One and done because my partner will never carry the same mental and physical load when it comes to taking care of this child
- Thread starter kerithravine410
- Start date
jasonavery08
New member
@tam85 Not even embarassement but just... empathy? Care? Love?? If my man was doing anything OP has written I would have left. He doesn't care about his partner and it's like being a single mom anyway. A child has two parents. What a bad exemple OP's partner is going to give to their kid.
OP I'm right here with you. No sense having another baby if you're doing 100% of the work. And working full time! WFH with a young kid is no joke, you're a warrior!
OP I'm right here with you. No sense having another baby if you're doing 100% of the work. And working full time! WFH with a young kid is no joke, you're a warrior!
savedbygrace_777
New member
@tam85 How are women tolerating shit husbands and fathers? Yes, people who use weaponized incompetence are the ones who are in the wrong but they get away with it because it’s so exhausting for the other partner to fight against it. The thing is THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE! And yet the partner doing all the work thinks or wishes that their shit partner will magically step up? It will never happen as long as they get away with it.
OP is effectively a single parent and raising two children. I’d be out of that marriage so fast. My husband is effective at work and at home, we keep eachother accountable for shit and communicate what we need. and if one of us becomes lazy or uses incompetence we call eachother out. There is zero excuse for weaponized incompetence.
OP is effectively a single parent and raising two children. I’d be out of that marriage so fast. My husband is effective at work and at home, we keep eachother accountable for shit and communicate what we need. and if one of us becomes lazy or uses incompetence we call eachother out. There is zero excuse for weaponized incompetence.
@kerithravine410 As much as I love my husband, this is a huge reason why I will never go through newborn stage again
kerithravine410
New member
@amcotts And then you have the in laws talking about “oh when you guys have your second” as if your womb and mental health plays second fiddle to the divine right of pushing out and caring for a second child that has the privilege of living in a toxic home with no support. Let me get riiiight on that.
queerchristian
New member
@kerithravine410 Tell them lmao. Tell them he doesn’t really try to be a father so it doesn’t make sense to have a second. Just drop it casually like, “oh well you know how it is, I’m entirely on my own since he won’t parent so I can’t really imagine doing this again.”
@kerithravine410 Tell your in-laws if you had more help with childcare or the bills, you’d be willing to have more children. If they aren’t going to contribute to either - then they need to kindly stfu.
revdstephen
New member
@kerithravine410 I am very clear being OAD. I am not interested in letting my kid be a default parent. And whose going to pay 2k per month for childcare?
savedbygrace_777
New member
@kerithravine410 Tell them their son fuckin sucks. Tell them you have a second child and it’s “husbands name”
@kerithravine410 "I would consider another if I had any help, but unfortunately your son is next to useless, so I won't be having any more"
revdstephen
New member
@kerithravine410 I am not going to have second with your son because you brought him up to be incompetent!
virgintown
New member
@kerithravine410 I never comment on this subreddit but holy shit yes yes yes. I knew a month or two into the newborn stage with my useless husband that I would never have another child with him. He carried 0 mental load. Never helped me research pediatricians or baby foods or cribs or high chairs or ANYTHING. His excuse was always “I trust your judgment” or “you’ll just make the final call anyways” which of course is nothing but an excuse because he’s lazy. Like you, I did all the feedings and clothing and even bathing even though he was home from work in the evenings and could help but would sit on his phone on the couch and if I didn’t specifically say “I’m feeding her now can you help?” Or “Going to give a bath now can you please help?” He would just ignore us. He also used Ms. Rachel during his one-on-one times when I needed a shower. I got incredibly sick for a couple days and he just put the baby on the floor and played video games, and eventually when I came into the living room he handed her to me on the couch so he could eat. I didn’t even get a break that day.
Breaking point came when, after asking him for MONTHS to step up, help with his kid, carry the mental load, stop sleeping in till 11 am while I wake up all throughout the night with the baby and then get up with her at 6 am, always met with excuse after excuse and never any changing…. He took off work, NOT to help his absolutely drowning wife, but to play the new Pokémon all day. I couldn’t even look at him I hated him so much and was so disgusted with the human I married. I found out a day later he also had cheated on me. What an absolute utter piece of shit.
