What to do for working mom of two that just lost her husband?

[vba]

@hman In a similar situation. One of the best things people have sent me is snacks. It sounds stupid but things I could throw into my bag and eat on the go are ideal. You forget to eat. Honestly my favorite messages are the ones where someone reminds me to stop and eat rather than tell me how sorry they are or remind me how much my life sucks.

The lawn being mowed, dishes, and laundry were the things I did at first to keep my brain off my life and how much things sucked, but now I appreciate people doing them for me. Mainly the lawn. Walking the dog is one of those things I hate so someone coming over and walking the dog is so helpful to me emotionally. Especially since it’s my husband’s dog. Someone helped me clean out my garage, which was huge to me. Lawn service and my house cleaner keep me somewhat afloat. Those would always be nice.

People stepping up to keep my child’s life as normal as possible are the people who I cannot thank enough. They’re too little to understand but they need somewhat of a new normal. Going to activities, play dates, etc. are the things I prioritize and people making sure they have enough adult attention helps me. They went from two parents who made them their entire life to one who is trying to keep it together. The other parents having my kid over to play weekly have been so helpful. The stupid things like “breakfast with dad” are so important to kids so making sure those things are covered by friends has been helpful. Even just taking my kid out to kick a soccer ball in the yard is helpful.

People offer so much help and it just makes you feel like they pity you. It gets so old. When I finally came up with something for people to do, they didn’t want to do it. I don’t want food. I don’t even want to eat. The only thing food wise is paying for a grocery delivery service so when you need stuff for your family or yourself, you can get it delivered even when you can’t get yourself out of bed. Something like Walmart+ that does delivery (I never shopped at Walmart until my life was flipped upside down).

 

[kekc]

@hman So recently widowed that I don’t even have the death certificate. I have a 7, 4, and 1 yo. So far the most helpful things have been:

-a coworker set up a meal train online and listed my kids favorite foods. It has been a relief to not think about how to feed them.

-having the people with kids that bring food by play with my kids, my 7 yo is grieving and it’s nice to see her happy and playing.

-money, I set up a go fund me at the suggestion of a friend and I’m going to use it for the kids. My husbands coworkers gathered cash for me. My church family has paid for the funeral. I have been seriously blessed by those around me.

-lawn care, 2 of my neighbors offered to mow my lawn. My husband and I had been researching riding mowers but hasn’t gotten one yet so it’s especially bitter to think about lawn care right now.

-childcare offers, my daycare let us do 5 days instead of our usual 2 for the last week and a half and it’s helped to plan the funeral and now to work on paperwork and organization.

-talking, it has been a relief to talk to people that knew my husband and reminisce. Also the people who don’t shy away from hearing about how I’m feeling. And the friends who send me a quick text checking up on me.

 

[introvertedbookworm]

@kekc So sorry for the fresh loss.

 

[eyesonhim]

@kekc I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[dqhall]

@hman When my husband passed away, it was the little things friend and neighbors just did. Instead of asking me ‘what can I do?” They just did. Walked the dog, yard or snow. Took my son out etc. The food train is a nice thought but too overwhelming, too much food and tupperware to sort. Gift cards were great. Also a fund was set up that people donated to that just helped with a lot of incidentals.

 

[cvidana]

@hman Widow here, my husband died when our child was 9. Thumbs up to food gift cards, cleaning help, etc. Most importantly, do what you say you're going to without putting emotional labor on the person. If I had a nickel for every person that demanded that I tell them how to help, I could pay off the house.

 

[noco]

@hman So many great suggestions here. I lost my husband 4 months ago. Our little people are 10, 9, 2, 1. The biggest helps for us were mentioned, food delivery gift cards, help with cleaning and entertaining the kids when I just could not. I still haven’t gotten into the groove of maintaining a home alone. The most unexpected thing that I would have never thought to ask for help with is vehicle maintenance. My vehicle needed antifreeze and I didn’t even know how to pop my hood because he did all the car stuff.
The load is heavy for a widowed, working mama, we my not always be in the headspace to say it but the help, and kindness is so appreciated.

 

[katrina2017]

@hman My sister in law recently (and unexpectedly) lost her husband (she’s got three little girls), and money is the thing that has helped the most. A go fund me was set up to help with the unexpected costs, as well as helping to offset the loss of income.

 

[architect]

@hman Instacart her a load of groceries once a week for a week or two. This helped our family so much during a hard loss. Do pantry staples rather than frozen foods. They will last longer and she won't have to worry about lack of space.

