Q+A Part 2: WTT

@bernard222 We are waiting because we wanted our LO to turn one and for my husband to take the bar one last time (This will be his 4th time) Either way after this attempt he'll be done with it.

We have been waiting for about 6 months

February

He is the one making us wait, so he is fine with waiting, not sure he is 100 percent on board with starting in February but he gets why I want to try

1 finish up the little tasks around the house 2 Get to 140 pounds 3 get my LO to sleep through the night

Nah, we can't really afford to take a non family related trip, although I do want to go on a "bestiemoon" with my best friend

Yeah we are pretty open about it

I am scared about needing a hystro before we can start trying since that is a big thing in my family, maybe not getting to try for a third

Having it take a while, which is unfounded since with our first it only took 2 cycles.

Sure why not.
 
@bernard222 Yeah it started right after I got married and her and I went on a trip just the two of us, and now every year we go on a long weekend trip just the two of us. I think this year we are going to save up and do that whole mystery trip thing.
 
@bernard222
  1. Waiting to graduate college and for one of us to be in a job with health insurance
  2. 4 years so far
  3. It keeps changing, but I'm hoping summer 2019
  4. He's all for the waiting. Some days, he says taking about kids stresses him out. Other days, he gets worried that something will make it so we don't have kids
  5. Losing weight/getting healthier, graduating college, and getting a job with full benefits
  6. I'm going to take a few weeks off after graduation, and my husband wants to go on a vacation after my first year of work
  7. When we got married, we told anyone that asked that we had a 3-5 year plan. So they're all expecting any time now xD
  8. /.9I've been worried about infertility since I was a kid and has some issues in high school that may have affected my ability to have kids. I'm worried that when we try, I'll find out I can't...
  9. They're not too bad ;)
 
@bernard222
  1. We're waiting because my partner isn't ready yet.
  2. I've been waiting about four years. A more fair estimate is two years, though, since it really wasn't reasonable for us to try before that.
  3. We have currently agreed to try in February or March, but I honestly no longer believe my partner's estimates. I'm sure he'll push it back again when February rolls around.
  4. How does he feel? He'd like another five years to wait. But we're getting old and we don't have another five years. He says he'd rather have kids before he's ready than miss the chance to have kids with me altogether.
  5. I've already accomplished everything I want to do before we start trying. We bought a house, I'm in good health, my career is stable, etc. I guess I could save more money?
  6. Nope, we've already taken our last vacation before TTC. Hawaii this last May.
  7. Yeah, some people know my timeline. My bestie at work knows. I need someone to vent to every time my partner pushes it back. :p
  8. I'm afraid we'll wait too long and I won't be able to conceive when we do start.
  9. I'm afraid that if we start now that my partner will resent having a baby appear in his life and then eventually resent me too.
  10. Yes! :)
 
@jesusismyking2023 I feel you on this. I also fear that when our planned TTC date gets here, my husband will push it back. It took a long time for him to get comfortable even talking about TTC, and then he was like “sometime, but first I want us to [insert vague relationship aspiration here].”

I ended up telling him that having kids was incredibly important to me, and that as much as I loved him, if he didn’t want kids, we needed to break up. I told him that being past my mid thirties and him in his forties, it was pretty much now or never for us, especially because he says that he wants two kids. He said he understood but could we take one more big “hard” international trip. We’re doing that in December, and hence the January TTC date.

But I still worry he’s not going to be ready to pull the trigger when the time comes. He is starting to talk more about kids, and is getting some genetic carrier tests we need, so I /think/ he’s in it. But I’m still nervous. And if he tries to push the date out, what do I do then?

So I feel you.
 
@anonymouspractioner Oh dang. I feel you too. I wanted to have had at least ONE kid before I turned 30, and we're now looking at me being 33/34 when our first kid is born. He's still saying he wants two, so... we're getting pretty close to that "now or never" deadline. It's hard for me to tell where I put my foot down, though.

