@blackdolphin Yes, very hard! But this may be a great way to go about it. I appreciate your suggestion! So many people here have given me so many great ways to go about this.
How can I tell my mom I don’t want her there for delivery even though she’s a L&D nurse?
- Thread starter tinash
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@tinash are you me? my mom is an L&D nurse and lived across the country from us when my first was born. she talked about trying to come for the delivery, which I did not want for the same reasons you don't. Because of my disability, I am also high risk — mom's specialty!
What I told her is that I would love her support but knew she would not be able to turn the professional part off and just be there as my mom. There were many specialists consulting on my care (neuro, ortho, anesthesia, urology) as well as the MFM team, and it could be dangerous for her to interfere. You may not have quite the same situation, but the first part obtains. You want your team to do what her team would do if you were in their care, and you worry she will end up being the difficult family she's always complaining to you about.
What I told her is that I would love her support but knew she would not be able to turn the professional part off and just be there as my mom. There were many specialists consulting on my care (neuro, ortho, anesthesia, urology) as well as the MFM team, and it could be dangerous for her to interfere. You may not have quite the same situation, but the first part obtains. You want your team to do what her team would do if you were in their care, and you worry she will end up being the difficult family she's always complaining to you about.
@mikeymoo Your entire response is exactly what I’m afraid of. She already tries to do the professional part when she’s on the phone with me and I have to remind her that I have an entire team of specialists whose instruction I am following. Though shockingly the other day she did tell me to let her know if she gets too annoying about asking about one of my health conditions that makes this high risk.
mercyfollowsme
New member
@mercyfollowsme Thank you for the wording! All these responses have been helpful in figuring out the best way to approach her. I’m definitely going to be firm in my decision for delivery.
@woodnymph Yeah I told her to slow down because she's getting way too far ahead of herself when we don't even have an actual due date yet. She was like, "I know. I'm just thinking." but I know that really means she's already counting days on the calendar. Her being a labor and delivery nurse makes this so much harder because she's knows all about it. But I think with everyone's suggestions here I'll be able to figure out the best way to get her to not jump on a plan so early. Thank you for the help!
feelinglostagain
New member
@tinash Yeah and try to see her side positivity also! I bet she is sooo excited for you after also struggling and feels she can be so helpful, so see it as a positive! But of course stick to your boundaries like I'm so excited to know you'll be here for me with questions etc but we want to just be in the room alone, I'll let you know if that changes etc!
@feelinglostagain Thank you for reminding me to see the positive side of her excitement. 
@tinash My mom is not a medical professional at all, and she lives an hour away so no need for her to stay with us. But we don’t want her at our birth either, nor do we even want her to know when I’m labour.
I basically told her this very bluntly in a casual conversation very early on. She doesn’t like it, she’s brought it up angrily once, but whatever. Honestly, I think earlier is better as it gives time to get the emotions out and adjust before it’s high pressure time.
Good luck!
I basically told her this very bluntly in a casual conversation very early on. She doesn’t like it, she’s brought it up angrily once, but whatever. Honestly, I think earlier is better as it gives time to get the emotions out and adjust before it’s high pressure time.
Good luck!
@tinash I feel like I literally just posted this exact same thing lol
I think you just need to be as clear and as kind as possible. She's going to feel whatever she's going to feel regardless if she's super into being there, but as long as your reasons are about you and not about her then hopefully she'll get over it and be happy to support you in whatever way is best for you. I think it's always better to be clear than to bottle things up for the sake of others
I think you just need to be as clear and as kind as possible. She's going to feel whatever she's going to feel regardless if she's super into being there, but as long as your reasons are about you and not about her then hopefully she'll get over it and be happy to support you in whatever way is best for you. I think it's always better to be clear than to bottle things up for the sake of others
@tinash I had to have a similar conversation with my mom when I was pregnant with my son. She was my support for the birth of my first child, who is not my husband's biological child. So our son was his first birth experience. We decided that it would be just the two of us. And my mother could not understand why despite being told repeatedly. She even had my dad talk to me. I kept hearing "if you want your mom/me in the room, you have to hold your ground with Nick (my husband)." It literally took me saying "I want it to be just Nick and I. We decided on it together. He did not force me. Now stop asking."
She stopped asking but still showed up to the waiting room and tried to talk a nurse into letting her in. It didn't work because the nurses in L&D are amazing, but it was annoying. I'm sorry you're going through this.
She stopped asking but still showed up to the waiting room and tried to talk a nurse into letting her in. It didn't work because the nurses in L&D are amazing, but it was annoying. I'm sorry you're going through this.
kyleiferous
New member
@kyleiferous I’m sorry you lost her and are missing her.