 

[harveycharles]

@hman My dad died unexpectedly when I was still in high school. One of the moms from my school set up a meal train and it was a life saver. Someone put a cooler outside our garage and the person whose day it was would put the meal in the cooler so we didn’t have to worry about people seeing us a mess. Dinner time was always hard. It gave us one less thing to worry about since you’re kind of in shock all the time. It’s kind of you to help. It won’t be forgotten

 

[oceania]

@hman I confess I didn't read every comment before writing this, but scanning through, i think I may be the first one to mention that the new widow (if in the US) must call Social Security ASAP to make an appointment to apply for Social Security Survivor benefits for her and for the children. There will be a delay before the appointment happens and before benefits begin, but the date of the phone call is the date the clock starts ticking on benefits being paid, and from that point on, there will be benefits paid based on the deceased spouse's earnings.

For the long term help with the kid's desire to know who their father was as a person, friends can write stories about their interactions (not sanitized versions, real versions) with the goal of giving those stories to the kids when they are young adults. They can be collected and put in a binder and saved.

Many of the other ideas here are also excellent, I just wanted to add in these that people don't usually think about.

Source: I was widowed when our kids were minors. Social Security Survivor benefits helped me keep a roof over our heads. it's child support that is never late, and always paid in full. It matters.

 

[kekc]

@oceania What about when you don’t have a death certificate yet? The funeral home reports the death too social security, but I can’t do any paperwork until I have the certificate. My SS office doesn’t require appointments so I’ve always just showed up.

 

[oceania]

@kekc "My SS office doesn't require appointments..."

They may not require them, but they certainly take them. Especially for long appointments like this one will be. They will also give you a list of documents to bring with you. I highly suggest placing them in some brightly colored file keeper as you accumulate them.

If you wait 2 months until you have all the documents in place before going in, you permanently lose 2 months of benefit payments. The clock starts on the day of the phone call.

My social security office also took walk ins, but also had appointments. Walk ins were dealt with by whoever was at the window; appointments are ushered to the back because of privacy and the length of the interview.

Documents/information needed include: death certificate, social security number for the deceased, notarized birth certificates for any surviving minor child of the deceased listing the deceased parent's name on the certificate, notarized copy of the marriage license if the surviving parent was married to the deceased.

My appointment was set for 2 months after my spouse died. That gave me time to find all the things I needed.

If the surviving parent earns more than x amount (I don't know the number) they will not be included in the benefit, but the surviving minor children's payments will be increased. For example if Father and Mother have children A, B,C, and Mother dies, if Father doesn't make enough money to gov over the x amount, he will receive 1/4 of the benefit payment, the same as each of the 3 minor children. However when the youngest child reaches 16, Father will lose his benefit, and that same money will now be sent only for the youngest child (presuming the older 2 are now past 18 and have graduated). The total benefit payment doesn't change, just how much each share is. When child A graduates from high school or turns 18, whichever is later, child A drops off the benefits at the start of the month of A's graduation. So June 12 graduation? Payments end on May 30 if the child is already 18.

It's complicated, and all that really matters now is that the call get made, so that the clock can start ticking.

 

[kekc]

@oceania So it’s based on the timing of the call? I gave up after being on hold for over 20 minutes. Guess I need to try again.

 

[oceania]

@kekc Adding in: This link shows the brightly colored holders good for keeping all of your documents in one place. The bright color makes it easier to find when you are flustered or upset that you can't find it right now. Been there, done that; learned how to make important things really visible to reduce my fear of not being able to find them when the time came.

 

[freedomgirl]

@hman Maybe chipping in for food delivery service? or getting a house cleaner for a few months?

 

[seanben]

@hman Not having to worry about dinner is a huge relief after a long day.

 

[hcp]

@hman I’m just thinking of things that I would have zero motivation or care to do if my husband passed…. I think my choices would be:
A house cleaning service, someone to do laundry
A lawn care service
A pool service
A grocery delivery subscription (like Walmart+)
Offer to watch the kids or pay for a sitter you’ve used or have recommendations for so the mom can take some time for herself
If you have a spouse/etc who is handy around the house, and knowledgeable about house stuff, cars, etc. make sure she knows she can come to him if she had any issues around the house or needs someone to come with her for car repairs, etc in the future
Check in with them when you’re running errands, grabbing takeout, etc and ask if they need or want anything.

 

[armourcody]

@hman I lost my partner 2 years ago and was left with a 5 month old baby at the time. I loved when people delivered food (not that I was hungry but at least I didn’t have to think about that). A group of my partners friends also made me a care package for my daughter and I with clothes and diapers for her, gift cards, a memory book, and money.
Don’t ask what they need or to reach out when they need something cause they may never do it but instead keep checking in and offering your help when you can. It is very much appreciated even when she may not communicate that with you.

 

[seraphim777]

@hman She will receive the most support in the immediate wake of her loss (when she certainly needs it, but is likely somewhat in shock, especially if this was sudden/unexpected). But as the weeks and months pass, the flood of support will dwindle, and that is when much of the grieving will set-in, and she will REALLY need support. Meals are always a great way to show love and support to someone, but even just simple check-ins, or offering to meet up for coffee / play-dates / walks (etc…) can be a light in an otherwise very dark time. My point is- don’t forget about the months to come bc they will be extremely trying.