SAHP - what is your child duty split during off-hours?

[freeinchrist1611]

Stay-at-home-parents, what is your actual child-care duty split during "off-hours", and are you happy about it? What do you wish you could change?

I recently transitioned into the SAHM role with one child in K. My SO, who works regularly 50 hr/w, wants "flexible" support at home - i.e. he is only willing to help out whenever he has time. He cannot guarantee when he is busy or not because everything is project-based. (The latest deadline crunch lasted 2 months) If he is busy, all childcare responsibilities are transferred to me, except for whenever he needs a break and feels bad enough to entertain the child. He also wants at least 8 hours per day to himself over the weekend, because "I get to take a break during the week". He refused to own any childcare tasks at home (ex: picking out a few tasks to own such as putting a child to bed is not an option.) We outsourced cleaning and ate prepared food mostly; Otherwise, there are even more conflicts about chores.

My SO thinks this is very reasonable, especially when food/cleaning is mostly outsourced, but it didn't feel right to me - I get "help" when I don't need it; When I need help nobody is around. It's been an extremely frustrating experience - imagine anyone hiring a full-time driver - idle time is expected and paid for, unlike a SAHM, where downtime is a reason to shove a second shift down my throat.

Would appreciate other SAHPs sharing your perspectives.

 

[talisra]

@freeinchrist1611 How many hours is your child in school? Honestly at first I was like WTF , but then I noticed your child is at school. It’s it’s full time school id say yeah he definitely should get some downtime on the weekend for sure. That seems fair. Especially since your cleaning and food prep is done.

I would mostly be worried about him spending adequate time with his son . Maybe just make sure they have enough time just hanging out . So after his 8 hours ‘ off’ he has some quality time with kiddo each day and make sure you do things all together too… that’s important . If kiddo is gone at school for most of the day I’d say yeah you should handle bedtime and what not.

 

[oluwayinka]

@talisra Agreed, this seems more unfair to the child and the father-child relationship than anything else. Maybe I feel that way because I am doing so much, but with meal prep, cleaning, and half the daytime childcare covered it sounds like OP gets down time and the husband should too. Maybe better communication with regards to work hours, like he could choose a more regular schedule, set a non-verbal cue when he's unavailable like a sign.

 

[oilpaintermom]

@talisra Oh I didn’t notice that either, I assumed more than one kid until I read her comment above. That does change things.

 

[puddintain]

@talisra Yeah I just noticed that too. I thought her partner sucked but frankly if the kid is in school from 7-3 that should be plenty of time during the week to "get a break" (actually with food and cleaning outsourced what on earth is this person doing all day at home?)

 

[okafor1886]

@freeinchrist1611 How long is your child in school for? My kid is in pre-k but it’s M-F, six hours a day. I do 90% cooking, cleaning, groceries, etc. I pick up and drop off kid, take care of him after school. I also do majority of his doctor appointments and all communication with the school. My husband helps put him to sleep during the week and we are 50/50 ish childcare weekends. If your child is in school most of the time, and you’re not responsible for cooking or cleaning, I think you should be responsible for most of the childcare, unless you’re leaving something out here.

 

[jaakk]

@okafor1886 I feel like the way she worded some things, they have more than one child, with one of them in school?

 

[okafor1886]

@jaakk If that is the case, then sure, her husband should offer more help. But it sounds like just one child (“…to entertain THE child”)

 

[laury]

@freeinchrist1611 I think there are two separate issues - one is about free time. It looks like you get down time during the weekdays and he wants protected downtime during the weekends. That seems pretty fair to me. Is there a particular reason you feel like you’re not getting enough break time during the week days when your child is at school?

The second is the issue of helping out in the evenings and on the weekends. I think your husband is being stingy here… I can understand that with your days free now, he sees this as you coming “on shift” to take care of your child, especially on the weekdays. But if I were you I would drill down on

he feels bad enough to entertain the child

Remind him it’s not just about checking things off the childcare list (food, bathing, bedtime) but those are the things where you bond with your child. Care tasks are really important, because as the child grows up he/she will remember these moments. What is he doing to bond with his kid and be present for them and with them? Ask why he apparently doesn’t actually want to father this child?

