@pkhaney Sorry, you're doing all the housework and on nights off he just does video games and Netflix?
My dude can fold laundry, meal plan, put grocery orders together, clean, do dishes, put oatmeal in the crockpot for breakfast, I meannnn
There's so much he could be doing to help you and do his share of the work around the house and he's not. My husband was a resident working 60hr weeks average (some months were nights) when we had our first and he did a hell of a lot more for us than your husband seems to be.
Just saying.
I think he's cheating too, he's acting so sus and not like he actually wants to be a family man
@pkhaney Kind of feels like he should not be in law enforcement if he cannot separate his work from home. That’s not healthy or safe for either part of his life. He seems unhappy in his work and that spills over to his home life. I suggest him finding a job that makes him feel happy and fulfilled.
@pkhaney Please connect with other LEO wives. If not locally, find a group even nationwide. Many people are suggesting an affair and maybe that's the case. Is his overtime check reflecting all the overtime hours he's putting in? It sounds like he's not adjusting to the schedule. Night time shift work is HARD. Is he at a smaller agency? Overtime is harder to escape and there is so much more expected of them. Non regular sleep patterns are so taxing on the mind and body. He's sounds depressed. And it's even more depressing to miss all the family life and watching your kids growing up. It's like they may be physically present, but their mind is somewhere else. The not being able to turn work off is concerning. He needs professional help and maybe he should consider taking leave if he can. I know that's difficult with law enforcement.
I know this cannot be easy for you. You are holding the home together and raising the kids just about alone. You also are supporting your husband. I truly hope you find support in your new city for yourself as well. Good luck OP.
@pkhaney Do you not wonder what’s on his phone because something clearly caused him to look on your phone and I can’t I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t his own guilty conscience?
@pkhaney It’s a typical burnout. His behavior change matches the timeline with starting work and work burden. He’s emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted which is why he’s sleeping all day, losing interest in daily pleasures, overall carrying negative attitude about himself and others. Of course, his behavior of going through your data was wrong. But he coud also be in a bad place emotionally and projecting his fears. If he’s never done this before and it has come out now along with his burnout symptoms, then it’s situational and fixable. His offer for you to get out could be stemming from a place of low self esteem that he doesn’t deserve you and feels sorry for himself. There’s still a lot of stigma around burnout in men-dominated jobs and so he may not be opening up fully with anyone. He needs help and at the very least a change in his work life balance.
@pkhaney My first thought was that he was looking for evidence that you’re either cheating or planning to leave him to give him an excuse to cheat himself (potential new hobby).
@pkhaney It’s time to do your own investigation….start by looking at his FB work page..see who the women are, look for any clues. Sorry you are going through this Hope it’s nothing, but just seems off.
@pkhaney He needs a different profession. That clearly isn’t working out for him. I would change all my passwords and passcodes and keep them separate from him personally until he’s earned my trust back. I mean the violation of trust is just absolutely obtuse. He’s treating you like a criminal, one of his investigations. That’s sad.
@pkhaney I don’t see anyone mentioning this, but it’s also possible he’s experiencing post partum depression. I think additional therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, scheduling in workout and family time, and looking into how he can get off these night shifts would all be helpful.
@pkhaney He’s cheating and feeling guilty, so he’s projecting. He looked through all your stuff so if he found something he can blame you instead of his shitty self. He “gave you an out” so that once again, he can blame you for leaving and start dating his affair partner free of judgement. Also, he’s now watching everything you do so be careful. Probably even knows you posted this.
@pkhaney Night shift isn't for everyone. In addition to counseling, can he go to a day or even swing shift?
My husband works nights and it's a delicate balance to schedule enough time for him to sleep, me to catch up on sleep, Family time and running a house. It's possible, it just takes good communication, patience and flexibility. But...when he works to much or doesn't sleep well it throws him out of whack, I can just see the exhaustion in his face. Is he new to this shift?
@pkhaney He has a night job that is also a high stress one. He’s not coping and he’s not going to get better without some therapy. Ask him to start individual therapy and possibly couples therapy so he can have more control over his mental health and you both can learn tools to make life easier and better for the kids.
This type of scenario is a warning. There is a reason why police spouses have such a high DV victim rate. Please please please help him get help. Motivate him to do this because this isn’t sustainable for him and he’s not going to magically be better and adjust.
@pkhaney I didn’t get through all the comments but I wanted to add that men can get post partum depression too. You all have had a lot of changes in a short amount of time and that on top of his sleep schedule being erratic could definitely be sending him into depression. It’s good he’s starting therapy and hopefully that helps get to the root of the problem. I hope things get better for you that’s a lot to handle on your own
Hope it’s nothing, but just seems off.