lukester09
New member
@kerithravine410 Omfg why is this my situation with my boyfriend and my 6 month old
One and done because my partner will never carry the same mental and physical load when it comes to taking care of this child
- Thread starter kerithravine410
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lukester09
New member
“Ask me if you need anything.” Infuriates me too. Like why should we take care of a baby and also tell out adult partner how to take care of THEIR OWN BABY?!
It makes me sad because I always wanted at least 2. But I don’t know if I can do another with an incompetent person like him.
It makes me sad because I always wanted at least 2. But I don’t know if I can do another with an incompetent person like him.
lulzworthy
New member
@kerithravine410 Did I write this in an exhausted blackout and forget?
itsjustme37
New member
@lulzworthy Snort laughed because… right there with you
@kerithravine410 this is sounds a lot like my ex, and I knew I didn’t want kids with him because I’d end up in this exact situation.
babygirl2364
New member
@kerithravine410 You’re already a single parent
@kerithravine410 1 kid is easier than two. Drop the manchild and see that stress lower over night.
jsantiago7305
New member
@kerithravine410 What if it rains took me the fuck out hahah. “If it rains, you have to complete the walk, you cannot come inside until the walk is over. It’s not just allowed” sorry for laughing OP, better laughing than crying they say.
@kerithravine410 I think these people just don’t want to it. Imagine if you wrote a detailed handbook with schedules, suggested meal plans, soothing techniques, etc. They still wouldn’t do it.
chrisbott6
New member
@kerithravine410 I’m like this. My child isn’t the problem. My husband is
@kerithravine410 We are kinda on the opposite side of this where I would love a second, but because my husband was such an equal parent from birth and beyond he is reluctant to do it again cos he knows how hard it is, how much work it is, how much sleep he lost and would lose again, and he just doesn’t know if he has it in him. And that’s with two parents both doing as much as possible for the baby and to support one another. I’ve seen friends with crappy husbands where the husband is like yeah, let’s have another! And they just don’t care cos the burden of care won’t fall on them.
I don’t blame you at all, I’d struggle to respect a man like this and without that basic respect I couldn’t sustain the relationship. We’re not perfect as a couple but we both parent the child we equally created.
I hope you find your way out.
I don’t blame you at all, I’d struggle to respect a man like this and without that basic respect I couldn’t sustain the relationship. We’re not perfect as a couple but we both parent the child we equally created.
I hope you find your way out.
katrina2017
New member
@kerithravine410 Same
And being told “this is what you signed up for” when I express my utter exhaustion
It makes me sad because I wanted more than 1
And being told “this is what you signed up for” when I express my utter exhaustion
It makes me sad because I wanted more than 1
@kerithravine410 This 1000% , I am on the fence about another because I know itll all fall on me as it does now. I only work part time but I know baby’s routine and needs aren’t being met how they should
@kerithravine410 What are you doing on this page? You clearly have 2 children!
But seriously, as a Dad, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I could never do that to my wife.
But seriously, as a Dad, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I could never do that to my wife.
@kerithravine410 Had an old colleague decide her partner wasn't doing enough. Around when the baby was four months old, she told him she was busy friday-saturday nights. She'd check herself into the hotel after work and come home Saturday afternoon. He was responsible for picking up the baby and everything until Saturday evening. She told him if he didn't pick up the slack, she'd take the whole weekend.
catlover88
New member
@kerithravine410 A very good work friend of mine currently doesn’t have kids, but he wants kids very much. I said that’s great, but just make sure you do 50% of the work. He then asked me if my husband did that with our son (diapers, feedings, etc). I said yes, and it was STILL incredibly hard on me as the mother and after having one -even with an equally involved partner- we both are OAD. Fwiw I didn’t tell him not to have two, but I did tell him to be involved and take it one kid at a time to see how it goes.
My friend has a sister whose partner doesn’t do fuckall with their kid. Never changed a single diaper or anything. Part of that is culturally normal according to him, but my friend is different than his BIL and really seems to want to be an involved dad when the time comes.
Whether he has one kid or two (or more) I hope he will continue to ask me for advice and about family life with the same interest and desire to learn as he has in the past.
Edit to add: I see tons of men like OP’s partner and it’s awful. Then there are men like my friend who maybe experienced something similar in life but want to do better. OP, you deserve a partner who does their fair share. Whether that’s your husband or not, I don’t know. You sound like a great mother and I hope you get the support you need and deserve. Hugs if you want them.
