@jar1437 OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m a therapist who works with EDs. She needs nourishment, fast. The brain and behavior of someone who is malnourished can look like this..extreme anger, irritability, dangerous behavior. In her mind, you are a threat to her ED. I know it is hard, but let her hate you right now. Someday she will see it was actually BECAUSE you love her that you care enough to get her help. You cannot bargain or enable the ED behavior or she will likely die. She needs inpatient treatment, soon. I would take her to the ER, let them know everything and they will help transfer her to an inpatient facility. I hope she gets the help she needs and I hope you have support. You’re doing a great job. Hugs.
@jar1437 There is so few resources for mental health crises. I don't know what I would do in the same situation, there is no ideal here. Ultimately you need the psychiatrist services for your daughter, family counseling, and a kind of framework for how you will manage any similar situations moving forward.
@jar1437 My stepdaughter has bipolar (at least) and I lived through years of borderline DV, mostly yelling, threats, verbal abuse, all kinds of desperate cries for help. Her dad only put her with one therapist and when she refused, it stopped. I had taken her, enduring some intense behaviors to avoid it, and lost my ability to advocate for her in the family dynamic that had been brought about.
Her increasingly desperate behavioral cries for help were not met with properly. Instead the behavior became normalized. I grew up with a mentally ill mom and didn’t really realize how unacceptable things were until after she moved out. I wish the neighbors had called police or done something. It was very loud and intense in our house very frequently for years. I like to think had I been a witness I would have responded somehow.
No parent wants to call 911 on their child. It’s probably not the best way to get help. I don’t blame you for trying though - I’ve heard of that working in one case I know of. I live in a liberal city that has started police-free mental health crises response teams, but that’s probably not available most places or if a weapon is involved.
The one great thing you’re doing, and I hope you persist, is not trying to brush it under the rug and go on the next day or week or whatever just praying for one peaceful day at a time. There are a lot of parents out there, I know as a teacher not just as a stepparent, who have some denial about their kids’ mental health issues. They may hope it’s just a phase or think it’s just really hard growing up these days rather than admitting the possibility that their child could be manifesting a potentially serious lifelong mental health condition.
I suggest you talk to the school and they should at least set you up with a social worker who can guide you.
Acknowledging that the behavior is beyond typical “teenage rebellion” and that it reflects a serious mental health need is a great first step and, considering no one got hurt; if you keep pursuing getting her helpI think in the long run your daughter willl come to understand that you meant well and are trying to help her.
Her increasingly desperate behavioral cries for help were not met with properly. Instead the behavior became normalized. I grew up with a mentally ill mom and didn’t really realize how unacceptable things were until after she moved out. I wish the neighbors had called police or done something. It was very loud and intense in our house very frequently for years. I like to think had I been a witness I would have responded somehow.
No parent wants to call 911 on their child. It’s probably not the best way to get help. I don’t blame you for trying though - I’ve heard of that working in one case I know of. I live in a liberal city that has started police-free mental health crises response teams, but that’s probably not available most places or if a weapon is involved.
The one great thing you’re doing, and I hope you persist, is not trying to brush it under the rug and go on the next day or week or whatever just praying for one peaceful day at a time. There are a lot of parents out there, I know as a teacher not just as a stepparent, who have some denial about their kids’ mental health issues. They may hope it’s just a phase or think it’s just really hard growing up these days rather than admitting the possibility that their child could be manifesting a potentially serious lifelong mental health condition.
I suggest you talk to the school and they should at least set you up with a social worker who can guide you.
Acknowledging that the behavior is beyond typical “teenage rebellion” and that it reflects a serious mental health need is a great first step and, considering no one got hurt; if you keep pursuing getting her helpI think in the long run your daughter willl come to understand that you meant well and are trying to help her.
katrina2017
New member
buildfaith777
New member
@jar1437 You did what you had to for the protection of both you and your daughter. It’s not surprising they sent a police officer if there was a threat of violence. Was the presence of the police what you both found traumatizing?
I’m glad you are getting your daughter the help she needs. Your partner was not there when you had to make the decision to call 911 and you were doing it to protect both of you. They should not hold a grudge over a difficult decision you need to make quickly.
If you are in the us 988 can be called or texted for mental health emergency. Maybe that might be a better option if something like this happens again.
I’m glad you are getting your daughter the help she needs. Your partner was not there when you had to make the decision to call 911 and you were doing it to protect both of you. They should not hold a grudge over a difficult decision you need to make quickly.
If you are in the us 988 can be called or texted for mental health emergency. Maybe that might be a better option if something like this happens again.
strawberrychoco
New member
@strawberrychoco Because of my history and racial background I have been worried about cops visiting. But ours was good and challenged my beliefs
ivanwarner
New member
@merlinius Can you just not?
@jar1437 school counselor here - is there a crisis center near you? A mental health urgent care? Or a pediatric ER? You can get your daughter evaluated the same day if you take her (although you may have to wait). It sounds like she needs to be inpatient. I’m honestly surprised the police officer didn’t do more and suggest this. I’ve had students brought to crisis centers by police before. while it’s certainly traumatic, it’s in the best interest of the child to get them somewhere safe. Im so sorry this is happening; I can’t imagine how frightening it must me. You did the right thing. Sending you hugs and strength for what will be a difficult and hopefully restorative road ahead.
singingmichelle74
New member
@jar1437 If you are in the US or Canada, connect with Mobile Crisis. They are an intervention team you can call in times like this and they will do a risk assessment, give recommendations for de escalation and also make it clear when hospitalization or further supports are needed. I’m so sorry you and your daughter were traumatized by this experience. Thinking of you 
ivanwarner
New member
goldensilver
New member
@jar1437 She can hate you, but the truth is that if you’re holding a knife to someone, expect to have them call 911. I’d make it clear to her and your partner that if she does it again she can expect the same result. Mentally ill or not, this kid needs some hard boundaries on out of control behavior.
@jar1437 They’ll send a police officer if it sounds like a dangerous situation. Believe me, they don’t want to go to these calls but for safety reasons they must. They’ll never send a social worker to them without a cop in the chance that someone may get hurt. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
wandabunny
New member
foreverrevealtruth
New member
@jar1437 Oh man. Eating disorders and mental illness in general really warps your thinking and makes it nearly impossible to regulate emotions. Let alone at age 12.
Your daughter likely does not hate you but anger is the easiest emotion to feel. She'll understand someday why you have to make the tough decisions. For now, it's okay that she's angry. Let her work through her feelings and be firm with things like meals, appointments and meds..but try and not be too pushy with the emotional side of things. Lashing out is easier than confronting your demons, but she will get there in time - and you'll want her to view you as a safe space instead of feeling pressured to open up so shutting down instead.
It's so hard but you can do it.
Your daughter likely does not hate you but anger is the easiest emotion to feel. She'll understand someday why you have to make the tough decisions. For now, it's okay that she's angry. Let her work through her feelings and be firm with things like meals, appointments and meds..but try and not be too pushy with the emotional side of things. Lashing out is easier than confronting your demons, but she will get there in time - and you'll want her to view you as a safe space instead of feeling pressured to open up so shutting down instead.
It's so hard but you can do it.