Why can’t people mind their own business?

[kurtschultz]

I’ve always been of the mindset that asking people/couples about having kids shouldn’t be anybody’s damn business but themselves. I hate it when people respond to me saying we’re OAD, with “oh you gotta give them a little friend to play with”, or something to that affect. I find it offensive. I would absolutely LOVE to have a second, I love my 9 m/o daughter so much, and I would love nothing more than to have another, however we’ve discussed it and it just isn’t in the cards for basically the same reasons that are constantly brought up in this sub. Anyway, it pisses me off when people push back and say l things like that. I would never compare my situation to that of people who struggled with conception, but I feel like people don’t seem to understand that for a lot of us, this was a difficult decision that we did not take lightly. I’d love a “modern family” type situation but it’s just not gonna happen for us, and I don’t need Karen telling me that my daughter needs a friend to grow up with.

 

[dspeters5]

@kurtschultz “My family size is not available for commentary or discussion.” You could potentially add “this is a very painful subject for my family”

 

[biblicalselfdefense]

@kurtschultz No one is forcing you to tell them these things. Treat it like any other invasive question.

"It's kind of a sore subject right now, I don't really want to get into it."

"Gee I'm not sure!" then change the subject.

"Well that's a loaded question" then change the subject.

"Let's not even get into THAT" with a smile.

People are usually just making conversation and if you give them a lot of info they are going to assume you WANT to talk it out. If you come at it like you're not confident or happy about your decision they're going to think they need to play devil's advocate because you want help deciding-- and you're clearly not happy about OAD, which is fine but if you don't want "help" with the issue then you need to be clear about it.

 

[between_winds]

@biblicalselfdefense I really like your last one! It can also be quite funny with the right circumstances. "This morning at four am I changed a blowout of epic proportions, let's not get into what it would be like with two!" or kinda glare at them with "I'd rather not even get into that. It's been two weeks of teething and taking HOURS to get them to sleep. I'm about done with the one I have!"

 

[artzmel11]

@kurtschultz I had a flashback when out walking that I used to in my child-less days as a 'single' male often badger friends and coworkers who had a child 'oh you make a cute kid, should have another'.....now 19 months deep in the parenting world im like holy F*** it is hard work.
If someone was to recite the same line, i would probably punch them in the face.
Buddy of mine, married with 5 kids (yep, gulp) he said IF he had his time over probably live a single man life OR at most have 2. I told him I am OAD (wife on the fence at this stage) and he applauded me for it.

 

[annusharma]

@kurtschultz My mom is super pushy on this and LO is only 15 weeks. I always respond with “well, if you want to pay for the next one then sure” and she will usually drop it for the moment.

 

[louelie]

@kurtschultz Yes, I totally feel you!

My parents are cornering me a lot now LO is almost 3. When I tell them I don't want to do this again (had a burnout during my pregnancy that turned into PPD, which I'm still recovering from), they sort of laugh at me and tell me I shouldn't complain, since they had 4 . People truly don't understand that it's not their business and that it hurts to keep explaining yourself.

I love my LO with all my heart... I feel much better than I used to, I don't want to go through another patch of sleep deprivation, while my body constantly tells me it can't handle lack of sleep anymore, my body truly aches when I didn't sleep enough... I want to be the best me, for my LO... so I truly believe that having another baby is definitely not in my LO's best interest

 

[loreec]

@kurtschultz It’s because having an only is mildly vilified and it’s not the norm. So it makes others uncomfortable.

I don’t agree with that it’s just what I’ve heard people tell my mom and dad since I’m an adult only.

 

[morpat123]

@loreec I bet half of them vilifying it feel some sort of resentment because they see triangle families enjoying their lives too much compared to the mess they find themselves in. And I know everyone loves their kids and would never give them, but many would be lying if they said they didn't enjoy their lives more before having kids (at least in those early years). So I feel like a lot of those with multiples need to post purchase rationalize their own decisions by talking down on those OAD.

"Because if I can't have it then neither should you".

My response is, too bad its not your choice. And so deal with it because I intend to keep my life, that my entire family enjoys, exactly as it is.