My friend has a sister whose partner doesn’t do fuckall with their kid. Never changed a single diaper or anything. Part of that is culturally normal according to him, but my friend is different than his BIL and really seems to want to be an involved dad when the time comes.
Whether he has one kid or two (or more) I hope he will continue to ask me for advice and about family life with the same interest and desire to learn as he has in the past.
Edit to add: I see tons of men like OP’s partner and it’s awful. Then there are men like my friend who maybe experienced something similar in life but want to do better. OP, you deserve a partner who does their fair share. Whether that’s your husband or not, I don’t know. You sound like a great mother and I hope you get the support you need and deserve. Hugs if you want them.
ksluv2praise
New member
@kerithravine410 My ex-husband, my daughter's father, behaved like this, too. I left him (for lots of reasons, and this was definitely one of them lol) when our daughter was 22 months old. And you know what I found out? It WAS easier on my own. Tremendously easier. I was already doing everything all by myself anyway, but not having to manage him lightened my load significantly. "Stronger together rather than apart" was a big deciding factor. I, in fact, did NOT feel stronger with him. He was an anchor weighing me down. And when I left, I felt amazingly light and free and life got better and better!
It wasn't easy or pleasant to watch him struggle but he eventually found his footing. And since she was so little when we separated, there was still plenty I had to "manage" for him during his time. I ALWAYS had to send EVERYTHING she needed, including food for her to eat while in his care, cause he'd try to give me some sob story of how broke he was and couldn't afford to eat, blah blah blah...but ya know what, he figured that out!
I am not suggesting you separate/divorce. Only YOU can determine what your limits are; only YOU can decide what you will and will not tolerate. However, if one day you do decide that you can't take anymore and do leave, just be ready for the bargaining. The pleading, the sad stories about how inept he is and how much he needs you and how much he misses you (I'd miss 'me' too, buddy!). And it's so easy to be suckered into that. Don't fall for it. While I am sure he means most, if not all, of what he says...I can assure you that the only way they really change is by staying gone. And keep in mind one of the reasons why this behavior is so frustrating: because you didn't marry/have a kid with a stupid or inept man (at least I know I didn't!), so he can and will figure everything out without you. I mean, he wasn't an idiot when I married him or when I chose to have a baby with him...he wasn't ever incapable. Nope, instead, he was just manipulative, lazy, and entitled. And I chose to no longer contribute or enable such behavior. It meant relinquishing A LOT of control, and that definitely was not easy, but I also kept reminding myself that he was capable. He needed to save himself.
For what it's worth, we co-parent great! It's been over 10 years now! I have been remarried for a long time, and he was in a long-term relationship for years (which ended a couple of years ago I guess idk it's weird and I don't ask for details lol). We are NOT friends but we are friendly.
Good luck! It won't be this way forever.
It wasn't easy or pleasant to watch him struggle but he eventually found his footing. And since she was so little when we separated, there was still plenty I had to "manage" for him during his time. I ALWAYS had to send EVERYTHING she needed, including food for her to eat while in his care, cause he'd try to give me some sob story of how broke he was and couldn't afford to eat, blah blah blah...but ya know what, he figured that out!
I am not suggesting you separate/divorce. Only YOU can determine what your limits are; only YOU can decide what you will and will not tolerate. However, if one day you do decide that you can't take anymore and do leave, just be ready for the bargaining. The pleading, the sad stories about how inept he is and how much he needs you and how much he misses you (I'd miss 'me' too, buddy!). And it's so easy to be suckered into that. Don't fall for it. While I am sure he means most, if not all, of what he says...I can assure you that the only way they really change is by staying gone. And keep in mind one of the reasons why this behavior is so frustrating: because you didn't marry/have a kid with a stupid or inept man (at least I know I didn't!), so he can and will figure everything out without you. I mean, he wasn't an idiot when I married him or when I chose to have a baby with him...he wasn't ever incapable. Nope, instead, he was just manipulative, lazy, and entitled. And I chose to no longer contribute or enable such behavior. It meant relinquishing A LOT of control, and that definitely was not easy, but I also kept reminding myself that he was capable. He needed to save himself.
For what it's worth, we co-parent great! It's been over 10 years now! I have been remarried for a long time, and he was in a long-term relationship for years (which ended a couple of years ago I guess idk it's weird and I don't ask for details lol). We are NOT friends but we are friendly.
Good luck! It won't be this way forever.
mercyhwetin88
New member
@kerithravine410 Are you married to my husband? Going though the same thing for soon to be three years… and he has the audacity to ask for another kid. It’s exhausting. My advice from someone who is stuck is to leave sooner than later because it just gets worse 