@anonymousrain Thank you. Love this analogy of marriage being 100-100, never seen that before and I definitely agree.
SAHP guilt... I feel like I’m not pulling my weight
- Thread starter atlas2023
- Start date
@atlas2023 I don’t think you understand how valuable EBF has been for her & how breastfeeding is now.
My son was born underweight with food allergies so I couldn’t afford the $1k a month pre-mixed hypoallergenic formula. I had to go on a special diet too.
My son tripled his birthweight in 4 months instead of the average 12 months by breastfeeding 13.5 hours every 24 hours.
He’s 4 years old now and can actually tolerate any food.
I was able to slowly introduce food in my diet while extended breastfeeding to introduce it into his diet.
I don’t know the outcome will be for your LO but in these situations breastmilk (especially with mom on a diet) is worth more than what you could even make at a job full time! At least it was the case for me. Daycare + formula would have costed me more than what I could earn.
I will admit though it was super lonely & exhausting. I hope things get easier for you. Please give yourself more credit.
My son was born underweight with food allergies so I couldn’t afford the $1k a month pre-mixed hypoallergenic formula. I had to go on a special diet too.
My son tripled his birthweight in 4 months instead of the average 12 months by breastfeeding 13.5 hours every 24 hours.
He’s 4 years old now and can actually tolerate any food.
I was able to slowly introduce food in my diet while extended breastfeeding to introduce it into his diet.
I don’t know the outcome will be for your LO but in these situations breastmilk (especially with mom on a diet) is worth more than what you could even make at a job full time! At least it was the case for me. Daycare + formula would have costed me more than what I could earn.
I will admit though it was super lonely & exhausting. I hope things get easier for you. Please give yourself more credit.
@atlas2023 You have an extremely difficult baby and from what I can tell you are rocking the stay at home mum stuff!! I have an easy baby and I struggle to get everything done! Don't be so hard on yourself!!
kelvinkann
New member
@atlas2023 The first half I was like, girl step up and do more! But the second half... you are doing the best you absolutely can. Your baby has a lot of issues that take all your energy to care for. You are doing a great job.
Don’t compare yourself to others!!! Their babies probably don’t have as many, or any issues like you are dealing with. It’s hard work having a baby with tummy problems.
My niece has celiac and they didn’t find out until she was like a year and a half old. She’s about to be 3 and doing much better. Maybe ask about that?
Don’t compare yourself to others!!! Their babies probably don’t have as many, or any issues like you are dealing with. It’s hard work having a baby with tummy problems.
My niece has celiac and they didn’t find out until she was like a year and a half old. She’s about to be 3 and doing much better. Maybe ask about that?
@atlas2023 Just factor in the cost of how much it would be for a babysitter that can attend to the needs of your child, and also add in the fact that it is priceless to have you raising your child, rather than a stranger. You can’t put a price tag on the 100% peace of mind of knowing that your child is safe, secure, and properly cared for by you. Hang in there and just know that you are doing more than enough 
puddleglum3
New member
@atlas2023 Holy ever loving shit. You are doing so freaking much to keep your baby healthy and alive which is waaaaaay more important than laundry or grocery shopping. You are doing a HUGE amount of work! Cut yourself a break, what you do is way harder than what most parents are going through. It seems like your husband is aware of this and is picking up the slack as needed. Go teamwork! The only thing I will say is that grocery shopping is actually an activity I do to get out of the house with my baby so that I can see adults and not loose my mind, but only do this if you are safe to drive or walk there with baby, you've got more important things unless you need it for your sanity.
katrina2017
New member
@atlas2023 1) your husband sounds awesome 2) you sound awesome
You are doing PLENTY. You are keeping a human alive. I especially mean this because you are providing most of your babies caloric intake from your own body. Mothers are warriors but breastfeeding mothers are some other level life giving magical goddesses. It’s so hard and so consuming for any baby but considering you’ve been keeping up with this schedule for 8 months is unreal. Be gentle with yourself. Does your husband know you feel this way? He would probably be very comforting if you told him.