Also you should address as a couple how this changes on holidays and during the summer. If you’re doing childcare all day M-F during the summer, it should go back to being 50:50 in the evenings right?

We do 50:50 on nights and weekends, but mine is still at home during the day.

 

[katrina2017]

@freeinchrist1611 It’s not the chore/childcare split that would turn me off here but the attitude. My husband works long hours, often leaving before anyone is awake and coming home after we’re all in bed, but at weekends he does child stuff because he likes his children and wants to spend time with them. I get needing downtime, but doesn’t he want to spend time with his child??

 

[samuel4christ]

@freeinchrist1611 I mean, maybe I'm the odd one out, but that all seems reasonable to me.

If cleaning and food is outsourced, and the child is in school, then that gives you plenty of down time during the day, so I would think it reasonable for him to expect downtime on the weekend. With his work being project based, and potential crunch time lasting for months, it sounds like he is already putting in a LOT of work for your family. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to handle all of the money making and you to handle all of the child rearing.

That is basically the way our work is split at my house. The only difference is that I also work outside the home now, but not out of necessity. It was a choice that I made because I WANTED to work, with the understanding that my work at home wouldn't change because I chose to work in addition.
My husband helps if I need it, sometimes we tag team bedtime, but for the most part I handle everything child rearing.
I'd also like to note that we DON'T outsource cleaning or meals, so that all falls to me as well. My husband frequently has to log "off time" hours because of project deadlines, and he rarely gets down time from work, so when he DOES, I try to keep that open for him. He is available to help me, if he isn't working. But if he's busy with work, I just have to figure out how to handle it myself. Just the way it is.

Edited to add: We have 3 children ranging in ages 4 to almost 11.

(I deleted my response to a previous comment because I meant to put this as an actual comment, not a response to someone else. I'm not very reddit-learned. )

 

[cbole]

@samuel4christ One thing to consider is when the downtime is. During the day, during the week, the options of things to do and people to do it with is far different than what you can do on we weekend. So, sure, have some downtime, but it’s not fair to say - you get to do your fun during the weekdays daytime and I get to do mine on the weekends - when there are fun events happening and friends are off of work. OP doesn’t say if she gets time herself on the weekends too but the quality of downtime should be considered.

 

[katrina2017]

@cbole Sure. Maybe what she should do is, make sure her husband has downtime everyday after work. Like 1-2 hours. Say he gets home at 6. She takes over everything from 6-8. All he has to do is show up for dinner, eat, shower, and maybe play some video games. After that, they split the rest of the tasks. Then on weekends maybe give him a little bit of more time than herself, but make sure he takes the children so she can have some quality time as well.

 

[oilpaintermom]

@freeinchrist1611 Our child duty split is usually split about 50/50 when my husband is not working. He does work from home and it can be a demanding job, so I have no problems taking over if something needs his attention. But he is more than willing to share parenting duties when he’s done (ex: changing diapers, playing with kids, cleaning the kitchen, putting kids to bed, etc).

We also have outsourced cleaning but with two little ones, that doesn’t take care of daily tidying up….which can be exhausting. We have one kid in pre-k 4 days a week, while I watch the toddler.

The one thing that seemed extreme to me was him taking 8 hours to himself per weekend day…when do you all get to spend time doing fun things as a family? I can see his logic kinda…because you get downtime while your kid is in school. But it does seem unfair….I can’t imagine spending 16 hours every weekend entertaining my kid(s) while my husband gets to do whatever he wants.

 

[caoc24843]

@freeinchrist1611 50/50 once my partner is home from work and all weekends. He probably has them more than me on weeknights and they’re quite little still. We both try to get some downtime on the weekend but it’s usually equal.

