My 6 Year Old Daughter Doesn’t Like Me

[kcope]

@kayjones87 I think it's worth looking at the division of parenting labor.

Men often do the fun parts and leave the nagging, discipline, and emotional labor to us. This is not only a problem because it leaves us unfairly burdened, but even more so because it robs us of feeling joy in our children. And it robs our children of experiencing our love in a way they can understand.

It's a lot easier to just play with kids when you aren't thinking of the other things you still have to do, and also noticing a million little things you have to correct because the other parent won't (no, don't put that so close to your brother's face, the dog didn't like that, no pencils in our nose!).

You can't get into the right headspace, and it feels boring or stupid.

And of course, our kids don't like us as much. Why would they? They don't understand that their dad is shirking his duties. They only understand that their dad pretends to be a dinosaur who is going to eat them, while their mom is fussing at them in the same moment for running in the house.

If this is what the division of parenting labor looks like in your house, it's most likely the problem.

 

[maxgraham]

@kayjones87 I'm sure that was so hard to hear, but it is absolutely incredible your daughter felt comfortable enough with you to share her feelings.

 

[lineman2015]

@kayjones87 I’m so sorry OP. These big thoughts and feelings from our kids are so hard to navigate. Take a breath and get some sleep.

 

[vladimirsurguy]

@kayjones87 Kids love language is play so it’s not surprising that they prefer dad over you based on your description. This will not be the case forever as she’ll grow up and play will phase out for more mature love languages. You’re obviously doing an incredible job if she’s able to feel safe enough to have such a difficult conversation. That’s amazing that she has identified a problem and felt confident to take it to you despite it being about you.

It sounds like she’s wanting more connection to you. If you can set aside a short amount of time to dedicate to her and let her pick what you two do.

Keep up the great work!

 

[gospeltv]

@kayjones87 I have kind of a rough relationship with my 6 year old daughter as well. And as she gets older I point out to her that dad might play and be fun, but I plan her playdates, parties, I buy all her Xmas and bday gifts, I plan all the trips and excursions, I cook all the dinners, I pack all her lunches. I'm more of an acts of service kind of lover, and I know she will see and appreciate that when she is older.

 

[kayjones87]

@gospeltv I’m acts of service too.

 

[christy1984]

@kayjones87 I know this is so hard, but don't take it personally. My daughter went through the same thing. It really hurts, but at this age they don't realize all the things that you do for them to care of them and help them become better people.

 

[romans1013]

@kayjones87 She is comfortable with telling you. That’s a very good sign. I’d work on yourself and that problem with your husband, maybe it will become easier and more natural to be the mom she’s hoping for. That said one day she will grow old enough to understand what you do. That is a fact.

I stopped loving my mom for a while, but I realized that she was a person and all the faults we’re easily something others would do in her shoes. I’m still frustrated.. because it hurt a lot and she still can’t see, but I do love her.

 

[alanna45]

@kayjones87 Im so sorry you’re going through this. I’m in exactly the same boat. My 6 year old and I have her butting heads so much and I’m in the same situation with my parents. My daughter is used to seeing them frequently. I feel so depressed.. you aren’t alone, friend. Hang in there.

 

[kayjones87]

@alanna45 I had a real talk today with her regarding how we came to that conclusion with her grandparents and I think it helped her behavior some because she was so anxious and confused.

 

[lukester09]

@kayjones87 Ouch this is my worst fear. I think the other people commenting are saying it way better than I ever could! Good luck

 

[phonehouse]

@kayjones87 I’m just echoing what everyone else is saying here…you’re clearly an incredible parent. Kids enjoy their parents in seasons. When she’s a little older and the play changes, your relationship will come into its own. You’ve set up an incredible framework here, I’m so amazed. You should be so proud of yourself. An example to us all, bromo.

 

[susiey]

@kayjones87 Wow, OP, that a lot to hear.

While it’s important to take our little ones’ opinions with a grain of salt at times, it’s also important to listen and take in what they say to us.

What I’m hearing is that she wants more quality “fun” time with you.

How can you divide childcare and child fun with your partner?? You two need some girl time.

