been 5 years since then and he's gotten SO MUCH better, like 75% improvement. Getting him on adhd meds and a CPAP also really resulted in huge jumps of his ability to get stuff done.
When he "didn't see" a mess? I asked him how the fuck he drove to work every day. Seeing dishes in the sink is WAY less complicated than navigating through busy traffic. Did he expect me to believe that his eyes only activated when his ass hit the driver's seat?
When he "didn't think" he could do something right? I'd ask him how he did [task] at work, which is way more complicated. If he couldn't figure [domestic task] out, then he's being stupid and I didn't think for a second that he was that stupid. So either he's lying to me or he's too dumb to figure out [domestic task]? Which one is it?
He didn't know how to do something? I'd point at his phone (which was in his hand constantly) and ask if he had forgotten how to use Google. I'd repeat my "so, I don't think you're so dumb that you don't remember how to use google, so I'm honestly curious how a grown ass man can't ask the internet how to do a damn chore. Is there something wrong with your fingers? Can you type?" with a very pointed, but still concerned tone.
I only had to do it for a week or two (at that point, I was so done that I was seriously considering divorce, so I didn't care if I pissed him off anymore). But he realized he wasn't getting away with BS anymore and that I was THAT pissed. He was angry but I just walked away and did something else and left him to stew.
And then, later, I realized that this sort of criticism is how a lot of men communicate anyways. They are blunt as fuck and don't sugarcoat or minimize.
Any sugarcoating I did just made him think it wasn't important.
It's been 5 years since then and he's gotten SO MUCH better, like 75% improvement. Getting him on adhd meds and a CPAP also really resulted in huge jumps of his ability to get stuff done.
vanessawilson29
New member
stumblingman
New member
@machoke47 This is really the way. I hope it continues to improve for you.
metalgreymon
New member
@rubbles This could have been written by me. I carry the larger financial burden and my job (usually) requires significantly more hours than his. He is self-employed and can essentially set his own schedule, yet somehow I am also the default parent. I take full mental load and he refuses to event attempt to understand what that means when I try to express my frustration.
I do 90% of the cooking. Recently I have attempted to set a new standard that he must be 100% responsible for putting at least 1 meal on the table a week. That means one evening where I can sit and play with my daughter uninterrupted while he figures out how to feed us by himself. 3 of the last 4 weeks his answer has been take-out and he won’t acknowledge why this upsets me. Because that’s a take-out night that comes out of our budget and I wind up with the responsibility to compensate with more meal planning and cooking.
I love him, I really really do. He’s wonderful with our daughter and our division of labor isn’t ALWAYS this bad, but he has a physical job and he’s constantly exhausted. As I write this, he is fully asleep next to me at 8:45pm while I cannot relax until I finish packing the whole family (including him) for the Thanksgiving haul to my parents. And he can’t understand why I want to leave at 5am, so we can have a prayer that our 11-month old, who suddenly hates her car seat, actually sleeps for part of the drive. So again, mental load to do it “right” is on me because he is so tired he fell asleep in his jeans.
We’ve always wanted at least 2 kids, but I’ve recently told him I won’t take my IUD out until he is able to take on more responsibility at home. Which may mean figuring out a way to step back from the physical aspect of his job, which he does not seem to want. We’ll see what happens…
I do 90% of the cooking. Recently I have attempted to set a new standard that he must be 100% responsible for putting at least 1 meal on the table a week. That means one evening where I can sit and play with my daughter uninterrupted while he figures out how to feed us by himself. 3 of the last 4 weeks his answer has been take-out and he won’t acknowledge why this upsets me. Because that’s a take-out night that comes out of our budget and I wind up with the responsibility to compensate with more meal planning and cooking.
I love him, I really really do. He’s wonderful with our daughter and our division of labor isn’t ALWAYS this bad, but he has a physical job and he’s constantly exhausted. As I write this, he is fully asleep next to me at 8:45pm while I cannot relax until I finish packing the whole family (including him) for the Thanksgiving haul to my parents. And he can’t understand why I want to leave at 5am, so we can have a prayer that our 11-month old, who suddenly hates her car seat, actually sleeps for part of the drive. So again, mental load to do it “right” is on me because he is so tired he fell asleep in his jeans.
We’ve always wanted at least 2 kids, but I’ve recently told him I won’t take my IUD out until he is able to take on more responsibility at home. Which may mean figuring out a way to step back from the physical aspect of his job, which he does not seem to want. We’ll see what happens…
theisticlogicianlogoninon
New member
@restyvill Don’t you dare pack anything for him.
@theisticlogicianlogoninon Totally fair point. Some days I just can’t fight the good fight and I need to take the path of least resistance for my own sanity. Tomorrow my mom will gladly watch my baby and I will get a nap, I just need to get there.
In the meantime, he’s in for some serious “communication time” during our drive haha
In the meantime, he’s in for some serious “communication time” during our drive haha
@restyvill Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am in a similar boat. I would say keep that IUD in until he proves it, for real. You have to almost explain it, multiple times, that you want him to understand the dinners (and other expectations) you want from him.
However, for us we have reached a point where he works extra to pay for eating out and maid service and child service. He has basically preferred to work extra to pay for services to do his portion of work. It used to drive me crazy but it is how he functions. I really love my husband too so I get that feeling of frustration. We have 3 kids and he stepped up a lot for the third, which was a relief. Because I see his change I'm going to go for the 4th (we are crazy I know). But if he hadnt stepped up, no way would I even consider it.
However, for us we have reached a point where he works extra to pay for eating out and maid service and child service. He has basically preferred to work extra to pay for services to do his portion of work. It used to drive me crazy but it is how he functions. I really love my husband too so I get that feeling of frustration. We have 3 kids and he stepped up a lot for the third, which was a relief. Because I see his change I'm going to go for the 4th (we are crazy I know). But if he hadnt stepped up, no way would I even consider it.
@sultannns Holy crap, 4 kids. Good for you, I’m barely able to wrap my mind around 2. I appreciate this perspective and I don’t hate your point, maybe there’s work we can do in our budget to find the extra resources.
Opposite your husband, mine says he’s considering a step back from his work if we had a second and doing the SAHP thing, but this idea is hilarious to me at this point, given that he tries anything to rely on me to “lead” any parenting activity - I’m talking basic stuff like meals and nap time. Admittedly, I’ve enabled a lot here to avoid feeling like a ‘nag’ all the time. I also work from home, so there’s a real recipe for boundary pushing disaster, as things are now.
The challenge is, we’re both pushing 40 and his work is only going to get more physically taxing as he gets older and I don’t want to wait too much longer before trying for another. Something’s gotta give!
Opposite your husband, mine says he’s considering a step back from his work if we had a second and doing the SAHP thing, but this idea is hilarious to me at this point, given that he tries anything to rely on me to “lead” any parenting activity - I’m talking basic stuff like meals and nap time. Admittedly, I’ve enabled a lot here to avoid feeling like a ‘nag’ all the time. I also work from home, so there’s a real recipe for boundary pushing disaster, as things are now.
The challenge is, we’re both pushing 40 and his work is only going to get more physically taxing as he gets older and I don’t want to wait too much longer before trying for another. Something’s gotta give!
jamesmason10
New member
@restyvill Yeah, I only had one child in the end because I just couldn't do it alone. Mine also has a physical job and just goes to sleep all the time. I definitely don't do his packing though, and he always forgets things so we have to go and buy stuff.