It does get easier as they get older, given baby’s tummy settles down. On that note, and I absolutely understand this is a very personal and touchy subject and mean absolutely no judgment or harm; is there a formula the pediatrician recommended? Only asking because I breastfed for a year and though I was happy to make it that far I really did not enjoy it much at all. My baby has been completely weened for a month and I feel so much more free. Even before that, we gave baby one bottle of formula a day at six months because my baby nurses around the clock and I was absolutely going to lose my mind. Don’t even get me started on “just pump!” Knowing that my husband could meet babies needs for a few hours each evening saved me. Anyways, if breastfeeding is what’s best for you and baby then keep on rocking! But if you’re having doubts then that is absolutely okay. I felt like a familiar when we started supplementing and when I was googling “how to wean” much earlier than other moms. Whatever you chose I hope that baby finds some comfort
You are doing PLENTY. You are keeping a human alive. I especially mean this because you are providing most of your babies caloric intake from your own body. Mothers are warriors but breastfeeding mothers are some other level life giving magical goddesses. It’s so hard and so consuming for any baby but considering you’ve been keeping up with this schedule for 8 months is unreal. Be gentle with yourself. Does your husband know you feel this way? He would probably be very comforting if you told him.
It does get easier as they get older, given baby’s tummy settles down. On that note, and I absolutely understand this is a very personal and touchy subject and mean absolutely no judgment or harm; is there a formula the pediatrician recommended? Only asking because I breastfed for a year and though I was happy to make it that far I really did not enjoy it much at all. My baby has been completely weened for a month and I feel so much more free. Even before that, we gave baby one bottle of formula a day at six months because my baby nurses around the clock and I was absolutely going to lose my mind. Don’t even get me started on “just pump!” Knowing that my husband could meet babies needs for a few hours each evening saved me. Anyways, if breastfeeding is what’s best for you and baby then keep on rocking! But if you’re having doubts then that is absolutely okay. I felt like a familiar when we started supplementing and when I was googling “how to wean” much earlier than other moms. Whatever you chose I hope that baby finds some comfort
lookalikakiwi
New member
@atlas2023 If you are feeling like human slime cause you aren't doing enough housework: I find that if I can at least make sure my time at home is a 'net-zero' on the state of the house I can live with myself. Just means being very diligent on picking up after myself and my child.
If I can't make the place better, at the minimum I put in the effort to not make it worse.
Also consider having groceries delivered, if available where you're at. I've been enjoying this as there's a lot of competition right now in this market leading to a lot of free delivery coupons and discounts. I use Safeway. Even without it, the delivery fee is usually in the ballpark of $10 and that's totally worth the hour+ of time it would take you to do it in person while dragging you child around with you. This frees up your partner's time too.
If I'm being a garbage person, I try and make use of the secret art of the crockpot and/or chicken bake. Food that takes literally 3 minutes of prep and can be largely ignored--and doesn't destroy your kitchen in the process of making it.
Our kid was rife with allergen/gastro/skin issues as well. It's exhausting. Try try try and find a way to be a 'net-zero' though--strictly for your own mental health.
If I can't make the place better, at the minimum I put in the effort to not make it worse.
Also consider having groceries delivered, if available where you're at. I've been enjoying this as there's a lot of competition right now in this market leading to a lot of free delivery coupons and discounts. I use Safeway. Even without it, the delivery fee is usually in the ballpark of $10 and that's totally worth the hour+ of time it would take you to do it in person while dragging you child around with you. This frees up your partner's time too.
If I'm being a garbage person, I try and make use of the secret art of the crockpot and/or chicken bake. Food that takes literally 3 minutes of prep and can be largely ignored--and doesn't destroy your kitchen in the process of making it.
