I ( 50 f) have a daughter ( 27 ) that has been helping me and I don't know how to feel about it.

[josephtheprotector]

@chriscomplex No she doesn't live with me. She did when she was pregnant and the first 6 mo after the baby. She moved across town like, 15 or so minutes away and comes over on her own. She will occasionally bring laundry, but she comes over just to spend time with me . she sees that I'm struggling with my illness and likes to do things that make my life easier AND benefit her so I don't feel bad. She loves my food. She knows I'm happy when I'm cooking plus free food, so, for example,she cleaned out the fridge and did the dishes so I could feed her and cook. It's a win win. I work full time so we see each other like once or twice a week and she does stuff to keep busy and it makes her feel good. And I feel good too.

The baby is currently with relatives out of town and she has a relationship. So she has a full life. That's why I don't want her to help me. She has her own shit. But right now she has the time, resources and energy to help me get to a better place and come out of this hole that chronic stuff can bring.

And I think writing it all out and explaining it to you, helped me realize that I'm not actually a burden and she does it because she wants to.

I raised her in a really shitty cult I was in where it was easy as pie to cut someone off, especially family, you didn't agree with. I know she has that in her,I've seen it. So yeah. This really helped me to see that she is doing this because she loves me, despite all of my brokenness and just wants to spend time with me and see me happy and healthy. Which is what I would do, have done, and will continue to do with her.

I'm not sure if that answers what you said or asked, but I hope that explains the situation a little better.

 

[chriscomplex]

@josephtheprotector Ah, I’ve completely misunderstood the nature of her help. If she only comes over once or twice a week to help, then that’s just being family shouldn’t be this big burden that you originally saw it as.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@chriscomplex Ok. I feel better about this then. I'm not good at asking or receiving help. I feel like I should be able to do everything myself. Anyone helping me I feel like I'm being too much. And I know a lot of that has to do with the broken parts of brain. I just don't want to be a bother to anyone. I'm her mom...i should be doing stuff for her like I have all of her life.

But you are right and this makes me feel much better. Thank you.

 

[bobagee]

@josephtheprotector she just loves you dude lmao

 

[josephtheprotector]

@bobagee Hahaha I know right? It should be simple and I'm
making it hard trying to understand it instead of just accepting it!

Thank you for keeping it simple. You are right. That's all there is to it.

 

[bobagee]

@josephtheprotector You seem like a great and caring mother who really cares for her kids, and reading this post made me tof my own mom who can be a bit proud at times, it's only natural you're kids want to be caring and great too have a great night

 

[josephtheprotector]

@bobagee You, too, my friend. Sending love

 

[eljah]

@josephtheprotector I've always been really close with my mum. She's awesome. When she needed my help after a surgery a few years ago there was no question of it. I was going to be there for every minute she needed me. Even though it meant skipping a once in a lifetime trip which had taken months of planning. I got on a plane and was there by her side.

She raised me. She showed me unconditional love and because of that I learned how to give it back. She also "didn't want to bother anyone" and told me to take the trip, but the first time I washed her hair for her it was such a surreal experience - she was my unbreakable mother, and in that moment, she needed me to help her for what felt like the first time ever. And I was so glad of the opportunity to give her back even a fraction of the care she gave me.

Now I have my own daughter, it makes me even more thankful to have been able to be there for her in that way. She's recovered now, and is there for me again mentally while I work out this parenting thing but I think that experience bought us closer and she definitely talks to me a lot more about stuff as a friend rather than her child - I think me being able to care for her let her actually recognise me as the adult I am now.

I hope this helps you feel a little easier about how your daughter is now able to offer you the care and love you need!!

 

[josephtheprotector]

@eljah It made me feel a lot of things and it made me tear up. You know, in all of these responses there is one theme. Love. I've been abandoned so many times. And I would never do what others have done to me to anyone.... And due to that, it's very hard for me to accept love. I give it unconditionally without question, but never felt I deserved it back. That's just not in the cards for me. And to have someone show it to me.... I don't trust it and I don't understand it DESPITE being able to give it. I've just had the bottom fall out too many times. I understand giving love, but I don't understand receiving it and feeling worthy of it. And i know that is something that is broken within me that is going to take time overcome.

