How can I tell my mom I don’t want her there for delivery even though she’s a L&D nurse?

[tinash]

To start, I’m 8 weeks pregnant and have gone through multiple rounds of IVF to get here. After a couple of losses we finally have a baby that seems to want to stick around. We are thrilled. It’s also a high risk pregnancy due to some health conditions I have.

That being said, my mom keeps asking when my due date is even though I’ve told her I won’t have one until I’m out of my reproductive endos office and into a regular OBGYN. Today I stupidly told her I didn’t have an exact date but it would probably be early August and she immediately started talking about how she would need to fly in mid July to be here for my baby’s birth. She’s a labor and delivery nurse and has been for 30+ years so this is kind of her thing.

However, I do not want her here for the birth. I want that time for my husband and I to bond with our baby. Not worry about also taking care of my mom and where she’s going to stay and accommodating her wants/desires. We won’t have space for her either. We have a 2 bedroom townhouse and don’t want her leaving her shit everywhere or trying to take over our baby’s room. And I know she’s going to be super vocal about every little thing, whether it be how the doctor is doing something or how that’s not the way she does it at her hospital. I love my mom and we are close but I just can’t imagine being a FTM and trying to balance that along with her constant “helpful remarks” because she thinks she knows best. I know it comes from a good place in her heart but I also know she’s going to make me crazy. Normally when she visits I’m losing my mind by day 3. And I know once this baby is born she will also expect to stay for at least 2 weeks, if not longer.

Have any of you dealt with similar? How did you tell your mom you didn’t want her there?

 

[davidluxembourg]

@tinash I think you’re just going to have to be blunt and honest about it. You’d like some time alone as a family in the first couple of days and need her to understand that. That’s all I’d say. I’m sure she won’t be thrilled, but she’ll have to get over it. It’s your birth experience and your choice

 

[tinash]

@davidluxembourg I think you're right. That's just not a conversation I look forward to. She takes things super personally a lot of the time.

 

[jusrme]

@davidluxembourg And just keep repeating that! No need for further elaboration, OP is an adult and doesn’t need to justify her needs to her mother.

 

[tinash]

@jusrme Thank you! Sometimes we need reminded that we shouldn’t have to justify ourselves!

 

[chadpokey5]

@tinash “Mom, I’ve been thinking about my birth plan a bit lately and I realized right now my ideal experience is just partner and I. Based on your years of experience in L&D I know you understand how important it is for expectant moms to feel comfortable and respected in their choices, so I’m going to ask that you respect this choice.”
Or something similar. You can add when you think you’d like her to visit as well so she has some idea of what you’re thinking.
It’s possible as the birth gets closer you may change your mind so I would be gentle but firm with her and not burn any bridges in case her help is really needed (tough labour or complications).
Wishing you a smooth pregnancy and low stress conversation with your mom.

 

[tinash]

@chadpokey5 Thank you for this. It's such a hard conversation to have that won't either piss her off or make her take it personally. I just want to be able to enjoy our new baby with just my husband and not have my mom hovering around. It's something that I've talked about since before we even got pregnant with this baby. And yes, it could potentially change as birth gets closer, as you said, but I doubt it will. But this wording is a great way to start that conversation. Thank you!

 

[chadpokey5]

@tinash Definitely a tough conversation and she may have some mixed feelings in reaction to it. But her feelings are not your responsibility. This is truly a situation where your needs and wants take total priority over her wants. To lighten the blow I’d gently segue into a conversation about what she wants to be called, give her something baby related that she can have if you’re open to it.

 

[siyabong]

@tinash Hi! This can be so tough to think through. I worked through this with my therapist and husband and found it easier to focus on what you want/are willing to do vs what you don’t want. Getting on the same page with your partner on what you want and then communicating that. The conversations I had from that perspective went way better.

I’m 37 weeks and what this meant for us was we have people designated as “helpers” and “visitors” and those roles and boundaries are very different. We live in a different state from all of our family, we felt that my FIL and his wife would be the most helpful during this time (vs my mom or MIL) so we asked them to fill the “helper” role. We communicated to all other grandparents that they are welcome to meet baby but they would have a “visitor” role. Those conversations went well. Everyone who is coming has booked airbnbs because we communicated that while we are so excited for them to be involved, we will need some alone time as a new family. Reframing it was so helpful for me and ultimately led to me getting what I want without causing any drama.

