Q+A Part 2: WTT

[jesusismyking2023]

@britebore I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

[britebore]

@jesusismyking2023 I'll do the same for you!

 

[dukeofwa]

@britebore Rock! We drew

 

[lissieee]

@britebore About your grandma... firstly, I'm so sorry and I totally feel you. Both of my grannies are in their 70s and have been struggling with cancer over the last few years and I 10000% want them there on my wedding day and when I have a baby. Second, have you confided in your DH about that? In my case, our wedding is coming first and I told my FH that if either of my grandmas takes a turn for the worse I want to move the wedding sooner. Do you think your DH would be receptive to talking about that seriously for your TTC timeline? It's a very valid thing to want.

 

[britebore]

@lissieee To use your pattern, first I'm sorry about your grannies too! It really sucks when they aren't doing well. And cancer suuuuucks!!!

Secondly, I have but I'm not sure I've made it clear how much of a desperate situation it is to me. I'm kind of afraid to? He's already moved it up a fair bit. Originally it was a five-seven year deal, then three, and now two. I guess I'm worried that I'd be asking too much and that he would resent me if he didn't get enough "freedom time" or whatever it is he's after.

On the flip side, I'm afraid that I'll never forgive him if something happens to her before we have kids. (Within reason. I mean if she suddenly took a turn tomorrow I would understand there was nothing we could have done.) It sounds so harsh but honestly I think it'll just always be one of those sticking points I have in the back of my head. Which sucks because I feel like we've made it through so much without any resentment. (Mostly depression on both of our parts and huge family drama on his side.)

I just don't know how to say " hey so we need to hurry up and have a kid because I'm scared I'm going to resent you but please don't resent me." Ya know? Gah! It's so hard! I feel like I've thought about it so much that none of it makes sense anymore. I don't know how much is reasonable and how much isn't at this point.

 

[lissieee]

@britebore Maybe I'm biased but I think you're being perfectly reasonable feeling that way. This is so tricky because of course you want him to want to TTC as much as you do, but IMO you need to talk to him about how you are feeling, because it's a big deal. Maybe you should bring it up more as like "I've been worried about my gran and having some thoughts that I would really like to talk through with you." Have it be a discussion more about exploring your feelings of sadness and fear that she won't be there to see your child, rather than as an ultimatum where you're like "we have to do it now!" I wonder if he would see your side more clearly if you just laid it all out.

 

[britebore]

@lissieee I think you're right. My mom (who I literally go to with everything) also thinks it's justified but has been staying the freak out of it.

I definitely agree I need to talk to him. I guess I've been putting it off because I know I definitely need to do it in a somewhat rational manner. Explain how I feel without any ultimatums or anything. It's just tricky so I've been sitting on it. But I do think I need to work up the courage and organize my thoughts enough to have a discussion about it.

I'm so much better about putting my thoughts into words on paper than verbally. I might sit in the same room and text him. Weirdly enough I feel like texting helps my communication a ton. Gives me time to think about what I'm saying and not shut down. I could also right some bullet points on my feelings to stay on track. Hmmm, some things to think about!

Thanks! You've made me feel soooooo much better honestly. It's good to know I'm not totally crazy yet

 

[lissieee]

@britebore What I do sometimes is write out exactly what I want to say beforehand, and then I kind of mentally go over it for a day or two, tweaking it...I don't actually read off the paper when I'm with the person but I sort of memorize it haha. It really helps. I'm glad I made you feel better! Seriously, F cancer!

 

[britebore]

@lissieee That's what I think I'm going to do! Plus maybe I'll figure out some of my own thoughts on the subject as I write it down.

Ugh! Cancer is the worst! My mom had the exact same kind but luckily the treatment had gotten a lot better so it didn't damage her body near as much.

 

[lissieee]

@britebore Omg, so glad your mom is ok! Ugh.

Good luck!!

