@consuellaj Thank you, this is a really lovely, heartfelt reply. I had heard a lot about how postpartum lasts 3 months, the ‘4th trimester’, but it’s much more useful to think of it lasting 18. I’m in awe of people who have back-to-back pregnancies and babies.
SAHP guilt... I feel like I’m not pulling my weight
- Thread starter atlas2023
- Start date
vinylsidingsavannahga
New member
@atlas2023 Girl, give yourself a break. You and your husband are a team and you guys are doing good what you need to in order to make sure your baby has the best of world.
And honestly, I know a lot of moms that seem to “have it together” but in all honesty everyone struggles with something regardless if they tell you or not there’s always going to be something. It could be something small or big but no one and I mean NO ONE has it all “together”.
We’re all just in this world trying to figure out life as we go, some are just better at it than others in some aspects. And some people who seem to be better at certain things can be worse at something else than someone else
You’re doing a great job at being a mom and your husband is doing a great job at being a dad.
And honestly, I know a lot of moms that seem to “have it together” but in all honesty everyone struggles with something regardless if they tell you or not there’s always going to be something. It could be something small or big but no one and I mean NO ONE has it all “together”.
We’re all just in this world trying to figure out life as we go, some are just better at it than others in some aspects. And some people who seem to be better at certain things can be worse at something else than someone else
You’re doing a great job at being a mom and your husband is doing a great job at being a dad.
@vinylsidingsavannahga Thank you. Yes this is true, I guess you never know how well someone perceived themselves despite what you see from the outside. What’s most important is that we’re managing and on top of baby .
vinylsidingsavannahga
New member
@atlas2023 You’re welcome. Yes some people are better are hiding things than others.
you’re doing a great job, keep your head up and don’t be afraid to ask people for help if you need it.
you’re doing a great job, keep your head up and don’t be afraid to ask people for help if you need it.
@atlas2023 You've basically been on a newborn schedule for EIGHT MONTHS!!! Holy cow. I'm surprised you're coherent enough to even type!
You've don't a wonderful job these past months. I think the added stress of not fully understanding what is happening with your daughter and waiting for the diagnosis and treatment plan are taking a toll, on top of the sleep deprivation. Are you also the primary contact for her health and the one to take her to appointments? That's a huge job. I think once you have that figured out it'll be a huge stress gone and she will feel so much better and be able to sleep more. Don't feel bad about DH doing so much around the house, as you've sacrificed you're health the last 8 months without sleep.
From just a practical, how to get things done, standpoint:
Is there any wiggle in the budget to have a cleaning service come once per month? We have one and they do the main floor - master bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, family/dining room and the playroom. I can easily maintain it the rest of the time knowing they're coming back to do the bigger clean up. I also have a cordless vacuum and I'm much more motivated to vacuum (oh, you're in the UK, so... Hoover not vacuum!!) when I don't have to unplug and replug it in, lol.
You've don't a wonderful job these past months. I think the added stress of not fully understanding what is happening with your daughter and waiting for the diagnosis and treatment plan are taking a toll, on top of the sleep deprivation. Are you also the primary contact for her health and the one to take her to appointments? That's a huge job. I think once you have that figured out it'll be a huge stress gone and she will feel so much better and be able to sleep more. Don't feel bad about DH doing so much around the house, as you've sacrificed you're health the last 8 months without sleep.
From just a practical, how to get things done, standpoint:
Is there any wiggle in the budget to have a cleaning service come once per month? We have one and they do the main floor - master bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, family/dining room and the playroom. I can easily maintain it the rest of the time knowing they're coming back to do the bigger clean up. I also have a cordless vacuum and I'm much more motivated to vacuum (oh, you're in the UK, so... Hoover not vacuum!!) when I don't have to unplug and replug it in, lol.
@jayc_sup Only just coherent enough! I have to nap when she naps still to make it through and the extra 1h30 when husband takes her in the morning makes a big difference.
But you’ve hit the nail on the head with the mental /emotional stress. I think I’m possibly finding that more difficult than the lack of sleep as, as you guessed, I’m the only one taking her to appointments, tracking and recording her health, chasing healthcare professionals (problem with her dietician on long term sick leave). I think that’s taking a lot of head space and thought, which is difficult to share because I’m the only one there.
