@kerithravine410 Why not just divorce and be a single mom for real instead of just cosplaying one? There are men out there that are capable of taking care of kids, tell him he can be one or not.
@kerithravine410 What you describe is my worst nightmare. I generally dislike when people on these subs jump immediately to divorce because marriage is complex. But if you’re already doing it all on your own and he has no interest in trying- why not drop the dead weight?
Try counseling. If that doesn’t work, get out of there! Life is too short to live it resentful in your own house.
I hope this gets better for you. You come off as a resilient, hardworking, and selfless person. Which are all qualities that help people pull through shit circumstances like this and come out better on the other side.
@kerithravine410 This is why I’m childless and probably childfree. The image of raising a person with my partner sounds exactly like this. No advice OP, but I feel your pain.
@kerithravine410 I FEEL YOU! Our kiddo is older now, but the infant to toddler age was exactly the same for me. I could have written this myself. I decided that I'm one and done because even though I have 1 child, there are actually 2 living in this house. So far I've been able to refrain from telling my MIL that the main reason she only gets one grandkid from us is because I'm also raising her son.
@kerithravine410 OP you have so much patience. Wow. To his credit, my husband does help — he changed diapers, fed the baby, held her. But there are still times he’s incompetent in the parenting department — “oh I didn’t brush her teeth because she didn’t want to” or “I didn’t know I shouldn’t use cleaning wipes in place of baby wipes” — he also very rarely takes her out on his own (less than the five fingers on my hand) and when he watches her, he’s always on his phone or has her watch tv. And when my MIL is around he foists our daughter on her to parent and while this might be ideal in some situations me and my MIL do not see eye to eye with parenting — this has lead to the souring of our relationship. (I married him not his mom, he’s the parent — not his mom). So while he’s not completely useless, I still get frustrated with him and we still have arguments and I have thought about leaving him in the long term. Things have improved as our daughter has gotten older because she’s more independent, in school, etc. I know though that I won’t be having another with him. No way. My eyes are wide open to what moms give up in comparison to fathers.
@kerithravine410 Oh, that would make me so peeved, and is one of the reasons my ex and I split up. In exasperation, I exclaimed one day, "You're an adult, make your own decisions. I'm not YOUR mother."
Honestly, the best thing is to go out one Friday evening after he's got home, and stay out until Sunday evening. My sister used to do it for a week at a time.
@kerithravine410 My daughters father is the same. We never married. We have been separated for 2.5 years and he is already on a new gf, going through a divorce from the woman he moved in a couple months after I left. I know the only way my kid is being cared for at his house is because he always has a new girlfriend/wife doing all of the labor for him. It’s insane.
I now am dating and living with my current partner, who is not even my daughters bio dad, and he is more of a parent than bio dad ever has been or sadly ever will be. And if one of us gets too swamped or exhausted to do our share of responsibilities, the other party helps out. We support each other and he loves my baby girl so much.
You deserve freedom, and, if you want, the chance to have a real partner. Being a single parent is way better than this. You’ll actually have less responsibility than you do now. Because you will just be taking care of yourself and baby. No more man baby.
@kerithravine410 a similar situation is why I left my son’s father. He tried to carry the mental load, though it fell on me 99% of the time. I finally have a village and my mental health has improved dramatically
@kerithravine410 My husband is the current breadwinner and I for sure have these feelings often. It’s just so much and so overwhelming even if they work, the mental load of the entire household is exhausting
@kerithravine410 Have had this same fight 100x with my husband. "I need you to help out more"
Then acts like it's my fault I'm mad because I don't ask for help enough. Even though I've told him to pick something and do it. Over and over. Same ass fight. See a mess in the kitchen? Clean it up. See that the dishwasher needs run? Run it. See me struggling with something? Offer to help. Don't make me delegate every little tiny thing I ever need help for. It is infuriating. I've asked him how he can be okay watching me do everything and obviously struggling and being unhappy while he does whatever. He says he just doesn't notice and needs me to always ask and tell him things.
Lately he has been a little bit better. I got him trading days on bedtime routine now. I used to do every bedtime from start to finish and walk the dogs and cook the dinner and clean the dinner etc etc and hed just be on his phone whatevering.
@kerithravine410 Well, we don’t let boys do enough housework, I think my brothers only had to take out the trash but not scrub the bathrooms or do the dishes or food prep work, just blame generations of mothers doing everything for their sons because they want their sons to like them or the like the admiration? Not sure but it starts with making your sons do more chores or taking care of pets.
@kerithravine410 I’m so sorry you are going through this … for a few reasons.
Your child is under one-
Lack of support/ attention/care from the father after a child is born is the number one reason couples breakup.
This who have experienced it or read the studies all know about it but if you are a girlfriend/wife who thinks they found the best husband- you really have no idea how they will behave until your child comes. How the husband behaves in every other situation is irrelevant. So many men do this. It’s unbelievable. And most women stay out of fear of being labeled “a single mom who should have chosen better”
I’m glad you are ready to move on.
Also be sure to never have any more children with him. This is such a common place thing -
@mmtb34 I completely understand being OAD, but I'm reading all the comments here saying "omg same" and thinking... why are so many women allowing their child to be brought up in what they know are toxic dumps of marriages?
@mmtb34 I mean it's easier said than done. Divorce is expensive and time consuming, I personally wouldn't be able to do it during my kid's first year of life, especially if my spouse wasn't helping out with the baby, and I'm a former divorce attorney. Hopefully OP will get out when she can.
