matthewg22
New member
@jeremiah17 My MIL sent thank you cards to people who sent her condolence cards! (She also sent them to people who sent flowers, food, etc) I thought she was crazy, but she wanted to.
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What to do for working mom of two that just lost her husband?
- Thread starter hman
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- working moms
@matthewg22 Sometimes corresponding with people who cared enough to reach out is a respite from the loneliness and sorrow.
@chrisitanmom After my late husband passed I wrote one thank you card on a google doc that my sister sent out on a variety of platforms for me. The support I received from my community necessitated a personal response but I did not have the bandwidth to individualize. And I really wanted to make sure others knew how much their support kept me afloat. This seemed to work well for the situation and I’d highly recommend for anyone dealing with loss in the future.
@hman Child care would be a big one. She'll need time to plan the funeral, deal with insurance (life insurance, potentially health insurance due to cause of death), potentially dealing with his belongings, and then just time for her to grieve on her own, without having to put up a front for her children. Offer to babysit or find a babysitter for her. Take her kids somewhere fun for the day a few times. Don't ask her when she wants one - tell her "hey you're getting a babysitter on this day from this time to this time. Does that work?" If it doesn't she can let you know, but if it does then she just has to agree and no additional planning is needed from her. Even if all you do is offer to pay for daycare for a week, that still would be helpful!
And remember that she'll probably have a lot of help for the first few months. It's usually after about 3-4 months that the meals and offers of help start to disappear, because that's when everyone else has started moving on with their lives. That's a good time to reach out to her again, let her know that there's still people thinking about her.
And remember that she'll probably have a lot of help for the first few months. It's usually after about 3-4 months that the meals and offers of help start to disappear, because that's when everyone else has started moving on with their lives. That's a good time to reach out to her again, let her know that there's still people thinking about her.
@hman A coworker lost her husband a year ago while pregnant with their 2nd child.
Exec management gave her a 6 week paid leave. Upper management group sent her a $300 DoorDash gift card the day after we found out. And then we also got a link to a go fund me page that had already been set up by a close friend of hers and shared that with everyone who works in our location - around $5000 was raised by our group alone.
As many of us as possible also attended the funeral (about 20 of us) to show our love and support.
While it may seem impersonal, I really do think that cash/gift cards can be one of the most helpful gifts so the impacted person/their support system can allocate those funds where they are needed (funeral costs, childcare, cleaning service, etc).
Exec management gave her a 6 week paid leave. Upper management group sent her a $300 DoorDash gift card the day after we found out. And then we also got a link to a go fund me page that had already been set up by a close friend of hers and shared that with everyone who works in our location - around $5000 was raised by our group alone.
As many of us as possible also attended the funeral (about 20 of us) to show our love and support.
While it may seem impersonal, I really do think that cash/gift cards can be one of the most helpful gifts so the impacted person/their support system can allocate those funds where they are needed (funeral costs, childcare, cleaning service, etc).
garfield77
New member
@hman As someone who lost their dad while they were a child, for the love of god don’t do frozen meals. Everyone else is going to think of frozen meals already. I am 25 years old and I still cannot stomach lasagna, and I’m Italian. We threw away so many giant tin trays of lasagna.
And honestly, she’s not going to want to cook either. I lived off of peanut butter sandwiches for a year, sometimes only spoonfuls of peanut butter, because my mom was so out of it and only barely functioned on autopilot after losing her soulmate. She’s gonna need very basics of groceries, help with laundry, cleaning, mowing, childcare help, and some time off so she can process as well. But the biggest thing, people & help offers disappear after a few weeks. Most don’t last long after 3 months. And the after, that’s when help is most needed. Anything you say now, she will not remember. Words don’t amount to much. A message of “let me know if you need anything” is not helpful. A “I am getting groceries, what do you want/need.” Or maybe an instacart order? Hiring a cleaning crew or a lawncare worker would be nice and helpful.
When my dad passed away, there were also people in my community that would take my siblings out for the day. They’d go to an aquarium, fishing, visit the fire station, fun things to make them happy but also give my mom (and me, I turned into what they call the 3rd parent) a break.
And honestly, she’s not going to want to cook either. I lived off of peanut butter sandwiches for a year, sometimes only spoonfuls of peanut butter, because my mom was so out of it and only barely functioned on autopilot after losing her soulmate. She’s gonna need very basics of groceries, help with laundry, cleaning, mowing, childcare help, and some time off so she can process as well. But the biggest thing, people & help offers disappear after a few weeks. Most don’t last long after 3 months. And the after, that’s when help is most needed. Anything you say now, she will not remember. Words don’t amount to much. A message of “let me know if you need anything” is not helpful. A “I am getting groceries, what do you want/need.” Or maybe an instacart order? Hiring a cleaning crew or a lawncare worker would be nice and helpful.
