My daughter has been having a sex since 16 and she is 18 and 1/2 and will be a college freshman

[msbelle]

She is a smart and responsible child and got admitted to one of top universities in CA this year. She started her sex life since 16 and I didn’t say anything about it.

I think she and her boy friend make sex in her room or in her car or in his car in the neighborhood park near trails. I noticed his sperm on her bedsheets and condom and pills in the drawer. I asked her to clean her bed sheet and she said it was our dog’s saliva.

I am a single mom and she asked me if her boy friend can sleep over and I said I am not comfortable with that so I said no.

However, She brought her boy friend any way and slept and spent time in her room last night.

I am so shocked at how a teenager dare to bring her boy friend to her room to sleep together when I am there and when I said no.

Do I or can I tell her move out and have her life on her own?

Any advice?

 

[martlet]

@msbelle Since she is an adult, take a step back and evaluate why you feel it’s not allowed. Is it a moral thing? Is it a distrust thing (like he’ll harm someone or steal or something)?

The day my daughter turned 18, she moved out with some friends. They had already been planning it but she couldn’t legally sign a lease until she was 18.

But my son is 18 now and about to enter college (local university on a scholarship), and has been in his current relationship since homecoming of their sophomore year. Because I want him to focus on school, I offered to let him live at home so he could only work a part time job and not have to worry about living expenses. As generous as he knows that offer is, he still asked if his girlfriend could spend the night a few nights a week. As uncomfortable as I am about the thought of my son, possibly (probably) having sexual relations upstairs ... my husband and I felt that it was best to allow this concession if it helps him be able to continue his college education and graduate debt free. Obviously, we’ve always talked to our kids about the importance of safe sex... so I just hope that they don’t get pregnant. But, we all know kids/adults are going to find ways to do what they want. It’s not illegal, therefore I don’t feel it’s unreasonable to allow overnight stays. Our boundary, just to allow us to maintain our own comforts in our home, is no more than 2 consecutive nights. They’ve had no issue honoring that.

 

[msbelle]

@martlet Oh! thank you for your wise advise. I didn’t know what it was that I don’t feel ok with her boy friend to sleep over in her room while it is a secret to his parents.

I don’t want to be shown her that I encourage her to do so often at the same time I want to feel at home because this is my home.

If she is so entitled to do whatever she thinks they are ok regardless my opinion, I thought she would better be on her own to be responsible for herself without my support.

I feel a lot better with your advise and can take this less threatening.

 

[martlet]

@msbelle Good luck to you both! I know I was raised in a very “this is MY house and you will do what I say” type of environment. It was always a loving home, no complaints- but as I raised my kids, I thought about how my upbringing would have been different if my parents had allowed me some liberties.

YOU are the one who is entitled to run your home as you see fit. Unless she’s paying for half the expenses, it’s still YOUR house. But you can choose what you allow or not. That’s why I said to take a step back and reevaluate your stance. For me, it is worth it to allow this privilege for my son...even if i didn’t like it at first. My son’s girlfriend is a lovely girl and I love her like a daughter, so I have no issue with her personally. It’s not easy parenting adults! They are as stubborn as toddlers and teenagers... but the lasting consequences are REAL!

 

[deadordyingwanderer]

@msbelle I am with you. 18 or not, its your home and you get to say what goes on in that home. They may discuss, disagree, debate but once you’ve made your decision it should be respected. I don’t know how we got to a point where people are no longer respecting others but we as a society have so pushed past personal freedoms and moved to an era of “what I want trumps you, even if you own, bought, paid for, take care of it all on your own”. And teens now see that so the concept of boundaries seems.. lost.

I wrestle with how to admire their growing independence while explaining I have rights too.

 

[laurapalooza]

@msbelle You can ask your 18-year-old adult daughter to move out. You can set ground rules for living in your home. The question is, are you prepared for the repercussions?

Her moving out will mean she can, and probably will, have sex more frequently because there isn't a mother to hide from.

You will have less contact, and probably more distanced contact, with your daughter. You will have pushed yourself right into 'empty nest syndrome' and will be experiencing a whole new set of emotions related to your daughter having left. (That has to happen eventually, but do you want it to happen right now?)

The alternative approach is to accept that your child is now an adult and will want a sex life. If you don't shut her out, you can continue to influence, in a healthy manner, your daughter making good choices.

In this case, birth control is paramount. If she has access to condoms and pills (birth control pills, I hope), she's on the right track. The question is, is she fully educated about how to use these tools safely?

I know even if I set up a rule, she and her boy friend will do whatever pleases them somewhere else where I don’t see.