 

[admin001]

@kurtschultz I hate it. After having my son I’ve been way more aware of what I say to other parents. I think sometimes it’s an automatic response and a conversation starter but it’s just inappropriate. My sons daycare lady, who he’s been with since he was 3 months old, is always making comments about us having another. Literally 2-3 times a week she says something. And this is after I told her I had a miscarriage. I’ve had people make the comment of “he needs a friend” and I just remind people (mainly family) that neither my husband or I get along with our brothers so there is no promise of a best friend.

 

[cometoyouhumbly]

@kurtschultz It’s just normal human behavior we have to adapt to, honestly.

A therapist explained it to me once this way: people think they’re being empathetic, and trying to make a human connection, but they’re not. They’re just serving their own self-interests of making a point, being curious, etc.

Another good example is if your arm is in a cast, let’s say. Tons of people will ask what happened, right? They’d say they’re concerned, want to offer help if needed. But really they’re more curious. They want to know what happened. And what if you don’t want to talk about it? Maybe something traumatic happened. Too bad, it’s getting brought up. Obviously you can easily ask for help when needed so you don’t need people to ask you what happened to solicit help. That beside the point.

Good luck getting people in general to learn that unsolicited advice is generally unwanted, though.

 

[yssa4w]

@kurtschultz Whenever uncomfortable small talk situations arise, I remember an interview with RuPaul where he mentions universal comebacks for every situation. Two of them are "I'll be the judge of that" and "I don't see how that's any of your business". If someone really got pushy/nosey/judgy with me on my own family choices, I'm definitely using one of those, and either changing the subject or ending the conversation.

 

[necronomic]

@yssa4w You just made me remember that! I completely forgot about that interview. Thanks RuPaul was on point there.

 

[katrina2017]

@kurtschultz I find it so odd that people have such strong opinions on it too, like esp without any first hand experience.

 

[kj91]

@kurtschultz I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be. I personally never get that crap and just realized it’s because I’m an only child myself. Maybe people just assume I wanted the same for my kiddo?

 

[bcraig_6973]

@kj91 Well usually they cite what is wrong with being an only child so it can be offensive . But some people like my mil would list everything wrong with only child knowing I am an only child. Lol but she is socially inept

 

[jubal1345]

@kurtschultz There are lots of great responses here. If someone gets pushy with me, I like to remind them that organza is a medical condition, and my medical decisions are not their business and not open for discussion.

 

[between_winds]

@kurtschultz To answer your question, I truly don't know. If they were genuinely curious and kind you probably wouldn't mind. But people are so vocal about their opinions and you might not know until you've already started talking. There's lots of good responses so far that can shut it down real quick! I've got a couple of my own that I like to use.

"I wish we could, I'm not ready to go into details right now" said sadly, they'll probably make their own assumptions and likely drop it.

My favorite is "Oh, are you offering to pay for it?" said teasingly and with laughter, I've actually never had anyone continue to push it after this even though I'm clearly joking.

My second favorite is saying "I guess we'll see what happens!" happily and leaving it at that. They usually assume you're agreeing with them and kinda nod. But ultimately if you're close to them, they'll see down the road that you're serious. And if you're not close, they can assume whatever they want, it won't matter.

My daughter was 2 mo. when my husband got a vasectomy, and if people want to know details about our family planning I gladly give them uncomfortable details. Our siblings know about the snip, but none of our parents do because it's not their business and I just don't want to hear about it. So sometimes they still probe a bit. I think it's actually better now at almost 3 than it was in the first year, so hang in there! I maintain current attitudes by vocalizing what I'm thinking internally. That I wouldn't be enjoying having a toddler so much if I was pregnant, that I can't imagine how difficult a newborn would be with a toddler, that she sleeps so well now, etc.

I think our family members who don't know about the vasectomy think we'll change our minds eventually, but they can think whatever they want as long as I don't have to hear about it. I cared a lot more when she was a baby that I make people understand how serious I am, but it's like anything else people have opinions on and I gave up. I feel much more relaxed not worrying about what they think at all, and steering the conversation in a way I'm comfortable with.

 

[harpburns]

@kurtschultz Because they they people.