 

[keohay]

@freeinchrist1611 Weekdays I take mornings before my partner leaves for work, and he takes evenings from when he gets home from work until kid’s bedtime. Weekends we split more or less 50/50. I get a lot of the chores done during the week, but we also both have some chore/errand time on evenings and weekends.

 

[arrows]

@freeinchrist1611 Does he have set hours at all? That could probably color some of the responses. But regardless that doesn’t seem fair in the least bit.

My husband works seven days a week from 7ish AM until routinely after 9pm with some travel Friday-Sunday, so we don’t have much of a “split” per say. But he at least does the first diaper change of the morning and if he doesn’t go in until later some days he will take the baby for an hour or so in the morning so I can lay in bed a little longer. He gets to sleep in on his trips so it isn’t like he never gets a little sleep in time. Our 9mo pretty well sleeps through the night 7p-6a every other day and if she does wake up it’s just once so I can have her back to sleep via breastfeeding in under 20 minutes so that works for us.

My husband also does his own laundry and meal prep. And will try to help keep kitchen and bathrooms clean if he has a few spare minutes. So I guess neither of us truly get a lot of “decompress” time but we are mindful of the tasks being completed by the other person and try to make sure neither of us get overwhelmed.

 

[freeinchrist1611]

@arrows

or not because everything is project-based. (The latest deadline crunch lasted 2 months) If he is busy, all childcare responsibilities are transferred to me, except for whenever he needs a break and feels b

OP here - really appreciates everyone's perspective.

SO is a software engineer with a few releases during the year. Work time is very flexible, which breeds resentment when he decides to work say, at 9pm on a Friday night when it is not urgent, and gets mad when I tell him to put the kid to bed (after I did all other tasks such as showering the kid, fed the kid, etc.). SO views this as interrupting his train of thought, and expects me to either give a heads up, which often results in the kid waiting for him for 30+ minutes, or pick up the task myself since I'm clearly awake enough to remind him of the task.

Part of the reason why meal prep and cleaning got 90% outsourced is that SO will not touch any house chores, even when I was working full time.

 

[yjyj]

@freeinchrist1611 So this begs the question, why did you marry someone who refuses to help out (and always has, so it’s not really a surprise)?

If cooking and cleaning are outsourced and your kid is in school, the arrangement doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. What is unacceptable however is that your husband doesn’t seem interested in his child or helping you out at all beyond finances. I would suggest making a schedule that feels fair for both of you and going to couples counseling.

 

[katrina2017]

@freeinchrist1611 Ok. So this is an issue. My husband is also a SWE. So was I, before becoming SAHM. So. I see his point about focus. I plan to go back part time after the children are old enough. So here’s how I see it.

• he needs to bond with the children. And yes that entails childcare. I would make that a nonnegotiable. This isn’t about how work is split at all. He is a parent. He needs to do parenting, period. If he feels this is unfair, then you guys need to talk about how to make this fair.
• needing space to think is fair. Software engineering is complex.
• as I see it, you (and your kids) run your life around how he decides to work. That isn’t fair. You have no agency. He does. Yes, you technically have a lot of “free time”, but it’s not the same kind of free time.
• him outsourcing everything leaves you very little to do, which breeds resentment in him. But if he doesn’t outsource, he does nothing and it’s all on you.

Given all of that, I think,

• he needs to set regular hours. He doesn’t get to do things whenever TF he wants.
• I’m going to assume he’s never going to help you with housework or meals. Fair enough. Keep outsourcing it.
• You might want to get back to work, to keep his resentment from building up. Yes, it’s technically because of him that you have nothing to do, because he won’t help you. But let’s focus on resentment management for a moment. After you get back from work and on weekends, you two split childcare 50/50.

That way

• he doesn’t resent your free time because you also work
• you are not jerked around by his “flexibility”
• he has no excuse to get out of childcare, which again, I’m sorry, he is a parent. He doesn’t stop being a parent just because he works