I am so ashamed of the behavior I put up with. I am so so ashamed that I became one of “those women” with the terrible ass husband, like it has any reflection on me when it really all reflects on him. But I carry that shame.
I left him that day. And immediately, my life became better. He wasn’t helping anyways with his child, and moving in with my parents was a world of difference with the amount of help I get. I still do 98% of parenting and 100% overnights, but my mom helps with laundry and dinner cleanup and home maintenance and occasionally watches baby while I work. I never had that before. I can breathe again.
And to give you hope, I randomly a few weeks later texted my high school boyfriend who I hadn’t spoken to in ten years but who was such a dear person to me since elementary school. I didn’t intend to rekindle any relationship, but I was hoping to catch up as friends. He’s my boyfriend now, and he is 100% my soulmate. He and his family have embraced my daughter as their own, buying her gifts, showering her with love, checking in on her. He doesn’t have a lot of kid experience but he asks questions, insists on helping where he can, wants to be the one to push her in the swing and stroller. He wants to be a great dad for her, and she isn’t even biologically his.
You deserve better. And I’m not telling you that because I’m telling you to leave him. There may be a thousand reasons why you can’t do that. I’ll never ever judge another woman again for staying with a bad husband. I did for far too long, but when you’re in it you get used to it. Leaving is so so hard. But you should know, you deserve better.
Hugs and love to you
Breaking point came when, after asking him for MONTHS to step up, help with his kid, carry the mental load, stop sleeping in till 11 am while I wake up all throughout the night with the baby and then get up with her at 6 am, always met with excuse after excuse and never any changing…. He took off work, NOT to help his absolutely drowning wife, but to play the new Pokémon all day. I couldn’t even look at him I hated him so much and was so disgusted with the human I married. I found out a day later he also had cheated on me. What an absolute utter piece of shit.
I am so ashamed of the behavior I put up with. I am so so ashamed that I became one of “those women” with the terrible ass husband, like it has any reflection on me when it really all reflects on him. But I carry that shame.
I left him that day. And immediately, my life became better. He wasn’t helping anyways with his child, and moving in with my parents was a world of difference with the amount of help I get. I still do 98% of parenting and 100% overnights, but my mom helps with laundry and dinner cleanup and home maintenance and occasionally watches baby while I work. I never had that before. I can breathe again.
And to give you hope, I randomly a few weeks later texted my high school boyfriend who I hadn’t spoken to in ten years but who was such a dear person to me since elementary school. I didn’t intend to rekindle any relationship, but I was hoping to catch up as friends. He’s my boyfriend now, and he is 100% my soulmate. He and his family have embraced my daughter as their own, buying her gifts, showering her with love, checking in on her. He doesn’t have a lot of kid experience but he asks questions, insists on helping where he can, wants to be the one to push her in the swing and stroller. He wants to be a great dad for her, and she isn’t even biologically his.
You deserve better. And I’m not telling you that because I’m telling you to leave him. There may be a thousand reasons why you can’t do that. I’ll never ever judge another woman again for staying with a bad husband. I did for far too long, but when you’re in it you get used to it. Leaving is so so hard. But you should know, you deserve better.
Hugs and love to you
@virgintown Same here. I knew immediately when he refused to wake up in the middle of the night and then yell at me for being grumpy when I was sleep deprived. I was hallucinating and forgot who my husband was and that I had a baby. One time I came out and the baby was falling off the rocking chair cuz he had fell asleep drinking a beer and holding her. AND had the audacity to take my pain meds from my c section. Honestly you mentioned researching high chairs & pediatricians….it’s unfathomable to me that husband’s do that.
Never doing that again. Never.
Never doing that again. Never.
@virgintown Wow. I hung on every word. Glad its worked out for you 
underdog_crusader
New member
@virgintown I love happy endings. Do you mind disclosing what your ex’s reaction to you leaving and did he ever set up in any material way?