The most painful thing is that we've pushed our timeline back one month at a time all year. I finally told him this month that the uncertainty was driving me actually insane, and I needed to either start trying now or to push it back in larger increments so I can get out of the "my body needs to be ready to go in case he makes up his mind" phase. One month at a time is just too stressful. But it's sort of like I shot myself in the foot; to release the anxiety of not knowing what we're doing in two weeks, I've set it up so we're waiting another six months, which feels like an eternity. And he's pushed it so many times I don't believe he won't push it again.

So I dunno. If yours tries to push your date back again, what do you think you might say to him?

Also, where are you going in December? :)
 
@jesusismyking2023 Oh my God, it would drive me insane to have this month by month pushback. I think you are right that you needed to stop that. But it sounds like you may need to have a conversation about how important it is to make your date six months out pretty firm. That is essentially what I did with my husband, and the January date, I said he could push this out a bit, but we needed a hard and fast deadline, which I set. I told him that I was simply not comfortable starting to try for kids later than that date.

Honestly, if he tries to push the date out when we hit January, that may be the end of the relationship. I really don’t think he would do that, because I have been very honest with him that I cannot wait any longer and that this is essential to the relationship lasting. But because he isn’t as enthusiastic as some of the partners of people I see on this subreddit, I get nervous. Will I have to choose between this person I love and having children?

So I guess that’s what I would tell him if he tried to push the date out again. I would tell him that he is pushing me into a corner of having to choose between two very important things in my life. And I come from a large and loving family, and honestly just cannot imagine not having a family of my own. He knows this about me, and I think in the end, we are not going to have a problem. But I am glad I have been very honest with him about this.

This is sort of a ramble, I am sorry.

And we don’t know where we are going in December! Husband hates planning. All I know is too many places have Zika. I am thinking maybe somewhere in Eastern Europe, near the Adriatic, or southern Africa. Open to suggestions!
 
@anonymouspractioner Yeah, it was definitely making me crazy!

We've talked about the timeline endlessly; he's at least very good about communicating, so I bring it up all the time. He does know that I don't believe he won't push it back again, but I think you may be right that a hard and fast deadline is in order. I've tried to resist giving him an ultimatum (and have in fact assured him repeatedly that I will not leave him if he decides he does not want to have kids - a very painful choice, but one I think is right for me), but I have said a couple times that we're approaching the point where I need a definite "yes, now" or a "no, we're not doing this." So I guess I just need to make it clear that February/March is probably that point.

But because he isn’t as enthusiastic as some of the partners of people I see on this subreddit, I get nervous. Will I have to choose between this person I love and having children?
Click to expand...

So yeah. This, exactly!

I think your approach is solid. I'm hoping mine is too, and I know we'll have many conversations about this between now and February, so I guess I will try to be hopeful that things will actually happen when we get there.

I don't think you rambled, or if you did, I'm doing a lot of it myself. :)

Ugh, Zika! I know. :( I'd been considering planning a 2019 South America total eclipse trip, but I'm not sure yet how that would fall into our timeline if we do want to have two kids...

I don't have any suggestions for you off the top of my head. Eastern Europe or southern Africa both sound like excellent candidates. I'd love to hear more about your trip planning if you want to share as you sort through your options!
 
@jesusismyking2023 It sounds like you’re on the right path! The communication is the key, I think.

Re South America, there’s no Zika in Chile or Uruguay, or up high in the Andes, so you have a few options! And I’ll definitely share more once we know more about our coming trip...
 
@bernard222
  1. We want to be in the best possible position to have kids.
  2. We've always talked about having kids eventually, but I guess actively waiting, it's been about a year.
  3. We are still figuring this one out. We will decide in January if we can start in March2018, or October 2018.
  4. He's on the same boat as me, minus the intense baby fever. He wants kids, but we both know that the longer we wait the better position we will be in (mentally, financially, career-wise, etc).
  5. A) Save up for a down payment AND emergency fund. B) Get healthier (I have an autoimmune/thyroid issue that may eventually play a part, and both of us want to lose some weight). C) Maybe buy a house, maybe figure out my next career move.
  6. I think there's one vacation we'd like to make happen, but if it doesn't we'll be ok. I'm going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks (!!!!!) and then we will both travel to Mexico City in November. If the last one is possible, we'd like to go to Spain and Morocco next year at some point.
  7. Nope. I don't talk about it outside of here! (well, in-laws, parets, siblings know we want kids, just no details)
  8. I want a better job, and I hope DH gets his promotion!
  9. With my autoimmune/thyroid issue I almost expect we'll have issues. I just hope the issue isn't infertility. I also hope that it won't take forever to find out one way or another.
  10. Yes!
 