So that's what I'm going to continue working on. You are a wonderful human to your mother.I have to relax and let mine be one to me.

Thank you for this.

 

[southernangel33]

@josephtheprotector My (25f) mom (53) always took care of me. When the time came, that I had to help her, no questions were asked.
She became ill, hospital trips, surgeries, all the siblings were there, from 3 different parts of the country.
The fact that your daughter stepped up without hesitation just means that you were a good parent to her.
I hope you feel better soon.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@southernangel33 Thank you for this perspective. You are a wonderful person for doing that. And she is a wonderful person for doing what she does. Thank you for saying this. I worry about what kind of parent I was,but this is proof to me that I was ok. I appreciate you helping me see that.

 

[mminer237]

@josephtheprotector Everyone needs some help at some point in their lives, there's nothing wrong with that, nor embarrassing. Some people love to help out - you're lucky to have a daughter who enjoys helping out - if she's happy, then that's great!

Everyone has their own limitations, the trick is to figure out what your limitations is, and to accept help to cover those what you can't do. That is life, no point in stressing over it especially if the helper loves doing it.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@mminer237 You are so right. And knowing my limitations and stopping has always been a struggle. I've been putting a lot of effort into it. So thank you.

Imma stop stressing and enjoy it.

 

[webhyd]

@josephtheprotector thank you for sharing. I relate to you. I urge you to discuss your thoughts with her. how you appreciate and love her. that you enjoy the time she spends in your home. thank her for her time specifically. this is very important for her to hear. it will open the door for her to share too. if not right away it will. stay positive.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@webhyd Ok, I'll do that specifically about her time. And you are welcome. I really appreciate your input. I truly do want her to know her time means a lot to me and just taking it out and being with me in general. Thank you so much!

 

[webhyd]

@josephtheprotector you are welcome. please let me know how it turns out. here if you want to talk anytime. its going to be ok. stay focused and think with an open mind, positive productive mindset and try to find the positive perspective in all things. so, if something doesn't go your way or liked how something turned out, think of ... recognize the positve that did happen, what did you learn from it kind of mindset. i try this myself. it does work. thanks for letting me know. remember, you can, you will, your are... going to get thru this. one step at a time, one day at a time. sending you encouragement and support.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@webhyd I did a little update:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/mhw0y2/update_my_50_f_daughter_27_helps_me_out_and_i

I thought of you so I'm glad you commented again. Thank you..

 

[webhyd]

@josephtheprotector awe thank you. whats new last few days.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@webhyd My daughter came over yesterday. We didn't do a " thing" just a simple dinner. My youngest daughter vid chatted her and we talked for the first time in 3 yrs! I just found out that after our last big blow up ( it was pretty serious, never thought we would speak again) she got a lilac tattoo on her collar bone. They represent us, and when we would go hiking when she was little and she would pick them for me. They are my fav and I had a body spray that was lilac when she was little. Melted my heart when she told me.

She stayed on for hours while we all hung out, and we talked just the two of us,for like 2.5 more hours.

We got deep. We both think we are in a good place, and can heal our relationship. I raised them in a " therapy and communication" household. My daughter was very ill mentally for a long time. She is so much better now. We had some REAL TALK. She brought up communication, she talked , expressed herself, I did the same. We had a very hard life together. But it has brought us closer. Made us the bad asses we are. it's unfortunate to be a bad ass, you have to go through so much tragedy. I wish I could have passed the strength on without the hardship.

My daughter thanked me for things that I thought were a huge fuck up and ruined their lives ( raising them in a religious cult). All 3 of them have thanked me for the way I raised them. I know I did a lot of things wrong, i didn't know any better and listened to the wrong people, but they all know that they are loved. And they all know that they would die for each other. I did a lot wrong,but I taught them unconditional love. And that's enough for me.

 

[webhyd]

@josephtheprotector amazing. praise God that you got to this level. i'm so happy for you. keep moving forward one step at time. now that you all put things out in the open and set some sort of boundaries.