Our kid was rife with allergen/gastro/skin issues as well. It's exhausting. Try try try and find a way to be a 'net-zero' though--strictly for your own mental health.
fight4faith
New member
@atlas2023 You are doing enough. Just caring for a small child is sooo much. Breastfeeding alone takes up so much time. I recommend that you talk to your partner. Sit him down, tell him how you're feeling. Tell him how thankful you are for all that he does. Just communicating with my husband has helped me so much as a sahp two two boys. It's a wild rollercoaster. Some days you're Killin it, and other days you feeling like you're failing before breakfast. Give yourself some grace
@atlas2023 If you hired a nanny, how much cleaning, cooking, and washing up would you expect them to do?
If you put your child in an in-home daycare, would you be happy if the provider stopped engaging with your child in order to do their family's laundry or prep their dinner?
If you put your child in an in-home daycare, would you be happy if the provider stopped engaging with your child in order to do their family's laundry or prep their dinner?
katrina2017
New member
@atlas2023 It’s okay, you are pulling your weight and have been...you were pregnant for 9-10 months, you had the child and you’re dealing with the exhaustion and hormones of it all. Us moms need at least a year to bounce back. If your husband is fine with it then it is fine. I would continue to keep the conversation open and make sure periodically he’s still fine.
I understand it though. My baby was allergic to milk and had acid reflux and the only way she could sleep was on my chest. I had to go to sleep at 7 every day with her and lay down with her for naps. So yea. I didn’t do too much for that first year.
I understand it though. My baby was allergic to milk and had acid reflux and the only way she could sleep was on my chest. I had to go to sleep at 7 every day with her and lay down with her for naps. So yea. I didn’t do too much for that first year.
@atlas2023 Marriage isn't about keeping a tally and making sure both partners do the same amount of work. Different people have different abilities and circumstances, and they can change over time. Maybe at this season it seems like he's doing more, but at another time of your life, you'll do more work for a while. And in the end it might be even or it might not, and that's okay! Your husband is fine with the current situation, and he knows you're doing your best. He doesn't resent you, so don't put the burden of guilt on yourself for no reason.
marystites
New member
@atlas2023 Ah. You have basically told my story.. My first had GI issues since she was 2 weeks old until 14 months. I was on a super restrictive diet bc my daughter (we later found out) had trouble with all acids (citric acid as a preservative, lemon, vinegars, etc) and onions and tomatoes. She was on ranitidine (antacid) for 6 months and still waking up 3-8x a night. You seem to be dealing with this much better than I was. I contemplated running away in a serious fashion during those times.
I'm lucky in the sense that it was just something she had to grow out of and now she's fine and can eat everything.
The only thing I could do and felt I had any sort of control over (slightly unhealthy) was the dishes in the sink. I could wash my dish and my kid's. That was my contribution. That's all I had capacity for. Now she's fine and I can do more. I did appreciated my husband and would try really hard to let him have time to himself too so that he could recharge. This is a season of your life. It will get better. If you are still in good weather, go outside even for 15 mins. It helps baby's mood and yours. That was a hard lesson for me since her sleep schedule was so insane.
I send you all the internet hugs. You are genuinely doing so much better than you can see. You are an amazing momma!
I'm lucky in the sense that it was just something she had to grow out of and now she's fine and can eat everything.
The only thing I could do and felt I had any sort of control over (slightly unhealthy) was the dishes in the sink. I could wash my dish and my kid's. That was my contribution. That's all I had capacity for. Now she's fine and I can do more. I did appreciated my husband and would try really hard to let him have time to himself too so that he could recharge. This is a season of your life. It will get better. If you are still in good weather, go outside even for 15 mins. It helps baby's mood and yours. That was a hard lesson for me since her sleep schedule was so insane.
I send you all the internet hugs. You are genuinely doing so much better than you can see. You are an amazing momma!
faithoverfear
New member
@atlas2023 Feeling you. The bummer is when the paycheck in and there's not enough money to impress anyone, and everyone (including your in-laws) start to blame you on not puling in weight and 'coddling the baby need too much', but when you actually working and dying from stress of too much thing to handle, everybody just say "Oh, poor you"
Ignore them, and ignore that voice in your head. Sounds easy, but none of us is any wiser.
Ignore them, and ignore that voice in your head. Sounds easy, but none of us is any wiser.