@bernard222
  1. We are waiting to be married first
  2. Personally, I've been waiting forever, lol. I have wanted to be a mom since I was like 5. Realistically, with my FH, we had the "timeline" talk in February so it has been 7 months. (but I was on this sub for a few months before that)
  3. We will start trying basically on our wedding day, so August 2018... 10.5 months to go!
  4. He is equally excited about it and likes to talk about it with me, but he doesn't feel like he will be upset if it doesn't happen right away. He knows TTC can take like a year or more and is ok with that.
  5. Top 3 goals before TTC for me: finish writing the book I'm working on now, get a new job with maternity leave, and get married!!
  6. We have a few trips planned (Disney and Florida) but the big one is our honeymoon! We are planning to do a honeymoon in Italy and then a babymoon in Hawaii! (Edit: a babymoon whenever I'm actually pregnant. Not sure if babymoon signifies pre-TTC or just pre-baby haha)
  7. Nah. My mom, sisters, and some of my friends know that I want to have a baby pretty much right away after marriage but I don't confide in them about it and I'm not going to tell them when we're actively trying.
  8. My fear is that I'll go crazy with the waiting and then the crazy will translate into being really paranoid and controlling when we're actually TTC, lol!
  9. Hopes: that it will happen on the first try!!! Fears....that it will take forever and that I'll get neurotic about it.
  10. Yes, the questionnaires are fun!
 
@bernard222
  1. Mainly for financial reasons. I have quite a bit of student loan debt that I would like to aggressively pay off in the next 2-3 years. I would also like to optimize who I am as a person physically and spiritually. DH would like to wait a few more years to just be selfish as a couple together.
  2. I go back and forth with bouts of baby rabies and feeling like I could hold off a few years but I would say in general I've been waiting a little over a year at this point.
  3. We will start trying in the summer of 2019. I want a spring baby :)
  4. Oops I already answered this but my husband was super gung ho about making babies as soon as possible given my student loan debt until we got a puppy. Then he got a taste of what it was like to care for a small mammal and decided he was okay having minimum responsibility for a few more years.
  5. So goals for myself would be paying off my student loan debt, losing 20 pounds/being as healthy as possible, and getting a good spiritual foundation for myself with mediation/yoga/gratitude.
  6. In the next year we will be doing some US traveling to Idaho/California and Florida (we live in upstate NY). And then next fall we are going to Italy. I would also like to fit in a trip to Japan and possibly Bali before the baby if time allows.
  7. Yep, pretty much my whole family and a few friends.
  8. My hopes about waiting are that I can get some of my personal and financial obstacles out of the way so I can give motherhood everything I've got. My fears are that because we won't be able to have 4 kids like we've wanted because I'll be starting at 29. We could always adopt the last one however.
  9. My hopes about TTC are that it stays light and fun and not methodical, and that it doesn't take more than a few months. My fears are that my husband will push the time line back further.
Should we continue these questionnaires? :) HELL YES, such a great idea!
 
@bernard222
  1. We were trying to time all this around me being able to travel in April (so I shouldn't be "too" pregnant in the unlikely event that I'd get pregnant fast), and in December.
  2. We've been waiting since August 1st, which is when my husband let me know he'd like to start trying.
  3. We'll start trying our next cycle, which will start mid-October if I continue to have regular cycles.
  4. He's excited!
  5. I'd like to lose about 3 kg, for the most part. Maybe empty and organize the basement.
  6. Not before TTC.
  7. My mom knows my timeline in great detail, nobody else does. A very close friend knows we'll start trying soon, and a somewhat close friend also knows vaguely, but that's about it.
  8. Well, I just want the wait to end, mainly :-D
  9. I am just hoping it won't take a long time to get pregnant, that'd be a real bummer. I know it can be normal for it to take even quite a while, but still hoping it goes somewhat fast (1-3 months). I also have no idea about whether either of us has any fertility issues, so that is a slight concern in the back of my mind.
  10. YES!!!!
 