We’ve talked and I think it’s a great idea to look at getting a once a month cleaner for downstairs. I’m quite good at keeping things surface tidy but find by the time I get to properly cleaning a room, it needs a deep clean which can take a whole day (or 3!). I’ve asked how friends do it and they’ll often clean when baby sleeps, but I definitely prioritise my sleep!
But you’ve hit the nail on the head with the mental /emotional stress. I think I’m possibly finding that more difficult than the lack of sleep as, as you guessed, I’m the only one taking her to appointments, tracking and recording her health, chasing healthcare professionals (problem with her dietician on long term sick leave). I think that’s taking a lot of head space and thought, which is difficult to share because I’m the only one there.
We’ve talked and I think it’s a great idea to look at getting a once a month cleaner for downstairs. I’m quite good at keeping things surface tidy but find by the time I get to properly cleaning a room, it needs a deep clean which can take a whole day (or 3!). I’ve asked how friends do it and they’ll often clean when baby sleeps, but I definitely prioritise my sleep!
@atlas2023 Oh, love, I'm so glad you and your husband talked this over, looked through the comments and feel you're on the same page!! On-going communication and regular check-ins are vital, even when things seem to be going well.
Super excited you'll get a monthly deep clean and grocery delivery. We also do grocery delivery and it's a game changer. When I'm tired and emotionally worn out, having to walk through the grocery store and face strangers can be too overwhelming. Now you can shop while you're breastfeeding, oh yay!!
Sending you strength and love, mummy, you're doing an amazing job being her health care advocate, her voice, and ensuring she gets the care she needs. I hope your sweet baby feels better soon. Xo from Boston, Massachusetts, USA
Edited for grammar.
Super excited you'll get a monthly deep clean and grocery delivery. We also do grocery delivery and it's a game changer. When I'm tired and emotionally worn out, having to walk through the grocery store and face strangers can be too overwhelming. Now you can shop while you're breastfeeding, oh yay!!
Sending you strength and love, mummy, you're doing an amazing job being her health care advocate, her voice, and ensuring she gets the care she needs. I hope your sweet baby feels better soon. Xo from Boston, Massachusetts, USA
Edited for grammar.
@atlas2023 SAHD here, I'd say given breastfeeding/feeding duties and that sleep deprivation and babies being babies I wouldn't worry about 'assessing' performance in your role until your child is 2 years old +, just focus on doing whatever you need to do to keep you, the baby and your partner happy and functional enough to get through the early years. That's my advice.
Once our youngest reached 2 that's when we started having a good look at how we're running things and pushing ourselves to so it better.
Also a little mantra I've found helpful with parenting is care less about what others are doing, most of what you observe from others is what they want to present more than their reality.
Once our youngest reached 2 that's when we started having a good look at how we're running things and pushing ourselves to so it better.
Also a little mantra I've found helpful with parenting is care less about what others are doing, most of what you observe from others is what they want to present more than their reality.
christian122
New member
@atlas2023 Literally every single person that I know who is not a stay at home parent has told me that staying home is much harder than going to work at a job. At a job you get to turn your mind off and have adult conversation. At home you're constantly working, feeding, changing, playing, etc. There's no you time, it's all about the baby.
Of course you're exhausted. You're working 22.5 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job.
Of course you're exhausted. You're working 22.5 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job.
@christian122 Thank you. I’d never thought about calculating the hours like that - when you put it together like that it’s crazy!
I’ve heard people say that too. I think this probably steamed from a conversation I had with a close friend who has a 6mo and is ‘rocking it’ (in the way I described in the post) as SAHP. I mentioned that to her kinda as a compliment and she replied about how this was a breeze compared to her demanding job (which is very emotionally draining and high risk/high stakes). I’m a teacher, which although probably isn’t in the same sphere as her profession, is still busy, active and demanding. However, everyone is right, teaching 30 kids is different to full time care (and worry) of a poorly/high needs baby.
