How do you accomplish the mindset change to be comfortable/confident in your decision to be a SAHP?

[oddduck123]

@annae All the things you can do by staying at home sound so beneficial and I think definitely makes for an overall healthier home environment for all. While I would probably enjoy the flexibility and chill pace, I need to figure out a way to accept that new lifestyle is what is best for our family and stop subscribing to the hustle culture mindset being the best way to live.

 

[evangelistcj]

@oddduck123 “No education is wasted.”

This was said to me by childless, feminist, totally opposite of the political spectrum from me good friend of mine when I was wondering if I was letting down all of my sisters who struggled so hard to be able to work outside the home.

Like you, I put in a lot of time to get my degrees, advance in my career. When it came down to it, I did not want to leave my child with anybody else and we had the means for me to stay home. Now I am on the other end of it and my two oldest are in college, and my youngest is almost done with high school.

You are going to use your education in ways that are different than just chugging out in the corporate world. Your children will watch you, and learn from you, even when you’re not trying to actively teach them anything. Yes, it’s a different kind of life, but you will pick up friends at the park, at playgroups, waiting for your children at the preschool pick up line.

With all that being said, I did pick up some part-time work while my kids were at school to keep my brain engaged. It was just enough to keep me active in my field and now I am back to full-time mainly because I really missed the creative aspect of my career.

 

[oddduck123]

@evangelistcj Thank you for the reassurance. The idea of my child watching and learning from me while I operate as a SAHM is somewhat unnerving because I'm not exactly the most skilled in certain areas, especially socially and I'm quite the introvert. I worry I won't be the best role model. It does make me wish I could display the working side to him because I know I can perform well in that setting, but I worry about what example I'd be giving him in the home setting.

 

[dhay20]

@oddduck123 I’m 34F and been at home for a little over 2 years now (have a 2.5 and a 6mo old). I have two Bachelors degrees and I was an incredibly talented OR nurse when I left my field. I loved my job itself but not the surrounding BS of healthcare. I don’t think my education was a waste, it got me to this point and I have a very rich wealth of knowledge and experience that still fulfills me. I’m lucky in that my husband is also successful in his field. Our money is “our money” since I am also doing a very valuable job of raising our children, and being at home allows him the freedom to go all in on his career. We’re a team and I don’t really feel a “loss” of my income, as two kids in daycare would have obliterated much of what I brought home anyway. I feel so lucky to be able to spend my days raising my girls (even if some days are impossibly hard). Babies don’t keep and I feel like this time is invaluable. This is just my newest chapter of the many different lives I’ve lived. I’m able to do a lot more with my time, as well. I read more, am able to spend a lot of time gardening (a huge hobby of mine), and I can sneak in some exercise most days if nap times line up. I can thoroughly meal plan and take my time food shopping. Little things that we used to have to rush around to do. I get to do things with the girls when everything isn’t crowded on weekday mornings. I try and be grateful for those little things whenever I’m feeling a bit down about my contributions to the household. This is just where I feel I need to be right now.

 

[oddduck123]

@dhay20 Healthcare is definitely a tough industry to be in. You leaving is a loss for the OR and a huge gain for your family! And working in the hospital setting is certainly different than managing a household and childcare. From your comment, I gather that you're managing by yourself for several hours each day. If that is correct, may I ask how you find juggling teaching/entertaining the 2.5 year old while managing a 6 month old plus all the other daily tasks? Thank you for sharing your perspective.

 

[dhay20]

@oddduck123 Thank you! I definitely miss it sometimes. It was a huge part of my identity and it took a little while to “find myself” again through finding fulfilling activities I can do at home!

Yes! I’m pretty much on my own from 7am to 5-5:30pm. What I find super helpful is to do an outing in the morning pre-toddler nap. I’ve kind of made my second an on the go napper so she’s kind of flexible. whether it’s a grocery run, a playground visit, library storytime, an indoor play gym, target, a local mom group activity (this was so hard for me to join because I’m pretty introverted but it’s been really great meeting other stay at home moms in my area! plus it helps socialize my older one!) We also have a local zoo membership so I go there pretty often as well. The summertime is definitely easier, but getting out of the house helps us all from getting stir crazy! I also like to get us outside at some point every day. Whether it’s just scavenger hunting in our yard or digging for worms while I plant things, or for in the summer I got a cheap splash pad off of amazon and that has provided HOURS of entertainment. Chore wise, I try and involve my two year old whenever I can. One of the best gifts we’ve gotten is one of those learning stools and she can watch and “help” me cook and wash dishes. I have her toss things into our washing machine, and I have her swiffer with a tiny swiffer while I vacuum, etc. If I’m using the oven I turn the light on and tell her to watch it cook! You get creative! We read a lot of books. We snuggle a lot. We make pillow forts. We color and paint. My 6 month old is just kind of along for the ride. I baby wore her a lot at first, now she’s just kind of watching us or chewing on something nearby. And now that she is less potato-y they’ve been entertaining each other a bit which has been really sweet.

Anyway, it took a lot of practice to get okay at this with two of them now. Some days I get a lot done, other days I don’t. Some days I use disney movies for sanity, some days we’re outside all day. Some days I feel like supermom and other days I run upstairs for some quiet when my husband gets home. You’ll hit your flow and find what works best for you!