@bernard222 Why are you waiting? Want more money save, don't feel adult enough.

How long have you been waiting? I don't know, I always knew I wanted kids but I knew my OH was the one I wanted them with when I saw him playing with our niece about 2 years ago.

When will you start trying? My thing says January but we keep saying December when we talk about it.

How does your SO feel about waiting and trying? Nervous, scared but excited

What are your top 3 goals you'd like to accomplish before TTC? Both learn to drive and have cars, buy a house and have jobs we can support a family with.

Any trips/vacations you'd like to take before TTC? We just did Disney world but are contemplating pushing it back and taking a trip to a 5* adults only hotel next spring or early summer.

Does anyone in your personal life know about your wait/TTC timeline? I mentioned it in passing that we were thinking about kids next year to my best friend but that's about it.

What are your hopes and fears about waiting?
Pass, this one isn't making sense to me.

What are your hopes and fears about TTC?
Hope it happens fast for us, scared it will take ages.

Should we continue these questionnaires?
Don't see why not. It helps me sort my mind out with thoughts and feelings without feelin like in annoying by posting in irrelevant places.
 
@bernard222
  1. Why are you waiting?

    Several reasons - a) we went to place with potential Zika exposure for our honeymoon in June (4 months ago), so we would need to wait till at least year-end to TTC b) I've got some big career related travel next spring and I don't want to be suffering with morning sickness or dealing with TTC stuff then. So that puts us at next summer (2018) to start TTC.
  2. How long have you been waiting?
    I've definitely always wanted to be a mom, but I started getting major baby fever (and joined this sub) back in June when I got married. I think that's when I started seeing a baby as a real possibility. Before that I was more focused on career stuff and tried not to think about babies. It was just easier to stay focused on my career (which I really do love).
  3. When will you start trying?
    The plan is to start trying next summer.
  4. How does your SO feel about waiting and trying?
    My husband definitely wants to wait for now. He's agreed it makes sense to try next summer. I don't think he really understands the "baby fever" I have!
  5. What are your top 3 goals you'd like to accomplish before TTC?
    • Get my credentials for my field (have to pass 2 additional licensing exams - trying to keep it non-specific so I don't reveal what field I work in since it's kind of a small field!)
    • Get in better physical shape (I've been doing better at working out but I want to keep working on my strength training...currently non-existent haha!)
    • I need to work with my doctor to change one of my meds to one that is TTC/pregnancy friendly...I still have time to make the switch obviously but I need to make sure I take care of that.
  6. Any trips/vacations you'd like to take before TTC?
    Not in particular - I have family (parents) in the area so even post-kids, we will be lucky to have people who want to watch the baby while we go for a weekend away (and we aren't really big travelers) :)
  7. Does anyone in your personal life know about your wait/TTC timeline?
    I've talked with my mom about it and my friend.
  8. What are your hopes and fears about waiting?
    Mostly afraid of waiting too long and then realizing that we have fertility issues. I think at the same time, I want us to be in the best position possible career-wise and also just feeling comfortable and settled into a routine with each other before we add a baby.
  9. What are your hopes and fears about TTC?
    Not so much about TTC, but I feel really anxious about how things will work once a baby is in the picture. Are we going to stay in our apartment? Should we try to move to an area with a lower COL (of course then we would be further away from my family - and I am super close to my family and my mother has already offered as much general help as I want)? Will I want to become a SAHM for a period of time (but my career has really been picking up steam)? Or will I be able to negotiate a good part time solution until I'm ready to be full-time again? What will I want to do for child care? All the unknowns make me anxious (I have anxiety issues in general!)
  10. Should we continue these questionnaires? :)
    Yes! :)
 
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