@hman My husband passed unexpectedly 7 months ago. Food delivery gift cards were lifesavers. Many times I simply couldn’t eat, physically the stress and grief were too much. But my kids needed to eat, and I also hadn’t been doing much/any grocery shopping. The food delivery gift cards allowed me to easily, without much thought at all, order dinner for my kids and that helped me so much.
It sounds nice, but don’t offer to watch the kids, everyone will, many will be aggressive and my kids did not want to leave my side. It was annoying to have this be the one thing everyone wanted to help with, when it was the last thing I actually needed help with.
If you knew the husband, and had any memories, that was also something I treasured receiving, written out e memories in a card to be able to read to my kids later.
@hman If you know her well enough, tell her you'd love to take her kids for a fun day to a zoo or park or whatever, and to pick a weekend day in the next month that works. Then pick up the kids and give them a really fun day and give mom a quiet day to herself to do whatever she needs to do. Don't offer "sometime" or with a vague idea, make a concrete plan with times and you could even give her a choice of 3 or 4 days so it's fully scheduled at the end of the conversation.
@hman I have a good friend who has gone thru similar.
Regular check ins to see how they are doing. A lot of times people who have been around for years, and you THOUGHT you could count on them poof.
Ask when you talk to her if she needs a hand with anything. Help with laundry, or house, or meals, or if she just needs time alone.
@hman That happened in our kid’s school recently and the parents organized a meal train. My job is a bit crazy, so I just sent the mom an Uber eats gift card since I couldn’t rely on being home a particular day to deliver a meal. Plus, I didn’t know her that well but wanted to help.
@hman My best advice…actually DO what you tell her you will. My husband passed two months ago unexpectedly and there was such an outpour of people saying they’d do this or that but no one ever did. I still had to go to work and a couple times someone would say they’d drop off a meal for our two children but never did. It’s not demanded of anyone so please don’t offer if you don’t really want to help.
@hman You are such a kind person. My friend unfortunately went through this, and it was a terrible shock to suddenly find herself a widow raising two daughters (then ages 2.5 and 5). My friend appreciated the following: (1) gift cards for meals; (2) funds to put towards her daughters’ education and (3) regular check-ins to say hellos see how she was doing, with no pressure on her to respond if she was not up for it.
@hman I was in that exact situation 10 years ago, husband very suddenly passed away with a 2.5 & 5yr old. If the 3yr old is still in diapers take some and wipes. Also food is good but everyone brings it immediately and then when the real grieving kicks in a month later everyone else is back to their real lives and have forgotten. My suggestion would be food delivered later with paper products so no dishes to do, and plenty of bottled waters. Also just not being scared to say the deceased person’s name.
@hman Honestly, help her know ALL of her resources. If they were legally married she and the children and get his social security benefits until the children are 18 I believe. Also, have her contact the local department of human services, they can help apply for benefits she may qualify being a surviving spouse with small children.
But otherwise they just want support. Call to check in. Offer to go clean the house or help her get caught up on laundry. Don’t ask. Just go visit and offer to help persistently. Most mothers are stubborn and try to do everythign themselves. Go over on her day of Abe watch her kids so she can take a nap. It’s literally the little things nobody thinks about.
@hman Setup a go fund me account and direct everyone she knows there. People will donate and the money will be super helpful, one less thing to worry about.
@hman Food chain. Twice in my community I’ve seen it used. Once after a traumatic birth where mom almost didn’t make it and had 3 little ones besides baby at home. And more recently another family dad lost his battle for cancer and mom now has to work full time and raise two.
Both times the community organized a food chain. Each night someone volunteered to supply a dinner for the families for about a year. Absolutely wonderful effort by everyone to help them
@hman All great suggestions. Meals everyday gets to be too much especially with little kids who don’t eat a lot and might not like every casserole. Don’t forget grocery staples (bread, milk, pb&j, box mac & cheese, etc). Other things we did for a friend included taking up a collection for the school lunch accounts and gift cards to go fun kid -friendly places as a family.
@hman Grocery delivery or a cleaning service if you don’t know them personally. The biggest stress is keeping your household together and kids fed. Pre-made meals (that can be frozen) and someone to do basic cleaning, laundry, etc will be the greatest gift.
@hman Have a cleaning company come in while the family is out.
Grieving, I was barely able to deal with the dishwasher, so when friends gifted the cleaners to come in and deep clean everything, it made a huge difference and made that apartment feel a little better.
Also, food. I had a neighbor who just brought me a plate of whatever they made for dinner for like 3 weeks - I probably wouldn't have eaten if she didn't do that. Because thinking and planning was just too much.
I hated when people said "let me know what you need." Just show up with basic necessities, give a hug, and peace out unless they invite you to stay.
@hman Food gift cards and help her whenever she'll let you. Just a card to let her know you're there and willing to help with whatever. IF she asks do it.
@hman There’s a website or app I think called food train. We had a woman at work who lost her husband right in front of her and someone used that app and everyone scheduled a night to deliver dinner and what it was, for like a month. They made more portions than needed so there was leftover. She had elementary/teens and this was a big help.
If you’re close enough to go over and just jump in I would do that. By that I mean just go start doing dishes and laundry and tidy and sweep or mop. The house chores will be the last thing on her mind but with kids that young they’ll have to be done.
@hman Money to the people in her close support circle that you trust or a gift card for food like others have suggested. If there’s a service to attend showing up for that is supportive too.
@hman I totally agree with all the Uber eats/food delivery comments. My cousin died in January from cancer, and her SIL set up a Facebook group for people to sign up for supplying supper for her husband and their sons (6 & 8 years old) during it all. It had their address included, so even people far away could sign up and have food delivered for them. There was overwhelming support and had far more people offering to help than there were even days to sign up for.