When my dad passed away, there were also people in my community that would take my siblings out for the day. They’d go to an aquarium, fishing, visit the fire station, fun things to make them happy but also give my mom (and me, I turned into what they call the 3rd parent) a break.
hollyroller7
New member
@hman I agree that Uber eats and/or doordash gift cards can be helpful, however, I would make sure with people close to her that these are things she actually uses. Not everyone uses these services, and then she’d have to go through the process of figuring out downloading the app, having to put in payment info, etc.
I would also ask her friends if she would be interested in a version of a meal train but with childcare. Like, set up a schedule where someone signs up to watch her kids from X to Y time each day for as many days as she needs. That way she can determine which hours of the day and how long would be helpful to her and someone can take that off her plate.
I would also ask her friends if she would be interested in a version of a meal train but with childcare. Like, set up a schedule where someone signs up to watch her kids from X to Y time each day for as many days as she needs. That way she can determine which hours of the day and how long would be helpful to her and someone can take that off her plate.
lostinthailand
New member
@hollyroller7 The “meal train” with childcare would be such a godsend. My husband hasn’t passed yet but he’s terminally ill and we have a 3 year old and a newborn. Childcare on the weekends is so daunting. I wouldn’t want to outsource it all because I do get a lot of energy and support from being around them but having one day where the 3 year old is not demanding all of my attention would be so nice. Bonus points if it were in the form of play dates with friends of the kids too so they are also entertained and don’t just feel pawned off on mom’s random friends.
@hollyroller7 Well not to mention that Uber eats and DoorDash a simply wasting money. Tip and fees associated with using delivery services could be money better spent elsewhere for a person who may otherwise be struggling.
Flip side, if I lost my girlfriend unexpectedly like that, cooking would be the very least of my things to do while trying not to come unglued… so maybe DD/UE is a better fit after all….
Flip side, if I lost my girlfriend unexpectedly like that, cooking would be the very least of my things to do while trying not to come unglued… so maybe DD/UE is a better fit after all….
@hman No first hand experience, but food would be helpful. Things that can be frozen and heated up easily. Maybe even grocery type items (bread, milk, eggs, fruit). I'd say remember to continue checking in the months after, as support tends to start disappearing. Help with childcare if that makes sense with the dynamic you have.
katrina2017
New member
@hman I’d say hire a cleaning service for her in the vein of “I’m doing this unless you refuse”. It’s not helpful to ask what she needs. I may even steer clear of gift cards as they can be cumbersome, and while the thought is appreciated she may not have the wherewithal to use them. Cleaning and cooking and laundry are what any mom needs, especially one that has recently lost her main support person and love. From experience of losing my mom, people just coming over and doing stuff was a lifesaver. If you are not comfortable doing it yourself, call a cleaning company and set it up. Tell her it is set up already and what time/day they are coming. If she says xyz, then call the cleaning company to change it. But tell her cleaning 1x a week or whatever is covered for 8 weeks or however long.
melissa323
New member
@hman Lost my husband last year with two 18 year olds so a little different.
No flowers. Absolutely no flowers. They will need tending and no one has the time or inclination to handle that.
Food. All the food. None of us were ever up to cooking or planning meals. Having something already cooked or to be delivered (via gift cards or just ordering catering delivered) was amazing. This tapers off after the funeral and people tend to disappear then and I found that’s when we needed the most “help”. When the full force of what just happens hits, it’s devastating and harder to handle than when it first happened to me. Spoonful of Comfort has the best soups and we found that they were easy to make and eat. I’d suggest trying them!
I can imagine that childcare would be nice. If I would have had to worry about making my kids brush their teeth, take a daily shower or just organizing for them in general, it would have been much much harder.
People suggested I start a go fund me to help with expenses. I didn’t because I’m stubborn to a fault but thinking back on it, it would have helped so very much. If that’s something you feel like you could do on their behalf, talk to them about it. I would not have had the mental capacity to even think about organizing it.
We had a ton of people offer condolences. It would have been nice to have more than “let me know what I can do to help and I’m so sorry for your loss.” The one time I asked for help, no one helped. People tend to disappear after a couple weeks. Nothing in their life changed like just happened to your friend. I’m not saying anyone has a responsibility to cater to a widow or offer assistance but you can offer to your friend at a later time if you can pull it off.
No flowers. Absolutely no flowers. They will need tending and no one has the time or inclination to handle that.
Food. All the food. None of us were ever up to cooking or planning meals. Having something already cooked or to be delivered (via gift cards or just ordering catering delivered) was amazing. This tapers off after the funeral and people tend to disappear then and I found that’s when we needed the most “help”. When the full force of what just happens hits, it’s devastating and harder to handle than when it first happened to me. Spoonful of Comfort has the best soups and we found that they were easy to make and eat. I’d suggest trying them!