I hope that helped some!

 

[oddduck123]

@dhay20 It did help! I am so amazed you can do it all and the days you have with your daughters sound lovely and like so much fun. Thanks!

 

[analienhere]

@oddduck123 I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree, completed 1 year of post-graduate training in my field and studied and passed my board certification exam.

I became pregnant, purposefully, just 3 months after completing all of this. I had my son at 26 and always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Despite this, I knew my education wouldn’t be a wasted investment. I actually studied child development and psychology, so it’s relevant in my everyday life too.

My mom started college at 35 after having her children and I saw what a struggle that was. Having my degree to fall back on means hopefully I won’t have to start from the very bottom when I do eventually start working.

As for financial dependence, that was where I needed to swallow a bit of my pride. I’m very fortunate to have a very generous husband who has never monitored my spending. We both have access to our joint account and he has always made me feel as if I have just as much right to it; which I do.

 

[oddduck123]

@analienhere Ahh...having the educational background you do certainly helps! I cannot say the same for what I studied, but I can see value in what you've learned and how it can be put to great use with your little one.

 

[ayopaul]

@oddduck123 35 and left a professorship for SAHP. I have a PhD in STEM, was a successful professor and scientist, I was a workaholic overachiever who completely identified myself by my career.

SAHP for 3 years, I'd never go back. I am so lucky I can always be there for my kids, they have such amazing little lives because I am able to make the days very nice for them.

Sometimes it is tough right? I have had a hard time finding myself in my new role. I have a midlife crisis every few months and wonder if I gave up everything I had dreamed of being. Then I remember the sheer HELL I went through in academia. Sexism, harassment, etc etc etc etc. Going to work every day isn't a joy right, it's for a salary. Most jobs are incredibly stressful, anything that requires my PhD credentials is intense and long hours. Being a parent is hard, and at moments harder than some of my days at work, but it is a joy to spend my days with my kids vs some of the monsters I've worked with. And I know I am shaping my kids lives and creating the foundation they will build themselves upon. I am still changing the world in my own way and contributing to society through them. I also find ways to do STEM outreach, I am working on an opensource curriculum, and I periodically tutor.

Education is NEVER a waste. It shapes the way think, the way we approach things, the way we problem solve and troubleshoot, how we educate our children, how we respond in emergency situations, how we will interact with our adult kids, how we will impact our grand kids. And you never know what can happen. If the worst happens, I can always get a job. I may be 5 to 10 years out of the field, but someone always has a program for STEM PhDs returning to the workplace. My education not only shapes my entire childrens' lives, it is the way I insure I can support my family if I ever need to on my own financially.

 

[oddduck123]

@ayopaul I am seeing a theme to comments here stating education can be applied/transferable to other areas of life, outside of the work setting, and that is reassuring. I didn't really think that way nor am I able to make that connection well myself, but I will keep trying. Just curious, since you described yourself as a workaholic overachiever, after leaving your job and becoming a SAHP, how/what do you identify yourself as now?

 

[ayopaul]

@oddduck123 I still struggle with losing my professional identity, ngl. Volunteering and tutoring helps a bit. If people ask me what I do, I usually say I was a professor but am a SAHP now. So I can't seem to drop my old career title ha.

 

[charlesbarnes]

@oddduck123 I didn't quite get my bachelor's but I had 180 credits and I was taking 400 level classes. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to stay at home.

1. It is scary to lose income and benefits there's really no way of going around this if you choose to not be employed.
2. Education is absolutely not a waste and you can be a "high performer" at home. There's a million articles about maternal education affecting child development. I'm not going to go looking for the article but educational attainment is more dependent on maternal education than paternal education. I don't know if you follow any sahm social media accounts but there's a million different ways to fulfill the role. You're essentially writing your own job description. What do you want to do? Keep a pristine house? Grow a garden? Give your toddler a head start in reading? Cook every meal and only buy organic? Just spend time with your child? I have health issues that keep me from performing at my best so I prioritize time with my son over keeping my house clean.
3. I feel people who didn't have a parent stay home don't understand the role. My father stayed at home for me and my siblings. My brother now stays home for his son. It's probably a big dive for someone who doesn't have that within their own circles and you'll probably get a lot of flack for it. Sometimes you just gotta follow your own path.

I love staying at home. It gives me room to breathe especially when my health isn't cooperating. I think the biggest change I feel in my family's life is this feeling that we're not being overextended. My husband can just come home and relax if I can run an errand while he's at work. I'm not being harassed by my manager if my performance suddenly drops. Life happens and there's one less boss that our family must answer to if we get sick or lose child care or have an emergency.

 

[oddduck123]

@charlesbarnes Thank you for your points on all three of my concerns, all this is very helpful and encouraging. Since you mentioned the flexibility when your health is not cooperating, I'd like to touch on that a bit. Everything you wrote resonates with me, but I think I'd also feel guilty because I would think to myself (and this is something I've lamented to my husband about whenever we discuss my poor health) something along the lines of, "As a SAHM, I'd be able to achieve xyz because I'm not working, yet other women can achieve all this PLUS hold a job". I know I shouldn't think so negatively. I am hoping the discussion on this thread will help me shift my mindset away from that kind of thing.

