I've felt this. My husband did almost the same thing around this time of year. We were out to eat and he mentioned how he would probably like to start having kids soon so we wouldn't be raising them too long into his retirement. I asked when he wanted to start and he said in december. I got excited, as this was about half a year after tfpr.
That December rolls around and then he tells me that no, he doesn't want to try and we don't have the money for it. I was devastated, to say the least. That was two years ago and when I tell him not to do that again when our grad date comes around he says it never happened a first time. He forgot how he shut me down like that. I was so angry. So while it wasn't as sudden, I still know the pain you feel from stewing with excitement and then just being shut down. It hurts.
@lostchildnomore I’m so sorry you’ve felt this hurt before as well. I’m most definitely going to put my foot down, just as you did, and let him know that once a timeline is set we are sticking to it. I can’t even imagine the sadness and thought of missing out that I’m going to feel though if I do have to wait many months. When Christmas comes I’m going to be thinking “I wish we could announce it now during such a joyous time.”
@charlyrich Be strong and firm. Your feelings about the matter are as valid as his, and I hope your timeline gets nailed down -- hopefully set before mine arrives. The last two-three years of longing have been hard. If you want to vent or anything, my dms are open and I'm always free to listen.
@lostchildnomore Thank you so much! Do you mind me asking how you cope with waiting? I want to try because I feel ready at this time in my life. I’ve gotten older and I really cannot stand the idea of living to work. That’s all it feels like right now. Like I’m working to maybe enjoy a good book on the weekend? For the most part I’m just bored living my life for myself. Although I may be the only one that feels like that. Please feel free for any input!
@charlyrich No problem! This will be a long ramble because I'm terrible about putting my thoughts together, so please excuse me. These are all things that help me, so pick and choose what you think will work for you, because everyone's brain is wired differently.
I actually don't work because of anxiety/depression/chronic pain, although I wish I could to a) have something to do and b) contribute to finances. I honestly get the feeling of "living to work" and its contributed a lot of anxiety and stress to me while working in the past, so my biggest sentiment there is find anything at your workplace that you can put appreciation into. "I appreciate this job because ______" anything works.
To fill my time however, I've started going to the gym with my husband, as we both wanted to lose weight and get in shape. I try to go 4x a week for about an hour but I have to pace myself with the chronic pain.
It helps that I don't have any irl friends around me that have kids, or are pregnant etc. My one friend that does have kids is in another country and we don't talk often. My husband's friend that has a kid we don't really talk to anymore either as they're too busy with said child. We had one online friend have a baby in the last month or so, and I surprisingly wasn't upset about it. I was so so happy for her and honestly surprised myself with my reaction after having spent so much time being bitter.
Hobbies are important. Pick up something new!
I play an MMORPG (FFXIV, hit me up anyone that reads this and plays!). This fills a lot of my time because I'm a hermit lol
I also cross stitch! I picked out a pattern I liked and wanted to do for our future nursery. I'm looking forward to working on it a little later
I don't personally do it myself, but I hear journaling is really helpful if that's your thing. I do follow /r/bulletjournal because I love the aesthetic of it but I have so little motivation/engagement that I just like to watch rather than participate myself.
I also pintrest the shit out of everything. I don't really restrict myself from seeing things I'd like for a nursery, or planning out baby gear etc. (I even did a sketchup model of the nursery to try colors and furniture positioning!) But that's me. Put yourself on your own info diet if it saves you unnecessary grief. However if I'm feeling extra broody and need to be "soothed" I will indulge in some baby things instead of restricting myself -- birth vlogs, stalking /r/trollingforababy, /r/TryingForABaby and /r/BabyBumps especially.
I also milestone things. A simple one for me is that I pick up my birth control in packs of 3 month dosages. So I only have to pick up my birth control 2 more times before I stop and we start using condoms instead while I track cycles and start taking prenatals. I'll even break it down further to, just ~14 more periods to go. Months don't feel so long to me when I remember I'm gonna bleed at the end of them lol
Sometimes, the thought just goes away for a bit. While waiting for my husband to figure out a timeline, I was kind of mentally off the boat for a year because I didn't know when he would decide he felt ready. My brain just kind of filed it away because I didn't need to be putting energy into something that would just stress me out because I didn't know -- I'm type A and not knowing has been really really hard, so I'm kinda glad my brain just was like "nope, no more. we're not doing this, time out."