 

[joslyn04]

@bernard222

1. DH wanted us to be living together for 18 months before trying, which will put our TTC date in December. I'm ok with it. No other reason.
2. I honestly don't know. I went from childfree to maybe to ok within 2 years. I wasn't planning anything until we bought the house in '16. All our friends (and I mean ALL of them) had babies in the last three years. That kind of sparked something in me too. 3 of the girls got pregnant within a month of each other, and I got baby envies.
3. December (it's both so soon and so far).
4. He feels good about the date, and it gives him he impression of control. I know him enough to know that insisting or discussing things to much makes him anxious so I don't bug him with it. We discuss names, parenting, ideas, reactions but not the actual process. We agreed on a folic acid timeline together and I took the steps to make it happen. We discussed a pre-TTC medical and I went.
5. Keep my anxiety at bay is a lifetime goal.
6. None
7. Not really. I'm 36 and worried about infertility. I don't want questions, or people breathing down my neck. No one knows the date. In laws knows it's coming. Friends know we are thinking about it. My parents, who cannot be happy for anyone, are on a serious information diet.
8. ???
9. VERY worried about fertility. Moderately worried about about my age, but I cannot change that. Hope I won't go overboard with temping, charting,... I promessed myself I would keep it low key AT LEAST 6 months before going all out.
10. Hell yeah

 

[janimelody]

@joslyn04 I just want to echo the process of going from 'nah' to 'meh' to 'ok' to 'BABIES!!!' (Your number 2 comment). I haven't always wanted kids, or dreamed of being a mother etc etc. But I do now ... all sparked by a friend of mine having her son 2 years ago. I'm not a maternal person, so it was the first time I looked at a child and felt something other than indifference.

And then spent the next year thinking 'Huh! Apparently I want a baby? Do I? Let's think about this? Yup! Ok!'

 

[joslyn04]

@janimelody Sounds very similar to my process! Once I figured out that our babies will most likely take after us, or even better, take after my brilliant, kind and funny husband, I warmed up to the idea. According to our parents, we were also the easiest children you can imagine...

I'm still kind of meh about other people's babies.

 

[dorsettmm]

@joslyn04 I just wanted to say, my mom had her first kid at 35 and had me at 39, she got pregnant both times in the first two cycles of trying - yes, studies show it might be harder, but it doesn't mean that you will absolutely definitely have problems or complications getting pregnant.

 

[joslyn04]

@dorsettmm Thanks! My mom had an oups-baby at 42, my grand-mother had her last (of 13!) past 50, and my great-aunt too. I come from a family of older mothers. I hope I have their genetic...

 

[anonymouspractioner]

@joslyn04 I feel you on the fertility issue. I’m also a little paranoid about chromosomal abnormalities and trying hard to get pregnant only to have to terminate due to a sever defect. Basically, I educated myself really well on all the things that can go wrong.

But I remind myself that even with our “advanced maternal age”, statistics are basically in our favor.

Life finds a way, and all that.

 

[koroman]

@bernard222

1. We moved to a new city for me to start my job, and I wanted to be in the job and city at least a year before we started trying.
2. About a year now since acknowledging we'd like to have children sooner rather than later.
3. In January (so our 3rd wedding anniversary) or earlier depending on when we finish this box of condoms!
4. Initially my husband wanted to wait until we owned a house, but after looking at the numbers we settled for trying before home ownership (having both done PhDs we started earning real salaries later compared to most). He's generally been the sensible one as he's not at the mercy of his hormones!
5. 3 goals. Finally sort out the spare room! Put pictures on the walls, and get ourselves the last bit of furniture for the house.
6. We've done the big one, our honeymoon to Japan. So not really!
7. My BFF who lives in the states knows, but that's it. Our families know we'd like children (as we've kept the top tier of our wedding cake) and have actually told us to not rush to have kids!
8. Sometimes waiting has been sad and lonely when the hormones make me really broody. Otherwise I know it's been a really sensible time to get settled here.
9. The big fear obviously is that we aren't able to conceive naturally. The second fear is that I hate the smell of semen! And as we've always used condoms I've been able to avoid it. Obviously the dream is first couple of months after a lovely evening in
10. Yes!

 

[lindalee1456]

@koroman Man, putting pictures on the walls. That's a good goal lol. I might add that to my list. Maybe for our 2nd anniversary next month we'll hang up some wedding photos hahahaha.

Also, I know it's tradition to keep the top tier of the wedding cake, but I've never heard it relating to kids- what's that all about?

 

[koroman]

@lindalee1456 You keep the top tier for the first kids christening, traditionally. But we probably will go for a dedication or something, but still keeping the cake.
And we've been in our house nearly a year and still not hung pictures, bought frames months ago...

 

[lindalee1456]

@koroman Huh! I have never heard that! TIL