I can imagine that childcare would be nice. If I would have had to worry about making my kids brush their teeth, take a daily shower or just organizing for them in general, it would have been much much harder.
People suggested I start a go fund me to help with expenses. I didn’t because I’m stubborn to a fault but thinking back on it, it would have helped so very much. If that’s something you feel like you could do on their behalf, talk to them about it. I would not have had the mental capacity to even think about organizing it.
We had a ton of people offer condolences. It would have been nice to have more than “let me know what I can do to help and I’m so sorry for your loss.” The one time I asked for help, no one helped. People tend to disappear after a couple weeks. Nothing in their life changed like just happened to your friend. I’m not saying anyone has a responsibility to cater to a widow or offer assistance but you can offer to your friend at a later time if you can pull it off.
kenjisan70
New member
@hman My friend died of covid leaving his wife and kids of this same age. I just held his wife, hold the kids, and keep checking in on them.
One good thing is a cleaning service - so they have a nice, organised home. Another thing is gift cards for theme parks - the kids are old enough for some of them now.
One good thing is a cleaning service - so they have a nice, organised home. Another thing is gift cards for theme parks - the kids are old enough for some of them now.
katrina2017
New member
@hman Oh I got this. My husband died when my twins were 6. This is what you do:
- offer to take things to goodwill/donation for her. She's going to have some things that she needs to get rid of but also can't bear to do it and does not have the time to do it.
- buy her an entire med kit of things that kids need: children's tylenol, children's cough medicine, anti itch cream, bandaids, neosporin, tums, aloe vera burn gel, hydrogen peroxide AND a container to put them in. I can't tell you how many times as a widowed mother I had one child sick at 11pm and I was stuck because the other child was sleeping and/or nothing was open.
- go over and clean her gutters. I had not even thought about this and a neighbor did it for me and it was really helpful. Same with cleaning out the dryer vents.
- if you are handy, go over and fix anything that needs fixing. A bunch of things break when one is grieving and not paying attention to maintenancee. Change the air filter, check faucets, change lightbulbs. If car-handy, get the car serviced so that it does not die on her when she needs it.
- go over and scrub her bathroom/kitchen/floors. She is grieving and has no time for cleaning while trying to parent two small kids.
- show up and do laundry. Wash all the bedding. Be chill and not overly talkative.
- go over and mow her lawn/weed/water. Yardwork goes out the window at that time. (but if you weed, make sure you are not pulling up precious baby plants that she was trying to get growing)
- got a powerwasher? Powerwash her driveway/sidewalk. I didn't have this and one day a year in I slipped on my driveway and almost broke a bone.
- go to costco, bulk buy snacks her kids eat, and drop off a box. nothing refrigerated. Just things she can stick in a corner and pull out when they are hungry and she's too exhausted from crying in the shower to deal with food.
- Her 5yr old is in school (maybe?) offer to pick up said child and bring them home from school
- create "busy kits" for the kids, boxes with safe engaging things that the kids can play with so that she can focus on whatever she needs doing
- Show up and entertain kids so that she can take a shower. Do this weekly for a while. It might be the only long shower she really gets.
- if you know anyone with skills such as finance/legal/notary and are willing to help, offer to help her with all the post death cleanup.
- bring her stamps. Its stupid the things that need to be sent in the mail.
- drop off a box of chocolate about...3 months after he died. She'll be hitting the second wave of grief and a lot of the support structure will start to fade away and she's going to need to just sob for a bit.
- if she wants, create a private FB group and tell her that she can write anything in there. I created one called "The second circle" and I had 2 supportive friends in there..and I wrote about not knowing who I was anymore, about feeling like the bottom of the barrel when it came to dating because I was middle aged with two small children, about how my family said and did awful things after he died and I could not believe people. Let her vent. Be encouraging. (Read up on the Circle of Grief)
This is just off the top of my head. There's more. But hopefully this list helps.
- offer to take things to goodwill/donation for her. She's going to have some things that she needs to get rid of but also can't bear to do it and does not have the time to do it.
- buy her an entire med kit of things that kids need: children's tylenol, children's cough medicine, anti itch cream, bandaids, neosporin, tums, aloe vera burn gel, hydrogen peroxide AND a container to put them in. I can't tell you how many times as a widowed mother I had one child sick at 11pm and I was stuck because the other child was sleeping and/or nothing was open.
- go over and clean her gutters. I had not even thought about this and a neighbor did it for me and it was really helpful. Same with cleaning out the dryer vents.