I do also spend a lot of time day dreaming about things, especially with only 1 year to go. How I'll react when I get pregnant, how my husband will react. How we'll tell our family. How our child will be. Even the bad things like, how will I cope with having a child? My routines will all change and its all new territory to me.
tl;dr it is really really hard to wait. The first year after the shut down was difficult for me mentally. I moped and cried and got really depressed about it. I just use the best distraction techniques for my dumb brain full of cobwebs.
edit: I thought of more things:
appreciate the time you have as you and your SO now. Sometimes I get so swallowed up in the prospect of family I forget how nice it is to just be the two of us.
We have some projects around the house -- specifically turning an old closet into a little computer nook for me. The nursery being painted and such is just another project that I get to look forward to.
@charlyrich That sounds really tough situation to be in. I don't really know what to say but I want to say that how you feel is completely valid and I would feel absolutely heart broken if my partner done that to me. I don't think they understand the internal feeling/need we can feel, wanting to start a family and have babies. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you are okay stay strong x
@charlyrich I'm so sorry you're going through this. My boyfriend did a similar thing to me and its an awful feeling that I would never wish upon anyone. He went from saying we can TTC mid next year, to Nov next year to now 2022. I had to find out indirectly from him telling me he doesnt want to get married next year (so TTC is out the window since he's traditional).
You need to sit down with him and discuss a firm TTC date. I went to therapy which brought up a different perspective, though I didn't find useful in dealing with the anxiety and pain. He agreed to getting a puppy which has taken my mind off WTT for the next while.
I still have a seed of doubt in my mind that once we do get to 2022, he will push it back further, so I made a promise to myself that I won't wait for anyone once I get there. He is entitled to his own timeline but by then I'll be 29 going on 30. I know I want at least two kids and who knows how long my TTC journey will be!
@charlyrich It sounds like he is not ready for parenthood. As much as that reality absolutely sucks, in my experience, prodding and bringing up the subject of kids makes the situation worse. I did this for years before my husband was ready to have a serious conversation surrounding kids, which led to many heated, awful fights.
Have you considered getting a dog? My puppy (16 months now) is an awesome outlet for my nurturing. I baby him and love on him more than my husband, according to him, and he’s not wrong! Ha. But in all seriousness, before my dog, I used to spend HOURS sitting around looking at Instagram at XYZ couple who just announced yet another pregnancy and get so depressed. Now all of that time is occupied with my dog, and it’s been so critical for my mental health. I’ve always been a nurturing person and I can’t stress how awful not having a dog was. Now the WTT phase is tolerable, and I’m actually fearful of how the dynamic will be once a baby comes into the picture because I am so sad I won’t be able to devote so much attention to my dog. Just a thought!!
@charlyrich I feel ya lady. A couple years ago my husband and I were actually trying and then he pulled the rug out from under me during month 3 that he didn't want to continue trying (marital issues). It was hard and painful. I cried a lot and was upset too. The only thing that made me feel accepting of it is that 1) I knew he was right we needed to work on our marriage first(Not trying to say this is your issue) and 2) When we do try I want him to be excited and happy. I don't want to start a family with someone who doesn't want it.
So just like how he asked you why you want a baby, I suppose you can ask him why he doesn't feel ready and why he wants to wait. I totally understand your feeling of why you want one. It feels so good to love and nurture someone else, specially someone that will be your family for the rest of your life. It's natural. If you and your partner are at a stand still with this for awhile and can't make progress therapy might be helpful. Therapy has helped me so much this year, now my marriage is so much better than it was a couple years ago and I'm glad we waited.
PS also if you do plan to start trying soon don't forget to get on prenatal early (3 months in advance) and make sure you're up to date on all your vaccines. I just got my blood tested today to see what I still have immunity towards to know what shots I might need before trying.
@charlyrich Well I think you shouldn't have to wait!, You have waited long enough . Tell you one thing I'm 42 in great shape, and I want babies .if you want you can be with me!,we will have all the babies you want, I am ready to have babies and my ex didn't want them.now your the only person I have heard that wants them too.lets get pregnant and have them together please?
stay strong x