 

[freckles827]

@oddduck123 I was 36 when I left my career and always thought of it as a bit of an identity crisis. I actually stopped working a while before having kids when we moved overseas (the plan was to start a family right away so I wasn’t planning to work anymore).

It always on some level seemed a bit anti feminist. I worked in a profession that has historically been made dominated (law). There’s always people in the legal profession asking why women are underrepresented at the top levels and statistically tend to drop out or plateau at rates higher than men. As an ambitious, feminist young lawyer I thought I’d never be one of those women who can’t handle the pressure. But after 11 years in the profession I was done. I’d gotten as high as I could while still enjoying the job and was still burned out. Looking at those above me, their roles, and long hours they worked, I really had no desire anymore to continue climbing but also no desire to stay in the role I was in forever. The more I reflect on it in hindsight, the happier I am that I had an opportunity to step back opt out of the rat race to do something more meaningful and rewarding. Life at the top of many professions frankly sucks but we’re supposed to covet those positions. I would have felt the pressure to keep climbing had I not had another worthwhile endeavor to pivot to. So maybe women who are dropping out or plateauing in their careers are actually making smarter choices in how they live their lives, not being anti feminist or crumbling under pressure.

 

[oddduck123]

@freckles827 Thank you so much for your honesty and talking about the flip side. It is unfortunate how society pushes this narrative that women are "supposed to covet those positions" and the rat race as you put it and those of us who don't pursue paid/professional working lives are somehow doing it wrong, missing out, etc., and that the only meaningful life is one where you have a successful career.

 

[wendyleanne18]

@oddduck123 I struggle with this so much and it’s a relief sometimes to be in this subreddit, knowing there are other women in my situation. So thanks for making this post!

I have a bachelors and masters in the healthcare field and eventually became a SAHM once our baby came. Planned to come back but circumstances had me staying at home as I believed that was the best for our family; husband works 2 jobs and is in part time law school.

I go through so many emotional meltdowns and rollercoasters when I hear and talk to my friends about their careers, even if they are my mom friends. However, the feelings only last a day or so because I realized it’s just “FOMO” - fear of missing out. I like to analyze why I feel certain ways and I come to realization that I just don’t want to feel left out with being in the work force! Then I imagine what it would be like to work and take care of my baby, which would include half assing both jobs as we don’t have a lot of help, waking up early and ruining my and my baby’s sleep so I could take him to daycare, not spending time with him throughout the day, not making healthy meals, not spending time with my hobbies such as cooking, baking, reading, and the list goes on! I focus on what this SAHM opportunity has given to me and my family and that really helps with the FOMO I feel.

As for education, I’m a nurse and I still use that everyday with my family. I am still continuing my education but it may not be in healthcare. I’m learning new languages, how to cook new dishes, learning how my baby is growing and his preferences for how to do things, and just other things that I wouldn’t get the chance to if I was working 40+ hours a week!

I know this sounds corny but the world is really our oyster and there’s so much more to work! There is life and more knowledge to be found outside of it and it doesn’t require being tied to a monetizing institution.

Also, my friends who worked in palliative care always reminds me that people never wished they worked more in their death bed. They always wished they had more time with their loved ones.

 

[oddduck123]

@wendyleanne18 Thank you for sharing this. The part about imagining the opposite case and what you wouldn't be able to do is a really good point - I think I will just have to keep constantly reminding myself of that until it becomes second nature! I also have a friend in nursing who treats a lot of extremely sick or terminally ill patients, and she said they all focus on experiences and family as what matters most (although working more and having wealth certainly can help with accessing better treatments sometimes and extend their time with their loved ones).

 

[malvina]

@oddduck123 I feel that our situation was weird due to the circumstances. I was dating my husband and he was offered a position overseas in the Middle East. We would need to get married for me to enter the country. Spouses get non working visas, so I would have to quit my job for him to take the job. We discussed if the pay bump and multiplier would be worth it ( 1.4 multiplier for Saudi Arabia - no booze, no pork, women must wear abayas in public)

So I quit my job to be a SaHW, and made sure my husband was supported. I took care of the home support to better help him make money. Then Covid stoped us from traveling at all, and my bc messed up so we moved our childcare plans ahead a few years.

Now that we’re back in the USA, and have a 2.5 yr old I am still the house manager. We want 1-2 more kids and once even is in school we will discuss if I want to go back to work. The problem is when kids stay home sick or need afterschool care it will be me picking up the slack, so I probly will be a permanent sahm unless something happens.

Plus my husband like a fresh hot dinner most nights ( sometimes it’s nuggets and fries for everyone) , and there’s always coffee and bacon in the morning ( toddler is allergic to eggs and loves breakfast meat)

 

[oddduck123]

@malvina That's an interesting story! It sounds like you took on a lot and settled into the role quite well. Could you maybe elaborate a bit more on what you and your husband did to help make the transition to a SAHW and SAHM easier. I imagine it might have been even tougher as the decisions seemed to be a result of circumstances?