Wishing you the best!

 

[tinash]

@siyabong Omg this is a great way to go about it. Thank you so much for this suggestion! It'll still be hard to get my mom to understand that a helper role means she doesn't get to butt in but it may be a better way to get her to understand that this is my birth experience and not hers/not about her.

 

[bzrain59]

@tinash I also don’t want my mom there because she drives me crazy with her questions and comments, and I just want it to be my husband and I with the baby. She lives on the other side of the country so I just told her I don’t want her to fly in and potentially get baby sick. I said no visitors until baby gets all shots so earliest she can come is 2 months later. That seems to have done the trick!

 

[tinash]

@bzrain59 My mom lives in the midwest and I live on the west coast. I am very worried about her flying in because she isn't super careful about covid anymore. Not like she should be. Maybe that would be enough to keep her away for a little bit but I doubt it. Still might give it a try though.

 

[bzrain59]

@tinash RSV/covid/flu are really no joke for a newborn with weak immune system! I would stand firm on this, as it’s your baby’s health/life which trumps your mom’s temporarily hurt feelings. Another thing you could do is tell her your hospital/doctor said only one visitor is allowed or preferred which will be your husband so even if she came she couldn’t be there. I considered saying this in case the other method didn’t work lol.

 

[tinash]

@bzrain59 Ooh I like that visitor line! And while I totally agree about covid/flu/RSV my mom is the type to kiss babies anyway regardless of if you tell her no. She will sneak a kiss if she can. So I am extra paranoid about her being here. She loves babies like no other. So in addition to having a newborn we will have to keep an eye on her like a hawk. But with the a few of the suggestions of assigning roles and your visitor line plus the one another suggested about needing her once my husband's paternity leave is up that might do it. She will be mad she isn't here since day 1 but at least I can blame that part on hospital policy.

 

[lizawales]

@tinash My mum isn’t a nurse but she said a similar thing. After a mini panic attack, I simply sent a message and said something like “I really appreciate the offer (it wasn’t an offer, it was more of a telling, but you know) but I’d prefer it to just be me and husband for the birth and first few weeks.“
Generally best to keep it short and sweet but depending on their personality, you could add more reasoning to be less cold. If she’s flying in, like mine would, you could also say that you don’t want to waste her time off/her money paying for a hotel, that bub could come anytime 38-42 weeks.
Emphasise you’d rather spend time with her when you and bub are a bit more awake/recovered and can enjoy it more. Maybe suggest something fun you could do together once you’re ready to see her (stressing that you’ll be more able).

 

[tinash]

@lizawales Everyone here is so helpful and with such beautiful suggestions. Thank you for this wording! I think it will be very helpful in figuring out exactly what to tell her. I really like the part where you called it an offer even though it's clearly not an offer. That's good!

 

[midddeb]

@tinash You just have to tip the bandaid off and let her feel her feelings about it without budging.

 

[randyy]

@tinash I have the same issue, my mom is a nurse (not L&D) and we are close, and she's a long flight away and expects to be here blah blah. She says the most insensitive hurtful things when I'm the most vulnerable sometimes, so I was really conflicted about if and when I would want her to come.

Anyway, I think we came to the compromise that she'll only buy her flight when I'm actually in labor, and she'll stay at a hotel when she's here. That way she can leave when we get close to a fight, but she'll still be here for me and be able to cook etc.

 

[tinash]

@randyy I wish it didn't have to be this difficult! But I like this plan. I think yours combines with another user's of having "helper" vs "visitor" roles might be a good combo for me.

 

[blackdolphin]

@tinash Hi!
Ooo this is tough. I had to have a conversation with my mom about this as well. I explained to my mom that I’d need her help after my husband’s paternity leave which is about a month. So we can bond and figure out our routines and what not. She seemed to understand and it was left at that. However, I know we are going to butt head when my mom is here. It’s so hard to plan ahead when you don’t know what to expect.