- if you are handy, go over and fix anything that needs fixing. A bunch of things break when one is grieving and not paying attention to maintenancee. Change the air filter, check faucets, change lightbulbs. If car-handy, get the car serviced so that it does not die on her when she needs it.
- go over and scrub her bathroom/kitchen/floors. She is grieving and has no time for cleaning while trying to parent two small kids.
- show up and do laundry. Wash all the bedding. Be chill and not overly talkative.
- go over and mow her lawn/weed/water. Yardwork goes out the window at that time. (but if you weed, make sure you are not pulling up precious baby plants that she was trying to get growing)
- got a powerwasher? Powerwash her driveway/sidewalk. I didn't have this and one day a year in I slipped on my driveway and almost broke a bone.
- go to costco, bulk buy snacks her kids eat, and drop off a box. nothing refrigerated. Just things she can stick in a corner and pull out when they are hungry and she's too exhausted from crying in the shower to deal with food.
- Her 5yr old is in school (maybe?) offer to pick up said child and bring them home from school
- create "busy kits" for the kids, boxes with safe engaging things that the kids can play with so that she can focus on whatever she needs doing
- Show up and entertain kids so that she can take a shower. Do this weekly for a while. It might be the only long shower she really gets.
- if you know anyone with skills such as finance/legal/notary and are willing to help, offer to help her with all the post death cleanup.
- bring her stamps. Its stupid the things that need to be sent in the mail.
- drop off a box of chocolate about...3 months after he died. She'll be hitting the second wave of grief and a lot of the support structure will start to fade away and she's going to need to just sob for a bit.
- if she wants, create a private FB group and tell her that she can write anything in there. I created one called "The second circle" and I had 2 supportive friends in there..and I wrote about not knowing who I was anymore, about feeling like the bottom of the barrel when it came to dating because I was middle aged with two small children, about how my family said and did awful things after he died and I could not believe people. Let her vent. Be encouraging. (Read up on the Circle of Grief)
This is just off the top of my head. There's more. But hopefully this list helps.
praiselord12356
New member
@hman What an awful situation! I would take cues or flat out ask those you know who ARE close to her what needs she has. It may be helpful to think about what you could do to help and make concrete suggestions. Sometimes it is overwhelming and it may be easier to say yes to something rather than think of it themselves. For example, you could offer to bring meals or gift cards, or provide childcare, cleaning, pet care, etc. if you are able.
@hman When my husband died unexpectedly my people just took charge. One close friend handled everything. Only she came to me with questions, everyone else went to her.
Cooked meals and delivered them. Took my grocery list and bought stuff. Drove my kids to soccer. Hired a cleaning crew to come every two weeks.
I wasn’t emotionally capable of directing their efforts.
So, NOT “do you want me to get your groceries?” But instead, “I am getting your groceries. Tell me what to buy or I’ll just get the basics”
Cooked meals and delivered them. Took my grocery list and bought stuff. Drove my kids to soccer. Hired a cleaning crew to come every two weeks.
I wasn’t emotionally capable of directing their efforts.
So, NOT “do you want me to get your groceries?” But instead, “I am getting your groceries. Tell me what to buy or I’ll just get the basics”
theheartofchrist
New member
nancymorris
New member
@hman I'm a widower for about 14 months now and have four kids at home. You can meal prep so she doesn't have to think too much about feeding herself along with the kids - I was most grateful for the meals I got. Also, just let her cry on your shoulder if she needs to. You don't need to say anything. Your being there is all the words needed.
If you're close to the kids, a day or even a few hours alone is always appreciated.
And for the love of God, do not tell her how sorry you are. I got so sick of hearing that..we know you're sorry, we know you don't know what else to say, but we know you care and that's why you will be there for them.
Lastly, (there's tons more but) don't drop her after 3/4 months of regular contact. She will tell you 'no' and 'not to bother' but don't listen and stay in contact. There are a few people who kept the contact up even if I didn't call back for a week or two, and those are the people I was thankful for. I was thankful for everyone and all the efforts made to take care of the kids and me, I truly was, but the people who kept 'checking in' turned into a different bond. It's hard to explain. Good luck and take care.
If you're close to the kids, a day or even a few hours alone is always appreciated.
And for the love of God, do not tell her how sorry you are. I got so sick of hearing that..we know you're sorry, we know you don't know what else to say, but we know you care and that's why you will be there for them.
Lastly, (there's tons more but) don't drop her after 3/4 months of regular contact. She will tell you 'no' and 'not to bother' but don't listen and stay in contact. There are a few people who kept the contact up even if I didn't call back for a week or two, and those are the people I was thankful for. I was thankful for everyone and all the efforts made to take care of the kids and me, I truly was, but the people who kept 'checking in' turned into a different bond. It's hard to explain. Good luck and take care.
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