I’ve heard people say that too. I think this probably steamed from a conversation I had with a close friend who has a 6mo and is ‘rocking it’ (in the way I described in the post) as SAHP. I mentioned that to her kinda as a compliment and she replied about how this was a breeze compared to her demanding job (which is very emotionally draining and high risk/high stakes). I’m a teacher, which although probably isn’t in the same sphere as her profession, is still busy, active and demanding. However, everyone is right, teaching 30 kids is different to full time care (and worry) of a poorly/high needs baby.
katrina2017
New member
@atlas2023 You’re doing what’s best for your baby. Looking after a baby is full time work.
I think the guilt comes easy to most Moms, but in reality Moms do far too much.
What helped me ( although my baby doesn’t have any health issues). Is setting a goal to clean/ tidy one thing a day. Monday it was vacuum the living room. Tuesday was tidying our bathroom.
Even if it took all day, just having one small goal helps me get it down.
But really you need to be super kind to yourself. The most important thing is to make sure yuh and Baby are well looked after. Housework is no where near as important.
I think the guilt comes easy to most Moms, but in reality Moms do far too much.
What helped me ( although my baby doesn’t have any health issues). Is setting a goal to clean/ tidy one thing a day. Monday it was vacuum the living room. Tuesday was tidying our bathroom.
Even if it took all day, just having one small goal helps me get it down.
But really you need to be super kind to yourself. The most important thing is to make sure yuh and Baby are well looked after. Housework is no where near as important.
@katrina2017 Yes! I tried doing something like this early on but found the list ended up feeling endless and I could never get to all of it in a day/week. Might revise it to one thing though. Thank you.
dwhite081705
New member
@atlas2023 I expected to get so much done staying at home, and my baby didn’t have the medical issues on top of it! I really think that until at least a year old, I was just trying to take care of the baby. My husband would do a lot- dishes and laundry, and going out to pick up food as my cooking was either terrible or I didn’t want to. The house wasn’t clean. Every day I was like “what did I do today? Seems like nothing!”
Every month I was able to do more, baby got more independent, I started to feel like I had more time. I started to cook again, and clean, and I truly felt like I was doing my “job.” It will happen, a year is really not that long and these are a ton of life changes happening. Your job is keeping baby happy right now, and that’s huge.
If husband doesn’t have a problem, there’s no problem. Express your appreciation and communicate and watch life get more balanced in the coming months!
Every month I was able to do more, baby got more independent, I started to feel like I had more time. I started to cook again, and clean, and I truly felt like I was doing my “job.” It will happen, a year is really not that long and these are a ton of life changes happening. Your job is keeping baby happy right now, and that’s huge.
If husband doesn’t have a problem, there’s no problem. Express your appreciation and communicate and watch life get more balanced in the coming months!
@dwhite081705 Thank you. This is very true. I think I need to view caring for baby as daily achievements as well as the other housey stuff.
manishk012
New member
@atlas2023 I’m also in the UK, have a 10 month old girl and have handed in my notice to become a SAHM.
I’m also breastfeeding every 2 hours (not because of a medical reason, just because my baby is obsessed with boobie!).
It sounds like you are doing a great job. If you are having to tend to a poorly baby everyday then there’s no time for the other stuff. 2-6 explosive poops a day which usually result in full outfit changes and baths must take up a big chunk of time. Plus having to comfort your baby when she is trying to poop and is in pain.
I know what you mean where other mums appear to be rocking it and on top of everything. I go to a few baby groups a week, when I first started going when my baby was much younger the dynamic was supportive, now it’s competitive. There are always going to be those mums who post on Facebook about all the good times and look at you funny when you say things like ‘yeah my baby doesn’t go to bed until 10pm’ but there will be things in their lives that are tough too, they just aren’t brave enough to be real.
PM me if you want to connect further. This is the first time I’ve seen another UK poster on this sub!
I’m also breastfeeding every 2 hours (not because of a medical reason, just because my baby is obsessed with boobie!).
It sounds like you are doing a great job. If you are having to tend to a poorly baby everyday then there’s no time for the other stuff. 2-6 explosive poops a day which usually result in full outfit changes and baths must take up a big chunk of time. Plus having to comfort your baby when she is trying to poop and is in pain.
