How to navigate cheating husband as a SAHP?

[lmonicg83]

@carlpetrus Do tell more about the revenge part

 

[carlpetrus]

@lmonicg83 My first husband’s brother is better than my first husband. Leave it at that.

 

[justdana]

@thetwister The lawyer I talked to when I was having problems with my husband told me to start hiding cash because if they can't find the money it doesn't get split. But I agree with everyone saying not to say anything to him until you have a plan.

 

[marylp911]

@thetwister I'm so sorry you're going through this.. sending love. Also no, I don't think it's wrong for you to use the time to get a degree or put yourself in a situation where you would be better able to leave.

 

[pnevmavathis]

@thetwister Ok so requisite IANL disclaimer... Talk to a lawyer first. They are your best option for actual advice here. But a few things that might be helpful.

• Get together all of the documentation that you can regarding the affair. Depending on your location it might not do anything, but it's helpful to be on the offensive not the defensive.
• Gather and copy all of your important documents and kids documents. This includes birth certificates, your lease or house deed, social security cards, immunization records, credit card statements, bank account numbers. Take pictures or scan them into a file or thumb drive that you store at your moms house. Retain originals if possible.
• Slowly start stashing cash at your moms, don't get a secret bank account, those are traceable and might be part of your settlement. You can also buy gift cards with your debit card to help establish a stash for food/diapers/etc.
• Depending on your location decide if you want to keep living in your house. Do not leave your home with the expectation of being able to come back to it. If you want to retain the home then make him leave, involve the cops if necessary. Don't change the locks without permission from the landlord. Really don't change them at all until advised to do so by a lawyer.
• Depending on your husbands personality have a go bag stashed somewhere in case you need to leave in a hurry with the kids.
• Change all of your passwords, make them totally ridiculous. Change all of the answers to your security questions also. Turn off location services on your phone.
• Find a therapist for yourself and your children, get an appointment to get an STI check.

So sorry you have to go through this. Good luck, I hope you and your children find a soft place to land. This will be hard, but it will get easier.

 

[akags]

@thetwister No experience with this, not an expert or lawyer or anything.

I'd start by documenting any evidence of the affair that you can, with dates and times and everything. I'd imagine that during a divorce/custody/alimony process, this sort of documentation will be really helpful to your case. Especially if you're not in a rush to leave the marriage, getting some evidence together first seems like a good idea.

And then like others said, probably start discreetly looking for a lawyer and get some better, professional legal advice. As a SAHM, I imagine you'd be entitled to some sort of alimony, but that likely depends on where you live.

Secret bank account and secret part time job? (My mom is willing to watch the kids while I wfh- I have a job offer for 1,400 a month, and I can hide working).

I would personally think that opening your own bank account is a good idea. Start putting any money you can into it. Savings for the future, or to pay a lawyer, or whatever. It also sounds like your mom is supportive and has the ability to help a little, so I would definitely take her up on any support she can offer. But rather than jumping right to school/work, I'd maybe use this time to again, talk to a lawyer and get professional advice first. Perhaps your mom could also help you keep any sensitive legal documents or evidence against your husband at her house, and stuff like that?

 

[qwertyuiop87]

@thetwister Gather all the evidence of cheating that you can before talking to him. Screen shots and any other paper trail he has left.

 

[lmonicg83]

@qwertyuiop87 For what? If it’s a no fault state, it does not matter.

 

[neptune4]

@thetwister Do you file your own taxes or do you file jointly? Cause when your w2 or 1099 income isn't on the form that is going to cause issues.

 

[thetwister]

@neptune4 I was hoping to divorce at the end of the year!!

 

[stateemil]

@thetwister Just know that nearly the entire process is out of your hands (timing-wise), and your state may have requirements about how long you’re required to be separated/other timing factors prior to divorce being granted. And that’s entirely separate from the process of settlement and custody. Definitely another question for a lawyer.

 

[pol1905]

@thetwister Secret bank accounts look bad in divorce court. Take cash out when you go grocery shopping and keep it in a lockbox some place safe maybe get like a safety deposit box at a bank.

As for school they have grant for single moms you should look into that while married so you can see what your options are. I know one of my friends stayed single even though baby daddy lived with her and wanted to be married just so she could go to law school on grants this was in Florida.

Ask a lawyer if you can’t pay try women’s shelter they can direct you to free or cheap lawyers.

 

[matthew01]

@thetwister Totally agree, get yourself ready, it’s better that way instead of heat of the moment and leave.

 

[propianotuner]

@thetwister You need a plan. And sometimes it's really hard to create one yourself because you're too emotionally invested. I reached out for support to a community mental health agency and was connected with a "family support worker". She guided me in developing a plan, connecting me with resources about furthering my education, jobs, supports for women/families/children - so much that I never would have found on my own. Try to connect to a government agency!

 

[greengardener]

@thetwister I'd do all the things I need to do to take care of myself while having him continue to support me. Plus it gives me time with the kids. Do the school thing or whatever you think will help you in the long run for sure.

 

[truefreedom56]

@thetwister Literally read another post in the infidelity thread I’m pretty sure, recently (in the last week) about someone who stayed with her cheating husband until her youngest child left home (turned 18). When she knew the date was set she made sure she had her own accomodation and everything sorted to the day, and left the day after her kid did - serving him divorce papers at the same time. She said after she dealt with the initial blow and heartbreak of finding out he was cheating, she eventually got to the point she checked out and realised she no longer loved him and made a conscious decision of when she would finally leave him. From then on she was able to look at him a roommate. I think it was at least 10 years that she stayed. If you think you can live with him while you go through that process then honestly I see nothing wrong with it. Why not get yourself to a stable and independent place before leaving if you feel you are capable of it!?? If I can find the post I will link it here if you see this and are interested in reading or even connecting with the other poster?

 

[sng092]

@truefreedom56 I read that post as well and was mind blown by her commitment to herself!

She made a well thought out and financially secure escape plan and kept it. I was so happy for her.

 

[eider]

@truefreedom56 I would love to see the thread

 

[truefreedom56]

@eider found it

 

[katrina2017]

@thetwister Don’t leave now, never make an emotional decision. First, find out if the cheating is physical or emotional ( emotional is way worse). I could fix a physical cheating issue if my husband is just freaky and I can’t satisfy him ( I’m being exxagerative but you get my point), I would never forgive emotional cheating as in relationship.

If you’re going to leave, put money aside and make a long term plan. You are in a vulnerable position. I will say, depending on the state your in, he will be screwed with alimony and child support. I’m in Texas and Texas is very supportive of stay at home moms, and my friend recently got divorced and the judge granted enough alimony and child support where she can live on her own, and still be a stay at home mom. What you are doing is a job, and by doing this job, you lost opportunity to do any other, and that counts for something in court.

Save money, get your life in check before you decide. If he is using you, you need to protect yourself and your child