How can I tell whether I really want another, or just feel like I should?

@om4e Maybe I didn't word a lot of those well.

(1) I was only thinking of how much enjoyment I got out of my relationship with my sibling (and presumably it was mutual as we remain good friends) and how I wouldn't want to deprive her of the opportunity to have the same. But I take your point that it could go either way so it's really neutral, which I kind of already said.

(2) I didn't mean that I want to pay less attention to my child. I more meant that they might feel less pressure or expectations on them, more freedom to explore different interests. I don't know what it's like to be an only child but I wonder if she'd feel pressured to conform to certain societal expectations. For example, if she chooses not to have kids of her own, that's fine with me but then she might feel bad about not giving us grandkids. Whereas if we have two kids then she might not feel as bad about that decision if she knows the other sibling could still have kids. Just general stuff like that. We will try our best to be conscious of not burdening her with expectations but things can be done subconsciously.

(3) I didn't mean caring financially. We're planning for retirement and should have no problems there, barring unforeseen catastrophe. But I mean the general familial responsibilities. Coming over to help your elderly parents with home repairs or technology. Driving them to doctors appointments when they get too old. Etc.
 
@amandabritobaez I wouldn't make any decisions now. An age gap is not a big deal and can be a good thing. I had a very small age gap with my sibling and did not like it, everything is a direct competition and you don't need to develop social skills like making friends which held me back. Any friends I did make become 'our friends' which was annoying. Nothing was ever just mine, no one on one time with parents. Enjoy the child you have right now and put this to the back of your mind until you are sure.
 
@amandabritobaez It seems like you should have another if it is what you want, not because you think it is something your existing child would want or may benefit from. Also, seperate what could happen into what will happen.
 
@raymondven That's what I'm struggling with. I don't know how to set aside all these what-ifs to tell what I really want deep down. I know if we really wanted another we could definitely make it work. But I don't want to make a decision I regret. I know no mother would ever admit to regretting having their child, but if something happens that blows up the currently perfect life we've built for ourselves, will I regret it deep down in my heart of hearts?
 
@amandabritobaez You call you're current life perfect. It seems a lot to gamble.

Also, a close gap is relative. Now that my sibling and I are in our early 30s/late 20s the 4 years between us seems inconsequential.
 
@raymondven If I knew for sure that I WANT another then I know we could make it work. I just don't know how to know what is actual desire and what is expectations or fears talking.

It's more about my age. I'm in my 30s so I don't have unlimited time, and don't want to be too old raising young kids.
 
@amandabritobaez I'm in a similar situation - my first is almost 6 months old and I've been trying to decide if I want a second for the past 2 months. I'm 37 so I can't follow the advice of giving myself time to think, and I am scared of the very real possibility that even if I decide I want a second it might not be possible.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy but health issues after giving birth. What they thought was pre-eclampsia at 39 weeks turned out to be high blood pressure caused by hyperparathyroidism and hypercalcaemia. When he was three months I was in hospital for 2 weeks having the tumour removed and recovering. I am still going through tests to see if there is a genetic condition behind it. Sigh.

So I have all of that as very real and practical considerations but can't stop thinking about having a second. My heart feels like I have alot of love to give and would really enjoy two beautiful kids but I am a worrier so at the same time I worry about giving my first enough time and attention; what if my second is more high needs; what if it's too high stress and also causes my marriage to suffer? Would I be happier or somehow regret it?

This probably is not helpful to your question at all, but wanted to say I'm in a similar position where sadly age means I can't deliberate for long.
 
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