Anyone One and done due to being the older sibling?

@marybelshe This is not my sole reason but it is a factor. My brother and sister, a set of twins, was born when I was 10 and I was essentially thrust into the secondary mom role as my mom's husband was a POS father. (Story for another time) I had to grow up immediately, girl guides had to stop, any extra energy/time/love was give to the golden twins. (I love them don't get me wrong- but it was hard growing up) and when my mom tried to leave their POS father and work night shifts, guess who picked up the slack. Still to this day not recognition outward for me doing this as it was just what is expected.

I want my daughter to have everything she deserves in life. She is 4.5, gives love freely, gives sass freely knowing we will always love and care for her. We live in a HCOL country and I know the future will be hard for her. I want to see her up for success and be able to be there for her if she needs it. I am "geriatric" and I know I would not have the energy if I had a second child who was differently abled. I would also not be able to financially keep up with soccer, dance, etc if I had 2.

My dad also went and had a whole other family essentially forgetting us (me and my younger brother, older than the twins) and I never ever want to for my daughter, or any child really.
 
@marybelshe Kinda the opposite. Partner and I were both the second of two kids (both with older sisters). Our older sisters were both parentified and lashed out terribly at us younger siblings (hitting, bullying, etc). We have a daughter and don't want her to be in that position.
 
@marybelshe Oldest and the only girl out of 4 kids with emotionally immature parents. I used to pride myself in being so self sufficient and independent.

I spent decades feeling partially responsible for my younger siblings. My parents aren't great with anything involving emotions or executive functioning. So I put a lot of energy into those things because I felt like if I didn't the other kids would miss out. I wasn't as parentified as others but definitely was a little.

My 3 youngest siblings are all really struggling to be capable people. They have a lot of issues with relationships, mental health , and work skills.

I felt guilty I didn't do more but it's really helped me see how having one child that can get the attention and care it needs is better than having multiples.
 
@marybelshe I was the oldest of 5 and a parentified child with emotionally immature parents, extremely dysfunctional family of origin. I didn’t want any kids for years until therapy helped reassure me I am not my parents and I’m much different than my immediate and extended families. My only kiddo has a much different life than I had growing up and I’m so proud of that.

I don’t care who you are, nobody has the resources (financial, emotional and otherwise) to give 5 children what they really need.

That being said, my upbringing isn’t the only reason why I’m one and done, there are many other reasons mostly focused around lifestyle. I love having only one kid, we can tag team so easily and I feel like I can be a really good mom when I just have one to focus on.
 
@marybelshe Yes. I am the oldest of four. I grew up in a balkan country, where older children were often exploited. I was made to do housework as soon as I could. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, you name it. We didn't have running water, so I remember carrying buckets from a well to fill in a tub. I was maybe 10 at that point.

I was 13 when I was left home alone for the first time. For 2 months. With a 1-year-old and a 9 year old. My youngest brother was on the way. My father was working abroad, and my mother decided that her 13-year-old was old enough to take care of the kids and the household. So she went to him. I did a splendid job, but it wasn't my job.

As for the rest, it was I who had to clean the house and do the washing. The abovementioned lack of running water meant I had to stay close to the washing machine and feed it water according to the programme. Also, remove the dirty water.

Even if my mother was home, I still had to do almost all of it. She saw that I could and knew how, so she took full advantage. If I didn't, she'd call me names, beat me, and overall abuse me. She'd give me a list of chores and they had to be done until she came back, often from having coffee with her friends and stuff like that. I could have done everything, and if I missed one, she'd call me a lazy piece of shit. It took me a lot of years to learn that it's ok if I just sit around and do nothing.

When my youngest brother arrived, nothing changed except my workload. My sister helped too at that point, she was 10, but since she was the second oldest, the pressure wasn't so much on her as on me. Still, she did way too much for a child that age. I can still remember how we'd share the chores. And the babies. She would be in charge of one, I of the other.

I left home for highschool at 14, but I was required to come home every weekend and do the chores that my mother could postpone until I came home. She wouldn't fold a week's worth of laundry and expected us to do it.

At 19 I left for college, and I didn't come home every weekend. That's when she started drowning in chores and a lot of it went to my sister who was still home. Except my sister was smarter and fought her a lot. I was obedient.

Anyway, I'm now almost 34 with a beautiful 5mo. Obviously, I'm not in contact with my mother. I never understand why she treated my like that. I was a dutiful daughter, got good grades, and everyone complimented her in how kind and helpful I am. But I was mever enough for her. Now that I have a daughter, I can and never will understand how could her heart allow her to treat me like that. From all that pain rose a mother who will treat her daughter with the respect she never had. She'll be allowed to say no, to express her feelings, to do what I never could. To be a child.
 
@marybelshe Kind of. I’m the oldest sibling of two kids with cognitive disabilities and autism. I got lucky once and I don’t like to gamble.

If my second child would turn out to have the same conditions as my siblings, it would not only break me but also ruin my son’s childhood.
 
@marybelshe My brother is 7 years younger than me. So partially it was the double standard, but also I remember him screaming and crying and how hard it was for me at 7 to all of a sudden get no attention. I was expected to grow up and do it on my own. I always said I would have 2 close together, but my baby was difficult and one is just perfect.
 
@marybelshe Yep, oldest of three and the cousins. Also girl.

I grew up with undiagnosed autism, so I was especially shamed for "being so smart, yet so disrespectful" lol
The disrespect was the need for justice in a family that accepted cyclical abuse.
My only gets all of my focus and attention. Autistic.

But when I was growing up, I got everything taken from me to benefit my siblings and cousins. And shamed for being upset about it
I'm good being OAD.
 
@marybelshe Kinda yes! And for sure for my husband (we’re both the eldest in our families). Im lucky I love and have a good relationship with my younger brother, but he barely ever had to lift a finger, could do what he wanted, and was spoiled/entitled when we were kids. I think overall I’m glad I turned out how I am (my brother is anxious and kinda arrested development compared to me) but I don’t want to put my kid through being the eldest. They’re my one and only ❤️
 
@marybelshe I’m the oldest and OAD not by choice, however thank you for the perspective because you refreshed my memory. I think that my experience as the oldest has colored the way I plan to parent in the event we do have an additional child, I’ll do everything in my power to have your post resonate with kid.
 
@marybelshe Another oldest here but it wasn't part of my reasoning for being one and done. I also didn't like having to be the responsible one, the caretaker. If I had another I wouldn't put that pressure on my kid. And I'd communicate better expectations with my kid instead of just expecting the best from them all the time.
 
@criches111 Honestly the hard part was never being acknowledged for the extra effort. Got a job to contribute to the house hold, good grades, good behavior. It was just what was expected. I did those things: normal. My siblings did them: wow look at all you accomplished. I might as well be wearing an invisibility suit.
 
@marybelshe Omg I never thought about it this way but being the eldest daughter has surely influenced my decision. Not to mention one of my siblings being medically complex as a baby.

My parents never came to class parties, often missed sporting events, and couldn't chaperone field trips because someone had to mind my siblings. I also hated being the guinea pig child- watching my parents become less strict and more accommodating sucked.
 
@marybelshe Maybe if I wasn’t the middle child to a teen mom that grew up poor I’d prolly want more kids Jan ! Fuck . My child has everything and I will never apologize .
 
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