 

[dadstep]

@kayjones87 Your post is basically my life- I totally relate to play not feeling natural which I think may be due to depression in my case. I'm NC with most of my family and I also have a 6 yo daughter who let's me know I'm boring. Ahhhlllll the time. Sometimes she'll tell me she's planning to move in with this person or that person, referring to people we know who are "more fun" (BD passed away so...) My favorite is when she threatens to have me put in jail for making her pick up after herself and I'm just like "YES! VAYYYCAYYYY! Someone else is going to be doing the dishes and cooking and laundry and taking care of you and your sister!" She HATES it .

Kids are fickle. You're a great mom.

ETA: DAMN, @make865329 @alanna45 @gospeltv 6yo girls salty as hell! Who knew.

 

[quittercheckusa]

@dadstep They are savages! I can also relate to not being the “fun” parent due to depression and just general burn out/exhaustion. I am, however, the parent that insists they eat their vegetables and wear sunscreen, which as you can imagine, wins me a lot of points. My 5.5 year old has also expressed that she wishes (friend’s mom) was her mom (friend’s mom is a creative who is great at imaginative play while I am…not) and that she wants to move in with the neighbors. Man, do they know how to get you where it hurts.

 

[alanna45]

@quittercheckusa It can be so hard. My daughter was spending a lot of time with my mom between 2020-2022. It got to the point when my daughter was preferring her grandma over me. “I’d rather live with grandma” or “grandma let’s me do that…” it totally triggered me because my mom was awful growing up. Finally low contact with my mom and my daughter hardly see’s her too.

 

[alanna45]

@dadstep Oh yes… the spice is real, my friend

 

[quittercheckusa]

@kayjones87 I just love the top comment about how positive it is that your daughter feels safe to share these uncomfortable feelings with you. What a beautiful spin on a tough situation, and one I totally agree with. I also wanted to say I can absolutely relate. I struggle with depression and anxiety and it can make parenting so hard sometimes. It’s just not natural for me to be the fun, carefree, relaxed parent, while my husband is basically Bandit from Bluey.

My 5.5 year old has said a few things to me over the years that felt like a dagger in the heart. It hurts so much to hear these things from your children, when you know how much you devote your life to their wellbeing and happiness! But at this age what they’re saying is just a reflection of how they happen to be feeling at the moment, it’s not anything deeper than that. Kids aren’t capable of fully articulating exactly what they’re feeling so the default is “I don’t like/love you.” Your daughter being able to bare her soul to you shows how much she loves you. It’s just like how children usually behave the worst with the people they know will love them unconditionally.

 

[carenski]

@kayjones87 As a mom I can only imagine how horrible this must have felt!!! Hugs on your mom heart. But I also remember telling my mom I wasn’t sure I loved her too. Love felt very confusing as a kid. She wasn’t Danny Tanner or other parental characters I saw displayed on TV. She made me do things like clean up after myself and do my homework. I think this is a good reflection of any relationship; it’s never a fairytale, and when you’re a kid it’s hard to separate the two and understand this.

 

[ccclove499]

@kayjones87 I remember growing up vividly still, I remember my dad was the fun one. Mom was the one who made us do things like eat veggies, chores, go to the doctor, etc. but she did always have our back (just didn’t understand what that meant yet). My relationship with my mom got worse as I entered my teens and it wasn’t until my 20s when my attitude toward her completely flipped and I understood what mothers were and what they went through. I now dote on my mom and protect her as if she was my child, I take care of her first.

But back to growing up, as long as I can remember, no matter how upset at my mom I was my dad would constantly remind us this, “You don’t understand, I like you guys and all, but your mom, she LOVES you. She loves you more than anything. She would do anything for you. You’re her babies. I didn’t know if I even wanted kids, but your mom has known she wanted you her whole life, and if anything ever happened to you it would devastate her. Don’t ever think for a second that she doesn’t love you.”

He always told us (brother and me) this growing up, and it always stuck with me. And no matter how mad I ever got at my mom, no matter how tempting it was to rebel as a teen, end myself from depression, run away from home, I could never do it, I could never hurt her or do anything that I knew would hurt myself, because I knew it would kill her if I didn’t exist. I could never say or do anything to hurt her knowing this was how she really felt about me deep down. I hope my daughter will realize this about my love for her one day.