Is OAD becoming more common in part because parenting is harder now?

[corta]

@mikecrb I think women as a whole are becoming more aware of their ability, and the necessity, to take care of themselves first. “Back in the day” if your husband wanted 2 kids then you had 2 kids, because it was your job to be a mother. Your husband didn’t really care how hard it was to take care of 2, because he wasn’t the one caring for them. Women have had their mental health needs eschewed for centuries; you’re burnt out, your uterus is dangerously close to rupturing, you had hard pregnancies, you almost died in child birth, you have no support, having multiple kids sounds like a nightmare… who cares, that’s just part of being a woman and a mother! /s

I think women as a whole are becoming more comfortable with saying “Hey, one kid is hard enough and it’s not worth sacrificing my happiness for more.” Because I’m openly OAD I’ve had more and more moms of 2+ I meet say things to me like “I see the appeal of having one one…” etc. Some women absolutely know they want 2+ kids. A lot just think they were expected to and were too afraid to rock the boat.

 

[cmurawski]

@mikecrb As an outside observer, one thousand percent. Google “intensive parenting” and you will find a lot of articles on how that is the expected norm. The AAP sleep guidelines might be safer but they seem to result in fussy babies and parents who are walking zombies from sleep deprivation. College isn’t a “nice to have” or perk for a smart kid, it’s now a necessity for all kids. Same with extracurriculars. Same with constant adult supervision.

Yes, damn it, it’s gotten a million times harder, and that is one reason I’ve opted out entirely. (With the cost of child care, you’re not off the hook when you’re a grandparent either! Many grandmothers quit to be essentially full-time unpaid nannies and housekeepers.)

 

[plentyofpaper]

@cmurawski Intensive parenting sounds…intense lol. I’m scared to Google it.

 

[pentecostoday]

@mikecrb I agree. Parenting is much harder now. It was normal for my mom's generation for one spouse to stay home and take care of kids until they became more independent and school age. Now most families are dual income and not all women have mat leave benefits. For those women that do have mat leave benefits they don't cover up to school age. And my mom has stories of having a community of other moms with kids around the same age. She just trusted them to take care of her kids when stuff came up last minute and she did the same for other parents. In our generation, I think there's less of that community. I wouldn't trust someone enough to just leave my baby with them unless they're my family. Been exposed to too many news of child abuse, sexual abuse, violence, etc.,

 

[katrina2017]

@mikecrb My mother (boomer) keeps saying “well what happenes if you just leave her in her crib”. Inferring just to let baby cry it out. She cry’s mom that’s what happens. My daughter is 3 months old today and has tummy issues that give her a hard time sleeping. I know there are studies that were conclusive in finding that babies can’t self soothe till they are 6 months. Would it be easier to just abandon her in her crib till she stops? Maybe but god that sounds horrible to me knowing that’s it only teaches her neglect at this age. So I end up holding her all day so she doesn’t cry. It’s hard and I can’t get much done but I’m hoping her tummy issues get better as she ages…. It for some reason bugs my mom that I come to my babies aid every time she cry’s? Like WTH mom of course I do it’s literally her only way of communication at this age and despite what she wants to believe you can’t spoil a newborn….

So yes I agree that with all this new information we have it is harder to parent.

 

[airjordan001]

@katrina2017 Remember you are your mother’s daughter and, if she is anything like me, she is torn between your baby’s needs and yours. She sees you worn out and exhausted and worries for you. My daughter is doing gentle parenting, I support her fully, but it’s hard on her and I see her putting her needs last (just as I did) and I feel so much for her. Us boomers, and I loathe that term, aren’t always being negative. We loved our babies just as much as you love yours. X

 

[katrina2017]

@airjordan001 I really hope that’s all it is. As of now I’ve been avoiding having her over simply because of all the comments I have to ignore. It’s always be polite to your parents but they aren’t polite to their kids.

 

[lyndas]

@mikecrb It’s definitely a factor for my husband and me. I feel like my expectations for parenting are high and I quite honestly only have it in me to do this once. We’ve also committed to no screens before age 3, and keeping our 2 year old engaged and stimulated is a full time job. I’m not sure the previous generations put in this much effort.

 

[loganboo03]

@mikecrb Cost of living and daycare for sure was huge especially with the lack of family support. Babysitters in my area cost a fortune. My son is 5 and we just had our first parent teacher conference. She asked if my son does extracurriculars on weekends. When I asked what the reasoning of this question, she responded that he just us an over active imagination and maybe more structured activities on weekends like his peers would help him. He gets all of his school and HW done on time and has not has issues with attention, but his peers are super scheduled so apparently this is a “thing.” Once a week, 30 minute extracurriculars are averaging $180 per month for each activity- not happening. Guess we will stick with coloring, legos, outdoor play, or the library.