I know what you mean where other mums appear to be rocking it and on top of everything. I go to a few baby groups a week, when I first started going when my baby was much younger the dynamic was supportive, now it’s competitive. There are always going to be those mums who post on Facebook about all the good times and look at you funny when you say things like ‘yeah my baby doesn’t go to bed until 10pm’ but there will be things in their lives that are tough too, they just aren’t brave enough to be real.
PM me if you want to connect further. This is the first time I’ve seen another UK poster on this sub!
@manishk012 Chiming in, also a sahm in the U.K I think you are doing an amazing job, babies are so so hard, and you have an extra helping of hard with the medical issues. I also feel like I'm not doing enough, but I always felt that way even while working out of the house. It's hard getting no external validation, and feeling like others are judging you, and I agree that other moms, either through insecurity or on accidentally, can make you feel like crap. I also have a 10 month old who has never slept through the night and nurses constantly. Maybe we should make a support group (for reals though). I'm cheering you on, you are doing an awesome job, let your husband help support you and the child you made together.
@rodan6 Thank you. I totally hadn’t thought about the validation- it not like the babies can thank us!
I find now everyone is asking about when we’re all returning to work, if I mention that I’ve handed in my notice, the first reaction is ‘wow I’m so jealous that’s amazing’ but then they kinda shut me out of the conversation. Although this totally could be me projecting.
Yes! Maybe r/ukSAHP ooorrr r/boobin’24/7
I find now everyone is asking about when we’re all returning to work, if I mention that I’ve handed in my notice, the first reaction is ‘wow I’m so jealous that’s amazing’ but then they kinda shut me out of the conversation. Although this totally could be me projecting.
Yes! Maybe r/ukSAHP ooorrr r/boobin’24/7
@manishk012 Ah it’s reassuring to hear of another (heathy) 6mo+ baby breastfeeding so frequently! The amount of people (family) who have told me to either formula because she must be starving or force her into a 4 hourly routine.
Yes it does, especially on top of feeding myself, feeding her and having to sleep when she sleeps (about 3hrs a day over 3 naps). It’s crazy how quickly the hours pass with so little done!
I used to go to groups every day but now I try and done one of mom tues and wed so I’ve got more flexibility to see people ad hoc and get things done. I’m also finding, as she’s getting older , she feeds much worse when not at home and (because of her dropping percentiles) I feel it’s important she doesn’t miss more than 1 or 2 feeds. Luckily I’m in a couple of really supportive WhatsApp groups of women I met on the local nhs antenatal courses, but as babies are turning 9 months they’re all starting to go back to work so I think the culture of them will shift a bit.
Thanks so much for your message, I’ll also DM you.
Yes it does, especially on top of feeding myself, feeding her and having to sleep when she sleeps (about 3hrs a day over 3 naps). It’s crazy how quickly the hours pass with so little done!
I used to go to groups every day but now I try and done one of mom tues and wed so I’ve got more flexibility to see people ad hoc and get things done. I’m also finding, as she’s getting older , she feeds much worse when not at home and (because of her dropping percentiles) I feel it’s important she doesn’t miss more than 1 or 2 feeds. Luckily I’m in a couple of really supportive WhatsApp groups of women I met on the local nhs antenatal courses, but as babies are turning 9 months they’re all starting to go back to work so I think the culture of them will shift a bit.
Thanks so much for your message, I’ll also DM you.
anonymousrain
New member
@atlas2023 You are being the best mom to your baby! Your 8 month old is needier than the average 8 month old. Stop comparing yourself, it’s apples and oranges. You are putting all of yourself into your little one’s schedule and you are rocking it! If you’re breastfeeding every two hours you can maybe take care of yourself, you really can’t do much of anything else. It sounds like your husband isn’t complaining, just thank him for picking up the slack. That’s what marriage is about. It’s not 50-50, it’s 100-100. You’re putting 100 into taking care of the baby you both created, he’s putting 100 into taking care of the big picture. This is a season, it will pass, you’re doing great!