This is another important issue. Some parents choose to allow their teenage children who are already having sex to have sex in their bedrooms. While the parents may have mixed feelings about that, you're then in a position to influence use of birth control and to know that sex is occurring in a safe environment... not in a car and getting spotted by a cop, per your example.

used her room as a motel

You and I are coming from different places. My advice comes with two prefaces.

1. Your child/teenager is legally an adult at the age of consent, able to choose to have sex. In America, that's typically age 18, although a few states go as low as 16.
2. Her room is her living space. Likening her having sex in her own bedroom to using a motel suggests you do not have a healthy viewpoint on sex to begin with. Or maybe I have an unhealthy viewpoint about motels.

 

[msbelle]

@laurapalooza Thank you for your comments. I now can see more about myself instead of focusing on the situation. I tried to be liberal and help her to be independent as possible but then it got triggered me that she just did what she wanted even if I answered no to her asking.

First of all, I didn’t have very good reason not to allow her to have him sleep over in her room

Secondly, I already know what would be alternative if I didn’t allow her to have sex or whatever she wants to do in her room.

Thirdly, she is an adult.

I appreciate your time to reply to my concern and am very grateful to post this agenda. This was my first posting!

 

[laurapalooza]

@msbelle I mean, your daughter seems to be using two forms of birth control. Be happy she's responsible.

 

[saxophonenerd]

@msbelle Good grief, sex is a biological function. I would rather her do it safely at home then in a parking lot! They could both be labeled sex offenders their whole life if caught! Lighten up. Give them condoms and birth control

 

[jason195]

@saxophonenerd Parenting is doing the best you can with what you know, and that knowledge comes from many places. Please don't assume that everyone is on the same wavelength as you. You are basing your comment on what has shaped you. OP is coming from their own angle, as am I, and so on and so on. Yes, sex is biological, but since humans have sex for pleasure and not just biological purposes, we're not that equipped to instinctually know how to safely/appropriately incorporate sex into our lives, and that includes knowing boundaries...boundaries of what is/is not safe sex, what is/is not consent, what you like/don't like, what your partner likes/don't likes, and when and where to engage in it, including respecting the space you're in,

All this balanced with the desire to let the kids be adults and make their own decisions, and, yet, possibly, still the urge to protect them from the consequences. And I guess then that parenting is also about letting go, but that process takes time and experience, and OP is learning that. One decision like this at a time.

Parenting in the best of circumstances is hard enough, but add to it someone who is doing it alone, with no partner to bounce ideas back and forth with...on top of that all the other idiosyncrasies life throws at us...and it gets increasingly difficult. So OP came here to do their due diligence and scope out what others think. Im proud of them for reaching out and trying to see all sides of the matter before acting, and their responses to the comments seems to have shown that they acknowledge other viewpoints and feels confident that they can now take action after having been exposed to them.

We all parent our kids differently and we've all been parented differently. Some of us want to do it the same way our parents did it, some of us want to break out of the mold. We're eternally caught between what society deems as a "good parent" and our innate ability to be exactly what our kids need, but all this does is create doubt and confusion, so we constantly question ourselves, "am I doing the right thing?" "Will they be happy?" "What if I've messed my kids up for life?" Even as parents, we, too, are learning. Lighten up, my friend, we're doing our best!

 

[katrina2017]

@msbelle I would let it go. In a few weeks she is moving to college to start a new chapter in her life . Who knows - maybe they spending last time together before going separate ways. Or planning long distance relationship ?
It will be great if she could bond with you before leaving house , and trust you with info about her personal life .

 

[aclightforce87]

@msbelle You can but it may cause a huge break in your relationship. Since she is now legally an adult, maybe have a conversation of what rules need to be established for the future (if she is going to continue living at home). If you are expecting her to be living in a dorm or an apartment when college starts, also discuss how she can keep herself safe in a new environment. Best of luck to you both.

 

[msbelle]

@aclightforce87 Thanks for comments. I didn’t try to give her sermon about sex safety because I am so sure she is more knowledgeable than I am. And I know even if I set up a rule, she and her boy friend will do whatever pleases them somewhere else where I don’t see. I was worried if they got caught in the car by people/police while they are doing their business so I pretend not knowing they have used her room as a motel when I not home. She chose yesterday because it was right after her period and less risk getting pregnant. I just read these without being nosy or showing too much interest/worries.

I also asked her to go to his house in turn and she said his parent is strict which his parents don’t know anything about his sex life. I am sure they think he is one pure young and smart high schooler. He also admitted to a very good university.

However I rather not knowing or seeing her making love in my house while I am paying everything for her top to bottom.

Just so tired of being pretend not knowing anything.

 

[minor3rd]

@msbelle I wouldn’t let my daughter’s boyfriend spend the night either. I think that’s disrespectful to you and your home. If she wants to have the freedom to have boys spend the night then she should move out. You are not running a brothel.