 

[dwalk4life]

@loganboo03 That's so upsetting! My 4yo has a wild imagination too (all day creative play when not in preschool) and I'm actually anxious about grade school bc I'm worried it will "break him" in a sense. How sad imagination isn't valued after age 5. Hypocritical. Honestly I think too much structure would harm these kids, imagination is how they unwind.

When it comes to extras, that's what summer is for. I didn't do extras during the year at that age, but in the summer I did swim lessons or a sport camp or something. But school was enough. Weekend was for chores and having a friend over to play. In middle school I did private piano lessons and played sports but nothing else!

 

[indwelled]

@mikecrb I think there's some truth to this but it also depends on why you're OAD. While I love the idea of a "village" that helps alleviate some of the challenges and isolation of parenting, I also love that being OAD means you get to have a more intimate relationship with your one kid where you have more opportunity to bond with them as an individual, rather than one in a gaggle of kids. Even if I had a village to help with a bunch of kids and unlimited financial resources, I don't think I'd choose that path. A family of three seems much more meaningful and rewarding to me than a big family where people are shouting over each other to be heard.

 

[jasonavery08]

@indwelled That's a lovely perspective!

 

[blzbob]

@mikecrb Not a parent yet (hoping to try for OAD in a year) but I agree with your points and think it’s likely a number of factors. When thinking about parenting, I do think it’s very hands-on these days and there are so many things to do right. It seems daunting at times and I can’t imagine trying to raise more than one kid while being as involved as I want to/feel that I should be.

Cost of living probably plays a big role, as do women prioritizing careers (nothing wrong with being a SAHP of course). I also wonder how much religion has to do with it all. Christianity numbers are falling in the US and there may be less people who are “leaving it up to god” for family planning. I know not all Christians have that mindset or are anti-birth control but some are.

 

[hiccup]

@mikecrb I think a lot of stress is the stress we put on ourselves. Our parents generation was a lot more hands off. We went outside for hours without telling them where we were and that was common. Also, they didn't have the internet to check and re-check every single thing their child did, they didn't have to compete with "perfect parents" online. Their motto was that children fit into their lives bc they weren't changing just bc a kid was born. I rarely saw my parents between them both working full time and having hobbies.

Our generation is very child centered. We give them everything that we have and spend all of our time with them. We make our life around them and what they need. Burnout is more likely when you give that much. We also have much better access to birth control and people put mental health and happiness ahead of doing what people expect. My parents got married right after high school, my dad went to work and my mom stayed home and had kids. That's what was expected. We're better at saying no.

But, I also know that people having children and getting married is decreasing bc how much things cost. Why think about having a kid when you have to work 2 jobs just to have a small apartment with 3 roommates. My SIL has worked at the same job for 12 years and makes great money and her fiance has a good job, too. They can't afford to buy a house. It's insane. My husband is military and we bought at our last base way before the market went crazy. We were actually worried about losing money bc some changes happened at the base. But, then the market went crazy and we made bank when we moved. But, we couldn't afford a new house at our new base even with what we made. We live in a crappy rental that's way overpriced. And, don't get me started on medical costs, awful maternity leave practices and insane expectations for bad jobs. It's just too much for a lot of people.

There's a lot of facets to it. But, you're definitely right.

 

[kai3114]

@mikecrb That agonising pain when your two-week-old ONLY likes to sleep on his stomach but you aren’t allowed to let that happen so instead you raze your mental and physical health to the ground through endless hours of screaming LMAO

 

[branon94]

@mikecrb Having kids in the past was like getting a new pet nowadays. Feed the children and keep a roof over their heads, the only thing about their psychology and personality is that you impose that they should believe in the values and judgments you believe in. In the past, you didn't need to console for two hours because a kid called your kid fat ass in the park like these days lmao

 

[jrchristian]

@mikecrb I think it's cost of (US) living - healthcare, housing, education, etc. Basically everything. Also climate change. No amount of money or love can protect your child from this.

 

[beesting]

@mikecrb It’s so expensive.

 

[shanrose]

@mikecrb I don't think things like in the Twitter thread have made parenting any harder. I think the two biggest factors are cost, and the lack of supports. With so much mobility now to move cities or even countries for school, jobs, partnership, or even recreation, we are so much less likely to be raising children with family nearby. Plus with more women in the workforce (yay!), not only mom but grandma and others, that further reduces the day to day support available. At least that's what my doctor said when I came to her in tears when I was completely falling apart from stress and exhaustion. She diagnosed me with PPD, and said she sees more new moms with it than without it.

 

[antiscientology]

@shanrose This is it for us. We're lucky to be "only" two hours from family. So, no plane tickets and it's day-trippable... but that's zero help for the day-to-day grind.